The Magi's Randomness
by Silent Magi
Summary: Just random scenes that have occurred to me while I'm working on everything else, hopefully you'll enjoy them. I am so going to pay for some of these... Also, any and all stories found within are free to a good home. Why don't you adopt one today?
1. Outfoxed Hinata or Hinata's Mistake

Hey folks, these are just going to be random scenes and ficlets, some funny, some sad, some downright disturbing, so I'm slapping this at a T rating right off, might have to bump up to M later. If you see a scene you'd like to build off of, lemme know so I can read what ya get from it.

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**Hinata's Mistake**

Hinata was walking back from the store, having gone out for some snacks. She was enjoying the warm sunshine, when she felt a tiny tug on her bag. Turning to look at the bag in question she saw a golden fox staring back at her determinedly. The oddest thing about this fox was that it had a worn, scratched, and battered headband on it's head. In fact if she didn't know better, she'd almost swear she knew it, and this fox was starting to remind her of someone.

Leaning close she imagined the fox was giving her a wide smile that even caused its eyes to close mischievously. This caused her to gasp in shock. "N...Naruto-kun?" she asked nervously, getting a small nod from the fox.

"Oh Naruto..." Hinata whispered, pulling it into a hug. Sniffling quietly she pet the fox gently. "Don't worry Naruto, I'll take care of you... I'll always be here for you Naruto-kun... it's... it's because I love you Naruto-kun."

The fox seemed confused as it cuddled into her, almost as though trying to figure out what she'd said. However, the musing of the fox's curious reaction was cut off by a tanned hand reaching in and pulling off the headband. "Hey Hinata, thanks for catching this fox, he stole my headband! What was that about me?" a familiar voice asked, while Hinata's eyes bugged wide. Looking up she saw Naruto smiling widely at her, nearly identical to the grin the fox had given her. "Hi... so how about dinner sometime?"

That was about the time when Hinata passed out.


	2. Team Seven: Always and Forever

Sakura sat in thought, before her was her two teammates, neither moved not even a breath. She had come too late, their fued had finally killed them both. Naruto would never become the Hokage now, all his promises would go unfinished, it was over... and it seemed that the world was dimmer now, as if the very essence of light itself was mourning the loss of the blond ninja.

Sasuke... he betrayed the village, his teammates, everything for his vengeance. He'd killed his brother, destroyed Orochimaru, but never got near the ones that had cost him his childhood. His vengeance would go unfulfilled now.

They were cold and dead now... nothing to do to save them. Everything they had lived for... all they had done... it was over now. They'd hate the thought of having died with so much left to do, yet they seemed blissfully at peace. Closing her eyes she let out the breath she'd been holding, letting the tears roll down her cheeks as she cried out her pain.

Hearing a snap of a twig she whirled around barely seeing an orange mask coming at her, before pain speared her through her heart. She threw a desperate final punch at him, knocking the mask aside. She smiled faintly as she heard a sickening snap coming from her assailant. The last sight she saw before darkness claimed her was a single burning sharingan eye looking at her in shock, faded faster than her own sight.

"Oi Sakura-chan! Wake up!" Naruto called out, waking her. There he was in that orange jumpsuit of his, smiling without a care in the world. "We have to go, it's mission time."

"She knows that dobe," Sasuke said walking up beside him. Gone was the huge purple butt bow, and back was his blue shirt and white pants. "Give her some time, she's had a long trip."

"No... Sasuke-kun..." Sakura answered quietly as she let her two boys pull her up, "No more waiting for me, let's go."

Sasuke looked her over and smiled, stroking her long pink hair gently. "Always liked you better with long hair..."

"Where are we going?" Sakura asked curiously, looking between the two.

"I don't remember... but I remember someone saying it'll be nice..." Naruto answered as he slung an arm around his two best friends. "Kakashi-sensei's probably waiting for us there."

Sasuke smirked to Sakura in front of Naruto, interlocking his arm with hers gently behind his back. "You with us Sakura?"

Sakura thought about it for a moment before nodding with a small smile. "Always and forever."

As the trio walked off into the white light between the trees, Sakura's words gave their hearts wings.


	3. Careful What You Say!

Warning: There is swearing in this one.

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Sasuke starred across the bar, a trembling hand holding a glass of something he hoped was alcoholic enough to make him forget what he had just seen, meanwhile next to him Kakashi lazily looked at his favored student. "How did you not think he'd take it literally when you said to 'go fuck yourself, Naruto'?"


	4. Child of Ninjas

Kakashi sat alone at the memorial stone, reading the names of friends and comrades that had fallen in battle. So many that he had failed over the years, the latest was his friend Asuma. The pain haunted him when he slept, but he couldn't just show it to anyone.

His reprieve was interrupted by the sounds of footsteps approaching the stone. Turning around he saw Naruto carrying a pair of flowers in transplant pots. As he watched his surprising pupil, Naruto came up, bowed his head in silent pray for ten minutes before kneeling by the stone and giving the two flowers a new home. Only then did he notice that he was not alone and turned towards his sensei.

"Oh, Kakashi-sensei... I... Well... they said my parents were ninjas... so I thought... that they'd be on this list..." Naruto offered sheepishly as she looked over the rock sadly. "Maybe, in a way... they all are..."

Kakashi tilted his head in thought for a moment before sighing and turning away. "Why not just pick two and have them be your parents?"

"I don't need to sensei..." Naruto whispered as he sat next to the masked jounin. "Each one is more than hero enough for me. So, I'll wait until someone can tell me. Until then, I have hundreds of parents to make proud."

Kakashi regarded the orange clad youth carefully before looking up at the hokage monument with a proud smile. "I'm sure that they are Naruto..."


	5. Dead White Eyes

Warning!: Swearing and multiple character deaths! You have been warned!

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Hinata banged Sakura's head against the rock over and over screaming, "Die you bitch! Then Naruto can join my team permanently!"

Later...

Hinata smirked as she lined up her scope on Kiba's sleeping head. She could never figure out why shinobi didn't use these weapons more often, but they were perfect for removing a target at range. A squeeze of the trigger later, and her team suddenly had a vacancy. Sakura had mysteriously disappeared, the only evidence of her whereabouts being a large rock found submerged in the river by the bridge that her team usually met at.

"Soon my Naruto-kun... soon you will be mine... and then you will submit to me..." Hinata whispered as she picked up the shell of the bullet from her shot. Taking her weapon along, she smiled thinking of how it would be disposed of in pieces throughout the city, and no one would be the wiser. No one would suspect the shy and stuttering Hyuuga heiress, absolutely no one.


	6. Devil with Blue Hair Down

Sakura glared at the blue haired woman that they were escorting around Konoha, something just didn't sit right with her about that woman. It wasn't that she was mean or anything, quite the opposite in fact. She was talking cheerfully with Naruto, and Sai even seemed to like her.

Something about her stance just irked Sakura. Like when of the other fangirls got too close to her Sasuke-kun. That's it! The woman was too close to Naruto, in fact that hussy was practically hanging off of him. She'd take advantage of Naruto and then leave him crying his heart out into a bowl of ramen. She couldn't let that happen, for Naruto's sake if nothing else.

Sure Naruto would be a great guy, probably manage to luck his way into doing exactly the right things at the right times. He'd treat her like she was the only woman in the world, and do little things like make her a special meal of her favorites, just because he felt like spoiling her some more.

And then that tart would rip his poor heart out and leave him cold and broken, tears rolling down those whiskered cheeks of his. His blue eyes floating in misery and depression. No, she had to stop this and quick.

"Lady Konan, how about I take you to the shopping district? I heard the new fashion wear is out," Sakura asked cheerfully while walking up to the blue haired woman and her sun kissed teammate.

"Only if Naru-kun can come with us," Konan purred out, causing Inner Sakura to growl, while Naruto just looked confused.


	7. Heart's Desire no Jutsu!

**Heart's Desire no Jutsu**

Mizuki: Come to me Naru-kun... you can be my demon...

Iruka: NO NARUTO! Come with me, we're both orphans, our love will be purer... after all, I can be a big cuddly dolphin for you

Naruto: *stepping back* But... I'm not gay!

Mizumi: *pulls out his huge shuriken* Life has no meaning!

Half an hour later...

Wolf Anbu: *blinks* He made Mizuki commit suicide... and Iruka's curled up into a ball and crying his eyes out... what the hell?

Naruto: *holding the scroll and rocking back and forth* Never again... never again... Naruto is a good boy... never again... big men want to sex Naruto... never again...


	8. Rise Against the Antiperv!

Jiraiya looked out over the sea of Konoha men, and Anko, gathered in the underground bunker. It had taken some doing, but he had gotten every male save one in the bunker for this meeting, about the one that was missing. "Gentlemen, and Anko... This meeting is to try and get rid of our biggest nemis...one Uzumaki Naruto, aka the Anti-Perv."


	9. Sailor Ramen

Naruto stood in his apartment. He had shut and locked all the doors and windows, closed all the blinds, pasted seals over every inch of his walls possible. Finally he felt ready to indulge in his deepest, darkest, most embarrassing hobby. Pulling out an outfit from a box he kept under his bed, surrounded by a wall of his oldest and most foul underwear he smiled at the orange and yellow outfit before him. Changing into it he pulled his hair up into two very short pony tails and struck a pose. "In the name of ramen I will punish you!" He cried, his back straight, his eyes shining with determination, his short skirt ruffling with a little chakra aided wind, while the heels and upper part of the sailor fuku shined with an inner light. "I AM SAILOR RAMEN!"

His heart nearly stopped dead as he heard his closet door open, there stood Sakura and Sasuke holding a camera. Sakura was losing a fight with her laughter, while Sasuke seemed to be hiding his smirk with... was he drooling? Blinking Naruto started sweating nervously. "I... I can explain..."

"No need dobe... just don't ask me to be Tuxedo Kamen... I always preferred Moonlight Knight," Sasuke responded with a smirk, while Sakura finally broke down in gales of laughter.

Naruto sighed, he knew what had to happen... and since he sealed all the escape routes...

No one ever saw Sasuke nor Sakura ever again. Those that asked Naruto were told that they had mentioned something about running away together. He just smiled and never mentioned away from what.


	10. Spacing Out

Naruto leaned back in the cushioned seat, his eyes wide and his breath labored. He had won, he had beaten back the mighty Shukaku and gotten its captain, Gaara to snap out of the trance the AI had put him in. Turning back towards the station he pressed the flashing button to allow the incoming comm signal to come in. What he heard next chilled him to the core.

"Attention all Konoha Station ships, the Professor has been destroyed. Repeat. The Professor has been destroyed," The voice of the station's controller said mournfully, as Naruto's heart sank.

The Professor was the ship of the defense force commander, Hokage Sarutobi. The kind, old man loved that ship, and always said that he would go down with that ship rather than fail Konoha Station. If the Professor was destroyed, that meant he was dead.

Lowering his head slightly, Naruto noticed the tears rolling down his cheeks. Faintly he heard the station calling him to return and land.

Going on automatic he flew his ship the Kyuubi into the open hanger, letting it settle in his cradle with a gentle bump. It was only after he had powered down, and wandered to the abandoned section of the station that he was housed in that he let out his scream of pain and rage, which was lost into the depths of the station's hallways and the vacuum of space.


	11. New Training?

Hinata sighed as she sorted through the piles of socks, matching the pairs as she found them. This had to be by far the weirdest assignment she'd ever gotten for her ninja training. At least there was one bright spot... she was with Naruto most of the day now.

"Hey Hinata-chan!" Naruto called out from the opposite side of the pile. "Did you find Hellsing-sama's special embroidered socks yet?"

"N...no Naruto-kun. Let's keep looking," Hinata squeaked out with a smile, and a heavy blush. Yes, laundry duty for the Hellsing Organization was a unique experience, but she couldn't figure out how it fit in with ninja training.

Seras walked away from the laundry room with a perplexed look on her face. "Why doesn't she just tell that loud mouth she likes him?"

"It's simple mignonette... She is like you, and too shy to approach a stud like Naruto, or like myself," Pip said from behind her.

"That's possible, except for you're not a stud, and I don't like you," replied Seras, crushing Pip's ego. 


	12. Ghost Shouter

Naruto sat by the memorial stone, slurping down a cup of ramen as he looked into the distance. "I don't know Kakashi-sensei... I don't think I could continue ero-sennin's books. Even as a tribute to the two of you, it just wouldn't feel right."

Naruto tilted his head as though listening for a couple minutes before laughing. "Ya got me there sensei, I have been thinking of starting a new series. It'll be a bit more action, but it should still hold the porn that you both loved in it."

After a moment Naruto shifted his sight to glare off to his right. "No Ero-sennin, I'm not going to 'research' like you did..."

Naruto continued to banter with the two that no one could see, never realizing that a short distance away, Sakura, Hinata, and Tsunade all watched their favorite surprising ninja with a great deal of worry. "You said he's been doing this all month?"

"Yes Hokage-sama," Hinata whispered, using her good arm to point to the scene before them. "It's not always just those two, he also seems to talk to Shizune-san, and others. He also told me once that my mother asked him to say she missed me...." Hinata tucked her good arm back in, cradling the bad one still in a sling from when Pain attacked.

"Let's go... I... I don't feel right spying like this..." Sakura spoke up after a moment, trying to pull the other two away. "We can discuss this elsewhere, maybe ask him to come into the your office Tsunade-taicho..."

"Sounds good..." Tsunade mused as she and the other two girls began to walk away, only to be frozen solid at a shout from Naruto.

"What are you two yelling about? Baa-chan's no where near here! Look you brat! Baa-chan is a great leader! And she's cutting back on the sake!" Naruto yelled while leaning over the memorial stone. "And you! Don't you think you have better things to do than to upset Shizune-nee-chan by yelling at her choice in lovers? I mean Baa-chan was yours, and Shizune-nee-chan's your neice! So stop picking on her!"


	13. Never Saw it Coming

Naruto and Hinata stood in front of Tsunade's desk, looking slightly guilty. On the other side of the desk, Tsunade looked at them levelly, as though trying to figure out if she should yell, laugh, or cry. Finally, after a few minutes she spoke, asking a calm question. "So, you think you're pregnant?"

"Yeah Baa-chan, that's what we said..." Naruto groused as he scratched the back of his head. "Kinda want you to do a check..."

"At least you're being responsible in supporting Hinata during this time..." Tsunade replied as she walked around the desk, "Hinata, if you'll follow me, we'll test you."

The sound of a poof told her that something was amiss, and when she looked, she found that Naruto was now in his female form. "Actually Baa-chan..."

Tsunade didn't ask questions, instead she just pulled out a bottle of sake and gulped it down, shortly after finishing the bottle, Tsunade glared at Naruto. "And whose idea was this, Naruto?"

Naruto cast a nervous glance to Hinata who sheepishly raised her hand, only to promptly fall over with a full blush.

". . . Why is it _always_ the quiet ones?" Tsunade asked with a scowl as she wished longingly for another bottle of sake, because she knew she'd need it.


	14. Masks

It was the little things, the lingering and longing glance at a family walking past, the momentary softening of his eyes into something that wasn t his usual mask, the tightness of his lips that would give him away. Sakura watched her teammate, and knew that he was hurting, but also that she couldn't do anything about it. No, he would keep her out of his pain and misery, just like he kept everyone out, and it would eat him up inside, always gnawing at the one spot he couldn't defend, his heart.

It was these thoughts that got her wondering what she could do, but she knew it was too late, too much time had passed, too much was said that couldn't be taken back. He was in pain, and she was part of the cause, she just wished he'd let her be part of the cure.

"Hey Sakura-chan!" Naruto called out as he pulled her from her thoughts. "Let's go, ne? We're going to be late for training!"

Smiling she pushed herself up, and began following him, watching him turn his head slightly to watch a family across the street. Yes, most knew about Sasuke's pain and loneliness, but he was an open book compared to Naruto. They saw his smile and stopped there. Naruto's mask had fooled so many, but she knew better. She knew, and couldn't do anything about it.

"Ne, Sakura-chan? Maybe we could get Kakashi-sensei to show us under his mask today," Naruto joked, his eyes closing in that painfully bright smile of his, hiding his eyes that threated to show through the masks of smiles and overdone emotions. He wanted to see his sensei's true face so badly, but wouldn't show his own, so hypocritical...

But... what if he was saying something else with his request, what if he was asking to know that it would be okay to drop his own mask? What if he just wanted someone to let him in, so he could let them in. Maybe this was the first step he needed. Smiling she laughed at his joke and nodded.

"Maybe," she countered thoughtfully before watching him run off ahead. "And maybe we could show what's under our own masks... ne Naruto?" 


	15. Captain Uzumaki

Naruto looked around his room carefully, he had locked all the doors and windows, sealed off every way in and out of the apartment. He couldn't risk anyone finding out about his deep and dark secret desire... what he does during 'alone time'.

Digging out the box the Hokage had specially made for Naruto's secret collection Naruto began pulling out the objects within. First was a frilly white puff shirt, then came a worn brown jacket, and then a lot of beaded hair extensions. On went the worn brown pants, and the heavy thick boots. Then came the pistols and swords. Finally, the crowning three pieces, the eye patch, the hat, and the stuffed parrot. "YAR HAR! AHOY MATEIES!"

Suddenly he heard clapping from his closet, turning around, he saw Sakura and Sasuke standing there with cameras hung about their necks. "Are you going to plunder my booty, Captain Naruto?" Sasuke asked teasingly with a wink.

Sakura giggled like mad, and walked over to poke the parrot. "So very dashing Captain... can't wait to get your hands on my treasure chest, can you?"

Naruto did the only thing he could think of, and since the entire area was sealed, that wasn't too hard actually.

The next day, when asked about the location of his teammates, he only answered, "They said they had to follow a map, savvy?" 


	16. Secret Habits

Naruto raced to his team's meeting point, panting heavily as he wolfed down some of the life giving ramen that was his mainstay. It wasn't that he meant to be late, but what he had been doing completely distracted him from the time, and so he didn't leave early, didn't get his shower, and barely had time to grab his ramen before racing to meet his team.

He slowed just enough to look at himself in the reflection of a shop's window to make sure he didn't have any visible signs of his 'side activities'. He doubted they'd understand that sometimes he just liked going out in a subdued version of his sexy no jutsu form, and just hang out, or go shopping, or like today flirt with guys in a bar. It was just his way of relaxing really, that and gardening.

Finally getting to the area where they were supposed to meet, he was greeted at first with shouting from Sakura, grumbling from Sasuke, and Kakashi flipping a page in his book. However, it was Sakura's question that caught him, and told him he'd been discovered. "Naruto... why are you wearing heels?"


	17. Thousand Years: Memories Return

It had been a thousand years.

Over those years he had watched what he once knew disappear and get wiped from the face of the planet, and yet he remained. Walking down the new city that had grown up where his hometown had once been, he couldn't help but feel haunted by the memories of all the people that had died over the years. All his friends, the people he looked up to, his enemies... they were all dead.

Turning down into an empty alleyway, the orange clad man leaped into the air, landing on the roof of the apartment building that had been on his right. It just felt empty without the people he knew, aside from Kyuubi.

He had to give the fox credit, extending his own life by making his container immortal. Clever and tricky. They had gotten to form a somewhat beneficial bond over the centuries of loneliness. However something told him that was about to change, why, he couldn't name, but he knew deep inside his loneliness was about to end.

Leaping down off the roof he walked out of the alleyway and nearly ran into a girl with bubblegum pink hair. Artfully stepping aside he offered an "Excuse me, Sakura-chan." before moving on.

The girl whirled around and stared at the strange blond haired man about her age that was walking away. '_How'd he know my name?_'

Completely oblivious of the rosette female staring after him, Naruto continued on down his path to nowhere in particular. He had gotten used to doing this a lot lately. Picking a random direction and just letting his feet carry him away. There was much that he found by just trusting to fate, as Neji would say.

Somewhere deep inside he could hear a familiar, dark voice chuckling. Smiling slightly Naruto knew that Kyuubi was enjoying the trip down memory lane that his wandering had caused. When asked, the fox had said that it was nice to have someone else be able to see time in centuries instead of just minutes and days.

Returning to reality, Naruto barely avoided running into a familiar looking white dog and the young man taking him for a walk. "Sorry about that Kiba, I wasn't looking," Naruto offered before ducking into the new marketplace called a 'mall' that he knew would have one of the best ramen places around. Never once in his ramen induced haze did he notice the curious look the boy and his dog were giving him.


	18. Naruto's Pet

Naruto: *rides in on the T-rex for the first time* Hey guys! Look what hatched from that egg!

Kakashi: ... well thats scary ... even from him

Naruto: I think he called me mom earlier... can I keep him?

Sasuke: b-b-big ... lizard ... b-b-big big lizard *wonders if pissing ones pants while running away from a walking eating machine is worth surviving or if he should just let the monster eat him and save him the embarrassment*

Naruto: Say hi Tiny! *watches 'tiny' bow down and let out a roar*

Sakura: *meeps and sits down with a squishy sound*

Naruto: *smiles as the dino licks the other three* Tiny likes you!

Kakashi/Sasuke/Sakura: *covered in dinoslobber* great ... just great ... can we run for our lives now?

Naruto: Umm... Tiny likes to chase things that run...

Sasuke: *nods* of course it does ... its a giant killing machine!

Naruto: Yeah, he kills at ramen contests

Sakura: ... you feed it ... ramen? *sweatdrops* figures

Naruto: Ramen... ice cream, the Hokage let him visit the prison daily...

Kakashi: *blinks* that explains the overcrowding problem being resolved...

Naruto: Isn't he beautiful?

Sasuke: yeah ... if you like things with teeth bigger around than your forearm

Naruto: Want a ride?

Sasuke: *shakes his head frantically* NO! no thats ok ... I prefer my own two feet *mutters* and not getting too close to the wrong end of that thing ... either wrong end

Sakura: is ... is it safe?

Naruto: *leans back, almost carefree* I've been riding on his back all day

Sakura: *nods, swallows nervously and stands up* well it hasnt tried eating us ... yet ... so I guess I could give it a try

Naruto: Down tiny! *stands as the T-rex bends over, head next to Team 7* Coming Kakashi? Teme?

Kakashi: *looks over to Sakura as she climbs up* she has bigger balls than Sasuke *mutters to himself* and me too probably *sighs* yeah I guess

Naruto: *laughs* Come on Teme, we'll go get a mission

Sasuke: *mutters* kuso ... fine but if he eats me I will get even with you dobe

Naruto: *laughs as Tiny lifts them all up* Come on Tiny! To the old man! *clings on with his feet*

Sarutobi: *reaching for his tea, notices earthquake like tremors shaking it* please tell me that's not who I think it is

Naruto: *rides up next to the Hokage office* Hey old man!

Sarutobi: *doesnt even turn around* Do I need to have a defibrillator brought in if I turn around?

Naruto: Umm... well Sakura and Sasuke might need diapers... and we need a new potty area for Tiny...

Sarutobi: *still not looking* ... Tiny ... you mean the five story tall monster you call a pet?

Naruto: He's not a monster... he's housebroken...

Sarutobi: it can eat a bus load of people in a single swallow ... house broken or not its still a mon ... wait ... house broken? how the hell did you get it inside that apartment of yours?

Naruto: It wasn't always this big...

Sarutobi: *pinches the bridge of his nose trying to fend off the impending migraine* of course

Naruto: Got a mission for us?

Sarutobi: sure *digs through his files* here ... its an A rank escort mission ... there's this rich bra ... kid who needs a ride home ... try not to let him get eaten

Naruto: An A-rank! Cool!

Kid: wow is that thing real? *points to Tiny* ... how much for it?

Naruto: Not for sale. Ever.

Kid: yeah right ... everything's for sale ... a million ryo?

Naruto: *points at the kid* Tiny... FETCH!

Sarutobi: NARUTO!

Naruto: What? *is riding Tiny as he chases the kid home*

Sarutobi: 'not get eaten' also includes not get chewed on!

Naruto: Not even a little?

Sarutobi: *thinks for a minute, shakes his head to get rid of the thought* no not even a little *grumbles* though the brat deserves worse

Naruto: Can I at least make him run some more? He's a bit thick...

Sarutobi: *shrugs* nobody said he couldn't be wore out or frightened severely

Naruto: *pats Tiny's head* Go on boy, fetch!

Kakashi: *sighs* this is not going to end well

Sakura: Should we help... him?

Sasuke: help Naruto scare the kid? sure

Sakura: I meant the kid... you know... point him towards Training Area 44...

Kakashi: *looks over to Sakura* and they say Orochimaru is evil....

Sakura: *blushes* Well... I mean he is... alright, he makes an Akimichi look skinny!

Kakashi: *looks to the kid* no ... he makes 3 Akimichi combined look skinny but *shrug* Sarutobi didn't forbid putting a good scare into him ... have fun *pulls out his book* I think I'll get some reading in

Sasuke: Are they running towards the new Icha-Icha shipment truck?

Kakashi: *looks up and pales* Naruto! Stop!

Naruto: *makes Tiny jump over the Icha-Icha, still chasing tubby*


	19. To Honor a Mother

I Want a Mom: A Naruto Fanfic

Mikoto Uchiha sat on her grave stone staring out over the city she loved, it had been years since anyone had visited her grave, years since she saw anyone. The last person had been her son Sasuke, when he visited to tell her and Fugaku that he had graduated as Rookie of the Year at the academy, and that he wanted to visit before his first mission. There was nothing after that though.

Being a former ninja she knew how busy the life of a new genin could be, but something told her that there was something deeper wrong with Sasuke. He hadn't crossed over, that much she knew, but something deep in her heart told her that Sasuke wasn't visiting anytime soon.

Wiping away the tears from her eyes, she sighed and settled in for another lonely day of being alone. She wanted to wait to guide Sasuke, but Fugaku had crossed over never was one for waiting, but she knew that he was going to prepare anywhere he was for the arrival of his wife and youngest son.

Her musings were interrupted by a boy with sunshine yellow hair, and the most god awful orange jumpsuit walking up to her grave. A second after he laid the lilies in his hands down before her gravestone and clapped his hand twice in prayer, she realized who her visitor was. It was Naruto Uzumaki, not Minato Namikaze, whom she would have sworn it was. The main reason was that his whiskers were covered by bandages, like he had just come from the hospital.

"Hello Mikoto-sama..." Naruto began slowly, his voice ladened by guilt and pain. "I know that today is Mother's Day, and I felt that someone should visit you today. I also know that I am likely the last person you'd ever want visiting you, but since... since I failed Sasuke, it's my duty to take over his burdens..."

Mikoto winced at the reminder of how long it's been since her son had visited, and wanted to tell the boy that she was just glad someone was here for her, but she never had the chance as he just continued talking.

"I tried to bring him back," Naruto ground out, tears in his eyes, "I failed... He's turned his back on me... his team... his entire village... everything I thought he loved, just to avenge you guys..."

Mikoto's eyes widened in shock, finding out that her son had betrayed the village she'd loved, just to avenge her death. She knew he took it hard after the Uchiha massacre, but it wasn't his to avenge. Even if it was, he would need a lot more training to take on his brother.

"He left to join Orochimaru," Naruto continued, each word seeming to drive stakes into his heart, "He left for the power to kill Itachi... he... he didn't even think to ask us for help. We're his teammates, and he thinks we'd just slow him down!"

"I... I failed him and you... and everyone..." Naruto whispered, sounding broken and hollow while his tears dripped down on her grave, watering the long parched land. "I know you must hate me for what I did... what I contain... but I am going to continue visiting you. Until I can bring Sasuke back... I will visit and bring you flowers when I'm in Konoha... and if I can't do that, I know Iruka-sensei will visit if I ask... I just ask one thing... if... if my mom is with you... could you tell her that I love her, and I'm sorry."

Mikoto watched the young boy continue muttering 'I'm sorry', while wiping the tears away from his eyes. Kneeling down she wrapped her spectral arms around him and willed every fiber of her being into hugging him, but there was nothing she could do. She wasn't really there. Looking up, she saw Minato and a woman with long, red hair watching them with sad expressions in their eyes. And she knew, that today she wouldn't be alone. A sad smile spread over her face, as she whispered "It's okay, Naruto-kun..." into the blond's ear softly.

Yards away, Kakashi watched his pupil crying at the gravestone of his best friend's mother. He had been worried about the boy keeping too much inside, hiding it behind that smile of his. Now... now he knew that he'd be alright. 


	20. Uniforms

Tsunade looked out at the gathered crowd nervously as she swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat. She knew that she had to do this, otherwise she'd never hear the end of it from... him...

"Ninjas of Konoha, as the Hokage it is with a heavy heart that I come to you today," Tsunade began as she looked out over the assembled masses. "Due to a wager with a member of the Konoha ninja forces... which I lost... I'm afraid I have to institute a new uniform stipulation."

As the murmurs of panic and dismay echo through the masses, she glared at the still beaming man she made a bet with. She couldn't believe how foolish she'd been accepting that wager, but she had three of a kind! Anyone would have accepted a bet like that.

As the crowd settled down, she waved her hands for attention. Once she'd gotten it, she sighed heavily. "Let me explain a little bit first... this uniform modification will only occur from October 7th, to October 13th..."

As the noise rippled through the crowd again, she winced as the mention of the Kyuubi's defeat festival was mentioned. This would not go over well at all, she could just tell that right now.

"Yes, ninjas of Konoha, during the week surround the Victory over Kiyuubi festival, all ninjas are to wear a new uniform," Tusnade continued before taking a deep breath, and bracing herself for the reaction. "During that week, all ninjas are to don bright orange clothing, with pink or red trim, and half-face masks. Those days are to be named Team Kakashi memorial week."

As the cries of outrage and dismay echoed through the crowd she glared solidly at Sasuke Uchiha. Damn him... damn him for wanting to honor his teammates like this. Damn him for coming back after they'd been killed. Damn him for everything. 


	21. Unexpected

Sasuke stood under the tree, watching the swing swaying back and forth lazily. It was... peaceful here, and that's something he needed. He needed peace. He'd lost his fangirls with a simple bunshin, kawarimi, and henge, giving him at least a few minutes of quiet. That's when he noticed he wasn't alone.

Turning around he found soft blue eyes looking into his, they didn't want anything, and the hug that followed them was inviting and comforting in a way that he barely remembered. The hair was sunshine yellow, and the eyes were sky blue, not black and chocolate brown as in his memory, but the feeling... the feeling was the same. And he knew... he knew what he wanted. Unbidden tears fell as he clung to the one person who knew he wasn't just 'The Uchiha' that he too was a person.

Naruto was always full of surprises, but this one wasn't what anyone would have guessed. The surprise of acceptance was more than anyone could have expected the last Uchiha to want, but it was what he wanted more than anything.


	22. Blue Eyed Fury

Sequel to Dead White Eyes

* * *

Shikamaru tried to look out through the sack cloth covering his head in vain, as he'd learned a while ago that his arms and legs were now useless lumps of flesh hanging off his body. He could hear pacing just around him, giving him an indication he wasn't alone, and he could guess who was out there.

His suspicions were confirmed when they began talking. "You... you couldn't just leave it alone could you? You had to know what happened..."

Shikamaru decided that it might be best to just let them continue ranting, maybe he'd be rescued. Not likely, but it was a hope.

"Now look at you genius..." the voice sneered as he felt a hand grace his neck. "All helpless and alone, with no one knowing where you are. Why couldn't you just leave it alone? Why the hunt?"

The voice snarled after a minute of Shika's silence, roughly ripping off the sack, and a few chunks of hair. Dull brown eyes met peircing blues as he let out a groan of pain. "Answer me! WHY DID YOU KEEP PUSHING?!"

"Simple Naruto..." Shika groaned as he smirked at the blond, "Someone had to bring justice to Kiba's killer... and you know Hinata did it..."

Naruto's answer was simple, savage, and efficient. He closed his claws around Shikamaru's esophagus, and ripped it out. Reveling in the warm blood spraying over him, he laughed and whispered softly. "You'll never be able to prove it now, will you?"

The last thing Shika's fading sight saw were icy blue eyes dancing gleefully as he looked down at the bleeding shadow user and licked the blood off his arm with glee.


	23. Sometimes You Gotta Care

Naruto looked at his opponent with a slight glare. He had been beaten on all fronts by this one, and he could hear Kyuubi whispering in the back of his mind to use the beast's power. He really didn't want to do it, but he knew that he had no choice.

Ripping open his shirt all the way, he groaned in dismay at what he was about to do. "Care Bear Cousin! CALL!" And while he was shouting that, a beam of light shot out from the seal on his stomach, engulfing his opponent. As the light faded, the enemy stood up and looked at Naruto with a goofy grin.

"Let's go get some ramen buddy!" The guy cried out slinging an arm around Naruto's shoulder.

"Sure thing Tobi..." Naruto agreed with a smile. It really sucked having a psychotic care bear cousin stuck in his stomach, but at least the ones he hit normally end up buying him ramen as a treat. 


	24. Coal Black Eyes

Shino smirked as he watched Neji clutch his head, and drop like a rock. The foaming at the mouth, and spasms told Shino all he needed to know, the aneurism attack his bugs had performed was successful.

Turning away he smiled behind his coat's collar, Neji had gotten too close and thus had to be eliminated. 'You might have been a genius Neji, but you overlooked the obvious. Enjoy your death.'

Shino knew exactly what the examiners of his body were going to find, the only flaw on his skin being a small mosquito bite on the calf. The only shame came in that innocent and rather attractive Tenten was the one who had made Neji trigger his Byakugan, which was the pebble that started the aneurism avalanche. Maybe he'd have to comfort Tenten, or arrange for someone to. After all, she shouldn't feel guilty over his kill. It would make her wonder, and that could make her a target.

He really didn't want her to be a target. 


	25. What Now?

Naruto blinked as he woke up in a strange and bizarre area. Sitting up he looked at the rolling green hills, and the pretty blue skies. The last thing he remembered was charging into the fight between Sasuke and the masked ninja. Something red had surrounded him, and that was all he knew. But now he was here and there was something that looked like a horse nudging him.

The odd thing was this horse was about as tall as his armpits, covered in light blue fur, with a pink mane and tail, weird pink whistles on its hind quarters, and some wings sticking out of its back. Though the worse part of it all was that it was talking to him. "Are you hurt Megan?"

Naruto blinked at the question, looking down at his body. For some reason he was wearing blue jeans, an orange button down shirt, a brown verse, and a pair of boots. Then his hair slipped over his shoulder, revealing a lighter blonde than he was expecting, tied off with big red ribbon. The worst part is he thought that Ino would be a close facsimile to what she looked like now.

"Y...Yeah..." Naruto said shakily as he rubbed his newly female head as though pained. "I just can't seem to remember anything about here at all... uhh..."

"I'm your friend Wind Whistler, Megan..." the female horse thing explained. "And you're in pony land..."


	26. Claustrophobia

This one has been sitting around for several weeks on my hard drive, I just finished the scene out. Sorry if it seems disjointed.

* * *

Naruto stared at the woman glaring down at him from the foot of his bed, his_ hospital_ bed. It wasn't that he minded the bed rest, or even the woman at the end of the bed, but it was the room. It was suffocating him. He could feel the sweat breaking out on his forehead, and knew that the walls would be closing in on him soon, and yet he couldn't do anything to get the woman to let him out.

"Come on Sakura-chan," Naruto pleaded, his usual smile growing slightly nervous. "Just let me go outside for some fresh air, even just a trip into the hall would be fine!"

"No Naruto," Sakura countered her emerald eyes hardening as she pushed his back down into the bed. "You are not going anywhere until Tsunade-sama okays your release. She gave me the duty of keeping you in this bed until she got here, and you're staying. That. Is. Final."

Naruto let out a whimper of terror as he looked over at the clock. He'd only been awake for five minutes, but already he could feel the walls closing in, the tightness in his chest was making breathing difficult. He had to get out of here; he had to do something, anything to escape the prison-like confines of the hospital room. Go somewhere with trees, and flowers, and wind, and dirt, and sky, and wind... and WIND! He couldn't make a move to run without risking hurting Sakura though... maybe if she were to open the window he could relax, at least the wind would help distract him.

"Hey Sakura-san... if I promise not to move while you're over there, could you open the window please?" Naruto pleaded, trying a new tactic. Something in his voice told Sakura was up, that and the shaking he'd developed shortly after the sweat started beading on his forehead. "Please... I... I just need some air Sakura-san..."

Sakura frowned down at Naruto, he wasn't acting his usual self. In fact he seemed to be acting like he was stuck in class again, especially that one where Miyuki-sensei had bound and gagged Naruto into the closet. She couldn't figure out why Naruto was acting like this, but he wasn't going to trick her into escaping like that. "No Naruto, Tsunade-sama should be here soon, and then you can go. You did do a lot of damage to your body this time..."

Naruto collapsed back onto the bed, trying to stop his hands from trembling by clutching the sheets under them. "I swear to you Sakura, that if I get up off this bed while you're opening the window, I will give up ramen for an entire year. You know I never go back on my word, so please... just open the windows... just a little bit... please?"

Sakura picked up a rag and wiped the sweat off Naruto's brow. Something wasn't right, but she couldn't place her finger on it. Naruto wasn't acting like himself, but she had strict orders that he wasn't to leave the bed. Looking out the window she let out a sigh and shook her head. "I'm sorry Naruto, it's raining out..."

Before Naruto could reply Tsunade walked into the room, "Naruto, you're free to go af..." she began before an orange blur zoomed past in front of her. "...ter you get dressed..." she finished blinking slightly. "What just happened?"

"Lady Tsunade..." Sakura answered quietly, "What do you know of odd behavior? I mean in a person..."

"Not much I'm afraid..." Tsunade began sitting down on the bed and sighing. "Psychology, or the medicine of mental problems is something no ninja have ever studied, why?"

"Because Naruto was panicking about being in this room..." Sakura answered worriedly as she rubbed the still warm spot on the bed. "He's done it before in tighter spaces, but never in a room as large as this..."

"That's odd..." Tsunade intoned curiously, "Maybe it's something we should have someone study that branch of medicine... it might help the village as a whole..."

Sakura stood up and walked over to the window, looking at Naruto dancing out in the rain, celebrating something in his own mind. "Ino's family uses various jutsu for the mind... don't they? Maybe they'd be the best choice..."

"I'll ask if they're interested..." Tsunade offered as she looked down at the boy she thought of as her son. It was the best she could do right now. And that was a sad fact in her opinion.


	27. The Attraction of Firepower

Tenten stared at the sight before her in awestruck wonderment. In front of her was the Hokage Tsunade, with a younger blonde boy she recognized as Naruto Uzumaki. But what had really stunned her stupid was the thing in Naruto's hands. The contraption looked like a dozen hollow metal rods slapped on the front of a square box like device. The device spun those hollow tubes around in a fast circuit, using the metal plates at the front and back to keep the tubes aligned. When Naruto applied chakra to the device however was the part that she really was interested in.

In the span of five seconds, Naruto had managed to do five things. First, decimate a seventeen foot thick boulder to gravel. Second, get the weapon classified as a B-rank weapon. Third, get forbidden from using it in spars. Fourth, laugh like a complete and utter madman. And fifth, make Tenten get very aroused by the unintentional show of destruction.

She was debating between going home to change her underwear or ravaging Naruto right there in front of her idol, when she caught the name of the weapon. "Chakra Gatling Cannon, huh?" Tenten mused while licking her lips. "I might just have to get one of those from him... and more... much, much more..."

Meanwhile, in another bush not too far away, Hinata couldn't help but picture Naruto shirtless with rippling muscles, and his hitai-ite tied around his head, coming out of the water while blasting away with his new weapon. Water would be rippling off his toned muscles while his savage war cry filled the air. Needless to say she was found that evening with a deliriously happy smile and a subtle nosebleed.


	28. Naruto's Pet 2

If you asked anyone, they'd tell you Kakashi was a pretty strange, but all together great shinobi. His fascination with the porn novels Icha-Icha was somewhat obscene, but it was no worse than most jounin odd behavior. If you pressed to ask what they thought about his students they'd tell you that he would be the only one to understand them, especially the demon brat; just before they'd get hauled away by the ANBU for some 'gentle questioning'. This would lead you to believe that he had managed to do the impossible and figure out the mental processes of one Naruto Uzumaki.

As such, it would come as no surprise when you would find Kakashi sitting in a tree reading his favorite novel, while his students sparred below. When his students fall quiet for a few minutes he'd look down and check on them casually. Sasuke would be studying a new katon jutsu, striving for the much sought after power to kill his older brother Itachi. Sakura would be daydreaming about things that could fill the entire Icha-Icha series about said avenger. And finally, Naruto would be... missing?

Lowering his book he looked around for the missing blonde more carefully. He knew deep in his elusive and often confusing mind, that not keeping an eye on Naruto would mean no ends of trouble. And that's when the rumbling started. Turning towards the source of the rumbling, Kakashi found his book tumbling from his now numb fingers. He didn't want to know, but knew he had to find out where Naruto had found that... whatever the hell it is. While his other two cute little pupils ran with twin trails of urine marking their path, Kakashi sighed and teleported onto the top of... that thing, next to the Jinchuuriki that was cuddling it and cooing like a baby.

"Naruto..." Kakashi started cautiously, while looking down at the thing he was barely standing on. "What the hell is this?"

Looking up with that big foxy grin of his, Naruto seemed like a little kid bringing home a puppy. "This is my new pet Mr. Sumo! Can I keep him?!"

Kakashi thought about the request for all of the five nanoseconds he needed to recover from the insane request his student was posing. "Answer my questions and you might be able to... What is Mr. Sumo? Where did you find him? And what the does he eat?"

"Mr. Sumo is the best, widdle Chakra steel golem ever! Yes he is! OH YES HE IS!" Naruto gushed, hugging his monstrosity like it wasn't a two hundred foot tall middle finger to nature and physics. Then again they were ninjas, and nature and physics seldom played parts in that.

"And he was in a cave over there..." Naruto continued pointing off down the path of destruction that 'Mr. Sumo' had caused. "The best part is he only needs my chakra to charge him! Can I keep him, please? Huh? Can I? Please?"

"Hold on Naruto... how do you know all this?" Kakashi asked, his brain still trying to sift through everything. A second after the question escaped his lips, Naruto held up a paper entitled "Care and Maintenance of Your New Chakra Steel Golem" for Kakashi to look over.

Kakashi looked over the information, and sighed heavily as he considered letting Naruto keep the behemoth. Finally he thought of a loophole that could get him out of this mess. "Go ask the Hokage Naruto..."

Unfortunately, he never considered Naruto would TAKE the humanoid monstrosity with him. After destroying a section of the merchant's district, which Kakashi barely noted had refused to serve Naruto every time he'd come in there, they arrived at the Hokage tower. However, Kakashi's hopes of passing the buck to the Hokage were dashed when he saw the blinds with a giant "Ask Kakashi" painted on them.

Kakashi looked down at Naruto and sighed before nodding his assent, not knowing the sheer amount of doom he was bringing to the village, or the world as a whole.


	29. Fear the Chuunin

Sharingan no Kakashi was renowned as a genius among ninjas, having actually been one of the few to retire from life as an ANBU Captain to lead a genin squad. He had his flaws to be sure, one was the fact that he was always late, _**ALWAYS**_. Another, less known, fact is that he has a bad habit of turning in the worst possible mission reports on record.

Today was a day following a simple C-rank mission that his cell was to get some reports from a fall-back point in the southern forests of Hi no Kuni. It was meant to be an easy walk south out of Konoha, and back, a simple two day hike in the woods.

When he arrived two weeks later, with only his orange (barely) clad student in tow at the mission office, Iruka knew that he was in for a headache. Looking at the report, he felt his right eye twitch in annoyance, not only was it almost completely illegible, it was from what he could see around the blood spots, dirt, and various other stains on the paper looked to be Naruto's penmanship, when he was first learning to write.

"I can't accept this," Iruka stated calmly, sliding it back towards Kakashi. "It looks like Naruto wrote this while riding on a wild horse, with both arms broken. It's covered in so many stains that it's completely illegible, and finally, it's late."

Naruto decided it was prudent to edge away from his sensei, seeing that tic in Iruka's eye. He'd seen it before and never liked the result. Besides, he had to go check on Sasuke and Sakura in the hospital, like a good teammate. He wasn't running away like a coward, not in the least, he was following the tenant of not abandoning his comrades. After all, Kakashi-sensei could take care of himself, right?

"Maa..." Kakashi droned while he looked at the scroll. Part of that is because Naruto wrote it on the back of a wild horse with two broken arms, against Sakura's back while she was unconscious... the blood is probably from Sasuke or Naruto... they had some squirting cuts..."

Kakashi might have found something odd, should he have noticed that the entire mission room turned deathly silent, and Naruto was doing his best to claw through the solid wood doors. However, he didn't, so he continued explaining. "I was a little busy being dragged behind the horse on a sled, fighting off the traitors. So... why don't I dictate it to you, and we call it even?"

Iruka smiled pleasantly at Kakashi, noting that the jounin had been severely battered during the encounter, and the rest of the mission room had decided to leave. Instead he reached into his desk drawer and pulled out a tea spoon and a mouse.

Outside the heavy wood doors, the other mission room clerks were collecting reports from the other ninjas, when the screaming started. Nothing was audible to the ninjas, but one member of the Interrogation squad shivered and shrank away from the doors. "Oh god... not the mouse one... no one deserves that..."

Ten minutes later, Tsunade arrived to find that all her brave and unruly ninjas in a neat and orderly line, proof reading their mission reports, and being unbelievably polite to Iruka and the other mission room clerks. She even saw Kakashi, the worst offender of the policies ever sitting in the corner, writing his report over again. At least until a mouse walked into his field of vision.

She never thought she'd live to see the day that Kakashi would scream like a little school girl and run away from a simple mouse. However, when all the ninjas pulled away from it, save Iruka, she knew.

She knew that she was going to need a lot of sake for Kakashi next therapy appointment.


	30. Over 9000!

Iruka stood in front of the class with Mizuki, explaining about the strange device between them. "Today class we're going to get a measurement of your chakra levels taken to better facilitate your development as ninjas. And we'll start with..." Iruka was cut off as Naruto barrelled in the room, via an open window. "Naruto Uzumaki... thank you for volunteering..."

Before the poor blonde could inquire what the hell he meant, he was strapped into the chair, while Iruka stood in front of him. "This won't hurt a bit..."

Mizuki pressed a button and blinked in shock over the reading.

"What does it say about his chakra levels Mizuki?"

"It's over NINE THOUSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!" Mizuki shouted slamming his palms into the counter top.

"WHAT?! NINE THOUSAND?!" Iruka shouted back in surprise, "There's no way that can be right!"

"No... that sounds about right..." answered an elderly voice from the doorway. All heads whipped around to look at the Hokage standing there with a smirk on his face. "I felt that it might be a good idea to stop by today Iruka-sensei..." 


	31. ChouKa

Inspired by one-of-clayr's What If Chouji x Kakashi, and dedicated to the reviewer spottedstar2... you know what for.

* * *

"Oh dearest Chouji... why couldn't you have been on my squad?" Kakashi moaned softly as he watched said member of the Akamichi clan. "I wouldn't leave you alone like Asuma does... oh so hungry... I would take you to all-you-can-eat buffets every day, I would train you in sumo, I'd bring you boxes of doughnuts everymorning..."

Kakashi sighed as Chouji went off with his team, leaving him to close his shades and turn around to look at the Icha Icha posters surrounding his room, with secret photos of Chouji strewn about the floor. "Soon Chouji... soon... you will be my widdle butterball, and I will keep you rotund!" Looking around the room shiftily, his hand lowered down to his pant's zipper. "Well... since we're alone my dear..."

Meanwhile, a few blocks away, Chouji shuddered and looked at Shikamaru. "Hey Shika... ever feel like some pervert's jerking off all over stalker pictures of you?"

"That... was oddly specific Chouji..." Shika replied, blinking at his big boned friend. "Why would you think something troublesome like that?"

Chouji just shrugged and continued on his way. "Just did... and I feel like going on a diet... and getting a dog with anger issues... a big one..."

"I'm sure it's just your imagination Chouji..." Shika reassured him while slinging an arm over his shoulders. "Let's go get some BBQ, I'll pay this time."

"Okay..." Chouji answered looking around nervously, "As long as you think it's just that..."


	32. Eros Ninja

Naruto looked at the book he had found on the sidewalk curiously. He had seen one of those cool ninja guys walking around while reading it. And if a ninja read it, it must be awesome! After all it was his favorite color orange, was read by the awesome ninja guys, and had the first part of Icharaku's all over the cover. That must mean it was pure and undiluted awesomeness, maybe even about ramen, or jutsu, or ramen, or fights, or ramen, or even... ramen!

Needless to say, the six-year old's mind knew what it liked, and had built up a lot of expectations for this book. And so he opened up the book, and looked expecting great awesomeness. And it was, it was awesome, it was great, it was... unreadable...

Oh right, he couldn't read yet...

Shrugging the blonde boy continued flipping through the pages, finally coming to some pictures that looked like a woman and a man fighting. They were rolling around all over the places, and some of them were drawings showing how to do stuff. He guessed they were naked because it was easier to show how to do the jutsu moves without clothing blocking the view. He had to wonder why the woman was missing what was between his legs, but saw that she was certainly enjoying having it inside her. And she was on top! That means she was winning... right?

The six year-old decided that he had found one of the ultra-top secret girl ninja training books... what were they called again? Kun... kunoichi? Yeah that's right! He must have gotten one of their training manuals. He wanted to be the best of all, so he had to learn their attacks as well as the ones for guys. This fighting would help him to be the most awesome hokage ever!

And thus started one of the weirdest ninja careers in history: Naruto Uzumaki, the Eros Ninja.


	33. Normal Day

It was a normal day in Konoha, the birds were chirping, the fangirls were stalking, giant explosions were occuring in the training grounds, Naruto was slurping up gallons of ramen, ninjas were training, others were doing missions, and Orochimaru was leading a gay pride parade down the main street of the village.

Absolutely nothing odd going on today. 


	34. Magical Girl Game

This was inspired in part by my friend Gouken 2009 and modified from the version he's working up for a game. I think we both like this version too... I wanna play his game though.

* * *

Naruto sighed as he rounded the last corner before he'd reach his apartment. It had been a long and hard day of training, and all he wanted to do right now was take a shower and collapse into bed. It wasn't until he was ten feet from the door to the apartment building that he heard the voices talking softly. Brushing it aside as someone from one of the other buildings, he continued on, only to find himself confronting a wall of kunoichi looking at him with smiles that seemed a little _too_ innocent to be good.

First his eyes glanced over Sakura who was smiling sweetly at him, signaling his brain that something was wrong. Compounding that was Ino's calculating gaze falling on him. Hinata managed to diffuse some of it as she was blushing and doing that poking fingers together thing she always did when talking to him. After her came Temari smirking and holding her fan in her hands as though she might need it as a club. Finally was Tenten, who quite frankly was scaring him with how she was twirling that kunai on her finger. Turning on his heel, he was about to use the better part of valor and run for it, when a hand landed on his shoulder.

"Naruto! Just the person we were looking for..." Tenten's overly cheerful voice said in his ear softly. It was at that moment that Naruto knew he was going to do whatever they asked of him, because he would be dead meat if he didn't.

Little did he suspect exactly what they were going to ask.

A half-hour later, he was nearly certain that either he or they were crazy. But he decided to give them the benefit of the doubt for now. And so he tried to repeat back what they had just asked in plain simple language. "Basically, you want me to join the girls against the guys in a board game... where you are playing these... hime was it? Against the guys, who are playing youma. Tsunade-baa-chan is going to act as the DM thing in order to make things fair. You've even gone ahead and rolled up a character for me, and are promising to buy me three meals of ramen if I play."

"H...hai N...naruto-kun..." Hinata answered shyly from the couch where she sat between Tenten and Temari.

"Tsunade-sama hasn't allowed us to look at the sheet she made for you... but she assures us it'd match you perfectly," Sakura answered while she and Ino flanked the poor, trapped, and confused blonde. "The guys said that it would be fine for you to play with us... as long as you were in your female form..."

Naruto gulped against the sudden lump in his throat, looking between all the expectant and hopeful eyes looking at him. Feeling some small part of him inside whimpering in fear, he nodded his agreement with a sigh of defeat. "Alright, let me go shower and I'll come with you..."

As the girls cheered, Naruto created a kage bunshin to go get some drinks for the girls while he showered. His first stop was his bedroom, where he pulled out a box from the deepest recesses of his closet, dusting it off and carrying it into his bathroom.

A cold shower later, he vowed to fix the water heater again, he got dressed in the feminine clothes from the box, picking out an orange blouse and a pair of black pants before transforming into his female form. He'd learned long ago that his henge didn't create an illusion like the others, but rather changed him physically, so he had picked up clothes, just in case he got stuck.

To be honest, she didn't think she looked half bad in the clothes, but this would be the first time she'd ever shown off to others. Letting out another sigh, she opened the door and walked out in a cloud of steam, to silence. Turning to look, she found the five girls staring at her blankly, causing her to shift nervously and rub the back of her head. "Uhh... hi girls... I... I don't look too bad do I?" she asked in her shy simpering voice, the one she had long since perfected to drive men wild with lust.

Tenten seemed to be the first to find her voice as she lowered her can of juice and hooked an arm around the shorter blonde's shoulders. "Not at all Narut... err Naru-chan... it's just... we expected you to be a bit more..." Tenten trailed off, looking for the best way to put it, she was spared when Temari spoke up.

"We were expecting you to be more of an exhibitionist," Temari stated flatly with a slight blush to her cheeks.

"Oh!" Naruto exclaimed while blushing, looking down she shifted her feet nervously in the long stained carpet. "Well, I... I usually use this form for shock... and it's over quickly... but I thought that you would not like a girl playing with you dressed like that..."

As she was looking down at the ground, she never noticed that more than one blush of the group seemed to grow deeper at the secondary meaning to the words Naruto had subconsciously chosen. However, this wasn't noticed, and they were running late, so they all left, making sure to lock up Naru-chan's apartment on their way out.

It was weird, but Naru-chan seemed to fit in easily with the group, giggling and laughing pleasantly as they walked to the Hokage tower.

Arriving at the tower, there was another awkward silence, all eyes focused on a nervous and sweat dropping Naru-chan. Apparently the guys had all thought she'd would arrive dancing around as naked as a sprite, while giggling and flirting left and right. Apparently the more normal version of a female Naruto was stunning them into silence.

Naru-chan waved to them quietly before slipping over next to Tsunade, smiling sweetly at her. "Hey Baa-chan... I heard you made a character for me... can I have it, please?"

Tsunade, stunned at the sugary sweetness of the girl before her, simply held up the sheet for Naruto to take. The girl took the sheet with a grin and looked it over curiously, before settling in one of the empty seats. Only one part really bugged her about the sheet, it mentioned a secret secondary rage power. She didn't like anything that might link her to the Kyuubi, but the small fox mascot she got would be fine. After all, foxes were cute so long they weren't massive chakra fueled beings of ultimate destruction.

As everyone settled in, no one noticed the subtle hum of energy filling the room. Even as Tsunade reached out and placed the Hime pieces, no one thought anything of it. It wasn't until darkness overcame them all, did they realize something was wrong.

Blinking her eyes, Naruko looked around the devastated landscape surrounding her. She paled in fear that she might have caused it when she blacked out, but a little furry body rubbing against her leg let her know that something was seriously wrong. Gulping nervously, she looked down at the little fox wagging its tail behind itself.

"**Hey Kit, I thought I would make this game more interesting...**" a familiar demonic voice squeaked out of the small fox, much to said foxes annoyance.

"Kyuubi?" Naruto asked cautiously. After getting a nod from the little fox, she snatched it up by the back of its neck and shouted in its face. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO NOW YOU LITTLE BASTARD!"

"**I told you... I made the game more interesting... by sticking all of you and your friends into it...**" Kyuubi replied with a smirk. "**And I suspect that you are the lucky one to land on a hive square. Have fun Kit!**"

Following Kyuubi's look over her shoulder, she paled as she saw the massive and ugly monster that seemed to be drawn forth from her darkest nightmares after that mission with Shino. She would guess that it was one of those youma things, but right now she had to run until she figured out how to fight.

Sadly, she didn't get that chance, as it let out a roar of challenge, and surged at the severely confused blonde girl. It would seem the battle had been joined, whether she wanted to or not.


	35. BA

Naruto looked around at the gathering of people surrounding him. When he'd first been invited he scoffed at the idea, but then it started poking at the back of his brain. Showing up at a meeting, he had somehow found him thrust into center stage, a place he usually wanted to be in, but not right now.

Clearing his throat he smiled and waved. "Hello... My name is Naruto..." he began a little shakily.

"HELLO NARUTO!" the crowd replied reminding the blonde of what Shino mentioned the hive mind sounded like when he was talking to them.

"I... In my early days, I had one and only one real friend," he continued, sweating slightly under the spotlight, "But it has been revealed to me that he was a demon out to destroy everything I held dear. I... I have gotten more friends, but I still hold onto that old friendship, trying to return him to my side, even as I know he's going to only hurt me..."

"Kyuubi won't hurt you anymore!" a voice in the back shouted, Naruto's eyes zeroed in on him curiously.

"What are you talking about?" Naruto asked confused. "I'm talking about Sasuke Uchiha..."

Naruto looked down at the podium in front of him and sighed. "I am Naruto Uzumaki... and my best friend is becoming a demon."

A smiling brunette woman in a smart business suit walked onto the stage and hugged the poor blonde around the shoulders. "That's alright, Naruto... We here at Betrayed Anonymous, don't judge, and we will not betray you. We've been betrayed enough as is... Isn't that right people?"

As the resounding affirmatives sounded out through the hall, Naruto smiled. For the first time, he felt like he was accepted and wanted unconditionally. It was an amazing thing.


	36. New Intros

Kakashi looked over his new genin squad curiously as they sat on the roof, soaking up the sunshine. To say they were not what he expected upon reading their files would be something of an understatement.

First, he was pretty sure that Sasuke wasn't supposed to be dancing around in a frilly pink dress, while singing about how he was going to seduce and marry the man that had taken his first kiss, to a stuffed tomato.

Next was said man, who was trying to keep as far from the pink disaster area as humanly possible. Last he looked, which was more recent then Naruto realized, the blonde didn't have fox ears, a tail, nor was thick fur supposed to cover his body. He was also almost perfectly certain that the kyuubi jinchuuriki normally wore clothes... if that day-glo orange jumpsuit he used to wear could be considered clothes, that is. As is, he was surprised to find out that Naruto was neither male nor female, but he was fairly certain that Icha Icha: Curiousity #235 classified it as futanari, or hermaphroditic. He was VERY glad that he could erase the memory of this lovely vision from his already scarred mindscape. Otherwise he might just have had to follow his father down that lovely seppuku road.

Looking at the final member of his squad made him reevaluate that stance again. The kunoichi of the year was sitting between the two 'male' members of the squad. Her profile suggested she was gifted with exceptional chakra control, and an incredible intellect. It did not mention that she would talk with herself, arguing back and forth about killing everyone in the world or not. The worst part is that when she talked about killing people she got an angelic, innocent looking smile, while the other side could quite possibly scare Kyuubi itself. The massive battle axe behind her didn't help matters much at all.

For the fifth time in two minutes he tried to break the genjutsu on him, only to find none there. Suddenly he wondered if he wasn't getting a contact high off of Sarutobi's 'tobacco' from earlier, or maybe that living ramen monster at Naruto's place was doing it. Looking at the group, he decided that it would be best to nip this in the bud.

"Right..." he drawled casually, gathering the attention of the new team. "Let's start with intros..."

"You first oh sexy, sexy sensei..." Sasuke purred saucily while leaning forward towards the jounin.

Kakashi cleared his throat, and shrugged, going first. "Maaa... Well my name is Hatake Kakashi... I have no desire to tell you my likes and dislikes... Dreams for the future... Hmm..." Kakashi paused as though to think about it for a moment, before continuing as though he gave an answer, "And I have lots of hobbies..."

"**Foolish mortal only gave us his name! HE MUST BE SLAIN FOR MY GLORY!**" an innocently smiling Sakura demanded before the demonic glaring one came out. "No, he is our teacher Kiyohime, we must respect him."

Kakashi raised his exposed eye at the pink haired woman, subtly preparing his kunai for defense. "Your turn miss schizo..."

"I'm Sakura Haruno, I like Sasuke-kun, Slash-kun," she stated sweetly with that demonic glare look, petting the battle axe she had apparently named. "My dream for the future is to become a strong kunoichi. My hobby is stalking Sasuke-kun. What I dislike is Naruto, Ino, and being made fun of for my pink hair."

Kakashi was about to move over to one of the others, when her face switch from the demonic glare to the angelic smile. "**I'm Sakura, but you can call me Kiyohime! I like Slash-kun and Naruto's pranks!**" the possessed pink hair girl shouted proudly for the universe to hear. "**My dream for the future is to kill everyone on the planet, glass the surface, and then spread salt all over it! I dislike being made fun of because of my pink hair, the color pink, and not being able to kill things!**"

Kakashi stared at the girl flatly for a few minutes before flicking a finger off to the left, indicating for Naruto to go first. He felt that he was prepared for anything, he was wrong... very very wrong...

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki, recently fused with the Kyuubi no Kitsune, and taking over as the head of the Kitsune clans. My likes are ramen, Iruka-sensei, gardening, foxes, and new jutsu. My dislikes are tardy lazy bastards, psychotic fangirls, dogs, monogamy, how long it takes for ramen to cook, and Sasuke-teme," Naruto stated, ducking under Slash-kun swung by Sakura before continuing like nothing happened, "My hobbies are creating new jutsu, pervert busting, testing new ramen, gardening, training, and looking for future husbands and wives both human and fox. My dream for the future is to become the Hokage, lead the Kitsune clans to greatness, and have a harem."

Kakashi looked at Naruto for a few minutes as it wagged its tail lazily. He was pretty sure that it was smirking and winking at him, while mentally undressing him. He was pretty sure he was going to need new, heavier locks and traps on his apartment, and maybe let the more savage members of his pack of nindogs hang out as his place. Some thicker curtains too would help. Yes that sounded like a good idea.

Finally, without prompting, Sasuke sang out in a sing-song voice. "Hiiiii~~~! I'm Sasuke-kun, but you can call me yours... I just got put on some great new medicine called Prozac... I like tomatoes, Naruto-kun, sexy teachers like you, my Prozac, and sharp and pointy fun-fun things. I dislike stalker fangirls, straight men, men that won't submit to me, and my brother Itachi. My dream is to capture and rape my brother Itachi, and then make him repopulate the Uchiha clan while I build my all male harem!"

Something deep inside Kakashi, told him that he might want to reconsider given them a passable test tomorrow, and that he didn't want to go to sleep anywhere near the three of them. Ever.

"Maa... well that's it for introductions, tomorrow we'll take a test to prove you're ready to be gennin under my command. Just so you know, I have never passed a group before, and in general the fail rate is 66 percent. Meet me at training ground forty-two at ten tomorrow morning... oh and I suggest not eating breakfast, you'll only throw it up."

Without even waiting for their replies, he beat a hasty retreat to the Hokage tower; he had a LOT of questions to ask Sarutobi-sama.


	37. Medieval Naruto

Naruto sighed as he added more coal to the furnace. He loved helping the knights of the kingdom of Konohagakure by giving them their weapons, or even helping weapon mistress Tenten to train on a new weapon design she came up with. It wasn't glamorous or anything, but it was certainly better than starving like he had when he was younger. It was his side job that caused him to sigh.

Only the King Sarutobi knew of his secret job as the spiritual protector of the kingdom, and frankly as far as he was concerned it could stay that way. True the blacksmith he helped might have some inkling of an idea about what his young helper got up to late at night, but Iruka was a good man of warm smiles and friendly words, unless Naruto screwed up with something, and then he was vicious with his words. However, Naruto noticed that while others might get lumps with the words, he never did with Iruka. That in and of itself made Iruka the greatest man next to the King himself, in Naruto's books.

Turning away from the furnace he gathered up some scrap metal chunks that had fallen out of an earlier ore shipment, tossing them carefully in the glowing hot liquid metal before him. There was much he had learned in this job, and each of them in turn helped him better protect the kingdom secretly. Walking over to the bellows he began the steady pumping, just as Iruka had taught him, getting the coals nice and hot. Just right for what he was forging.

Today was the day; he was being given his first chance to forge something. And in a surprise to Iruka, he had chosen a simple broad axe design, rather than something fancier, like silver crafting, or something more delicate, such as a sword. No, this was an axe, and it was meant for brutal efficiency. That was something Naruto could appreciate.

Pouring the molten ore into the mold, he kept a careful eye to make sure there were no air pockets forming, and that both sides were even through the entire pour. The next step was flash cooling it, releasing a huge cloud of steam into the air after the mold submerged into cold water he had filled earlier. Using a tongs, he pulled the axe head out of the water, and looked at it with a smile. It was beautifully formed, and now he just needed to stick it on the shaft, and sharpen it.

Sliding the wooden shaft easily, he smiled at the nearly perfect fit. Next he took a few small wedges of wood, and hammered them in to lock the head onto the shaft. In a few years, he might learn the trick of making hooks down below to help hold it, but for this time, he would use the wedges.

After wedging the head into place, he took it over to the sharpening wheel. Leaning the cutting edges against the spinning wheel of coarse stone, he marveled slightly at how the sparks would fly, careful to make sure that they were angling away from the dry hay and wood. Wouldn't do to have a fire on his attempt at becoming a full smith apprentice, now would it? After a few minutes, he inspected the blade of the axe, smiling at how nicely formed it was, that it looked to cut the light itself.

Taking a few test swings he nodded at the feel of the balance, thinking that it was good. No real pull to either side. Looking up, he smiled widely at Iruka who had been watching him the entire time. With a smile of his own, Iruka indicated the target for his final test. The length of hard wood had to be split by the axe in order to pass. Gulping Naruto walked carefully over, and lined himself up as Tenten had taught him during practice. He was too lowborn to be a knight, but like the weapon mistress, he had worked hard to get out of the orphanage and become an apprentice to one of the other commoners that helped with knights. This was it, hefting the newly formed axe up, he brought it down on the length of wood, and was stunned as the axe head not only split it cleanly through, but also bit deep into the stump below. Turning his head, he saw his shock mirrored on Iruka's face, and then it faded into a smile with pride shining at his apprentice.

He heard clapping behind him, and turned to see the King and Weapon Mistress Tenten standing there, clapping at him. That's when it hit him, he was not a full-fledged smith apprentice, and in only five years. Grinning widely he bowed to the King, before he felt warm arms surrounding him and hugging him close. He heard Sarutobi whispering softly, "I'm so proud of you Naruto..." which brought tears of joy to his eyes.

Shortly after Sarutobi released him, he was tackled by Tenten who started dancing around the yard with him and laughing, loudly congratulating the blonde on passing. She also claimed ownership of the axe for her own, which caused a little exasperation on the part of Naruto, turning to embarrassment for the two friends as the adults mused about the possibility of wedding bells in the future. Anyone else would have been shouted at by Naruto, which Tenten would scold him for, but not these two, but not the two who had given him so much growing up. So he just took the embarrassment with a grumble and worked to pull the axe out of the stump. He had to give it to Tenten properly, didn't he?


	38. OBJECTION!

"Now Mr. Uzumaki, could you please show for the court, where the man touched you on this doll?" The lawyer-nin asked carefully, using his body to block the view Naruto might have had of the defendant while handing him the anatomically correct doll.

Naruto gulped nervously, feeling all the eyes of the court on him, slowly he took the doll turned it over in his hands, and carefully pointed to its buttocks, between the two cheeks. As the court gasped in shock and dismay, Kakashi slumped over in his seat defeated.

The lawyer-nin pushed his glasses up on his nose and turned to walk away from the witness stand. "Up the backside... where he was clearly violated sexually by another man. And who you may ask is that man? Let's find out, shall we?" Turning back to Naruto, he put on a friendly smile, and leaned in close, his voice picked up by the microphone on the stand. "Mr. Uzumaki... you know that it's not your fault what happened, right?" The lawyer-nin asked carefully, resting his hands carefully on the stand before Naruto. At the boy's nod, he continued. "Now is the man who did that to you here in this court room?" Once again Naruto nodded, this time the lawyer-nin stepped aside to give him a full view of the courtroom. "Now can you point to him?"

As Naruto's hand came about, and a sole finger extended right at Kakashi, the entire court fell silent. A moment later, the lawyer-nin cleared his throat and walked out. "May it please the court that my client is pointing to the defendant, Hatake Kakashi, a jounin that had been assigned as my client's instructor. Not only did he abuse his power, but he violated a basic trust that students and teacher need. You have heard the testimony of his two teammates, and that of the Yamanaka who was sent to verify the memories. On top of all this, and the evidence of the case, I humbly ask that the court use the maximum punishment in its authority. The defense rests."

As the rest of the trial continued, Kakashi couldn't help but think back on how that simple genin exam went so horribly wrong. And then he wondered how the hell that brat had gotten a courtroom in place so quickly. He'd even tried to break a genjutsu, even though that brat had been the worst of the year. There was just something off about the entire trial.


	39. Space Case

This was written after long discussion with Gouken 2009, basically, he's planning a build off of my scenelet Spacing Out (Randomness 10), and he challenged me to write up a scene in the verse, with a few lovely ladies as Naruto's crewmates. And yes, I stole a joke from Spaceballs: The Movie.

* * *

Naruto looked over the ship before him proudly, tracing its outline on the view-screen lovingly. He had done it, after three exams, and a technicality he had managed to pass into the ranks of stellar craft captaincy. He had even gotten his first crew.

Turning away from the view-screen he picked up the pile of profiles he had picked out from the rest. Out of one-hundred people, only five really stuck out, mostly because they didn't have the family name Asshole.

The first was a girl that he had met at around the station a few times; she seemed to blush every time that he was around. Hinata Hyuuga was her name; apparently she was from the clan of bioroids that formed the vast majority of the Konoha fleet's tactical computing powers. Apparently she had washed out of the regular bioroid training program due to body issues. However, the Kyuubi's link system was different, enough so that Hinata had volunteered to join his crew as soon as it was possible.

Next up was a girl named Tenten, an orphan that had joined the weapons master program. Top marks for accuracy and weapon knowledge, the downside was that she seemed to have aggressiveness, anger management, and overkill issues. Thankfully, Kyuubi had more weapons than even Tenten could fire off in a fit of rage, or at least that's what the higher ups were hoping.

Next up was someone named Anko, who seemed to be a severe problem case for all captains, but was signed up to be his first mate. The lists of her issues with other commanders seemed to be about a quarter as long as the one Naruto had with the Konoha military police corps. Most of the issues he had tracked down seem to stem from her first captain, an Orochimaru, who had turned traitor and they seemed to be blaming her for it.

He could sympathize with that, after all, he'd been given Kon at birth by the Fourth Hokage. Kon had been the initial, and so far best and nearly only one able to utilize the Kyuubi. She was his fourth profile to read over, nothing surprising there. Hell, he'd been there for the vast majority of it, or he was told about it by Kon herself. There were a couple details that caught his attention, like the fact that Kon was a few hundred years older than she knew herself. A holdover from an ancient star-faring race that had been the base for his own genetic code, she had gone complete stir crazy in the time between her last command, and when she was discovered by the Fourth Hokage.

It would appear that he was actually created by the combination of three genetic codes. Kon had pulled an unborn baby out of the Fourth's sensors officer, and injected genes from her previous captain. That would explain the ears and tails, at least.

The final file was a person not on his crew, but rather his immediate superior. Apparently he would join up with Commander Hatake's fleet in escorting a civilian convoy to the planet of Wave, and remain on station until such time as the military grade spaceport was finished, and Konoha would assign a permanent fleet there to guard Wave as an outpost.

It was brief, and what wasn't completely censored was so vague that it was completely unusable to build a profile of the man, save for his name, age, rank, and other such details. Kon had taken offense at such a limited profile being provided, and started slicing into central command's files on the man. After all, knowledge was power, and he needed all the power he could get just to survive.

Looking over the files, he frowned. If he didn't know better, he'd think that the council in charge of crew assignment was giving him all the problems possible to set him up to fail. He knew better however, he knew that they were out and out sabotaging him with low quality replacement parts, problem cases, surrounding him with Assholes, and who was possibly the most critical of all commanders possible. Oh yeah, this was going to be fun.

Setting down the profiles, he picked up another file, this one being the mission write-up. Something about it was not sitting right with him about it. First there was the lack of information on Wave's recent fiscal problems. Then there was the fact that the convoy leader, a Tazuna had come out of his way to Konoha, paid for the mission, and then got completely blitzed at the nearest cantina. The third piece of doubt he had, was that instead of trying to bolster the loyalty of the captains, he had outright insulted them as being too young and unfit.

True, part of his bad feeling was that he had said he was an idiot, but that didn't mean he wasn't worth looking into more. After all, Iruka had once told him to trust his gut, and it had served him well since. What Naruto and Kon had turned up wasn't very promising; in fact it seemed that the mission was severely misclassified by the client. Pulling a bowl of ramen from the top of the desktop, he leaned back to savor the comfort food.

This was going to be a headache, wasn't it?


	40. New Intros 2

Kakashi looked over his new genin squad curiously as they sat on the roof, soaking up the sunshine. To say they were not what he expected upon reading their files would be something of an understatement.

First they were all dressed exactly the same, and had the exact same haircut that would forever be scarred into his nightmares. He wasn't about to look low enough to be certain, but he was going to put Pink down as the girl, Sakura was her name if he remembered the profile right. She was supposed to have a thing for the Uchiha, whom he was assigning as Black. That meant that Blonde would be Naruto.

Staring blankly at the trio, he sighed and cleared his through, "Alright, let's start with intros..." he started casually, before Pink leaped up and struck nice guy pose #13 with smile #2. An interesting look on a girl to say the least, especially with Blonde and Black doing jazz hands to her from behind. "YOSH! I am the youthful Sakura Haruno! I like genjutsu and taijutsu! My youthful goals are to become a genjutsu specialist and someday branch into medical nin training. I do not have many dislikes. And I hope that you will be a constant source of youth and inspiration as the eternal rival of youthful Gai-sensei!"

Before he could quip something back at her, Black surged forth and gave Kakashi what he could only hope was a salute. "YOSH! I am the youthful Sasuke Uchiha! I like taijutsu and ninjutsu! My youthful goals are to restore my clan, gain the use of my Sharingan, and marry the man I love, Rock Lee! I do not have many dislikes, save my unyouthful older brother Itachi, but I understand that he was misled down the wrong road of life. I hope to return to him the flaming spirit of Youth that Gai-sensei has instilled in me!"

Next up was Naruto, who sprang forth with a huge grin on his face, one that Kakashi had always dreaded during his prankster days, with the ping no jutsu of Gai's it was downright disturbing. "YOSH! I am the youthful Naruto Uzumaki! I like ninjutsu and taijutsu! My youthful goal is to become the next Hokage so that I may protect all of Konoha! I have a few dislikes, making me regretfully unyouthful, but Gai-sensei is helping me to overcome these. I hope to one day be a shining example of the power of Youth to all of Konoha!"

As silence returned to the rooftop, Kakashi stared blankly at the trio of expectant faces, beaming up at him full of life and energy that Gai had no doubt instilled in them from the beginning. He could feel some part deep inside of him dying as he realized that these three might just pass the bell test.

"I'm Kakashi Hatake, as you seem to know..." Kakashi began suspiciously, edging back from the trio. "And I have to go talk to the Hokage... meet me at training grounds 42 at seven tomorrow... oh and one last thing... you might want to skip breakfast, you'll only throw it up."

Without waiting for their replies, he broke and ran like the nine-tailed fox had ripped out of Naruto's gut and said hi. Unfortunately, he didn't hear the trio breaking down in peals of laughter, and Naruto's voice proclaiming, "I told you that'd be a great prank!"

Instead he was heading back for a long talk, and reassignment to deep infiltration in Iwa, where he was unlikely to ever see another Genin team again.


	41. Rebuilding the Clan

Sasuke sighed as he settled into his new home. After killing his brother, he decided against going on a stupidly suicidal rampage of revenge against the elders of Konoha, and had returned to the village he had once abandoned. His punishment wasn't as bad as it could have been, mostly thanks to Naruto defending him. He had spent the six months in prison, gave his ANBU parole officers a room in the remote house he'd chosen to live in instead of that haunting main house, and now he was about to settle down for the final stipulation.

He had to marry and produce some offspring within the next year. It wasn't that bad; after all, he'd built up a dossier on all eligible females, and even picked the most likely candidate. One of the girls from his class had excellent chakra control, and was training to be a chuunin instructor. She was one of his former fangirls, but still indicated interest in him, unlike his two biggest fangirls, Ino and Sakura. He was very shocked when he found out that they had started dating shortly after he and Naruto left on their respective Sannin training trips.

Putting those thoughts aside, he decided it was time to read that secret family scroll that he had put aside until such time as he was ready to start the family. Rolling open the scroll he felt something twitching on his face. There, before him, in faded black and yellow parchment was something that caused his annoyance level to triple.

The Sharingan was a matriarchal favored bloodline, meaning as a male he had only a 1 in 10 chance of bearing a Sharingan using child, while if he was a woman that ratio would have been 5 in 6.

Thumping his head against the wall in sheer futility, he wondered if maybe committing seppuku wouldn't be the best route. Just as he was mentally berating himself for being such an idiot, Naruto's Oiroke no Jutsu popped into his mind.

Snorting a laugh, he dismissed it as a juvenile use of the henge. But then the memory of his first C-rank mission came to mind, in particular how Naruto had changed from his annoyingly bright and idiotic self into a fuma shuriken. That could only happen if Naruto altered himself.

Grinning, Sasuke pulled out a blank piece of parchment and began scrawling a detailed plan that he would produce to the Hokage tomorrow morning. After all, he needed her help in finding just the right guy to rebuild the clan. He had to be strong, have great stamina, high chakra reserves, not a doujutsu user, and preferably loyal to the village. Another thing that would be good is that he was about the same age as Sasuke, that way there wouldn't be too great an age difference. As he continued listing out preferable attributes on another scroll, he made a mental note to beg, bribe, or get orders for Naruto to allow him to copy that jutsu.

Thinking back on his clan, he frowned at the part where he requested that it wasn't a male in a clan already. The Uchiha clan seemed to have a bad history to it, so maybe it was time to make a new clan, and leave them dead in the past. Setting the pen tip to the paper again, he scratched out the requirement firmly. If he was going to rebuild the Sharingan users like the council demanded, he would damn well raise them as loyal to Konoha as Naruto himself.

Leaning back, he decided that if he was going to leave Sasuke Uchiha behind, he'd take a new name and live as that woman entirely. Sighing he looked over at his mother's picture, and a childhood memory flashed to the front of his mind. His mother was talking to another woman about him while he played with his ninja toys on the floor. "If he'd been a girl, we were going to name him Saki..."

Smiling sadly he stood up and took his mother's picture off the wall and hugged it close. Sasuke Uchiha was no more, starting tomorrow there'd only be Saki.


	42. Fourthwall no Jutsu

Late one night, in the home of one Kishimoto Misashi something was afoul of the normal everyday life he had come to expect in the nice and stable reality that he had grown up in. Two female shadows stole through the stillness, leaving the sleeping creator none the wiser to their presence. Carefully one grabbed a package set to be mailed out in the morning, while the other kept a protective overwatch.

After obtaining the package, the pair stole away into the night, arriving on a rooftop where several other shadows joined them, and a flash of light later left nothing of their passing save a few leaves blown away by the wind.

Hinata was the first to react when they materialized in their realm, turning to look at Tenten clutching the new issue of the manga in her arms. "W...we s...shouldn't do this..."

Before Tenten could reassure the shy heiress, Sakura and Ino flanked the poor girl and slung an arm over either of her shoulders. The pink haired apprentice to the Hokage spoke up first. "Look Hinata, we all know that Naruto isn't coming back for another couple years, we just want to ensure that everything is going to flow smoothly, and then we'll return the package. Simple as that."

"After all," Ino continued while whispering conspiratorially to Hinata, "he's supposed to have you confessing your love to Naruto... don't you want to make sure that you get your guy?"

Hinata eeped and blushed, poking her fingers together as she mumbled softly. "S...still... w...we sshouldn't do this.... i...if w...we get ccaught..."

"We were assigned a C-rank mission to obtain civilian documents important to Konoha's future..." Tenten stated calmly as she opened the package, revealing paged of manuscript, written up, corrected by editors, approved, and waiting to be drawn into a manga. Their manga.

Hinata broke away from the two girls holding her and snatched up the manuscript and envelope carefully, tucking the papers away smoothly before clutching it tightly to her chest. "No... we shouldn't... I... I... let me think on it tonight... we exist outside his time flow right? So one night won't endanger the mission..."

"No..." Tenten stated calmly, silencing the other two with a glance, "No it wouldn't... in fact up until Naruto's return wouldn't affect Kishimoto's timeline..."

"T...Then can I take this for one night? Hold onto it, to decide if I can allow us to... to write our own future..." Hinata asked nervously looking down. If she was pushed, she wouldn't fight her friends, but it would seem that such matters wouldn't come to a head this day.

"Sure, we can wait," Tenten answered kindly before hugging the shy girl, "And if you don't want to do it... we'll return it without even looking at it. How's that?"

Hinata's eyes widened briefly as she hugged the older girl back, slowly she broke the hug and bowed, before disappearing from the roof they were on. Moments after she left, Ino and Sakura were on Tenten, demanding to know why she was letting Hinata get away with the manuscript they had gone through so much to get.

Tenten chuckled softly as she looked away towards the Hyuuga grounds, silencing the protests of the younger girls. A couple minutes of silence later, Tenten merely stated, "Because she is going to one who could convince her far faster then we could..."

Indeed, Hinata went to seek the counsel of the one who would convince her to do what was 'right'. Deep in a secret chamber under her room, in a lead lined section of the area, where even the greatest Byakugan couldn't penetrate was an area that Hinata had set up as a comfort area of sorts. Various romance novels about blonde hair, blue eyed men seducing shy heiresses and princesses lined the walls, interspersed with several dozen pictures of Naruto that she had taken while the blonde was unawares. Her personal favorite was one she had snapped off while he was soaking in the hot springs just before he left on his training trip with Jiraiya, nothing was definite in the picture, but if one looked close enough, they could see the outline of a rather healthy reminder that Naruto was a male hovering just beneath the waterline.

All of these distractions were ignored in favor of the one she had come to see. Sitting in the deepest and most secure corner, on a pile of old orange jumpsuits and fox printed underwear was a rather simple tanned felt doll with spun gold hair, blue button eyes, and six whisker stitches. A tiny headband adorned the head of the plush doll as it ruled from on top its throne of purloined clothing.

Setting the package containing the manuscript in front of the doll, she set up her offering of ramen. "Oh Naru-kun... what should I do?" Hinata pleaded with the plush doll passionately, "We used that forbidden Fourth-wall no Jutsu, and stole this manuscript of the chronicles of our life. Unlike most however, this is of what will be, as we stole it from the man that writes our story. The others want to look at it, and correct the story to serve our needs..."

Hinata paused and looked at the doll, as though listening to some divine voice that only she could hear. After a moment she blushed and looked down, fidgeting with her fingers. "No Naru-kun... I hadn't looked at it yet... but if I was to steal his love Sakura from him... he would be upset..." Hinata broke off, biting her lip as though being scolded, "Y...Yes Naru-sama... you're right... I could save him a lot of heartache..."

Hinata's hands twitched to snatch up the manuscript, before she cringed back from the doll. "NO! No Naru-sama, I wasn't going to be selfish... Naruto-kun's happiness comes first... Yes Naru-kun... I will..." Hinata murmured softly, before a heavy blush crept over her cheeks. "You... you wa...want me to carry you in my coat... but someone might hurt you..."

"T...True... if I put you there, they couldn't..." Hinata answered with a heavy blush. "Yes... after I read the manuscript, then I'll take you for a walk... Enjoy your ramen Naru-kun!" Hinata pranced out of the shrine to Naruto, with the manuscript in hand, never once noticing the ramen was already gone.


	43. Ninja Orphans

Dedicated to Spotty, here spotty! Come get the nice juicy story scene!

* * *

Sarutobi sighed as he inspected the report on the Uchiha massacre; it was disturbing how easily the once great clan of the Uchiha was wiped out in a single night. He knew that Itachi had good reasons to, but he had created quite the issue with only leaving Sasuke alive. The council was convinced that leaving him in the Uchiha clan housing was best for the boy, but Sarutobi knew that if he allowed that, the boy would only focus on his hatred and revenge, not on the future he had, nor the possibility of rebuilding his clan.

Frowning, Sarutobi set the report aside and shook his head, there wasn't anything he could do right now. Pulling his pipe out from the drawer he kept it, and his secret stash of Icha Icha, hidden in he didn't notice a manga page flutter out. Lighting the special leaf blend in the bowl of the pipe he took a few deep puffs, letting the smoke out in rings floating lazily through the air. One ring caught his attention as it didn't break up, but instead was caught on a light breeze and drifted languidly towards another stack of infamous paperwork to fill out. It was the Orphans Funds report, mostly telling that the allotted orphans had received their payments, and that those living on their own, mostly ninja or future ninja, had adequate and acceptable living quarters.

He'd have to add Sasuke to that list for the next month's dispersal and housing checks. Letting out a sigh he dreaded having to fill out all of that paperwork. But since he allowed the shinobi oriented orphans to live on their own, he couldn't rightly complain... much.

And then an idea struck him that had him wanting to beat his head over how stupid he was being. He could grant the shinobi orphans their independence, while still putting them into a controlled housing situation. Naruto was living alone in one apartment of an entire building full of apartments, currently vacant apartments. The people who had lived there moved because of their feelings towards the Kyuubi's Jinchuuriki. In fact, if he wasn't too much mistaken, he had the deed for that building because the old owner refused to do anything for the building so long as Naruto lived there.

He could get some gennin teams to patch up the place, an older chuunin to watch over the place, and then move a few of the more troublesome orphans in. He had a few key ones in mind. First would be Sasuke Uchiha, he'd probably like the apartment next to Naruto's since it would limit the access the fangirls to him.

Next would be Kakashi Hatake, who was once again on medical leave after a near mental and nervous breakdown on his latest ANBU mission. He would probably be in to quit ANBU within the next few days. The boy was way too tightly wound, especially at 21; he needed something to focus on instead of just drifting between missions. Maybe he could even work with the youngers on ninja training, and maybe even talk with Sasuke from a similar viewpoint.

Then there was Anko Mitarashi, who hadn't been the same sweet girl she was before Orochimaru betrayed her. Now she was more raw, savage, and in many ways like Naruto. He'd have to make sure those two had apartments as far from each other as possible. The headache those two would make was enough for him to want to retire again. Sighing he nodded, figuring that she'd attach to some of the youngers, train them, and be a somewhat better role model for the younger girls than a lot of the other kunoichi out there.

After her came her friend Iruka Umino, a young gennin who had been a lot like Naruto and Anko in his younger years, but was settling down and seemed to have the makings of a very excellent academy instructor. That boy Mizuki he hung out with seemed to be a very good stabilizing influence, but something about him troubled Sarutobi, and hopefully getting the two of them away from each other will keep Iruka stabilized while still lessening the influence Mizuki held on him. Iruka might be the anchor that held the group through rough weather, or he might be a lit explosive tag in a powder barrel, but he was still a good man, and who knows, maybe being around kids would help him become a better teacher.

Nodding at the list of older shinobi orphans to move in, he looked at the remaining list of academy grade students that had moved out on their own. Two names he was very familiar with, as he had to deal with more reports about them that was normal. First was poor Rock Lee, a boy whose chakra pathways were so poorly developed it was amazing that he was able to draw chakra at all. Instead, he seemed to be determined to pass on Taijutsu alone. It wasn't that he didn't try to keep accessing the chakra, but he focused heavily on Taijutsu over the other chakra dependant skills. Hopefully, Naruto might take a page from the boy's book and increase his already strenuous exercise routine. Lee could even help the poor boy with his rather underdeveloped taijutsu. Sasuke could also stand to spar with the boy a few times.

This brought up another person of interest, Tenten Lang, a young girl who seemed utterly devoted to weapons of all shapes and sizes. In fact, she seemed to put as much time in practicing with the various weapons she bought with her stipend as Rock Lee and Naruto Uzumaki did in their own training. However, she often spent more on weapons than she should, leaving her diet with much to be desired. She needed someone else to keep an eye on her, maybe invite her in for a meal now and then.

Writing up the summons for the various people, he sighed as he tried to remember where he'd put that deed, and which of the older chuunins would be a good fit as the den mother for that pack of misfits. When his mind picked the perfect one, he let out a deep chuckle. After all, not only was this one a chuunin that had primarily retired, but they used to head up the academy. Beyond all that, this chuunin had given Naruto more meals of ramen than even the Hokage could remember. Smiling he penned out a note to one Shi Ichiraku, hoping that the double named family wouldn't enact their more aggressive name meanings on him for what he was about to do.

The council would throw a fit, but as all involved were shinobi, and given the option to continue living alone (under the threat of missions worse than D-rank, he'd invent a damn E-rank mission just for this) they couldn't do anything about it, since as Hokage he had the final say in how to manage the ninjas in his command. Savoring the flavor of his smoke, he leaned back in his seat, awaiting the arrival of the chuunin that was helping him today. He felt that this would be the last time in a long time he'll be able to just relax like this.


	44. Favors

Sasuke was once again running from his fangirls, this was the worst possible day for him to have run out of rice. Valentine's Day, the day his fangirls got incredibly bold in their affections. It wouldn't be that bad if they would just approach him one at a time to give him gifts, instead they swarmed like a stampede of bulls. So Sasuke did what any boy his age would do, scream like a girl on helium and run away.

Turning down an alleyway, he gulped as he noticed it was a dead end. However, just as the mob was about to round the corner, he was lifted off the ground and pinned against the wall, a hand over his mouth. He was about to fight back when a shock of orange alerted him to who it was holding him, and more importantly, that he had just been saved.

Naruto looked at the mob of girls down below milling about, searching for Sasuke. He knew that they'd have to move before the girls thought about looking up, but he had to make sure Sasuke could be silent. Shifting in front of Sasuke's eyes, he put a finger to his mouth before moving up the metal ladder of the fire escape. Sasuke watched him going up with nary a whisper of sound, admitting that the blonde might have something that he didn't.

Getting to the rooftop he followed the class's dead last carefully, marveling at how sure he was on the wire, barely causing a swing in the line over another alleyway. Finally Naruto turned around over the marketplace and smirked. "You owe me Sasuke, remember that." And with that he was gone.

Ten years later, it was Naruto running from a swarm of fangirls. Really, he hadn't ever trained for something like this. All these women chasing after him, and he couldn't use any of his regular tricks to get away. They knew them.

Suddenly he was yanked into the ground, watching as a clone he didn't remember creating continued leading the girls away. After the mob had been led away, he pulled himself out of the ground and looked at his savior, finding himself staring blackly into a pair of fully activated Sharingan eyes.

He's about to say something, when Sasuke cuts him off. "There dobe, we're even."


	45. New Intros 3

Kakashi looked over his new genin squad curiously as they sat on the roof, soaking up the sunshine. To say they were not what he expected upon reading their files would be something of an understatement.

First was the minor fact that all three of them were sunbathing nude instead of paying attention to him. But he was fairly certain that wasn't the worst thing going on here. Clones of Naruto were bustling about acting as butlers and man servants. One was standing next to him holding out a bowl of salt-broiled saury and another with miso soup with eggplant pieces floating around inside. It would seem that Naruto did his research on him at least. Taking the two bowls from the clone with a nod of thanks, he watched it take up a spot behind him, even offering to set up a screen so he could eat in private.

"Maaa... I suppose we should start with introductions..." Kakashi started before a clone stood up with dossiers on every member of the group, including Kakashi himself.

"Sir, allow me to do this so that the original and others may rest."

Kakashi looked lazily over the dossiers, noting with alarm that his was far too detailed and uncensored for his liking. Nodding his head to the clone it began a speech. "As you know, I am Naruto Uzumaki. My likes include ramen, training, gardening, and ninjutsu. My dislikes are traitors, the three minutes it takes for ramen to cook, being inactive, and... troublesome tenants..." it added carefully while indicating where the seal on him was. After a wave to continue, the clone began again. "My hobbies are training, finding new uses for my clones, infiltration, stealth, and escape and evasion training, and gardening. My dream is to one day have a family and become the Hokage to protect everyone in the village."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow as the clone henged itself into a perfect replica of what the profile stated was Sasuke Uchiha's usual look. "My name is Sasuke Uchiha. I hate a lot of things, and I don't particularly like anything. What I have is not a dream, because I will make it a reality. I'm going to restore my clan, and kill a certain someone," the henged clone answered in an exact replica of the real one, getting a 'hn' of approval from Sasuke, and a soft squeal from Sakura.

Kakashi nodded and waved for the clone to continue. He wasn't disappointed when it turned into a perfect replica of Sakura. "My name is Sakura Haruno. The thing I like is... well the person I like is..." it started off, before looking back and letting out a giggle that was a cross between a school girl's and Kakashi's own perverted one. From the lack of protest, and the agreeing 'hn' from Sasuke, he could tell that it was being accurate so far. "And umm... my dream for the future... uhm...?" the henged clone continued before letting out a squeal and blushing heavily, "OH YEAH!!" Shortly after the squeal died and hearing returned to his ears, Kakashi barely caught the finish. "What I dislike is **Naruto**! My hobby is..." With that it broke off again and this time began staring perversely at Sasuke's exposed backside, creeping nearer with twitching fingers.

Mercifully the clone was dispelled with a shuriken to the forehead sent forth from the real Sakura. Instead of making any attempt at protesting, she merely dropped her arms and began moaning softly at the back massage she was getting from two Naruto clones. Kakashi wasn't quite sure, but for some reason, he just knew that this group would be a lingering headache.

"Right... as you in particular Naruto know, I am Kakashi Hatake..." Kakashi stated calmly, before tilting his head in thought.

His answer was silenced however when the surrounding Naruto clones spoke up for him. "And that's all you're going to find out from him."

Kakashi nodded as he set down the two empty bowls from the food. "Right... I'm going to talk with the Hokage, bye."

Kakashi decided that he needed to volunteer for a nice long mission deep in Iwa, wearing neon signs saying he was the student of the Yondaime Hokage Kakashi Hatake.


	46. New Intros 4

This is just more proof of my nerd cred. From a discussion with Gouken 2009 about nothing warped striking his mind... and somehow this came out... Yeah, I'm weird...

* * *

Kakashi looked over his new genin squad curiously as they sat on the roof, soaking up the sunshine. To say they were not what he expected upon reading their files would be something of an understatement.

Last he checked, Sasuke didn't wear a skin tight golden spandex shirt, with matte black pants and shoulder pads, though the Uchiha fan emble over his left chest was reassuring. The Haruno girl looked more professional in her rough hewn reddish brown robes, though he wasn't so certain about that foot long metal tube hanging at her hip, or that single braided rat-tail. However, it was Naruto's orange spandex shirt and odd white pants, but what stuck out were the white shoulder caps, and the golden star surrounded by his infamous spiral. All three had their forehead protectors over their necks, while Naruto fiddled with the brim of his wide brimmed white hat.

"Maa..." Kakashi began lazily while looking over the group before him. "Let us begin with introductions..."

"Excuse me master," Sakura began in a very controlled tone, "but we know each other from years at the academy. It might be best for you to give an example of what you are looking for from us..."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow as an urge to tell the truth was quickly squashed by years of experience. Instead, he gave them what he felt they needed to know. "My name is Hatake Kakashi... and that's all I feel like saying..."

In the absence of the expected protests, Kakashi sighed and indicated Sakura. "You're up pinkie..."

Sakura slowly stood up and bowed slightly to Kakashi. "My name is Padawan Haruno Sakura, I am eager to prove myself ready to be a Jedi knight, and I hope under your tutelage that I may live up to the expectations of the late Jedi Master Yoda, who trained me in the way of the force. I fear to say that I have a dark side presence called Kiyohime inside me... I am struggling to keep her in check, lest I join the ranks of the Sith. Further, I am well versed in the use of my lightsaber, in particular the Soresu form, though I lack combat experience. My dislikes are the dark side of the force, the Sith, and not honoring the vow I made to Master Yoda."

Kakashi wasn't certain, but he was pretty sure he'd have to beat the crazy out of her. Next he pointed to the brooding Uchiha, who stood up straight and tall, almost like he was cast out of iron instead of flesh. "Ensign Uchiha Sasuke, reporting sir. I am a first year ensign in Starfleet's security branch, assigned to this planet's defense forces. I dislike Romulans, Cardassians, my older brother Itachi, and any who threaten the peace of Starfleet. My goal is to kill my brother, rebuild the Uchiha clan and become a starship captain. I am well trained in the use of the phaser, and my clan's jutsu, lacking only combat experience."

Kakashi felt something cringe inside from the speech the boy just made, and sighed figuring he'd waited long enough to get the last one over with. Pointing to the blonde he was surprised when instead of shouting out his answer he merely took off his hat and remained sitting. "I'm Space Ranger Naruto Uzumaki. My likes are ramen, training, my cybersteed Kon, and shooting my service blaster. I dislike the Crown Empire, Slaverlords, psychocrystals, and The Queen of the Crown. My series 5 implant allows me to move at heightened speeds, grants me razor sharp claws, heals my body, and a few other things they didn't quite figure out before I was sent here. Unlike the other two, I have seen multiple instances of combat, but still do not feel ready to lead my own squad. Oh... and do not worry about my passenger, he cannot access me unless I am in series 5 too long."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow at his squad, not knowing if they were lost in a few different LARP things like Gai usually did, or were really batshit insane. Instead he decided it might be best to just wrap this up and get a move on. "Right... Tomorrow we'll have a test to ensure that you're ready to be gennin, see you at training grounds seven, at ten... oh and I suggest skipping breakfast, you'll only throw it up."

With that he disappeared, reappearing on another rooftop not far away to observe his students. Sasuke merely tapped his symbol, and said something like "One to beam up," if Kakashi's lip reading skills hadn't faded too much. An instant later he was gone in a shimmer of light.

Then Naruto stood up and let out a shrill whistle. A strange reddish orange metal horse landed on the rooftop, and the blinking of the lights where it's eyes were indicated that it was doing something, Sakura provided the answer when he read her lips to say "It talked?" Naruto slung himself up onto the saddle, and slipped an odd weapon Kakashi hadn't noticed from the small of his back into a holster on the saddle. Then he offered Sakura a hand, to which she sighed and nodded, letting herself be pulled up behind the blonde self-proclaimed Galaxy Ranger. The two of them rode off towards where Kakashi knew her house to be.

Waiting a few minutes more he rubbed his temples and decided to go talk with the Hokage. These three needed mental help, and he was a ninja, not a doctor damn it!

Kakashi paused and wondered why he had the sudden urge to call the Hokage Jim. Instead he decided to go see if he couldn't get the kids put away for psychiatric evaluation, and see about finding a nice quiet place to retire to... like Suna after punching Gaara in the face. That sounded nice right about now.


	47. Mental

Kakashi looked at his squad curiously, noting that they all seemed to be coming back from a trip to happy la-la land. Leaning forward he sighed and shook his head. "I'm Hatake Kakashi, Post-traumatic Stress Disorder... and you?"

Sakura groaned as she worked her jaw, probably trying to rid herself of cotton mouth. "Haruno Sakura, multiple-personalities, and anger management issues."

Sasuke was next, shaking his head as though to clear it, his eyes red in annoyance. "Uchiha Sasuke, pyromania, PSTD, repression, and apparently in desperate need of something called Prozac..."

The other two joined Kakashi looking at Naruto who seemed to be busy trying to chew through the strait-jacket he was in, matching the rest of the squad. Naruto paused in his chewing to look up and smile sheepishly, before answering. "Uzumaki Naruto, ADHD, multiple-personality, PSTD, homicidal tendencies, family issues, abandonment issues, and apparently in need of Ritalin and being kept drugged to my eyeballs."

Kakashi nodded with a heavy sigh before shaking his head. "Maaa... this is troublesome..."

"So... when do we escape Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto asked with teeth full of strait-jacket.

"Sometime tonight," Kakashi answered as he leaned back against the padded wall of their new cell, "And this is the last time we come in for monthly evaluations..."

The three gennin agreed with grunts as they settled in to wait. After all, this wasn't the first psych ward they had to escape, and most likely wouldn't be their last.


	48. No Net Ninjas

Reasons why ninja are not allowed on the Internet #1: Giving them new ideas is a bad idea...

Naruto smirked as he stood in front of his opponents. He could hear the thumping sound of Tenten's exoskeleton blowing holes in the enemy's line, and most likely the ground itself. Hinata would be with her, and that deafening explosion was confirmation of that. Returning his attention to the enemy in front of him, literally shaking like a leaf in the wind, he smiled kindly. "Surrender, and I won't embarrass you for eternity..."

The one handed seal he got from the majority of the enemy let him know exactly what they thought of that suggestion. Shrugging, he formed a single hand sign. "Suit yourself..." with an explosion of chakra smoke, he disappeared from view, returning a moment later. He smirked as the males opposite him started joking and pointing at his new 'female' form, until one noticed what was wrong with it, that's when he spoke up again. "Futanari no Jutsu..."

A swarm of shadow clones later and the enemy truly knew just how fucked they were... in more ways than one.

Reason #2: Two words – E-Bay Auctions

Tenten had spent the entire night watching the bidding war going on for this one of a kind fully functional claymore, used in some movie called Braveheart, but what got her was the sheer size and damage potential it had. Counting down the seconds, she clicked her final bid in at the last second, and was announced as the winner.

Somewhere across town, Neji pouted. He'd just been sniped on a gift for Tenten's birthday for the fifth time this month. Now what was he going to get her?

Reason #3: File Sharing

Tsunade wasn't sure how, but somehow that secret video tape of her and Shizune from their one night in Sakegakuri got leaked onto the Internet, and she's had to sign more autographs than ever before. As well as slam her fist into more than one pervert. She swore on that very day she'd never let Shizune tape them during their 'private special fun-fun alone time' again.

But at least Konoha was making a large, almost obscene profit from it.

Reason #4: Chatrooms

IceBunny: And then he made me human again... it was so nice... I really want to repay his kindness... He melted the ice around my heart, and now it beats only with love for him...

SnowQueen: He does that, doesn't he? I mean I was a royal bitch before him... and now look at me and my nation. We are thriving!

LeafBunny: He has the biggest heart in the world...

BigBadaBOOM!: Yeah... so why don't we let him help with the art project?

DangoPrincess: Because that brat would just use it to bring the traitor back... and in the end hurt his big, warm, soft, tender heart.

SnowQueen: Besides, this way we can make sure that his story has a happy ending... for all of us...

FoxKage has just logged in

IceBunny: FOXY! *glomps*

SnowQueen: Fox... *hugs*

LeafBunny: Hello F...Foxy-kun... *hugs*

BigBadaBOOM!: FOX! *hugs*

DangoPrincess: Hey brat *shoulder hugs* Come buy me dango

FoxKage: *is hug swarmed* Hey... sorry I haven't been on for the past week... was writing a book in honor of my godfather...

DangoPrincess: Oh? What's it about?

FoxKage: Well the main character in the book is sorta my namesake, but he goes on an amazing adventure, saving damsels left and right, and being a truly great guy... I kinda want to build on that story, when the women he saved all return to tell him their love for him... but I don't know if I can do it...

LeafBunny: I believe you can do it Foxy-Kun...

FoxKage: Thanks bunny! *hugs* You're the best!

LeafBunny: *blushes heavily*

LeafBunny has left the chat

FoxKage: What I do now?

BigBadaBOOM!: Let me go check on her, okay? I'm supposed to meet her for our manga.

FoxKage: Is that the 'art project' you two have been going on about?

BigBadaBOOM! has left the chat

IceBunny: I believe it is Fox...

SnowQueen: I fear I must leave... meeting...

IceBunny: I'll go with you...

FoxKage: Bye girls!

IceBunny has left the chat

SnowQueen has left the chat

FoxKage: Uh... oh...

DangoPrincess: *snickers* all mine now brat!

DemonPriestess has joined the chat

FoxKage: DP HIDE ME!!! *hides behind DemonPriestess* Dango's out for my blood again!

DangoPrincess: Hey! No fair hiding behind her!

FoxKage: So?

DemonPriestess: Hello Fox-sama, it is good to see you again. You should visit soon... I will send you money for travel papers.

FoxKage: Not right now sorry, have to finish this novel, but first ramen's calling!

DemonPriestess: Farewell.

FoxKage has left the chat

DangoPrincess: Bye! I'll get you yet!

DangoPrincess: DAMMIT!

DemonPriestess: Yet again... too slow Dango...

DangoPrincess: I'll get him yet... mark my words...

DemonPriestess: Sure... sure...

Reason #5: Fanart

Sasuke was browsing to a site that Sakura had been talking about with Ino earlier, saying that she really liked the artwork that was on there. He was mildly surprised to find his name on the list of artwork available, and clicked the link barely wondering what the NSFW meant. A minute later he was bent over the sink scrubbing his eyes with soap. "GAH! WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING WITH OROCHIMARU!!"


	49. New Intros 5

Kakashi looked over his new genin squad curiously as they sat on the roof, soaking up the sunshine. To say they were not what he expected upon reading their files would be something of an understatement.

First there was Sakura, while he approved of the change of outfit from the one in her file's photo, he couldn't say it was an ideal one. The long sleeved undershirt, and the black leggings were a nice touch, while the zipped up red and black vest looked more like a mini-skirt then an actual vest or jacket. The knee-high boots were an odd choice, and didn't look too durable, but he did appreciate the worn brown leather gloves, and the short pixie cut. The goggles were an odd accessory, as was that strange red motorized vehicle, and the guitar she was tapping in her free hand.

To the right of her was Sasuke Uchiha, who had also traded in his regular clothing for a new outfit, but this definitely wasn't appropriate for work. The white undershirt, vest, and gloves were too fancy to last, and the solid black suit coat and pants made him look more ready to dance than fight. The red lined cape just screamed headaches while running through forests, and the top hat he was wearing was a very stupid choice. The only thing he approved of was the white mask over his eyes, hiding his eyes, which would come in handy when it activated to make the enemy underestimate him.

Next came Naruto Uzumaki... and to be honest, he approved highly of the new outfit. Starting from the ground up were the hardened brown leather boots, into which were tucked puffed out pants of a material similar to what most Jounins wore for pants. Next came a wide brown leather belt that formed a harness thanks to two leather suspenders up and over his shoulders. The suspenders hugged a skin tight black knit shirt to his torso, showing off more muscles than most young ninjas could ever hope for, and on his left shoulder was a widened leather pad connected to a strange metal shoulder cover with three large metal bolts sticking out in a line on the crest. His hitai-ite was sown into his belt, along with studs of metal along the center of the whole thing. And the gloves were beautiful works of leather and metal, giving him speed and protection for his hands. That protection was upped by what looked to be a heavy metal bracer on his left forearm, again with those large bolts of metal, this time sticking out around the raised metal bands at each end. It might have chaffed him some, if it wasn't for the tight wrapped bandages Kakashi could see peeking out from underneath. The biggest and most noticeable change however came in the form of the gigantic blade Naruto had laid across his lap, disassembling it into smaller blades, which Kakashi approved of because of the need to use a variety of weapons for a variety of missions. Gekko Hayate would love it too. All in all, even with the blindingly bright blonde hair spiked up all over the place, and the sparkling innocent blue eyes, it made him look far more professional.

"Maa... let's start with introductions..." Kakashi droned, picking one of the kids at random.

"I'm Tuxedo Kamen," Sasuke stated calmly while flicking a rose at Kakashi and embedding it in the stone of the roof at the jounin's feet. "I live to protect the moon princess, and will defend her forever."

Kakshi tucked that little factoid into the back of his brain for later, while for some reason the name Usagi tickled the back of his mind, but he knew that the moon kingdom had no princesses currently. Next up was Sakura, who lifted the goggles from her eyes to look him in the eye.

"I'm Haruhara Sakura..." the pink haired girl stated with a grin that suggested she was mentally unhinged. "I like Naoto-kun, 'The Pirate King' Atomsk, and my Rickenbacker bass guitar model 4001. Behind me is my vespa. By the way... do you have a N.O. channel in your head?" she asked innocently while gripping the neck of her guitar.

Kakashi looked at the psychotic girl for a few minutes before answering. "No... I don't, you're up blondie..." Kakashi stated finally pointing to Naruto.

"I'm Strife Naruto, my nickname is 'The Malestrom'" the blonde stated calmly while snapping the last of his blades into place. "I like ramen, my master sword Hime gave me," he continued to pause and stroke the blade lovingly, "and my nee-chans. I hope to one day become Hokage."

Kakashi blinked at how calm Naruto was, and decided to put off asking him about his 'Hime' and 'nee-chans' later. For now he had to do his own introduction. "My name is Hatake Kakashi, you may call me Solid Snake though. We'll have training tomorrow, and if you survive, you will become full gennins..."

A minute later he was enjoying his student's bewildered look from inside a cardboard box. Oh yes, this would be fun.


	50. Mommy sensei

Naruto Story Idea: I want a mom... just not her!

Instead of Kakashi, Team 7 gets a unique kunoichi as their sensei. Can the two orphans and Sakura survive with the overbearing motherly, Maito Gahl? Let's find out, shall we? ^_^

The newly formed Team 7 sat in the classroom awaiting their new jounin instructor. Sasuke stared broodingly out the window, while Sakura swooned at his very presence and the fact that she d be on his team from now on, Naruto. Naruto was getting bored. He had just been about to pull a prank to pass the time, when the door burst open and a large woman charged in with a gleeful shout of YOSH! , if they hadn t been deafened by that, the vibrant green spandex suit that hugged her obviously muscular frame, and the glaring sunshine yellow that put Naruto s hair to shame of her vest would likely have blinded the poor wanna-be genins.

YOSH! the woman shouted again, drawing the young ninjas beck to reality, Hello my darling students! I am your new instructor, Maito Gahl! Now if you ll join me, we ll go up and have a picnic on the roof! I have brought ramen, tomatoes, and umeboshi! Let s go!

The mention of their favorite foods the three students decided to at least join her for the meal. After all, what was the worst that could happen? She was their instructor, right?

May Kami have mercy on their souls, for Fate sure doesn t look like she will.


	51. Bloopers no Jutsu

Bloopers no Jutsu

Episode 1: Sexy no Jutsu

Naruto growled angrily at his teacher, he'd show him. He'd show them all! "HENGE!" was all he shouted, before disappearing in a plume of smoke. When he returned, it was revealed him as a sexy, beautiful, simpering young woman, who was most of all naked. Iruka's response wasn't a surprise, as his twin jets of blood sent him flipping away, Naruko heard a scuffle going on behind herself.

Sakura and Ino seemed to be charging at her with oddly lust filled eyes and subtle trails of blood from their nose. Meanwhile Hinata was holding them back by the hair. "BACK OFF BITCHES HE'S MINE!" the normally quiet Hyuuga shouted out, as all the shaking about knocked a stack of papers off her desk, one of which looked like a manga page in progress.

"CUT!" the director shouted, as Naruto reverted back to normal. "Look ladies, we've been over this scene a dozen times already, can't you keep your hormones in check for a few minutes? Iruka can't take much more bloodloss..."

"Sorry..." Ino and Sakura intoned insincerely.

The director let out a sigh as he helped Iruka onto the medic cart. "Take ten while we get Iruka taken care of..."

Sasuke sat down on a chair, only to wind up flying through the air following a loud explosion. Naruto looked to where he had been sitting, to see a sizable crater in the stage. Somewhere in the distance he heard someone calling for the stage crew to repair the set.

"Is he dead yet?" Ino asked curiously, trying to see where Sasuke had gotten impaled into the wall face first.

Sakura pulled her head back into the room with a pout. "No... only passed out..."

Ino growled in annoyance and huffed, "Dammit!"

Sakura sighed heavily as she walked over to Ino, nearly in tears. "We have to still be his damn fangirls... want to go make out until he recovers?"

Ino didn't respond, save pulling her behind a row of desks, the only thing to come back out was their moans and giggles.

Everyone else who were standing around all sweat dropped in annoyance, and decided to go on break, for even the most diehard yuri fan was sick of watching those two. While the others all went to their dressing rooms, Hinata decided to take Naruto out for cinnamon buns and ramen.


	52. No Net Ninjas 2

**Reasons why ninja are not allowed on the Internet**

**Reason #6: Rick Roll**

Naruto looked at the woman before him, leaning in he sang softly, "We're no strangers to looooove..."

Pulling up her chin he smiled that warm foxy smile of his, still singing lovingly. "You know the rules and so do I..."

Spinning her around he still sang along with music that his had started to play in the background. "A full commitment's what I'm thinking of... You wouldn't get this from any other guy."

Pulling her in close, he smiled continued dancing with her as he sang. "I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling... Gotta make you understand..."

"Never gonna give you up!" the blonde cried as he lifted her up into the air.

"Never gonna let you down," Naruto sang boldly while dipping her down low to the ground.

"Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry," Naruto reached out and wiped her cheeks as though removing a tear. "Never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie, and hurt you..."

His song was cut off as the woman kissed him deeply, his clones all high five'd each other before disappearing in plumes of smoke. When the woman broke the kiss, she smiled at the blonde man. "You had me at love..."

"I love you too Anko," Naruto said tenderly as he kissed her again gently.

**Reason #7: Giving them ideas is a BAD thing...**

Tenten looked at her partner with a wide smile on her lips. They had spent several hours setting up this, and now it was time to see it all come to fruition. Her partner held up a camera and started filming. "Hello, and welcome to Konoha most insane stunts. Today we're going to use our friend Sasuke and prove that fire jutsu users are just as flammable as the rest of us..." Tenten began before looking up and off to the left, "Shit, hide Naruto, he's coming!"

The camera feed shook as they dove into the trees, and then focused on a slightly discolored patch of ground. Sasuke walked casually onto the discolored dirt, only to be sent into the air by a huge explosion. Tenten looked at the fuel she had used and giggled nervously while the camera focused on her, "Uhh... well it looks like we'll have to wait a while until Sasuke comes back down... and I need to check how much of this stuff I put out..."

Tenten rushed off to the right, only for the camera to jerk as Naruto was presumably yanked away. The camera landed on the ground. As the sound of two ninjas running away faded from the camera, a smoking and charred Sasuke fell out of the air, landing in the crater where he had been standing. Crawling away down the road, he moaned out a call for a medic.

The Hokage paused the video and turned to Tenten and Naruto who were trying to look anywhere but at her. "Now... I'm going to ask that you explain this..." Tsunade stated calmly, "And do keep in mind that Sasuke is now in the hospital with third degrees burns over ninety percent of his body..."

Unsurprisingly, it was Naruto that spoke up first. "It seemed like a good idea at the time Baa-chan..."

Tenten just slammed her face into her palm with a groan.

**Reason #8: Fanfiction**

Sakura smirked as she continued typing away at her latest epic masterpiece. It was beautiful, loving, touching, and endearing. But most of all, it was yaoi!

Hearing a knock on her door, she minimized and peeked out, wincing slightly at the bright sunlight stinging her eyes, reminding her that she hadn't slept in over forty-eight hours. Blinking she focused on the purple blur directly in front of her. She held out her hand to accept whatever it was that Ino was offering her, feeling the familiar warmth of a cup of tea. Taking a sip she indicated for Ino to come in.

"Working on that Kakashi-Iruka fanfic of yours again?" Ino asked casually as she walked over to the still powered up computer.

"Yeah..." Sakura answered blearily, "Why are you here again?"

"You forgot..." Ino answered turning to face her with a pout. "It's our anniversary..."

Sakura's eyes nearly bugged out of her skull before she zipped off to her room to change. "Be right back!"

Ino chuckled softly to herself, before pulling up the fanfic that Sakura was working on. Hey, her girlfriend might be a bit spacey at times, but her writing was HOT!

**Reason #9: Bad Advice**

Sai wasn't certain, but he was fairly sure that he wasn't meant to be embedded in the ground after complimenting a friend. It would appear that those helpful suggestions from that 4-chan place had been wrong.

Maybe suggesting that he could see himself in Sakura's pants, with the new moniker of bitch wasn't the right way to get along with her.

**Reason #10: Mapquest**

Kakashi looked at the directions, and then at the surrounding area curiously. Turning to his squad he chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his head. "Maa... sorry about that kids... but we seem to be lost on the road of life again..."

"I told you not to let him use Mapquest Sasuke..." Naruto groaned while Sakura just pulled out her GPS locator and began mapping out their way back to where they should be. Sasuke glared at Kakashi mutely for a moment before storming away after the pink haired girl.


	53. New Intros 6

Kakashi looked over his new genin squad curiously as they sat on the roof, soaking up the sunshine. To say they were not what he expected upon reading their files would be something of an understatement.

To start, they were supposed to fawn over the pure awesomness that is his mere presence, he was _**THE **_Hatake Kakashi, their teacher, and most importantly pretty damn sexy. That much perfection should be admired by the brats, not completely ignored.

No, instead Naruto Uzumaki was reading some book called Lord of the Rings, with two clones playing some card game behind him. That particularly stung that the brat hadn't even spared one clone to pay attention to him. Not to mention that the kid had obviously no taste in literature. Oh, but it got worse as he went on down the line.

Next came Sakura Haruno was gabbing on something that looked like a phone to someone named Mabel. She was also painting Sasuke's fingernails some shade of blue that the boy had provided. He felt a twitch building as they continued painting his finger nails. Boys weren't supposed to wear nail polish, right? At least he was fairly certain that they weren't, especially not with tiny pink hearts and flowers getting stuck on the nails in an alternating pattern.

And Sasuke... Oh by all that was holy, Sasuke... The boy had several mirrors set up surrounding him, primping his hair with the hand that wasn't being painted. He had also started playing music from some group called Backdoor Boys or something... Kakashi hadn't really been listening after the first minute of his rant about how they were the best band ever, or some rot.

But the part that was the biggest insult of all, was that they had all come up here, took one look at him, and then proceeded to ignore him completely, shushing him at every attempt to start the introductions like he had planned.

Looking at the setting sun, he guessed they'd been ignoring him for about six hours now. Hell, Naruto had even used a squad of clones to bring the three of them lunch an hour ago; completely ignoring the fact that Kakashi was even there. Oh they were going to pay, he was going to wake them up at two in the morning, and then force them to train until they fell over dead. If any of them quit before he was vindicated, then they would all fail.

Continuing his plans for vengeance, he left them instructions on where to meet up tomorrow. Naruto barely glanced up from his book long enough to pull the paper out of Kakashi's hands and return to his novel. Kakashi planned to give him an extra set of weights for that.

Oh yes, they would pay... or he would go to the Hokage and kiss him full on the lips, in front of the entire village, and then forever swear off masks.


	54. DMKAge

DM: Alright guys... all of you are sitting in a classroom, diligently paying attention to the teacher, except for... *rolls dice* Naruto, you're out of the class, what are you doing?

Hinata: Date with me.

Naruto: *holds up a bag of cinnamon rolls* Got dessert right here.

DM: *sighs* Hinata, you're not with him, you're in class. Stay in character you two...

Naruto and Hinata: *halfway through a roll each* Aww...

DM: Now, Naruto, you are outside of the class the others are in, what are you doing?

Naruto: Bathroom break.

DM: You couldn't have gone five minutes ago before we started?

Naruto: No, that's where I am... Believe it!

DM: . . . Fine... you're pissing off the top of the Hokage monument... and two Chuunins catch you.

Naruto: I run off... No-one's ever caught me!

DM: We just started this campaign, and you're running away from two mid-level Chuunins before even making it to level one? Fine, roll it... *rolls his dice and gets some nice rolls*

Tenten: In Konoha, Mid-level Chuunin means 'Slightly better crap than the low-level chuunin.'

Naruto: *rolls his own dice, and gets some very nice rolls*

DM: You manage to stay just ahead of the chuunins, but have not lost them yet.

Naruto: How normal.

DM: You want to go back to class to try and lose them?

Naruto: Well, I have Hinata and Tenten to meet...

DM: You don't know Tenten yet, and are only an acquantince of Hinata's

Tenten/Hinata: Aww... *Both of them snuggling fox plushies with toy ramen bowls*

Naruto: Give me five minutes and a bakery for Hinata.

DM: After the game you guys can go out to eat... let's just get this part over with, kay?

Hinata: *hands Naruto a piece of paper* Best bakery in Konohagakure that isn't fox-unfriendly.

DM: . . . Hinata that's your address...

Sasuke: Since when did you own a bakery?

Hinata: It's a home away from Neji. I have my art studio there.

DM: How did you manage to roll rookie of the year again Sasuke?

Hinata: *looks at his dice* His dice are weighted...

DM: I checked that already, he used mine for that roll.

Anko: His character sheet is doctored.

DM: All of your sheets are...

Anko: His values are way too high, and have changed fourteen times in fourteen games.

DM: Says the woman that has snakes shooting out her sleeves...

Sasuke: [Adjusting his power stat after sneaking a look at Naruto's sheet] How true.

DM: *smacks Sasuke upside the head* Stop that

Sasuke: But he's more powerful than me!

DM: We talked about this, he's had a pisspoor life growing up, after his father stuffed a demon in his belly.

Sasuke: Who's the strongest fighter in Konoha?

Tenten: Maito Gai.

DM: The Hokage

Sasuke: It's not me... I'm meant to be the best...

DM: You're still a newbie ninja... you can train to be stronger...

Ino: Sasuke, Train?!?

DM: Yes... you know... level up your character...

Sakura: According to most Sharingan users, you earn EXP by staring at everyone else doing the work.

Sasuke: LIES!

DM: Do I have to bring in the snake loving pedophile that Anko so lovingly made for you?

Hinata: I didn't know Micheal Jackson had a... Oh wait, he's chimps.

DM: That's it... guess what, it's time for a test! All under level ones. Roll for henge.

[Everyone rolls their dice]

Hinata: I have a spare cinnamon roll.

DM: Everyone but Sasuke and Naruto pass... Sasuke *rolls* You turn into a pasty version of the target Iruka. Naruto... *rolls again* you... *looks at the chart* Turn into a hot, naked busom blonde girl...

[Hinata, Ino, Sakura and Tenten all look very interested]

DM: *coughs* Why the hell did I put that on there? Oh yeah... was drunk... Iruka... please roll for reaction.

Iruka: Boobies... *drools*

DM: Right... he shoots away in a spray of nasel blood... anyone else want a roll?

Hinata: *hands out cinnamon rolls*

DM: . . . not that type of roll... who else wants a personalize reaction?

*Sakura, Ino, Hinata and Tenten put their hands up*

DM: Fine, please roll for the reaction

*They roll, and get 'perverted' as the reaction, avoiding 'Akane Tendo' completely*

Naruto: Did you make these rolls yourself, Hinata? *She nods woodenly, before almost passing out*

DM: *looks at the chart* Sakura, Ino, you two are about to charge in and forcefully make out with the now still female Naruto... Hinata, you're holding them back.

*All three of them roll, Hinata with help from Tenten*

DM: What are you rolling for?

Tenten: They're rolling for if Hinata manages to hold them back.

DM: I said they get held back, and we're moving on.

*Tenten then hands the DM a piece of paper, and makes a roll, giving a unhappy look at the roll*

DM: No Tenten, you don't magically appear out of nowhere... and for that bad of a roll, you are teamed with Gai and Lee

Tenten: *whispers* That's the magnitude of the explosion in the bomb under Sasuke's seat.

DM: I know... I rolled for mine earlier... *louder* Okay kiddoes, SPOT CHECK!

Kiba: *holds up a Dalmatian*

Hinata: 190.

DM: . . . just roll your *censored* twenty-sided dies already

[They do so, Sasuke being given normal dice]

DM: Everyone but Sasuke you notice a huge ass pile of explosive tags under Sasuke's seat... Sasuke you notice a spot on the ceiling.

Iruka: GET DOWN!

DM: *watches as several people start dancing*

Iruka: DUCK AND COVER!

Naruto: *holds up Iruka's rubber ducky, and Kakashi's security blanket*

Iruka: BOMB!

Hinata: *Holds up a manga marked 'Sasuke!' covered in explosive tags*

Tenten: *holds up the movie Blank Check*

Iruka: SASUKE'S GOING TO BLOW.. UP!

Naruto: There's a guy named Up in this game?

Sasuke: Dobe, I think he means... Shit! There's a bomb on my chair!

DM: *passes out popcorn* Good job Sasuke... *rolls for damage* You take 30 points of damage... [leaves him at -9]

[The girls, and Naruto, give the gesture for 'Natch']

DM: Call a stablization roll, and roll it

Sasuke: 10 [rolls it]

DM: . . . *sighs* He makes it... moving on...

Tenten: That was a waste of good explosive tags... He survived.

Haku: I hope he fails the later roll.

DM: *shrugs* He'll die in the next battle... and any more, I'd have to give splash damage...

Naruto: Hope you survive yours.

DM: *whistles* Oi, no out of game knowledge you two...

Naruto: Aww...

Haku: [goes back to doing the ice for the drinks]

Sasuke: When I recover, I'll find out who set that bomb!

DM: *grumbles as he rolls his dice several times* Alright folks... it's time for your gennin tests

[For a change, no jokes]

DM: Everyone but Naruto... you pass... Naruto, after school you are approached by Mizuki-sensei about an extra credit exam to steal a top secret scroll from the Hokage, and learn a jutsu off it in order to become gennin

Naruto: I'll approach the Hokage to double-check about the exam.

DM: The Hokage knows nothing about this exam, but you feel he might be hiding something. As though the test itself is a secret.

Naruto: I let him know what I'm doing, and where Mizuki will be meeting me. Wouldn't want ANBU after me for doing a exam.

DM: The Hokage nods and gives you the scroll, saying he'd be sending out ninjas to keep up appearances.

Naruto: OK, I go to the meeting point and attempt to use the scroll.

DM: The first jutsu on the scroll is Kage Bunshin no Jutsu... a better version of your worst academy skill

Naruto: I'll roll for learning it. [Rolls]

DM: *jawdrops at a natural 20* You little bugger...

Hinata and Tenten *make a hug-and-kiss sandwich out of Naruto*

Sasuke: How do you manage that?

Sakura: He has something called luck... look into it

Sasuke: I meant having girls that will be that committed to him.

Sakura: A personality helps...

Haku: A personality, A good heart, Aspirations to help people beyond normal capabilities, A very diplomatic way of looking at things... He looks cute...

Sasuke: Let's... Just... Continue...

DM: Okay... Naruto, Iruka finds you before you can study the next jutsu

Naruto: Hi, Iruka!

Iruka: Did you steal the scroll Naruto?

Naruto: Nope. I asked the Hokage for it!

Iruka: . . . Miyuki's about to backstab me again, isn't he?

[A few of the other players keep their mouths shut]

DM: Yeah... he is.

Iruka: [Rolls for the expected damage]

DM: Take three points of damage

Sakura: And see a medic in the morning.

DM: Naruto, what do you do?

Naruto: See how many bushins I can create, and deal with Mizuki... Believe it!

DM: Stop saying believe it and I'll give you an awesome jutsu

Hinata: And all your himes will give you a kiss.

Naruto: You win.

DM: Congrats Naruto... you get to learn the rasengan from Jiraiya next time he's in town

Naruto: Wonderful... *sarcastically*

DM: But before that, you invent harem no jutsu... and learn tornado no jutsu

Naruto: I know harem no jutsu... *Makes a few handsigns, and Shion appears in his lap*

DM: I mean in character...

Sasuke: And harem no jutsu is not 'summon a girl from a different country'.

DM: The other girls are already here...

Shion: I think he means 'summon a girl to your lap from any distance'.

Naruto: Darn... What's that jutsu then?

DM: Harem jutsu turns you into as many copies of any naked females your character can think of

*Ino, Sakura, Tenten, Haku and Hinata look very interested*

Naruto: What's the jutsu name for 'summon a girl to your lap'?

DM: Naruto no Jutsu

Ino; Sasuke no Jutsu is 'Betray people with no repercussions'.

DM: Can I dish out the XP or do we keep bashing Sasuke?

Sasuke: XP

Shion: Bashing Sasgay!

DM: Naruto, you get 3000 xp for beating a chuunin ten times your difficulty rating... Iruka, you get 1000 cause he's only three times your level...

Haku then walks past and drops some ice cubes down Sasuke's back as she starts the queue giving Naruto a kiss for no longer saying 'Believe It!'

DM: Oh and Naruto, you've now made it to Gennin level 2... congrats

Sasuke: *screams out* Hey! Not funny!

DM: You didn't get into combat yet

Sasuke: I meant the ice cubes down my back!

DM: What ice cubes?

Haku: *whistles innocently*

DM: Right, good game everyone, next week I'll pass out your teams

Sasuke: *getting up, furious* I am so going to love making your life hell, Uzumaki... And your little himes too...

DM: Sasuke... I'd like to talk with you about the cheating you're trying to pull with this game... *pulls out a mouse and a spoon*

Naruto and Hinata head to her bakery, while Ino and Sakura head to their apartment, and the others toss up over filming Sasuke getting educated or going home.


	55. IruKa

This is dedicated to Alyondria, who called me out on only giving the lesbians a happy ending. Hope this makes you happy! The other part is coming soon.

* * *

Iruka looked at what had once been his kitchen, and reminded himself that yes he really did love his boyfriend to have put up with him for this, yet again. My gods in heaven and hell the man was a jounin for crying out loud, how could he live that long and not know how to cook? There was batter for what he assumed was a cake on the ceiling, and every inch of the walls seemed to be coated in a light blue frosting. And yet there was no sign of his boyfriend.

Finally he found him, completely plastered to the ground by more of the batter, and sprinkles, an ungodly, sinful amount of sprinkles. He'd almost assume that there were more sprinkles than batter, save for open spaces of nothing but batter. Chuckling he looked down at his hopeless love's exposed eye tenderly. "You're taking me out to dinner and then cleaning this up... right?"

"Right..." Kakashi groaned from under the layer of batter, "Help me up please?"

"You're a big boy... you can get out yourself..." Iruka replied teasingly, before whistling for their pets to come and lick Kakashi free. Who knew Iruka's cats and Kakashi's dogs could get along so well?


	56. No Net Ninjas 3

**Reason #11: Spam E-Mails**

Kakashi yawned as he opened his e-mail account, taking a sip of coffee while waiting for the e-mail to load. He didn't mind the wait, it allowed him to wake up a little more after all. He blinked as he found out that he had over three hundred messages waiting for him. And then he saw exactly the reason. One name escaped his lips when he saw that each and every one of the messages were about the power of youth. "GAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIII!!!!!"

**Reason #12: Chain Letters**

Sasuke looked over his mail with a bored countenance; it didn't surprise him that the mail nins could catch him even on the lam like this. After all, only the best hunter nins became mail nins. Only one missive caught his attention. Reading it, he smiled broadly as he began writing a reply, and getting the money ready. For the power to finally destroy all his enemies, he'd gladly send any amount of ryuu this Steven Unwin Chris Kerr asked for, so the 1000 that he stuffed into the envelope seemed like petty cash.

A few months later, Naruto laid the list of addresses of various villainous elements, and Sasuke on Tsunade's desk with a huge grin. "See Baa-chan, I told you I'd get all their addresses, so now you just send some ANBU to take care of them, right? Oh, and I paid off your debts."

"How?" Tsunade asked stunned as she held up the list, more that her debts were paid off at the same time.

"Simple, I used the SUCKerr program, and it worked beautifully!" Naruto bragged proudly.

"Where'd you find this program?" Tsunade asked her eyes gleaming brightly.

Naruto chuckled playfully as he tucked his net enabled palmtop computer back into his kunai holster a little further. "I can't really say Baa-chan..."

**Reason #13: Giving them ideas is a REALLY BAD idea**

Tenten licked her lips as she set up the latest contraption she'd read about online. She and Naruto had finally gotten off their month long ban from the Internet, and now they were back at it. "Alright Naruto, we've moved out to the abandoned training area, well away from everyone that could possibly be hurt, right?"

"Right, and we've got signed verification by Tsunade to test improvised munitions..." Naruto answered, waving the paper in front of the camera.

Tenten smiled slightly maniacally before letting a glee filled giggle, which would have been a lot less disturbing if she was holding what basically amounted to about a hundred explosive tags in her arms like a little baby. Setting it down, she and Naruto got to the Minimum Safe Distance and released the explosives force. It blew up beautifully, sending tons of dirt and rocks into the sky.

Meanwhile, across the village, Sasuke walked out of the hospital hale and hearty once again. It was amazing what medical jutsu could do. In fact he felt like whistling, he could even hear it now. Wait... that wasn't him. Looking around, he finally found the whistling noise, and let out only one word that was censored by the impact of a rock into his face.

Half an hour later, someone dragged him into the hospital to get healed again.

**Reason #14: Three words: Online Anarchist Cookbook**

Tenten licked her lips as she looked over the site she had just stumbled upon. It was beautiful, it was destructive, and most importantly it was a site dedicated to making fun fun boom booms out of things laying about the house. She just had to show Naruto this next time he came over.

In his bed, Sasuke let out a whimper of fear, waking nightmares of explosions haunting his mind.

**Reason #15: Online Gambling**

Tsunade giggled as she logged in. With Naruto having paid off all her debts, Shizune finally allowed her to log into the gambling website. She felt lucky tonight.

Three hours later, Shizune dragged the weeping Tsunade away, who had somehow managed to triple the debt Naruto had just paid off in the matter of those three hours. Whoever was KitsuneKage, she feared for his health should Tsunade get her hands on them.


	57. New Intros 7

As requested by Alyondria, not sure if I got everything right, but I hope you enjoy it. ^.^

* * *

Kakashi looked over his new genin squad curiously as they sat on the roof, soaking up the sunshine. To say they were not what he expected upon reading their files would be something of an understatement.

Instead of the kill-me orange he was known for, Naruto was wearing a more reddish-orange sleeveless uniform with his trademark spiral over his left chest, and a blue undershirt, that Kakashi could tell was weighted just by looking at it. On his wrists were two more weighted pieces of the same dark blue material, and his boots seemed to be made of the same material, with a yellow stripe running up the center of the front, and around the outer seam of the sole, the entire ensemble was tied with what looked to be a braided cut-off of his uniform.

Sasuke was another shock, as he had on what looked to be a white and yellow breast plate, some sort of light blue spandex bodysuit, and loose white boots. And for some reason he decided to change his hair from the duck-butt style of his picture in the file, to a more upright spiked mess. He also seemed to be glaring at Naruto constantly.

And Sakura... Kakashi just watched as Sakura stared uneasily at the two boys. She was almost identical to the picture in her file. He'd have to train her up some.

"How about some introductions?" Kakashi asked cheerfully, nearly ruining the tense atmosphere. However, the two boys seemed to only double their glaring after that.

"Excuse me sensei..." Sakura spoke up nervously, "Why don't you start? After all we know nothing about you..."

"Maa... I'm Hatake Kakashi..." the silver haired jounin started, before pausing as though in thought. "I have no desire to tell you my likes and dislikes... Dreams for the future... Hmm..." again he paused as though thinking before continuing, as though he just answered. "And I have lots of hobbies..."

Pointing to Sakura he chose her arbitrarily to continue. "You're up pinkette."

"My name is Haruno Sakura. The thing I like is... well the person I like is..." Sakura began before ducking from a wave of energy, "YIPE! I really think I'm on the wrong team sensei, let's go to the hokage to figure that out, huh?"

Kakashi smiled his trademark and annoying eye-smile at her, waving her to stay put. "No, no, you're fine... You're the right one for this group. Will the black haired porcupine go next?"

"I am Uchiha Sasuke," the last Uchiha ground out through gritted teeth without breaking his glare at Naruto. "I am the last descendent of the great Vegeta, and I plan to use the Dragon Balls to get the power to kill my brother and rebuild my clan."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow at the plan Sasuke had just laid out. Last he checked it took training and hard work to get power, and nothing could bring back the dead, least of all the fictitious reproductive organs of an equally fictitious reptilian being.

Naruto decided to not even wait for Kakashi to pick him, instead introducing himself with a smirk to Sasuke. "I am Son Naruto," Naruto began, catching Kakashi's attention instantly, that last name struck him as familiar, as it was the last name of one of his sensei's great times something ancestor, "and it's recently been revealed to me that I have been using Super Saiyan level all my life, and lacked the control to properly use it. I've gotten some scrolls to help train with, as well as one of the dragon balls, which I intend to keep hidden away until a wish I deem worthy comes along."

Kakashi was pretty sure that the two male students of his were completely nuts. But he figured they'd just fail to pass the test and he'd be rid of them. "Alright, meet me at Training Grounds 7 at Ten tomorrow and we'll go through your final initiation right into gennin level... oh and I'd suggest not eating breakfast, you'll only throw it up."

With that he vanished, and made his way to the Hokage. If what he was sensing off the two was accurate, their power levels were over nine-thousand, but that was impossible. But if his suspicions were correct, he was going to fail them any way possible tomorrow and then sign up for a nice leisurely mission somewhere safer... like the heart of a volcano. Yeah, that sounded nice, just dive right on into that mission. Maybe he'd see if Sakura wanted to join him. It'd be fun.


	58. Alternative Summons

**Alternative Summons**

_**Summons 1: Kakashi**_

Kakashi looked at the enemy before him. This was the absolute worst mission possible to have been assigned, and it looked like he only had one option left to do.

"Kuchiyose no Jutsu!" was all the enemy heard before Kakashi was replaced by a three story tall red dog.

There was momentary lull in noise as the big red dog, and the enemy stared at each other blankly. Then the dog laid down carefully on its stomach and licked the leader of the hellions.

That broke the silence and a cry of "PUPPY!" was heard from every corner of the Elemental Nations. Kakashi merely sighed from his spot in the tree, he wished that his boyfriend Iruka would hurry up and come back from vacation already.

_**Summons 2: Kakashi**_

Kakashi looked blankly at the enemy before sighing; this would be his last move. So he had to make it count. Forming the biting his thumb and forming the hand seals, he shouted out "Kuchiyose no Jutsu!""and slammed his hand in the ground. A puff of smoke later, and Kakashi was replaced by a ten foot tall snarling, three headed black dog.

Kakashi appeared on its neck, patting it lovingly. "Fluffy... sic 'em."

The slaughter that day was epic.

_**Summons 3: Sakura**_

Sakura looked around nervously as she always did when she was about to summon... him...

It wasn't so much that she was ashamed to be a summoner, but more of the fact that she wasn't entirely sure what he was, and it was embarrassing. Apparently he was the only... creature... from that summoning contract, and now she was stuck with him; she normally only summoned him when she absolutely had to, and now was one of those times.

"Kuychiyose no Jutsu," she softly whispered before pouring chakra into the pooling blood on her thumb. A puff of smoke later and he was there in front of her, all three inches of him. "Hey Kero, I've got more of those cards..."

"That's great Sakura, let's grab some cake and I'll show you how to use them in battle," Kero answered, nodding his small yellow head and fluttering his tiny little wings.

Sighing she knew she had to give in. "Fine... but only one slice for you..."

_**Summon #4: Tsunade**_

Tsunade chuckled nervously at the group of debtors that arrived to collect on what she owed. She only had one way to get out of this now. Biting her thumb, she summoned up chakra and poured it into the summons. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu!" she cried out loudly, only to end up shocked when a huge snail appeared out of nowhere, crushing the debt collectors.

_**Summons #5: Iruka**_

Iruka smirked as he looked out at the placid sea before him. This would do very nicely. Biting his thumb, he performed the necessary hand seals and pressed his hand down on the surface of the river. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu!"

Smiling he watched as his good friend Flipper appeared and began swimming around. Looking around carefully, he smiled seeing no one around and stripped down to his boxers, diving in to play with Flipper.

Never once did he suspect that he was being watched, much less that the person was recording him. "Having this will ensure that Kakashi-sensei trains me for sure..." Naruto muttered softly as he continued filming.


	59. Joke's on You

This spawned from a weird conversation with my friend Gouken 2009... again... I like how it turned out, how about you? Also, if there's any particular Intros or ideas you'd like to see me do, just PM me, and I'll see what I can pull off.

* * *

Naruto grumbled as he stormed back into his apartment. It had been a horrid day at the academy. He wanted to make them pay; make them all pay... especially that Sasuke. Slamming himself into his couch, he growled lowly, only to let out a panicked shout as he and the the worn, second hand couch both went spilling backwards.

Pulling himself out from under the upturned couch, he rubbed his head in pain, only to stop when he saw something sticking out. It was an ancient looking manga caught in the springs of the couch. There was only one thing visible that he could see, a crazy looking white faced man with a huge red smile and green hair, he was wearing a purple suit with an orange shirt, and a green bow tie. With him was a woman in a red and black spandex uniform, and white face, with red lips, and a black eye mask. They were laughing at a man in black after apparently throwing a pie into his face. It looked like fun... maybe he could do that...

Three months later, a new terror had stricken Konoha. Most of his pranks had been harmless at first, but each passing week was more outlandish and insane than the last. The ANBU had spent the better part of one morning, trying to unglue themselves from the ceiling, the Inuzuka clan had a horde of cats released into their kennels one evening, leaving them busy with a night of chasing animals, but worst of all was Sasuke Uchiha, he had been left tied up completely naked in front of his biggest fangirl's house with a note from himself saying he was her birthday gift.

The Akamichi girl had to be bribed with free desserts for a month to release the poor survivor.

No one was questioning why she held out for a month, but everyone was questioning who this strange white faced menace was with his purple pants suit, and his green vest, neon blue shirt, and green bow tie. But worst of all was the cackling laugh that filled the air whenever his pranks went off. Even the ANBU were unable to do anything to catch or stop this mad prankster. Their usual suspect Naruto Uzumaki was often seen elsewhere during the pranks, so they were at a loss.

Focusing on Naruto Uzumaki for the moment, let's see what he is up to. He seems to be diligently reading his basic ninjutsu scrolls in class, which he hadn't skipped in the past month. But as he was sitting in the back of the class, no one could look at it and see that it had a manga scroll wrapped around the scroll. The title of the manga would have caused some worry if anyone had seen it, after all one didn't want Naruto reading 'How to Be the Prankster King' by R. U. Joe King. But no one saw it, and so no one would know what he was doing.

He didn't know it, but today wasn't going to be like the rest of them. Tonight his prank was going to change a lot in Konoha.

Now there was one person in all of Konoha who suspected Naruto being the Joker, the newly crowned prankster king of Konoha, but no one believed her. She had been performing observational reconnaissance training by stal... err following Naruto throughout his day more than once. At first she was utterly appalled by the way the villagers treated him, but then she saw that spark in his eye. One particular villager had hit Naruto with rotten tomatoes, and the very next day he woke up to find his entire bedroom filled with whipped cream and laughing gas. Nothing lethal, but just enough to leave him giggling like an idiot while trying to call for help.

Now she sat as near as she dared to the blonde, knowing that her courage wouldn't be enough to be nearer to him. Maybe if she had a mask... she could approach the Joker... help him out...

That would work, but she needed something to show she supported him, and didn't want to stop him. Maybe looking up something in the library would help. After all, there were rumors that the Joker had been based on a fictional character; maybe there were more that she could choose from?

Down near the very front of the class sat the brooding Uchiha glaring into the blackboard with steely determination. He was cursing Naruto for moving to the back of the room, and keeping out of trouble enough to not get moved back to the front. Now nothing stopped his idiotic fangirls from clinging on him during break. His eye began twitching as the two most annoying ones argued about sitting next to him. Ino and Sakura were enough to drive him batty, if that title hadn't been dedicated to the new menace of Konoha... The Joker.

That laughing nutcase had seemed to take a perverse pleasure in singling him out as a target. Oh he would make him pay, and then have his vengeance on his brother Itachi. Yes, the vile beast named the Joker had pissed him off enough to be bumped up the list to over the person that had slaughtered his entire family and then mind rape him into seeing it over and over again. There had to be something he could do to get his vengeance on the bastard... but how? He couldn't go as himself, not without legions of fangirls flocking after him.

He needed a secret identity to fit the masked terror that was driving him absolutely batty. Bat... that could work... Batman seemed like a fitting name to use. Yes that would work... black and grays for the bodysuit, midnight blue lined black cape, midnight blue gloves and boots... and a black symbol on a yellow field to strike terror in that asshole's heart, right before he shoved a kunai into it.

Smirking he savored the feeling of creating a tool for victory in his quest for vengeance, completely ignoring the squeals and fainting spells of most of the female population of the class. Vengeance would be his, and nothing could stand in his way.

Later that night, the Joker was on the prowl. He had just set up a delayed paint bomb in the ANBU headquarters, and now he was looking for his favorite punching bag Sasuke Uchiha to do something horrid to... Maybe run him up the flagpole by his underwear or something. He'd decide when he caught him.

Laughing his trademark maniacal laugh, he felt a presence above him. Looking up he saw what looked like a giant bat falling down at him, where his eyes were, there was only two little white slits. "I dare say it's a Man-bat..." the Joker quipped dryly, watching as said caped crusader missed him by a foot and crashed into some garbage cans.

The Joker merely turned around and started inspecting his adversary carefully, it wasn't quite as good as what was shown in the guide produced by King-san, but it was definitely him. The Batman. "Oh poo... you're here to ruin all my fun... Very well, I'll ask... who are you?"

"Me?" the cowl cloaked person asked raising to his full height and striking what would have been to any sane person, a fear inspiring pose, "I AM BATMAN!"

Sadly the Joker was not sane by any stretch of the imagination. Instead of fear, he showed a distinct amount of boredom at the display. "Are you through?"

Batman was about to reply, when he was cut off forcefully by a spring loaded punching glove springing out into his face, sending him sprawling deep into the opposing alleyway. Following the spring back to the source, he found a woman... a very much so woman, standing there in front of him. She was wearing a red and black checkered spandex bodysuit, with opposing colored diamonds forming trios on her right arm and leg. In her left hand was the gun that the glove had launched from. Her face was masked by a thick layer of white, dark crimson lipstick, and what looked to be a black eye mask painted over her eyes. She even had two little cones sticking off to the side of her head like horns, save the two puff balls at the end. The white frilly cuffs at her wrists separated the gloves that opposed the rest of the arms. The collar was a nice touch of three banner-like hangings, each ending in puff balls.

After the Joker regained his brain for the long dormant hormones, he smiled his manic smile and gave her another once over. "And who pray tell are you?"

"Can't ya tell Puddin'?" the woman purred seductively as she sashayed over towards the Joker. "I'm Harley Quinn... but you can call me... yours."

"I think I might..." the Joker demurred as he slung an arm around her shoulder. "How about we go somewhere to talk... I have a feeling this is the start of a beautiful partnership..."

As he tilted his head back for his trademark laugh, he couldn't help but notice that Harley's giggles seemed to just add the right undertone. And the village of Konoha would mark the end of their sanity.

At nearly dawn the next morning, Naruto Uzumaki crawled into his bed to get a few hours of shut eye before class. He hadn't found out much about Harley, but he hadn't revealed much either. Both had their own targets to take on, both agreed to help the other, and both thought that Batman was going to be fun to play with. But still, he wondered, just who was that beautiful woman, and why had she helped him?

Meanwhile, across town, a tired female form dragged herself into the apartment she lived in after her father kicked her out of her own home. It felt far warmer and more inviting than that hellhole, but still, it just wasn't what she thought home should be like.

She had almost made it to her room, when a voice clearing behind her caused her to sheepishly turn around. She had been busted, and by the two sets of eyes boring in on her, she was in deep.

"Hinata Hyuuga..." Kurenai asked calmly as Anko smirked, having heard _THAT_ tone many times before, "You have some explaining to do..." The Genjutsu specialist merely pointed to the hard wooden chair reserved for Anko when she was in the doghouse... again.

Hinata sighed and trudged over, thankful that her disguise was safely hidden away in her secret spot far away right now.


	60. Seen it Coming

Kakashi should have seen this coming, especially after all the rumors going around about his team during their academy days. And yet here he was, staring at his team in what could only be termed as abject horror. Sakura was the easiest to deal with; she was passed out with a bloody trail from her nose and a huge grin on her face. It was the boys that were going to be the hardest to figure out what to do about. They hadn't even noticed his arrival, and judging by how they were going at it, he doubted they would even if he drenched them in a water dragon.

Actually, using them dragon would probably have only made it worse. Sighing he made sure that Sakura was comfortable, using the remains of Sasuke's pants as a pillow, and then pulled out his Icha Icha novel. Those two could take hours before they finished, and he had just reached a good part.

Maybe he should have broken up the fight, but really he didn't want to get between them right now. He'd just make sure to stop it before any lethal techniques were used, but so far it seemed like only a brawl. And that was how Team Seven passed their day of training; Sakura from an impact of a stray rock, Naruto and Sasuke brawling in their underwear, and Kakashi reading his novel. People walking past would only take a brief glance before shaking their heads and walking away, after all, with Naruto and Sasuke such a fight was only a matter of time.


	61. Zombies

Naruto looked at the undead horde drawing closer to him. Normally he'd have retreated by now, try and find somewhere safe, but he was the last line of defense. Beyond him were only the injured and civilians that had survived. So many had fallen to this undead legion adding to their ranks constantly with the fresh newly dead members, the living only fell to join them. Already Naruto had faced and killed his own teammates, many of the others that had graduated with him. Every day since this outbreak had been a living nightmare as thousands upon thousands of those zombies continued attacking.

Crossing his fingers, he began summoning his chakra to utilize the best method he found to take care of the legions of undead so far. Swarms of Naruto's sprang forth from the ether to charge at the legions of undead minions coming at him. Each pair formed a rasengan in the right hand of the lead member, who would slam the ball of swirling chakra into the heads of the zombies, splattering the area with the remains of the mental organs and dropping the undead abominations.

As always, he kept a few back to defend himself as he continuously summoned clones to replace those that fell. This was going to be the final stand, he knew this, but every second he could buy the others would be worth it because he was buying them the time needed to develop a way to remove the zombies forever.

He was running short on his own chakra reserves already, and was feeling the draw of Kyuubi's chakra hanging just at the outer edge of his consciousness. He knew that if he surrendered, he wouldn't stop until everything was dead.

Feeling his anger building at the situation, he snarled fiercely at the scenario. They just wouldn't stop coming, it wasn't fair! Damn that Orochimaru for causing this. Damn him back to hell from where he spawned! The chakra cloak began forming around him, as a roar of rage ripped from his throat. If he was going down, he was going to take all of them with him.

A tail swung back to close the cave opening behind him, sealing the others from him and the zombies; leaving him the last living thing on the surface. With a snarl, he turned towards the undead hordes and surged forth, ripping through the legions of zombies in a bloody massacre.


	62. New Intros 8

Kakashi looked over his new genin squad curiously as they sat on the roof, soaking up the sunshine. To say they were not what he expected upon reading their files would be something of an understatement.

First was Sasuke on the left, he had traded his blue and white Uchiha motif for something that while wasn't strictly ideal for ninja work was a lot better. Instead he had a brown leather-like shirt, light brown undershirt, and matching light brown pants, the boots were of the same brown as the shirt. All in all, not bad, but would be difficult to pull jutsu off with, especially the fire based ones. Stealth might be an issue too.

Sakura's outfit made him question her fitness for being a ninja, those overly blue spaghetti strap dress looked like it wouldn't be fit for use in the field, and those boots definitely looked out of place with it. What made him worry the most was the fact she carried a specially crafted hatchet and katana set, that she played idly with, as though she didn't understand she could chop off her fingers with how she was juggling them.

Keeping a healthy distance from her was Naruto and what looked like a six foot tall walking woman in a skin-tight nine-tailed fox costume, with a bandoleer of metal cubes across its feminine chest. Naruto himself was a curious change, gone was the anxious energy he expected, instead he was sitting there looking over blue-prints, taking notes on something that confused even Kakashi. Also gone was his orange jumpsuit, instead he had a cream padded undershirt, black leather vest, leather pants, and from what he could see, knee-high polished black leather boots. What really caught the eye was slung around his waist. It was a metal and dark brown leather belt, with a second loop down off his right side to mid-thigh, carrying a whole host of odd objects, including what he sensed was a chakra channeling projectile launcher on his right thigh.

Even as he turned away from the blonde, he noticed that the holster for the launcher had a strap tied just over his knee, keeping it from flapping about. All said and done, a very well designed outfit.

"Maa..." he mused loudly to gain their attention, once gained he signaled for them to put up their distractions. "Let's start introductions, mkay?"

At the warbled roar from the six foot tall vixen, Naruto took the opportunity to translate. "She wants you to go first... and I suggest you listen to her... she tends to beat people with their own arms when mad..."

"Alright..." Kakashi began with a sigh. "I'm Hatake Kakashi, a jounin of Konoha... and a lot of what I would say past this point would be censored..."

A roar from the walking hairball caused Kakashi's eye to twitch, he wasn't sure, but he felt like he'd just been insulted. Naruto's laughing didn't help matters at all. Instead Kakashi pointed to Sasuke. "You, Broody McEmopants, you're up first."

Sasuke glared at the nickname, before standing up in some form of attention Kakashi hadn't seen before. "I'm Sasuke "Maverick" Blair, formerly Uchiha. I've taken the former family name to distance myself from the disgrace that is my older brother Itachi. I am trained in multiple fighter and bomber craft flight and operations. Anything from a Hornet light fighter, to a Raptor heavy fighter, I'm your Wing Comander, sir. I am also trained in Confed marine tactics and weapons sir, meaning I'm your man in the air and on the ground. My main goal is to remove the blight my brother has put on our family name."

"Bluehair huh? Finally admitting you dye those luscious locks Sasgay?" Naruto quipped, while the fur pile behind him let out a guttural laugh, Sakura paused in her nearly reactionary response to look at Sasuke's hair and sigh in agreement. Re-sheathing the blade that had already nearly cleared its scabbard.

Kakashi decided it would be safer for him mentally to take Sakura first. "You're up Pinky."

Let it be known that Kakashi has been wrong before.

"I am Sakura Haruno, and I'm looking to be a normal, strong kunoichi. I do like Sasuke though..." she said with a lecherous grin that'd done Jiraiya proud. "However... there is another side of me you should meet..."

Before Kakashi could ask, Sakura slumped forward like a puppet with its strings cut. Seconds later she was back, gone was her shy body posture, replacing it was a smooth and confident killer stance. "I am Sakura Haruno also, but I prefer the name of River Tam. You threaten her and I will peel your skin off nine ways before you hit the ground. We have made a deal in which I will not come out during training spars, and in situations she can handle it. But I'd suggest not pushing us. I am very well verse in waif-fu and will not hesitate to use it on you."

Kakashi watched as Sakura returned to control, smiling sheepishly. He wasn't sure which unnerved him more, that she was able to put out killer intent enough to scare him, or that he believe her about the skinning part.

Shelving that for the growing list of concerns he wanted to address to the Hokage, he flicked his hand lazily at Naruto, hoping the prankster hadn't changed much despite the new companion and look. So far there were no indications of that, but you never know with him.

"I'm Naru Solo Uzumaki, and this is Kyuubacca, Kyuubi for short. She's a Vixxy, from the planet Yipershhk, about thirty seven light years from here. While acting as a shinobi, I am to keep a look out for two others that had arrived with me, but suffered memory loss. One is a bun haired princess that drives me insane..." Naruto explained, before pausing for Kyuubi to say something.

Since no-one could understand her, let's focus on something that's happening over at Team Gai's training area. Tenten Organa had just let out a sneeze. Now this could be mere coincidence, save what she muttered afterwards. "I feel like an idiot with delusions of grandeur just talked about me."

Back with Team Seven, after that cut which was in no way foreshadowing, we find a blushing Naruto yelling at a snickering Kyuubi. "I DID NOT MEAN IT LIKE THAT YOU PERVERTED FOX!"

Clearing his throat, Kakashi got their attention back on him before he gave the blonde an eye smile and waved his hand for him to continue.

Clearing his throat, Naruto shot a glare at Kyuubi again before continuing his introduction. "The other person I'm looking for is an annoying farm boy who turned out to be some great Jedi prodigy in the Force..."

As Kyuubi growled something else out at Naruto, we find Rock 'Skywalker' Lee letting out a huge sneeze. Unnoticed to him several rocks lifted off the ground and were flung away by some invisible force. "Strange... I feel like an arrogant jerk just spoke of me in unflattery terms... Oh well, back to training!"

While Lee ran away carrying some strange puppet he insisted on calling Yoda-sensei along on his run through the deepest swamps, we find Naruto glaring at Kyuubi, again.

"I told you, I don't believe in that hokey religions and ancient weapons stuff. They're no match for a good blaster at your side," Naruto stated dryly while he patted the chakra channeling device at his thigh. "I'll use these jutsu, but if I can't make a profit on the runs, I'll do it anyway I can."

Turning back to the group, he smiled at them with a smile that Kakashi could almost swear was twelve parsecs wide, even if he didn't know what that meant. "I also have the Millennium Falcon that we can all ride around in while ol' Blue Hair keeps the fighters off us. No trouble matching his speeds at all, though I'd like to also carry some sellable goods if we're going to take her out. After all, I have to watch out for the bottom line, don't I?"

Kakashi blinked at the deluge of information that had come from the blonde. "That's wonderful..." Kakashi stated calmly, before rubbing his chin. "Maa... we'll meet at training ground seven around ten tomorrow morning for the final genin tests... Oh and don't eat breakfast, you'll probably only through it up."

He disappeared in a swirl of leaves, to watch as the others left, not quite sure what to make of them thus far. However, when a rusting hulk of a craft that he hadn't even noticed, lifted off from the rooftop next to the academy, and scooped up the three new genin and huge Vixxy, he was surprised to say the least. The next thing he would do, was walk right up to the Hokage and attack him with an intent to kill. Hey maybe he could get out of training these nut jobs by pleading insanity after attacking the Hokage... if he survived that is.


	63. Spying no Jutsu

This one's for you Sonar, I fudged the request, but I think it's in the right spirit, no?

* * *

Naruto gulped nervously as he shifted in the hot water he'd found himself in, both figuratively as well as literally. He was going to complete this mission, turn in the findings, locate the person that requested the mission, and rip their throat out through their urethra.

The mission was simple enough, locate targets, and photograph them. Oh yeah, easy enough, save that it was during the Princess Hot Spring Festival in the Land of Ice. The fact that the targets were all jounin or higher level ninjas wasn't lost on the blonde, but he knew that he was the only one capable of completing this mission, which is why he found himself neck deep in hot water of the springs, surrounded by kunoichi that would most likely kill him if they found out about him not being whom he seemed to be.

Due to a mistake early in his ninja training, he mistakenly unlocked an extremely advanced form of Henge previously thought impossible. He was able to make a full complete body change, instead of just an illusion like most people did. This was beneficial in that he could remain in a Henge until he changed back, and even remove his focus on the illusion. Meaning that even though he was in the company of ninjas twenty-four hours a day, none of them would know it was a henge.

Instead of his usual form, he had gone with a more subdued but beautiful form. His skin was pale like Hinata's instead of his usual tanned complexion, his hair was long and rolling brunette locks instead of twin blonde pigtails, instead of sparkling blue innocent eyes, she had green eyes that danced like emeralds with inner mirth. And the smooth complexion also hid the usual whisker marks that marred her cheeks. And thus Mokoto Umino was born.

Outside of the springs, she wore a simple pink dress with black trim and a white undershirt. The top tucked in itself, making it look a little more complex, but still functional. Her cover story was that she was a reporter covering the festival for a magazine, and thus was able to take pictures without much fuss. However, what had happened surprised her greatly.

Not only had a few of the females asked for duplicates, not only had she been asked to record the monumental meetings of kage level individuals for peace talks, not only had she been given more names and numbers than her suitcase could possibly carry with promises from her to call them, not only had she met not one, but TWO female jinchuuriki who had invited her for ramen and talks, but she had been frog marched from her hotel room to the most exclusive, high priced hot spring around. Inside she had found that the two jinchuuriki were waiting for her, as were the kage level individuals she'd recorded for, several of the people who gave her their numbers, and more than a few women whom she knew as Naruto Uzumaki.

And so here she was, in a wet dream of nearly any other man, trying to figure out a way to run away before her cover was blown. The two naked woman hugging her arms while talking about various ninja training methods, while a third gave her a back rub with much more than just her hands, made it very difficult for her to leave.

"Now Moko-chan..." purred the woman she remembered as the Mizukage while she slid into place in front of the now trapped woman. "Why don't you tell us who you really are, hmm?"

And with those words, Mokoto knew she was in trouble.


	64. Cage Match

This was spawned forth from a conversation with Gouken 2009 after I linked him to Laying the Smackethdown: Uzumaki Style by Vesvius, a far better writer of this style than I could ever hope to be. I hope they don't mind me borrowing a page from their books in this one. If you get the chance, check out the other story for better work.

* * *

Naruto had finally caught up with Sasuke, the area was known only as the Valley of the End. Looking across at the head of Mandara Uchiha from his vantage point on the Hashirama Senju, the blonde jinchuuriki racked his brain, trying to figure out how to bring his teammate back to the village. Then a crazy, half-baked idea hit him.

Since those types usually worked for him when he was pranking, he decided to go with it. Summoning Gamakichi and Gamatatsu, he gave them a scroll each before the three of them leapt over the gap between the two. Naruto landed first, mere feet from Sasuke, while the two toads landed a few yards to either side. Sasuke barely noticed that the scrolls had a rolled up manga on the backside before the seals on the scroll activated, and a giant metal cage surrounded the pair, and a strange canvas like flooring replaced the ground, giving them a bit more spring to their steps.

"This is a special chakra draining cage," Naruto proclaimed as he stood up to his full height, "It'll eliminate any jutsu we try to perform, so now it's a strictly taijutsu match."

Sasuke snarled as he felt his Sharingan fade away, knowing that the dobe was going to have the advantage without it. "So this is what that sannin showed you? How to get trapped with your target?"

"Nope," Naruto answered with a smirk, "He showed me how to make the cage sure, but the rest I learned from watching TV."

Before Sasuke could ask what he meant, he felt Naruto's arm impacting his chest, sending him sprawling on the mat. Springing back up he charged at Naruto with his arms set for a punch, however that soon turned into him being flipped up and over Naruto's shoulder, down onto his back heavily.

Rolling to his hands and knees he snarled as the dobe just smirked at him. His attack style wasn't very well suited to the brawling like Naruto was used to, and he also gave Naruto at least a good twenty pounds. He wasn't about to give up though.

Springing up off the mat, he went in for a flying tackled to Naruto's midsection, expecting him to not see the move coming. Sadly it was not to be as Naruto leapfrogged over him, sending him face first into the metal bars of the cage.

While stars danced before his eyes, Sasuke felt Naruto sling his arm over his shoulder, as though to support him from falling over. He realized he had a problem when Naruto used his other hand to hoist him up by his waistband and held him inverted on his shoulder. The next second Naruto was out from under him, and his head was coming in for an impact with the mat. As he laid sprawled out on the ground, he regained the use of his eyes, shortly before Naruto elbow dropped down across his chest, knocking the air out of him.

Naruto didn't let Sasuke regain his breath however; instead he hefted Sasuke up by his throat. Holding him there for a moment he let out a vicious snarl, which allowed Sasuke enough time to see that Naruto's eyes were all white, just in time to be forced back down into the mat back first.

Naruto didn't give Sasuke any time to recover again; instead he lifted him by his legs, front to Naruto's back. His head was only between the knees of Naruto for only a minute before Naruto slung him forward like a catapult. Sasuke hit the bars head first, and then the rest of his back slammed into the bars.

As the last of the Uchiha clan crumpled to the ground unconscious, Naruto folded his arms over his chest, as though dead. He looked up just as Kakashi arrived, his eyes rolled back into his skull. Kakashi for the first time knew fear since the Kyuubi attacked; it wasn't Killer Intent rolling of the blonde, but rather a simple promise of death.

Kakashi watched a metamorphosis roll over Naruto, going from the personification of death, into the simple smiling face he'd always known. "I told everyone I'd bring him back..." Naruto stated calmly, before he passed out on top of Sasuke.

Kakashi walked over and scooped the pair of passed out shinobi, and started carrying them home. No one was likely to believe this mission report.


	65. No Chapter 65

The joke is kinda a shout out to Disney's cutting most series off after 65 episodes, basically the 65 episode rule. Gauren 2009 suggested that I do this after Fourth Wall no Jutsu. Also, something to mark in previous and future chapters, watch for blank manga pages.

* * *

There was silence in the mission room of Konohagakure, a feat usually reserved for when Tsunade enters with a hangover, someone badmouths Ibiki's only team, or someone had provoked Iruka into reaching for the mouse and spoon. A quick check of those three parties confirmed that they weren't the cause of said silence. No, this silence which the majority of Konoha nins, a pair of ramen stand workers, several princesses, and a delegation including the Kazekage, his siblings, and the jounin that had been their instructor all suffered from was caused by a stack of papers in the middle of the group.

Looking around the room, one might notice a distinct lack of orange and black clad jinchuuriki, traitorous snakes, and perverted sannins. The last had been sent a message about the gathering, which he replied that he'd keep Naruto distracted, but not for long. So they had assembled this morning in the mission room to look over this manga of their future lives that one Masashi Kishimoto had written and drawn out sat there, proclaiming a dark and dismal future awaiting them.

Unsurprising it was Kiba Inuzuka that broke the silence. "So let me get this straight, that dobe Naruto gets his own manga named after him, about all of us, only for that traitor Sasuke to steal the spotlight? Seriously, what the fuck?!"

"Settle down Kiba," Shino stated calmly as he sat his teammate down rather forcefully, "I'm sure that Kishimoto-san has a valid reason for picking Naruto-kun, but rather than trying to force that, I suggest we figure out what we do for now."

"I say we go on strike," someone voiced from the back of the room, all eyes looked at the random ANBU, before returning to the center of the room, where they continued discussing the matter. However, someone seemed to like that idea.

"Yeah! Let's strike until that guy writes us better parts!" Ino Yamanaka shouted, being held back from rushing at the pages by one Sakura Haruno. They were pretty sure she was going for the wrong definition of strike there, but no one wanted to risk correcting her.

"W...what if we just redid everything?" the normally recessive Hinata Hyuuga spoke up while walking to stand next to the pages in question. "After all, we are all master forgers and could copy his style with ease..."

"I don't think that would be prudent," Shikamaru answered, from his spot slumped against one of the walls. "He probably has things planned out, and even if things are edited by others, I think he would notice such great changes like that. But we may get in little edits on key pages..."

As the various Shinobi and civilians discussed the merits of their plans, no one noticed a blonde head of hair with an orange outfit enter the room. Until he reached the stack of pages and spoke up. "So this is that 'Art Project' everyone's been working on?"

Instantly, like a crack of thunder, every life that had been touched by the voice's source whipped around to find Naruto reading through the pages. Not a single person spoke as Naruto paged through what would one day be his life if things didn't change. "Man I look awesome in this... I can't wait to see how you guys finish it! Maybe tone it down on Sasuke becoming a demon, I mean come on, he's still my best friend you guys..."

No one had the heart to tell Naruto how wrong he was, no one wanted to see those blue eyes that were silently pleading with them mist over in tears of rage and betrayal again. Instead Tenten walked over to Naruto and nervously took the pages away from him. "Yeah, we were just talking about that Naruto... it was going to be a surprise for your birthday next year..." she lied quickly, smiling as the blonde seemed to take it, but three pairs of eyes noticed that he didn't quite believe it, but didn't press the matter after Tenten spoke up about the next part of her plan. "How about we go get you some ramen? I'll buy."

"Sure! Uhh..." Naruto paused, looking around until he found Teuchi and Ayame over in the corner, looking at him with kind smiles as always. "That's where you two are... Ero-sennin said you were busy here, so I thought I'd come and see what was up. I didn't know you were in on this art project..."

As the quad of people walked out, no one noticed that the pile of pages now sat a couple pages thinner. Instead everyone watched as Naruto was lead away to the ramen stand, a rather happy and relaxed attitude surrounding them all. In fact, that atmosphere seemed to have infected the entire room as they all smiled and returned to their previous discussion.

"Right," Tsunade said as she laid her hand on the pile of pages, "I'm assigning Shikamaru in charge of making sure that we don't completely mess up our lives by playing around with the manga; anyone wishing to change pages needs to confirm the changes with him before they're allowed to take pages. Any objections?"

No one in the room disagreed, even Shikamaru, who for once smiled about the work he was given. This troublesome thing might just be interesting.


	66. Sasuke Amuck

This is a tribute to one of my all time favorite cartoons, Duck Amuck. Go ahead, I'll wait while you check it out... *waits* Got the plot? Let's get the show going then.

* * *

Sasuke was walking along, adjusting his huge purple bow on his backside to try and make it look less ridiculous. He knew it was a lost cause, but it was better than trying to challenging Orochimaru about it, at least until he had the power to defeat his brother.

Suddenly he noticed that even with his Sharingan active, he couldn't see any of the scenery his mind had subtly been enjoying. Scratch that, turning back around; he could see where he'd just walked though, and then nothing. It was as if he was in some anime where the artist had ignored drawing the scenery. "Well... this is odd..."

Suddenly a massive pencil appeared out of nowhere and drew something behind him. As it pulled back he felt a weight settle in on his belt. Reaching back, he pulled forth a sign that read "Hi, I'm Sasuke Uchiha, boys call for a good time."

Feeling his eye twitch, he tossed the sign away and glared at where the pencil had apparently been held. "Alright, whoever's out there, show yourself immediately!"

As silence reigned, he let out a sigh and indicated behind him. "How about some scenery then wise ass?"

This time a paintbrush appeared, and Sasuke found himself standing in the middle of the snow country. "WHERE I WAS!"

The paintbrush popped up again, this time nudging him away towards the left, where he was back in the familiar forest again. Only this time it was merely pencil drawn trees without any color. "That's better... now... how about some color moron?"

Again the paintbrush appeared, painting his head orange, his neck blue, his clothes some shade of pink that looked like Sakura's hair, his pants were now purple, and his shoes were jet black. Looking down at himself, and his multi-hued hands, he felt rage burning deep inside. "NOT ME YOU JACK OFF!"

The pencil's eraser appeared and removed his body, leaving only his mouth and eyes. After a five count, he blinked and snarled. "WHERE'S THE REST OF ME?!"

The pencil appeared and drew in a watermelon for his head, a chicken's body, and the legs of a horse. "Thanks..." Sasuke stated calmly as he started clopping off, "Something doesn't feel right..."

The paintbrush appeared and drew up a mirror, where he found himself staring into the reflection of the abomination of nature that he had become. Sharingan spinning wildly he glared at the source of the pencil and paintbrush. "YOU KNOW BETTER!!"

The mirror and his entire body were erased, this time being replaced with exactly how he looked at the beginning. "You done goofing around yet?" as he didn't get a reply, he sighed loudly and started walking along again, this time the forest returned to normal around him. "Finally..."

Meanwhile back in Konoha, Naruto looked up from the pages he'd pilfered from the others. He knew exactly what they had done, but decided against calling them on it, instead using it for his long forgotten pranks.

"That's for the hole in my chest teme..." Naruto smirked victoriously, before looking at the book he had drawn for himself. 'The Perfect Plan to Return Sasuke Uchiha to the Village, and De-Emofy Him' was the wonderful title he'd given it. And as he read, he found that all he needed to do was keep doing things he usually did, and say the right things at the right moments. In fact, it had given him the time to say and do things down to the exact minute of the day. He liked this book more and more that he read it.

The only part he didn't like was where it broke down step-by-step how he was supposed to knock Sakura into Ino, the same way that he and Sasuke had been knocked together. But he was willing to accept that loss, for the veritable harem of girls the book had listed for him.

For now however, he had to run into Shikamaru and slip the pages he edited into the stack while helping him pick up the resulting mess. Indeed, this book was great.


	67. Fantasy and Reality

Naruto stared at the white horse his team had stumbled upon in their travels, which seemed to be following them. The others hadn't noticed anything off about the elegant white mare with a tiny star patch on the middle of its forehead. But Naruto had, he saw the horn that was sticking out.

Taking first watch, he waited until the others were sound asleep before walking over to the horse and offering her an apple he had stolen from Sasuke's back. The unicorn placidly took the apple and began crunching it peacefully. After a few minutes, Naruto began speaking. "I know what you are; you are no ordinary mare by any stretch of the imagination..."

The horned horse tilted its head as though trying to play innocent, before its eyes widened, remembering that horsed didn't know that act. Snorting it began pulling away, only to be stopped by Naruto's soft touch to the base of her horn, a very soothing touch. Looking back she saw him smiling at her warmly. "You're so beautiful it gives me hope for the future... Thank you my friend..."

The horse's form rippled into that of a pale milky-white skinned woman, with hair as pure as the moon's light. There still was a tiny starburst mark on the center of her forehead, and she was clad in a light lavender dress, the likes of which Naruto had never seen before. The sleeves billowed out from the elbows, hiding her hands. And the rest of it cut snug to her body until her waist, where it just hung loose. For as simple as it was, there was something impossibly beautiful about the outfit.

Her voice was another surprise as she smiled sadly and ran her very tender fingers over his cheek whiskers. "The name is Amalthea friend kitsune..." she answered softly, resting her finger over his lip to forestall his comment about the name, "You bear one... but your heart belongs to the lady goddess Inari..."

Naruto pondered this, until his mind was removed completely from reality as her lips captured his tenderly.

From the campsite, Kakashi smiled as he watched his little pupil receive his first female kiss. He'd known it wasn't a normal horse, but just how unusual he'd have never guessed. In a distant part of his mind, he remembered the tale his mentor used to tell of the Last Unicorn wandering the world for someone to see her with pure eyes.

Looking at the stars above, he wondered when the fell dragons of the west would be arriving, for having found such pure eyes as Naruto's the others would come, and the dragons worried Kakashi the most, except the tale of one named Gorbash, who would side with the Unicorn, to honor its uncle Smrgol and a brave warrior named Sir Peter.

Life in the Elemental Nations promised to be interesting. As Falkor looked down on his friend Amalthea, he knew that the time was nigh for fantasy to return to reality.


	68. New Intros 9

Kakashi looked over his new genin squad curiously as they sat on the roof, soaking up the sunshine. To say they were not what he expected upon reading their files would be something of an understatement.

First was Sasuke staring at an odd short sword, it wasn't the normal tanto blade most shinobi used; instead it was an odd design that bulged out near the tip of the blade, and narrowed near the hilt. It also seemed to have a faint blue hue to it.

Sakura was looking at the odd pink gemstone on the ring she had on her left pinky. It was a simple heart design, but Kakashi could tell there was a lot of power in it that wasn't chakra based. He was sure that there was a story about why she was nervously adjusting it every now and then.

Finally was the one he really didn't want to look at for too long. According the file, Naruto Uzumaki was a male, blonde-hair, blue-eyed loudmouth shinobi wannabe that couldn't be bothered to read if you duct taped his eyes open and held the book in front of him. Of that list... only blonde-haired fit. She was sitting quietly, in what appeared to be a white satin outfit with a strange crown-like object pulling her long shimmering blonde hair back down along her back. In the place of blue eyes were sparkling, mirthful and warm golden eyes that drew him in and made him want to believe in goodness again. And finally, her eyes the color of the sun were casually perusing a strange book on her lap, looking at the cover, he could just make out a strange emblem on the cover that looked like two snakes twisted into several knots and then biting each other's tails. This should be interesting.

To start with he decided that the one least likely to cause him to beat his head into the nearest wall. "Maaa... how about introductions... just your name, and a bit about you... maybe about those objects you hold..."

As the students looked up he pointed to Sasuke, indicating he go first. "You first, oh token male student..."

Kakashi barely noticed the wince from Sakura and Sasuke at this, but oddly enough, no reaction from Naruto.

"Hnn..." Sasuke began with an annoyed grunt. "I'm Sasuke Uchiha, and I'm going to kill my brother that betrayed my clan... my sword Sting here shall aid me in that."

"Does it have some special properties that will help you with that?" Kakashi asked mildly.

"Yes," Sasuke answered with a smug smirk to the others.

Instead of pressing on, he just continued to Sakura. She promised to be somewhat sane according to her profile.

"I'm Sakura Haruno," she began with a pleasant smile her thumb rubbing the ring on her pinky idly. "I hope to be a proud and brave Kunoichi of Konoha... my object is this ring which puts me in contact with me other half..."

"Other half?" Kakashi prompted, to which Sakura nodded.

"Yes sensei... my other half is a part of me... she is not human though... instead she's a race called Djinni. Her name is Kiyohime," Sakura explained calmly with a faint blush, "Apparently she can grant me any wish I ask for, so long as it's in rhyme, and doesn't violate the three absolute laws. No killing people, no bringing people to life, and no making people fall in or out of love. If you'd like I could demonstrate for you..."

Kakashi paused to look at her for a few minutes before shrugging and leaning forward. "Could you make a fish fall from the sky?"

"I can try..." Sakura said quietly before turning the ring on her finger three times. "Kiyohime, please hear my wish. From the sky I ask of a fish. Make it fall, in front of us all."

A second later, Kakashi felt something cold, wet, and wriggling smack him directly on the head. Reaching up, he plucked the fish from on top of him and looked at it curiously. "We'll work on your aim I suppose..." Tossing it over his shoulder, he could have sworn he heard some gennin team cuss at him for making Tora run away. But that was impossible, wasn't it? He had been given the Tora missions when he was a genin.

Finally he turned to the last person in the group, noticing that Sasuke was frowning and looking between Sakura's ring and his sword. Envy was evident on his face over the ring of wishes. "You're up Naru..." Kakashi started, before being distracted once again by the shining gold eyes that made him think of the first time he had accepted Rin and Obito, such warmth and acceptance. It made him feel loved.

He barely heard the blonde's melodious voice speaking up. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki, the latest childlike empress of Fantasia..." this got the attention of the other two, and a blush from Naruto's cheeks. "I kinda wanted to be Hokage, but now I just want to be a wise and just ruler of Fantasia. Umm... recently I moved into a new apartment over Mr. Koreander's bookstore... he's the one you got that book from sensei..." she stated while indicating a bit of orange poking out of Kakashi's pocket. He was glad for his mask to hide his blush as he tucked it away better.

Something odd was coming over him, instead of tormenting her like he originally planned, he wanted to cuddle her and protect her from the world around her. She was breaking through his walls without even trying! At this rate, he'd show her what's under his mask with just a smile and a please. He had to keep distant from her as much as possible.

"My book here is linked to me, allowing me to rewrite the world around me as I'd like to... it's called the Neverending Story. Like Sakura's ring, there are also limits on what I can do... I cannot force people against their nature, nor can I kill or raise the dead. Also... only I am allowed to write in this book, and only if Fantasia remains a haven of hopes and dreams."

Kakashi saw Sasuke's eyes glaring at his sword, which at first had seemed so impressive, but was turning less and less so in the boy's eyes apparently. Before Kakashi could ask, Sasuke muttered "My sword only glows around enemy and is eternally sharp...I was ripped off..."

Sakura had one question that was on her mind since Naruto had arrived. "Umm... Naruto, what happened to your blue eyes? And weren't you a boy?"

"My eyes? Oh yeah... when I was given my book for the first time, it turned them gold as a mark of me being the childlike empress... it also slowed my aging..." Naruto explained with a faint blush and a slight laugh that rang like silver bells. "As for being a boy... I never was one... but talking with an older kunoichi I decided to skip out. And as a boy I was able to..."

A few blocks away, Anko sneezed while waiting for her dango. Shrugging it off, she wondered what had happened to that blonde girl that was disappointed about the kunoichi training being a lot of flower arrangements.

"And then in my first year, I found another girl that was just skipping the flower arrangements to go work at the target range, she was fun!" Naruto finished explaining with a sparkling smile, which stunned the minds of three people on that rooftop.

Tenten sneezed in mid-launch of a kunai. She hoped she wasn't getting a cold; it would be bad since Gai had finally gone off with Lee after four incidents of their sunset genjutsu. Meanwhile, with Gai and Lee, both shivered and looked at each other. After a moment Gai spoke up, "What you just felt Lee is the source of all youthfulness, it would appear that the childlike empress has awoken. Come we must away to find her!"

"Yes Gai-sensei!" And together the two of them ran off, not sure where they were heading.

Kakashi shook his head as he felt like someone had just defecated on his grave. He was going to tell them all to depart, when Sakura asked another question. "What about your crush on me?"

Naruto blushed so deeply that Kakashi wanted to rush over and hug her close, and then she let out that playful giggle again. "Love is love Sakura-chan... My love knows no gender, just that I hold deepest love for others. If you do not reciprocate, I suppose I won't pursue so adamantly..."

Somewhere deep under the Hyuuga household, Hinata felt something in her heart leap up. And then she began dancing around with the first doll she grabbed. Which just happened to be a blonde-haired blue-eyed orange clad ninja doll she was working to change to Naruto's new look. She felt like the universe had just given her heart a second chance.

Kakashi looked at the blushing Sakura, who was hiding her lips behind two fists, like a girl with a crush or something. Sasuke on the other hand... was drooling with a subtle nosebleed. Apparently the genius would make for a good pupil for Kakashi after all, now to just get him a mask.

"Maa... well that's all for today... meet me at Training ground seven tomorrow at ten for your final genin test... oh and don't eat anything for breakfast, you'll likely only throw it up..."

Kakashi vanished, landing on the rooftop across the street from the trio, just in time for something that looked like a cross between a dog and a oriental dragon to dip out of the sky and after encouragement from Naruto, take the three new gennin off for supper somewhere. Kakashi decided that now would be a good time to go to the Hokage, and ask for assignment as the training dummy for the academy's kunai training grounds.

Yeah, that sounded like a plan.


	69. Promises to Keep

Naruto sighed as he looked at the building before him. He didn't know why he was here; the person he had come for had left him in the dust and forgot all about this yearly ritual.

Looking around, he realized that the doctors would have his hide if they knew he'd escaped the hospital. Most of them were surprised that he even still remained on this side of the surface of the Earth, in fact only Tsunade wasn't surprised that he woke up after only a night's sleep, ready to go. True his leg was still in a cast, his arm wasn't in any usable shape, and he was fairly sure that hole in his stomach hadn't fully healed yet. But this was more important than all that, if he was on the verge of death, he would have clawed his way here to be present on this day.

Limping along he entered the darkened entryway, maintaining a respectful silence the entire time, until he reached his goal. There in the middle of the compound, stood a single rounded stone. He would always stop by between missions, making this the only place people could never find him. After all, who would believe him to be here?

As he began cleaning the stone, removing the weeds and making sure each of the letters were still sharp and fresh as the day they'd been carved, he thought back to when he first came. It had been mere chance that he'd wandered past the old Uchiha compound on this day ten years ago. On that day he had heard something he'd never thought he'd hear, and so he followed the sound to its source.

There was his friend Sasuke, he had been cleaning this stone with tears rolling down his cheeks. The blonde boy had remained silent for a few minutes, before walking over and helping the last of the Uchiha clean the stone. Together the boys had honored dead that Naruto had never met formally, or could he honestly say had ever been nice to him. Something about that day struck an accord between the two boys as they prayed and Naruto helped Sasuke with the rest of his tasks. As they parted late that night, neither said a word, but the next year both were back, silently paying their respects to the Uchiha dead.

Looking at the now clean stone he gulped as he saw only one blank spot left on the stone. He knew this day would come shortly after he had carved Itachi's name in for Sasuke. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a sealed envelope of wax paper. Unfolding it slowly, he looked down at the few strands of hair he had been able to take from Sasuke's body before the hunter nins burned his corpse. He had killed him, and as Sasuke drew his final breaths, the old Sasuke had returned. Their eyes met, Sasuke's Sharingan faded, and in place those same dark eyes that had been worn every time they met to pay honor to the dead.

He let out a faint chuckle and spoke softly. "Tomorrow's the day isn't it?"

Naruto didn't even need to ask what he meant; instead he just cradled the dying man on his lap. "Yeah... I was going to stop by after this mission..."

Sasuke's breath hitched as tears came unbidden to his eyes. Closing them he sighed and grabbed Naruto's arm gently. "I know I don't deserve any request from you... not after all I've done... but could you leave me with my family?"

Naruto hadn't said a word, instead reaching up with Sasuke's weakening grip on his good arm, and pulled out a few strands of hair. Sasuke hadn't even flinched, instead he just smiled. "Thanks... Naruto..." he stated calmly before death took him, rolling his eyes up in his skull, and causing his muscles to slacken completely.

The hunter nins had arrived about an hour later, to see Naruto still crying over the cold body of the man he had once called friend. They'd carried him to the awaiting medi-nin, who did something that knocked him out. The next thing he knew, it was morning and he had a mission to complete.

Picking up the kunai he began carving Sasuke's name into the stone. Once it was in place, he used that same kunai to dig a small trench and dump the hair into. Covering up the hair, he sniffed and closed his hands together in prayer, hoping that the young and innocent boy Sasuke had been would once again see his parents. On this day, the twelveth anniversary of the Uchiha massacre, the final one was laid to rest.

As the sun set, Naruto finally got up from his spot, heading towards his apartment. It wasn't until he turned around did he notice that the rest of the rookie nine, the surviving teachers, Team Baki, and Team Gai were there with him. He couldn't pick who did it first, but suddenly several arms were hugging him tightly.

This was something he'd longed to experience ever since he was born. Warmth, acceptance, and love; this was something he wished Sasuke could realize he had the whole time.


	70. Two Birds, One Stone

Kakashi looked up at the gathering of jounin and chuunin, it was that time of year again, and he had to decide for the first time if his team was ready for it. Using a manga page he'd found floating on a breeze along the road of life as a bookmark, he really thought about it. They had shown great teamwork and surprising tactics on their mission to Wave, but once they'd gotten back to Konoha everything had fallen apart.

Naruto had settled into the acceptance of his team, even allowing his mask to slip occasionally. Kakashi had noticed that the boy had a keen mind for battle, and if he could manage to get him to settle in for some real teaching, great potential as a ninjutsu user. Sakura had become less of a fangirl and more of a serious kunoichi when the life of her and her teammates were on the line. Even Sasuke had changed, going from the cold, heartless avenger into a stern leader of the team. Kakashi could see him going far with those two supporting him, especially if he could get Sakura into genjutsu and medijutsu training.

Looking up he saw Kurenai and Asuma walking towards the front of the group. Joining them in the lineup, he sighed as he thought back on what had happened within minutes of the team's return to Konoha. First Sakura had ran into Ino and fell back into her fangirling, which got Sasuke to throw up his defensive coldness, and Naruto trying for attention in any way possible. He was faintly aware that Kurenai and Asuma nominated their students, and now all eyes were on him. Lazily he looked the Hokage directly in the eye and shook his head. "I, Kakashi Hatake, hereby do _**not**_ nominate Team Seven, consisting of Sakura Haruno, Sasuke Uchiha, and Naruto Uzumaki."

The silence of the room was deafening, instead Kakashi pulled out his book and began reading it. After five minutes he looked up with a bored expression and sighed. "I'd also like to ask for a few C-rank missions to keep us out of Konoha until the finals if possible..."

The Hokage cleared his throat, drawing the attention off the oblivious Kakashi and onto him. "We'll deal with that later Kakashi, but for now is there any others that wish to nominate their pupils?"

The meeting wrapped up quickly after that, but everyone had one question on their minds. "What the hell is with Kakashi?"

* * *

Calloused hands lowered the page he had finished reading and looked up at the person that had drawn it up. After a ten count Shikamaru nodded and tucked the page into the stack. "We could use that... it would change the entire story... maybe even save us all..."

"Thank you..."


	71. Modern Life

Iruka glanced over his class curiously. They were all good kids, and could go far in life, and all he could do for them is try his best and teach them what they needed to live. It was a small class this time, only nine students, but that was fine with Iruka, he preferred being able to give his students more one-on-one time. In the front row was a curious trio.

On the left sat a pink haired young girl, Sakura Haruno if he remembered right. She wore a red short-sleeved shirt with a white circle on the front, a faux collar, and white cuffs around her upper arms. This shirt set off her green bracelet and chokers nicely, while the black jeans and shoes just seemed to draw attention upwards. Further, he noted that over the back of her chair was a pink sweatshirt. Overall, he'd say she would be the know-it-all, wannabe prep girl.

On the right was Ino Yamanaka, her long blonde hair in a high ponytail, which ended just below her shoulder blades. She seemed to favor the color purple, with hints of orange. Her shoulder exposing top, and cheerleader cut skirt were both purple with orange overstitching. Under that she had a strange fishnet body suit that covered her arms and legs, and went up to her neck. The most interesting thing was that her shirt read "Your girlfriend's hot!"

The most interesting thing was that directly between them was the sport star of the school Sasuke Uchiha. He wore his standard black long sleeved t-shirt and jeans, with a dark blue short-sleeved button-up shirt over the top of that, left open showed off his Uchiha crest necklace. His usual spiked hair and disaffected look should have gotten any girl present swooning, but that was curiously absent today.

Behind Sasuke sat what would be his closest friend and rival, Naruto Uzumaki, the self-proclaimed ramen eating champion of the world, and recently addition to Iruka's home. Iruka smiled seeing the whiskered face brighten with some joke Kiba told him, even getting Sasuke into it with a shove to the sholder. His black long-sleeved shirt with matching wrist-warmers all had a red circle and black spiral design on them, while over that he wore an orange and blue vest. Thankfully, Iruka talked him into wearing black jeans instead of those orange atrocities that he had broght with him from the orphanage, Iruka had won that by letting him get away with wearing that burnt orange choker to school. His dark blue sneakers really completed the mix.

To his left was the afore mentioned Kiba Inuzuka, whom like Naruto had facial marks, only these were red triangles coming down from his eyes. He'd have said they were make-up or tattoos, save he'd met Kiba's mother who explained they were a family birthmark. Around his neck he wore a spiked dog collar, under that was a fur-lined grey coat, with a black t-shirt that had a white dog printed in the front. His black jeans were worn and ripped, as were his black sneakers. All together, the guy looked more like a punk then one of the top athletes at school.

Opposite of him was Hinata Hyuuga, the quiet little mouse of the class, with the biggest crush in the world on Naruto. Her perpetual blush seemed to drown out her lavender eyes, that already threatened to fade away into the whites of her eyes. She had her pink bunny-eared hoodie pulled up over her head, and her hands were tucked into the front stomach pocket. Iruka could see the top of a light purple turtle neck sweater sticking out from the collar of the sweatshirt, and lavender ballet slippers sticking out from under her blue jeans. She was supposed to be the top marks in the class, but also rarely answered questions in class.

Behind her was the ever silent Shino Aburame. He was rather protective of the girl and Naruto in fact, and seemed to go out of his way to set up dates for them. His light green hoodie was pulled up to hide his black hair, while his black glasses hid his eyes. There was a note that the sunglasses were prescription and he needed them for his health, so Iruka left it be. Over the hoodie he wore a long black coat reaching about mid-thigh. His black jeans and boots completed the look. The only odd thing was on the front of his hoodie was a single print of a fist sized ant head.

In the center of the back row, snoring away the pre-class time was the genius of the class. Shikamaru Nara seemed peaceful in his dark green vest and olive green dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Completing the look were dark green dress slacks, and black dress shoes. Iruka would have to wake him up for class soon, but for now he could sleep.

Shikamaru's best friend Chouji Akamichi seemed to be enjoying a bit of a late breakfast, polishing off a pop-tart even as Iruka watched him. His swirl marks on his cheeks were, like Kiba's, birthmarks of his family. Under a black, short-sleeved dress shirt left open was a white and red striped long-sleeved shirt that zipped up at the neck. His forest green pants and boots were almost a match to Shika's.

Chouji reached over to wake up Shika just in time for class to begin. Iruka stood up and walked in front of his desk, scratching the scar across his nose nervously. "Welcome Freshmen, I'm Iruka Umino, and I'll be your Homeroom and English literature teacher. I hope you're excited as I am. This is my first year, so I hope you'll make it enjoyable for both of us. Okay?"

As the group made various noises of agreement, Iruka pulled out his syllabus and began handing it out. This year was going to be interesting.


	72. New Intros 10

Kakashi looked over his new genin squad curiously as they sat on the roof, soaking up the sunshine. To say they were not what he expected upon reading their files would be something of an understatement.

First was the simple fact that Sasuke was wearing a duck bill, and dressed in a dark purple double breasted coat and red lined cape, with white shorts and yellowish orange shoes coming up to his knees below that. The bright gold buttons on the front and cuffs of the coat matched his boots and bill at least. The nearly black wide brimmed hat just seemed to add to the absurdity of the outfit.

Then there was, Sakura who was fiddling with some machine in her lap. Her long pink hair was pulled back by what appeared to be mouse ears and a pair of purple goggles that stuck up out of her hair. She had a purple jumpsuit with the lapelled to open to reveal a white undershirt, and the arms rolled up past her elbows. Out the back there was a tail that he hoped was fake, but the twitching and squirming limited that to wishful thinking, it might be a chakra animated one, and the dark purple belt just drew the chakra for it, while holding it in place.

Finally he looked over at Naruto, who was eating something that looked like ramen, and smelled like this weird dish he'd seen on a mission called pizza. He... was possibly the hardest one to figure out. His entire body was died some shade of green, he wore what looked like a turtle shell for an oufit, and on his knees, wrists, and elbows were orange cloth wraps. Around his mid-section was a dark blue belt with a large orange 'N' on the buckle, around his head was an orange band of cloth, which went over his eyes like it was supposed to be a mask or something. Sticking out of the belt was about the only thing that Kakashi approved of; apparently Naruto had decided to use the nunchucks as a weapon for close in fighting.

All said and done, he figured the group would last maybe a week before quitting, if they graduated at all that is. Well he might as well get started. "Maaa... let's start with introductions... I'm Hatake Kakashi... and I think that's all we need to know."

Pointing to where Sasuke had been, he blinked, seeing the Uchiha missing. A moment later a plume of purple smoke erupted and Sasuke's voice spoke up. "I am the terror that flaps in the night... I am the boot that stomps out the weasels of injustice... I AM DARKWING DUCK!" Sasuke proudly proclaimed as the smoke dissipated, meeting Kakashi's dry look with a beaming proud look of his own.

"Right... moving on, pinky you're up..." Kakashi decided to keep moving, before he started debating which mental hospital to stick the Uchiha into, he'd obviously spent WAY too long alone.

Sakura looked up curiously, setting her device to the side. A second later something shot out of it, passing through a telephone pole before careening on its merry way. Sakura looked at its course with a slight blush. "Golly... that wasn't supposed to happen..."

Clearing his throat, he brought her back to the conversation at hand. "Oh right! Sorry, I'm Haruno Sakura, inventor extraordinaire and apprentice of the one and only Gadget Hackwrench... Umm... Golly, I don't know what else to say... except I'm sorry about my kunai shooter... it wasn't supposed to trigger like that... maybe if I..."

Kakashi stopped listening as she began going on and on about technical details he didn't really care about. He figured he'd have to meet this Gadget person to try and get the details of Sakura's training. Instead he just sighed and pointed to Naruto. "And now you..."

Naruto finished up a mouthful of the odd smelling ramen and smiled. "Yo, I'm Naruto Uzumaki, and Master Splinter has taught me the way of being a ninja turtle! He also introduced me to the wonderful pizza, which I improved on by combining it with ramen to make Ramza! It's totally righteous! Want some?"

"No... you go ahead..." Kakashi answered waving him to continue.

"COWABUNGA!" Naruto shouted before proceeding doing things to the Ramza that Kakashi would have considered very obscene. Turning around he was about to leave when he met eye to eye with a five foot tall rat in a purple gi holding himself up with a gnarled length of wood that served as a cane. On top of the cane was a little mouse with long blonde hair that looked almost identical to Sakura otherwise, and a duck that looked like a white feathered version of Sasuke. He was pretty sure these were the former masters of his new pupils, but for now he had something more important to attend to. "Tell them to be at training grounds seven at ten tomorrow... I'm going to go get the Hokage to kill me, bye..."

And with that he teleported away in a swirl of leave; heading for the Hokage tower. He was going to take Sarutobi's pipe and use it to set fire to his entire collection of Icha Icha. If that didn't work, he'd then break the damn pipe over his head. The only way he was going to leave that tower was as a pile of ashes!


	73. Surprise Party

Naruto dragged himself tiredly home from the escorting and diplomatic detail he'd been assigned. It barely registered what day it was today, the day of the Defeat of the Kyuubi festival, October 10th, and his birthday. He usually spent it either locked up in his apartment, training, or in another country on mission. It wasn't that he didn't know he should be enjoying the day, but rather the day held more bad memories than good ones.

As he reached his floor, and felt chakra signatures in his apartment, one of those self-same bad memories arose to his mind. Civilians and shinobi had broken into his apartment while he was out at class and training, trashing everything and waiting until he got back to beat him to a pulp. The ANBU had broken it up before it got too bad, but he still was in pain for the rest of the day. Deciding to do something about it this time, he created three kage bunshin, who set to work sealing the place in a way he'd developed since Jiraiya had taught him the basics.

Once the seal was in place, he poured his chakra into it, adding just a hint of Kyuubi's to spice up the seal. Turning away he walked away, going to find the Hokage or someone to help him deal with these intruders.

An hour of searching later, and Naruto had to admit two things. One, he had a lot of friends in Konoha. And Two, he had no clue where they could be.

The Hokage Tower was empty, as were the usual hangouts of the Konoha 11 as the Rookie 9 and Team Gai had become known as. Also, oddly enough the academy was empty, and Iruka's apartment was the same. It was as if all his friends and teammates had just vanished somewhere.

As he was about to check Ichiraku's Ramen, he finally spotted two people he recognized. Anko and Yugao were rushing his way, looking at the sun nervously.

"Hey Anko-nee-chan, Yugao-san!" Naruto called out getting the attention of the two women, who hid a package behind their backs. "Man, I'm glad to find you two... Have you seen the others? I've got a lot of intruders in my apartment, and I don't feel like dealing with those jerks alone..."

The looks on the women's faces were priceless, as they knew exactly who was inside Naruto's apartment.

Meanwhile, back at Naruto's apartment, Ebisu and Jiraiya picked themselves up from where the seal they'd tried to release had blasted them to. Jiraiya sighed and scratched the back of his head. "Man, that brat... he really outdid himself this time..."

"You're correct there Jiraiya-sama..." Ebisu moaned as he stretched out the lingering pain from his arms. He didn't know that the blonde knew how to manipulate lightning and fire chakra together in a seal. That was certainly high level fuinjutsu and Jiraiya had a right to be impressed, after all it was his pupil who had created the seal.

"I'm going to kill him..." Jiraiya stated calmly through gritted teeth, "I'm going to kill him, bring him back to teach me this seal, and then kill him again..."

Everyone looked curiously at Jiraiya, who was currently inspecting a pile of ash and slag metal in his pocket. Ebisu reached into his own pocket where he kept his money pouch, and noticed that it too was in a similar state of destruction.

"This is the thanks we get for trying to throw him a surprise party?" Kiba asked curiously to the others. "Never doing this again..."

"N...now K...Kiba-kun... I... I'm sure..." Hinata started speaking up, to grow oddly quiet as all eyes fell on her.

Shino meanwhile saved her, speaking up from his position in front of the kitchen doorway. "I believe she means that she's certain Naruto-san had a very good reason for this..."

"Didn't you say that he'd never celebrated this day before Iruka-sensei?" Sakura asked curiously from where she had settled in to rest after healing the two that had attempted to unseal them.

"Yes..." Iruka stated calmly, though one could see the twinkle of mischief in his eye that Naruto always sparked with his pranks. "At first it was because of... difficulties with the villagers while he lived alone... normally the Third and I would just bring gifts to him before the festival. Then after he got older, he just never saw it as a big deal."

"So... these '_difficulties_' might be the reason he locked us in here?" Tenten asked calmly while picking under her nails with a kunai. No one dared correct her on that, especially after Neji backed away carefully from her, protecting his hair. They also didn't want to ask about the fort she built around herself made entirely of senbon. Most just figured it was best to not let her get bored and left her alone.

"Most likely," Ichiraku added in from by the stove, waiting with a pot of water for Naruto's return.

"We can at least hope that Anko and Yugao will find him and get him to release us," Shizune added in from the couch next to Tsunade.

"We can hope..." Kakashi stated with a great amount of doubt in his voice.

Back with our intrepid hero with the two women mentioned previously, they had stopped in at Anko's favorite dango store, where they were currently stuffing as many dango as possible into Naruto while finding out more about his last mission, the seal on his apartment, the fact his toilet needed repaired, his worry about the missing friends, his thoughts on his birthday, and various other topics.

They knew where the others were, but most of them would owe them money if they got the brat there in another two hours. Not that any of them would likely remember with bursting bladders, but it was the principle of the matter. After all, this seemed like perfect teasing opportunity.

For Naruto's part, he decided, that despite the people who had broken in his apartment, this was the best birthday he'd ever had. Now if only he could find the rest of his friends...


	74. Youth Poisoning

Not for the weak of heart, stomach, or mentality. If Youth gets in your eyes, please flush with water for 15 minutes and contact poison control. If ingested, induce vomiting. If contact to skin is made, clean are with steel wool and bleach. If you're still reading this... _**STOP AND RUN AWAY BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!!**_

* * *

A lone figure stood up from the assembled throng and spoke out. "Dearest youthful people! I, as the most flamingly youthful person filled with the fires of the spirit of youthfulness present, I ask that you fall not to the unyouthful darkness overcoming your youthful hearts, for was it not the ever youthful Gai-sensei of the youthful dojo of Flaming Fires of Youth that said we must not stop until the entire village is completely flaming with the fires of youth? I say onto you, my most youthful and energetic followers, we must not fade into the dark and cold night that is unyouthful thoughts and actions, but rather we must let the youthfulness of your youthful hearts bring youth to the unyouthful, flaming fires of it until the unyouthful darkness is naught but an unyouthful memory of a nightmare. Come bearers of the youthful message of youthfulness, let us make the entire village completely flaming! ARE YOUR YOUTHFULLY WITH ME!?!"

As silence filled in the surrounding area, Naruto looked around to see everyone foaming at the mouth; pulling at the green spandex they had been wearing, as though to loosen it. "W...What is it my youthful followers, what unyouthfulness strikes you down in the prime of your youth?"

Gai walked up to Naruto and patted him on the shoulder. "I warned you most youthful Naruto; the power of youth needs to be used carefully... I fear you have caused an outbreak of youth poisoning..."

Tears streamed from Naruto's eyes as he hung his head. "I see... I failed you most youthful Gai-sensei... I must go into the wildness to train to be better," Naruto finished before snapping his head up and striking Nice-Guy-Pointing-Against-The-Sunset Pose #13, complete with waves crashing against rocked behind him and dramatic wind blowing. "I shall return when my youthfulness is better controlled!"

As Naruto ran out to gather his supplies, Gai thought back to the day his hip rival Kakashi left him with this prodigy of the powers of youth. If he could get Naruto to control his youthful powers, he would be the greatest force of youth to walk the planet.

And to think it all started with a competition between him and Kakashi... why he could remember it like it was yesterday...


	75. No Net Ninjas 4

**Reason #16: Wikipedia**

Naruto had only wanted to look up something on ramen, so he might better extol its virtues to the ignorant masses, but after entering the thirty-seventh hour, and five million pages read, he had to admit this website was very informative. Now that he finally took the time out to go eat the glorious wonder that is ramen, he wondered if there was something he'd forgotten to do.

Meanwhile across Konoha, his team was lost and glaring at each other. "I can't believe the dobe's phone number wasn't listed online..."

"It's not my fault Mapquest got us lost again..." Kakashi muttered sullenly causing the other two's eyes to twitch.

Sakura groaned and rubbed her forehead. "He'd been there before he said... Knew a shortcut he said... 'Trust me' he said... Stupid sensei..."

"Hn..." Sasuke agreed grumpily.

**Reason #17: Chatrooms**

Team seven stood at training grounds seven, as they had been instructed the night previously. They were waiting patiently for Kakashi to arrive to give them their test, and had been waiting since ten that morning. Naruto took a moment to look up at the moon high overhead, before grumbling.

"Hey, I'm going to go get some ramen for supper, want anything?" Naruto offered with a growl of annoyance. "He only said no breakfast, not lunch or dinner..."

"Hn... vegetable ramen for me..." Sasuke grunted out angrily while glaring into the distance, tossing over some ryuu bills. "Extra tomatoes if you could..."

"I'll have some Miso..." Sakura said quietly from where she'd crumpled to the ground. Maybe skipping dinner for her diet was a bad idea after all...

"Man... I wonder where Kakashi-sensei is..." Naruto groused as he took the money to fill the orders.

Meanwhile at his home, Kakashi was 'busy' with matters on the net. "Oh DolphinMaster32342, I think I'm falling in love! Punish me some more, shove that big thing into me again!"

The less known about that particular incident... the better for people's mental facilities...

**Reason #18: Giving them ideas is REALLY, REALLY BAD! Really it is folks...**

Tenten smiled warmly at her co-star Hinata Hyuuga as they set up their latest experiment. "Hello and welcome back to 'Will it Explode?' Today we're testing several household items to see if they'll explode. Hinata has supplied us with some hairspray, and Naruto is happily acting as our entire support crew. Let's begin..."

Stepping aside, Tenten connected two wires to the group of ten hairspray cans. Pulling them back behind the sandbag bunker, she and Hinata hit the dirt while a Naruto clone got the camera closer to the cans. "FIRE IN THE HOLE!!"

The resulting explosion not only dispersed the clone with the camera, but also sent the flaming piece of equipment flying.

Sasuke was casually munching on a tomato outside the marketplace when a whistling sound reached his ears. Looking around, he never saw the flaming object coming straight at his head until it was too late, for his hair.

The collision of the camera to his head not only knocked him out, but also lit his heavily sprayed hair on fire. The resulting fireball was short, but impressively large. Sadly after it disappeared, so too did the remains of Sasuke's hair.

Back at the abandoned quarry, Tenten looked at the smoke trail that had been the camera's flight path. "Uhh... Naruto?"

Naruto snickered as he got the final feed from the camera, that of a collision with that pompous asshole Sasuke. "Got it all and I can edited in the other camera's feed no problem..." Naruto answered while shutting the laptop, thankful that they'd gotten some backup servers to store the filming for editing.

**Reason #19: Nigerian Scam Letters**

Danzo smiled as he looked at the letter he'd gotten in his e-mail this morning. Apparently the war orphans of Amegakure had a fund set up to thank the Konoha shinobi that helped them out during the disastrous war against Hanzo. All he had to send was fifteen hundred ryuu to them and he could have more than triple that in a matter of weeks.

Transferring the funds he smiled blissfully as he started waiting for the confirmation of his money incoming.

Meanwhile several stories upstairs, Naruto smirked to Tsunade's look of utter disbelief. "And that... is how you rip him off..."

"I can't believe you did that..." Tsunade stated in pure disbelief as she watched what Naruto had just done. Already he was emptying the bank accounts of Danzo with dozens of clones.

**Reason #20: Online Dating**

Kakashi sighed as he sat waiting at the table in the dimly lit restaurant, checking his watch a couple times. He had for once been early, and was wearing his best uniform and even pressed his mask to make the best impression. He didn't know what he was doing though. After all, here he was, Kakashi Hatake, one of the most available bachelors in Konoha, waiting for his date.

It wouldn't be nearly as bad as it was, if it wasn't for the fact he had resorted to dating online. At first he'd done it to humor his students, and then he met YouthfulPrincess. She had been perfect; smart, witty, funny and an excellent conversationalist. So eventually they decided to meet face to face.

Adjusting the red carnation he wore on his lapel, he waited for his date. And that's when he saw something that would eternally haunt him, Gai wearing a little black dress that informed Kakashi about more than he ever wanted to know about the man that declared him his rival. And that's when it hit him, GAI was YouthfulPrincess.

Just as he was about to abandon Gai, the normally green clad man spotted him. "Eternal Rival... I... I can explain about my less than youthful..." Gai started before noticing the rose on Kakashi's lapel. "Oh..."


	76. New Intros 11

Kakashi looked over his new genin squad curiously as they sat on the roof, soaking up the sunshine. To say they were not what he expected upon reading their files would be something of an understatement.

First, he was pretty sure that Sasuke was supposed to be a human, Sakura didn't dress in blue dresses with rainbow striping, and Naruto didn't have a long sword. But he was fairly certain there was a perfectly logical explanation.

Looking at Sasuke again, he noticed that he was now a three-foot tall dark blue bear with a white belly, and a heart caught on fire, smack dab center on his belly. For some reason, he didn't want to take his eyes off him for too long.

Moving his attention a few feet to the left of said yard high bear, he came to Sakura, whose blue dress was so short as to be right out of Icha Icha, with a thick white trim around the bottom. On her arms were green, blue, purple, red, and yellow puffs, with a blue coff around her wrists with a yellow star on it. She had a yellow collar with red dots, which stood out more with the red suspenders, and rainbow belt she had on. Her boots were similar to her sleeves, started with thick whites on the top, then green, blue, purple, and red, orange laces, and yellow soles. There were stars all over her.

Shifting to the other side of the line he was happy to note that Naruto was currently in his orange jumpsuit and pretty much identical to his folder entry save for the sword on his back. He'd seen it before Naruto had sat down. It was an odd blade that widened out to about three inches across, with weird bumps flanking a blue gem. It then narrowed to two and a half inches, with more bumps. It also lacked a normal wrapping most swords had. Maybe Naruto hadn't gotten around to it yet.

Deciding to get things under way he sighed. "Maa... let's do some introductions..." he started, before holding up a hand to stop questions. "I'm Kakashi Hatake... you'll learn enough about me, but let's start with you Mr. Grin-and-bear-it..."

"Hn... I'm Flaming-heart bear... formerly Sasuke Uchiha..." the ex-human stated, "I'm living proof why one shouldn't mess with scrolls the older brother who killed your family left behind... I can do a unique attack called a Care Bear Stare... not sure what it does..."

"Right... we'll test it out later..." Kakashi answered cautiously while pointing to Sakura. "Spokeswoman for gay rights, you're up."

Sakura glared at Kakashi before sighing and standing up, a rainbow shooting out of her belt, coating Kakashi in a layer of rainbow coloring. As her teacher's eye twitched dangerously, she began her introduction. "I'm Sakura Haruno, also known as Rainbow Brite, the princess of Rainbow Land... I have made a friend with 'the most magnificent horse in the universe'" Sakura repeated as though by rote repetition while Kakashi was trying to place the Land of Rainbows and if he'd heard of them missing a princess. "His name is Starlite... That's all."

Kakashi decided to end this simply by pointing to Naruto. "You're up..."

He expected some loud proclamations about becoming the Hokage, and maybe some things about ramen, what he got was...

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki... Defender of the crystal castle..." Naruto stated calmly while looking at Kakashi dead in the eye. "I also have a beloved steed named Spirit... Fabulous secrets were revealed to me the day I held aloft my sword and said..." Naruto paused to hold up his sword which began to spark with lights. "For the HONOR OF GREYSKULL!"

In a blast of light, Naruto was replaced by a tall blonde woman in an outfit that made Sakura's look like a nun's habit. From ground up there were golden stiletto knee-high boots, a white micro-miniskirt with a gold beltline, a curious cold emblem on the ground, and golden wings off her breasts. Holding her long flowing blonde hair back was a golden open face helm with wings, a red gemstone set in the middle of the forehead being the only color. It matched the billowing red cape that he guessed was attached to the gold choker around her neck, though the dimensions for that were all wrong. The golden bracers on her arms were a nice touch. "I AM SHE-RA!" the woman proclaimed as the lights faded.

She smiled sheepishly, and fidgeted, "Only a few others share this secret... Light hope... Iruka-sensei... and the Hokage..." Kakashi blinked helplessly as images of the ones mentioned appeared in puffs of smoke, he wasn't sure, but Light Hope might just be from the Land of Rainbows... Maybe She-ra was supposed to be Rainbow Brite's guardian or something... right?

But She-ra wasn't done yet. "Together, me and my friends of the great Konoha strive to free the Elemental nations from the evil forces of HORDAK!" Kakashi stared blankly as a skeletal face being in a blue body suit with a black unitard preventing a complete Gai ripoff, that and the metallic belt, bone suspenders, and bones framing his head appeared. He was only mildly shocked when he leveled his left arm and fired the cannon replacing the actual limb directly at Kakashi. The light faded and Naruto was back with a sheepish grin on his face. "Sorry, that always happens..."

Kakashi stared blankly at Naruto for a minute, before sighing. "Right, meet up at Training grounds seven at ten tomorrow for your final initiation test... and I recommend not eating breakfast, you'll only throw it up. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to challenge Gai to a taijutsu match to the death..."

Before the students could question that, Kakashi was gone in a swirl of leaves.


	77. Konoha Leaves

Sakura and Ino smirked to the third member of their blockers, Mokoto who had just chucked the opponents jammer into the wall with a brutal upper arm smash to the poor girl's chest. Their pivot, Hinata, picked up speed, leaving the opponents entire team in the dust, while their jammer, Tenten, used the opening provided by the rest to slip through easily. When Tenten stood up and placed her hands on her hips, the rest of the pack smirked and slid into the pit where their manager was ready with water bottles.

Saki was the latest addition to their crew, and only assigned because of her experience with dealing with officials. The girls knew that officially she was just as savage as they were, but something only the Konoha Leafs knew was that she was a complete klutz outside of the managerial duties.

The victory celebration was short as they rolled into their locker room. Mostly involving Mokoto and Tenten blowing kisses to the audience, which was normal since they were the team flirts. Though anyone that knew the team privately would clarify that those two only had eyes for each other and the Pivot, but that was a secret so don't tell them you know.

Mokoto looked out the door to the locker room, while Hinata activated her Byakugan to check for bugs. Once they were certain that they were alone, they formed a huddle, and Tenten let out a sigh as she rubbed a new bruise on her ribs. "How long are we going to be doing this?"

"Tsunade-sama will call us back when we've finished the mission," Sakura stated by rote as she began working medical jutsus on Ino. Mokoto and Saki pulled away a little bit to talk about something else.

"I hope this is over soon..." Hinata stated quietly as she rubbed her left leg.

"I don't know Hinata, it's kinda fun..." Mokoto answered as she and Saki returned.

"Mokoto-sama's right Hinata-sama..." Saki answered quietly as she began using the medicinal ointment Mokoto had pulled out of the cupboard on Hinata's sore leg. "You are all doing wonderfully..."

"Can you really believe that's Sasuke?" Ino whispered to Sakura curiously.

Sakura looked at the subservient Saki and sighed shaking her head. "No more than I can believe Mokoto's Naruto... but they are both great actors..."

Mokoto took a position at the front of the room with a beaming smile, and a heroic pose. "We have done a great job today girls, now let's hit the showers and hope that Baa-chan's debt's paid off! I'll take last shower."

"We'll join you!" Hinata and Tenten crowed with wide smiles as Mokoto blushed and fidgeted. Meanwhile Sakura and Ino undressed to go take their shower, knowing Mokoto would spend the next fifteen minutes trying to convince the others to go before her. After the fifteen minutes Tenten and Hinata would drag her in. So it all worked out in the end.


	78. Hinata's Vengeance

Neji's mind groggily came around as he woke up from his sudden drug induced nap. Looking around he tried to see through the low light, his attempt to access his Byakugan informed him that his chakra system was completely screwed up from whatever drug it was.

After a few minutes he noticed a letter hanging in front of him. It took him another couple minutes to actually understand what the letter said, and when he did, a cold sweat broke out over his body.

"_Dear Neji,_

_You have wronged me deeply, but I will not activate your seal. Instead, you will be punished in another way. And remember, I LOVE YOU!_

_HH_"

Neji began struggling to free himself from the ropes and wires binding him into place. He had to get out before it appeared. It was horrible, it was vile, it was the purest form of evil ever conceived.

That's when he heard it. The soft whumpfs of its footfalls, and he began to cry. It was too late, he was doomed, because it was here.

It stood a good six feet tall, and the purple and green colors of its body belied its true insidious nature. The creature smiled widely at the poor trapped prodigy, and then opened its mouth. "I love you... you love me... we're a happy family..."

As Barney continued singing its mind destroying song, Neji let out a scream of pure terror, which no one heard from so deep under the Hyuuga main family house.

The poor tormented shinobi would be found seven days later after missing his bout in the Chuunin finals. His opponent Naruto would be the most concerned over the disturbing mental state of Neji. He was found in his room, rocking and mumbling out some random song no one could make out. Whenever anyone tried to press on finding out what was wrong, he'd simply break down in screams and tears.

No one wanted to know what this 'Barney' was, but someone would have to find out, to prevent it from being used against others. This horrifying weapon was too terrible to be in the hands of any one person.

Meanwhile, Hinata simply smiled and comforted the disappointed Naruto, who while shocked and horrified over his opponents apparent mental breakdown, was still disappointed that he never got a chance to defend Hinata's honor nor fight to prove he was ready to be a chuunin.


	79. Ghosts of the Past

Naruto sighed as he set to work removing the damaged area of the wall as carefully as his nine year old hands could. He really wished that people would stop destroying his apartment; it really got annoying having to fix everything. In fact, this had been the last part of the original apartment that he hadn't needed to replace. Removing the last piece of damaged paneling, he noticed that there was an odd box on one of the support beams.

Pulling the box out, he frowned seeing odd seals all over the outside of it. Setting it aside he went back to working on replacing the broken section of wall when something else caught his attention. There was a muffled mumbling sound from inside the box. Looking at the box, he could almost swear he heard someone pleading to be let out.

Kneeling next to the box, he tapped lightly on the box, getting a tap in response. Pulling out a kunai from his pouch, he slid it through the seals around the lid breaking them. Opening the box, he found a tiny female doll holding a hand over her eyes, with a weird white object beside her. The doll was wearing a sailor fuku and seemed to be very pale.

Reaching in, he picked her up carefully and carried her into the closet, where the light wasn't so bright. "Hey, you alright?"

The doll squinted up at him with a dawning sense of recognition on her face. "Negi-sensei? Did you come for me?"

"No... I'm Naruto... I don't know a Negi-sensei..." Naruto answered, stepping aside so she could see him better. When she saw the blonde hair and whisker marks her face fell as if a final hope was destroyed.

"Hey... hey... don't be like that... I'm sure we can find your teacher..." Naruto tried to reassure her as tears rolled down her cheeks. He never could stand to see a cute girl cry. "Let's start over... I'm Naruto Uzumaki, and you are?"

"Sayo Aisaka..." she replied between sniffles. He sniffles died off as the white object popped up over his shoulder and snuggled up against the poor girl. "Zumi-chan... she's still alive..."

Naruto watched the ghost girl hugging the object, and took in more details about it. It was an oval cylinder with a stick off the bottom of it, and two hollow ones sticking off the sides which he could feel air coming out of. There was a small lens that he recognizes as a camera watching over Sayo.

"Aisaka-san..." Naruto started before being cut off by the pale girl.

"Call me Sayo-chan please... let's be friends..."

"Sayo-chan... is that Zumi-chan?" Naruto asked curiously while pointing at the flying little device careful to not touch it. "No... it's one of her remote cameras... it wouldn't work if she wasn't still alive somewhere... Please Naruto-san, please help me find her... even if she's in the magical world..."

"I... I'll help you," Naruto answered while patting her on the head gently. "That's a promise of a lifetime!"

"I... I think I can trust you..." Sayo replied before glomping Naruto hard. "Thank you!"

Naruto hugged her back awkwardly before something occurred to his confused mind. After pulling her back a little. "Ano... what's the magical world?"


	80. High Seas Naruto

This one is free to take, just please let me know if you do so I can read it.

* * *

Naruto savored the spray of the sea air in his face, while the boat surged forth through the waters. His first command had turned out to be an unused class of ship known as a 36-gun frigate, it had been named the Kyuubi, but he'd decided to rename it something better. And so the Konoha Naval Ship the Kon raced the waves.

His task today was scouting ahead for the transport and the other escorts. Sasuke in the 56-gun ship of the line Katon, and Sakura in the 12-gun brigantine were hanging back with the trader galleon of the ship builder Tazuna who was working to build on the Land of Waves navel forces. Kakashi's 48-gun ship of the line, the Icha, was swinging wide to prevent deep water pirates from attacking them while they were in transit.

Two days earlier they had ran across the demon brothers, and fought them off. Now they were being more cautious, especially after Kakashi had sent a messenger bird back to Konoha. It was now dawn, and the weather was fair, unfortunately the horizon had a sail, and from what he could see out of his telescope, it was a big one. So he was holding up from charging in until the others got closer, instead he ran up a signal for the others and waited, cutting close to the wind to keep the enemy guessing on his heading.


	81. A Little Too Sweet

I blame Gouken 2009 for this once again... then again, I introduced him to Yumeiro Pâtissière so it might just be my fault too...

* * *

Hinata looked down at the perfect creation that she had given hours of labor and love to making. Everything about it was ideal, from the golden brown of the outer bun, to the dark swirl of cinnamon and sugar filling the inside with flavor, to the wonderful milky white frosting slowly melting over the top of it. Even the two inch high girl hovering over it with tiny little fairy wings, a creamy brown and white dress that blended in with her hair perfectly, seemed to be ideal. Yep, this was the perfect cinnamon roll.

Turning away, Hinata went to go start the dishes, when something struck her euphoria hazed mind. She didn't remember that little girl before. Returning her attention to the cinnamon roll, she blinked at the little girl watching her with a smirk. "Hello, I am Cinnamon! Nice to meet you!"

Hinata managed a nervous wave, while staring at the little girl bobbing in thin air over her cinnamon roll. Fortunately, the girl seemed used to this type of reaction, and just kept on talking, "I'm a Sweets Spirit, and I hope that you and I can be good friends! I'll help you with cooking, and become a Sweets Spirit before my cousin Vanilla!"

It was about that time that Hinata lost it, and just fainted. At the thud, Cinnamon turned and looked at the passed out girl worriedly, putting a finger to her lip in thought. "Maybe I should have given her more warning..."


	82. New Intros 12

Kakashi looked over his new genin squad curiously as they sat on the roof, soaking up the sunshine. To say they were not what he expected upon reading their files would be something of an understatement.

First there was the simple fact that he could have sworn that he was supposed to have two boys and a girl... not two girls and and a boy. He was also fairly certain that the pink haired one was supposed to be the girl of the group, not the boy.

Looking at the group, he sighed seeing the Uchiha was currently wearing a very disturbingly frilly black and white gothic lolita dress, the pig tails were a nice touch though. While the other girl was like nothing he was expecting, first she was brown haired and green eyed, not the blonde hair and blue eyed boy like he'd been expecting. The only one that was remotely close to his expectations was the gender-bent boy with pink hair and green eyes.

He hadn't actually checked in the trio in the room were the ones he was supposed to be teaching after all, so maybe he just took the wrong set. He just needed to check and see if they were the real ones or not. "Let's start with introductions, mmkay? I'm Kakashi Hatake..."

"Hi sensei, I'm Saki Uchiha, it's a pleasure to meet you," the pig-tailed black-haired girl answered quietly, so much so that Kakashi had trouble hearing her. "I hope to be a brave and loyal kunoichi to Konoha, and that I might find the man who'll help me rebuild my clan."

The brunette girl leaned over to hug Saki gently around the shoulders before speaking up, "I'm Mokoto Umino, Iruka's little sister... You're that major pervert he's always warning me about, aren't you? Anyhow, I used to be Naruto Uzumaki, but I decided that if I could enjoy life, then being turned into a girl for the rest of my life wasn't a bad thing. Also, only you three, Iruka, and the Hokage know my true identity. So... please don't say anything. Okay?"

Kakashi could only mutely nod his agreement at the insanely impossibly pleading look in her eyes. Sakura and Sasuke nodded their agreement mutely.

"Great!" Motoko proclaimed happily, "You're up Haruno-kun..."

The pink haired boy twitched violently, something that promised a lot of hurt to Mokoto if she ever said that again. Instead of hitting the girl, he just cleared his throat and waved to Kakashi. "I'm Sakura Haruno, a girl. Though with these two I can understand how you might mistake me for a boy," Sakura explained indicating the two very feminine girls next to her. It was true, compared to them, Sakura did look very masculine. "So, I'm just wondering... when are you going to change your gender sensei?"

"Maa... I'm happy as a guy..." Kakashi answered while scratching his masked cheek. "We'll have a little test to see if you have the right stuff to be kunoichi, mkay? Meet me at training ground 7 at ten tomorrow morning, bye bye."

Kakashi left the roof before they could respond, and decided to go ask Kurenai if she wanted to switch, since he couldn't figure out the mentality of women for the life of him. If he couldn't do that, maybe he'd just go read his Icha Icha Paradise novel in front of preschoolers with Iruka watching him. He'd either get arrested or killed by Iruka, so he'd not have to teach the girls. Yeah, that sounded like a great plan.


	83. The Bunny and The Fox

Inspired by a picture off of DA NaruHina: Pounce by rurounigochan, and discussion of it with Gouken 2009. I hope you all enjoy it ^.^

* * *

Hinata pouted as she hugged her stuffed carrot close, she didn't like it here. The other girls made fun of her bunny pajamas, and the boys were being boys. Looking around, she saw Ino and Sakura playing with a doll house, living out some dream life in their imaginations while playing with dollies. Hinata didn't know why, but there were no boy dollies in their playing. Instead they were stacked over on a pile by the toy box. Maybe it was because they didn't have pretty dresses.

Shikamaru was laying down against his friend's side, while Chouji munched away on chips. They looked comfortable, and she felt it best not to disturb them. After all, they probably didn't want to sit with a girl.

Kiba was sitting in the corner, with his puppy Akamaru in another one, being punished for something they did before she got here. Whatever it was, it must have been bad, since they'd been in the corners for over two hours now.

Shino was over in another corner, but he wasn't being punished. He'd just gone over there and started playing with the bugs there. Bugs didn't bother her in the least, but she felt that he didn't want anyone by him, he kept glaring at them through his shades. Or at least she thought he was glaring.

There was one other, but she couldn't find him. He had disappeared about a half hour or so ago, and she hadn't seen or heard from him since. Maybe he went home to his mommy and daddy, like she wanted to. But she couldn't because they were at that sick people place, getting her new little sister. That's why she was here with all the others, because normally her mommy and daddy wouldn't let her spend the night like this.

"Kon kon," the heiress heard, and whipped her head around trying to find the source. No one else seemed to have heard it, but she was sure she'd heard it.

Snuggling her carrot again, she sniffled and really wanted to go home again. It was scary here. She missed her mommy and daddy, and her cousin Neji-nii-san.

"Kon kon," she heard again, and clutched her carrot tightly again, closing her eyes. It didn't sound scary, just not right. Opening her eyes, she looked around once again to see if she could find the source of the sound, and again she did not see it.

Sighing she hugged her carrot tight and watched Ino and Sakura playing with the dollies again. And that's when she heard it again, louder, closer, and coming closer. "KON KON!!!"

Before she could look around, she was pounced on by something orange and white. As they rolled across the floor, she lost her carrot, and somehow ended up laying on her stomach with a weight on her back. Looking over her shoulder she blushed as she saw what had to be the cutest thing she'd ever saw. In an orange fox pajamas, with white tipped ears, stuffed tail, and feet, was a smiling blonde with whisker marks on his cheeks. "Kon kon Hinata! I gotcha, now you gotta do what I says!"

Squeaking and looking down, she began poking her fingers together with a pout. She didn't mind being caught by Naruto, but she would have liked to have known she was playing before the game started. Just as she was about to agree, her carrot reappeared in front of her. "Take this..." Naruto instructed with a smirk.

As she hugged it close with one arm, she felt the other get tugged along by the energetic blonde. "Come on! Let's go go go! Iwuka says if we hurry, he'll put on a bedtime movie! And I want us to get the bestests spots! Kay?"

Suddenly as she heard the trample of the other kids' feet behind them, she didn't want to go home any more. She liked this place, and the blonde that had made her feel wanted. With a giggle she began running beside him, still holding his hand.

In the other room, Neji smirked as he tucked away his coin purse and took his dad's hand. It surprised his father when he said he wanted to buy Hinata a gift, and even more when he gave the pajamas to Naruto, but now, pride filled the man's heart. Scooping up his son, and slinging him onto his shoulders, he let out a chuckle. "Let's go get some ice cream Neji."


	84. Honeymoon

Naruto savored the Sun spilling over him, as he clawed his way out, inch by painful inch. His entire body felt like one massive bruise, and the fox had given up trying to heal him a few hours ago. It had taken all his stamina, chakra, strength, and more shadow clones than he cared to try and count, but he had won through the night.

Looking up at the rising Sun he remembered seeing it rising twenty-four hours ago, before he had gone in to that... torture chamber! Letting out a small victorious chuckle he saluted the Sun, and began crawling out again.

His victory was short lived however, when he felt four pairs of hands on his legs, and a female voice purring. "And where do you think you're going Naruto?" Without looking back, he could identify each set of hands.

The soft and tender ones on his left knee were Hinata's pleading him to return with her touch. The rough and calloused ones on his left ankle were Anko's, she wasn't about to let him go now that she's caught him. The ones tugging lightly on his right ankle were Princess Haruna from the Land of Vegetables, she had come to Konoha just for him, and now she wasn't quite ready to let him free. The final set was the priestess Shion, who had shown up for him to fulfill a promise he had made with her long ago.

The spokeswoman for the group appeared in front of him, naked as he had left her sleeping on the bed, smiling like a cat that had eaten a canary. "We're not finished yet Naruto-kun..." she purred as her long delicate finger traced his whisker mark. Naruto had known that she was going to be trouble, being another jinchuuriki, but he had thought returning Yugito Nii's life to her would have had her grateful, not out to kill him. "After all, we still have another 26 days in this moon, and a lot of honey to go..."

As he was dragged back into the room, his fingers clawing furrows in the marble, he wondered why most guys couldn't wait until their honeymoon. It was as Yugito locked the patio doors that he realized the answer. Most men only had one wife.


	85. Wait What?

Naruto sighed as he walked out of the ramen stand, a good meal always made him feel better. It was at that moment when he noticed something odd. As far as he knew, only Sakura had pink hair, and she didn't hang out with guys that often. So now he tried to figure out who that was standing over there with pink hair, talking to some familiar looking guys, that he couldn't quite place.

The pink haired guy was wearing some red pants, and a maroon coat. The only thing that Naruto really could say was familiar was the white circle on his back. Next to him was a blonde with long hair pulled back into a pony-tail, with purple streaks through it. He was wearing a curious purple shirt that read '_Your girlfriend's hot!_' and black jeans.

Opposite of them was a brown haired boy twirling a kunai on a finger, while talking to the others. He had a large scythe strapped to his back, while wearing a pink shirt, that read '_Real men wear pink, got a problem with it?_' and blue jeans. He definitely seemed to be the toughest one of them. However, the one next to him made him wonder about his own sanity. While he was big and bulky, he seemed to be an exact replica of Sasuke from before he left.

As he got near, he heard something that really made him wonder if the world was about to end. "So Hinata, why'd you choose to look like Sasuke-kun?" the pink haired guy asked in a gruff but high pitched voice.

"Well... t...this w...way m...maybe I... I can gget Naruto-kun..." the big guy answered while blushing and poking his fingers together.

"Stop that Hinata, you're a guy, be confident! And just drag his uke ass into the nearest closet..." the blonde snapped while smacking 'Hinata's' fingers down. "Right Tenten?"

"Yeah, sure Ino, that'd be the right thing to do... or just ask him..." the one called Tenten answered, pointing behind the blonde and the pink haired one. As the pair turned around, Naruto finally placed them. It was Sakura and the other girls from the younger Konoha teams.

Naruto blinked slowly as he looked between the four of them curiously. After a minute of awkwardness, he took a deep breath and sighed again. "Let me guess, you're infiltrating a boy's only club..."

Sakura smiled sheepishly while Ino coughed into her hands. "Close... we're hoping that if we're boys, Kishimoto will give us super special magical powers."

"Ah... that makes sense..." Naruto answered while scratching his cheek. "So, how about we all go out and get some dessert? We can go do other things later."

"Y...you're not up...upset Naruto-kun?" Hinata asked nervously.

"Nah, this is about the most normal thing to have happened in this series since the start of the Chuunin exams," Naruto answered while heading over towards the bakery. "Besides, it's no worse than Iruka-sensei and Kakashi-sensei dancing the Cancan on the academy roof in full Moulin Rouge dresses..."

"True that..." Tenten answered with a laugh.


	86. Food of Youth

Gai blinked in confusion as he looked at the scroll his wise sensei had given him to study. It was the last and most youthful stage of his training. He had to learn and create the ultimate food of ultimate youthfulness. Pulling his students into his kitchen had been easy. Gathering the ingredients, easier still. Cooking... at this he paused and looked at the disaster area that had once been his kitchen, and his students, two of which tied and gagged with chakra draining seals in place, while the third stands watch. Well cooking wasn't too hard...

After all, he was pretty sure that sauce and dough thing would wash out of Neji's hair. And now it was time for the final step. "Cowabunga my youthful pupils! Let us enjoy this most youthful pizza as instructed by Michelangelo-sensei's scroll."

Setting the bubbling and lightly browned pizza pie on the table, he debated untying his students to eat. But the killer intent he felt off them, made him certain that it wasn't a good idea.


	87. Ten Years

Ten years.

That's how long it has been since that selfish bitch went and got herself killed, while killing that arrogant asshole that ruined everything. Both of them are gone now, but neither is forgotten. Not while he still wanders the village looking broken and destitute.

Ten years.

That's how long she's been watching over him, making sure he ate, getting him to train, keeping him alive, and falling in love. There's not a moment of his life for that decade that she couldn't tell you how it have killed her inside to be so close and unable to help at all.

Ten years.

That's how long it's been since that fateful encounter with the last remnant of Akatsuki, his greatest victory, and ultimate defeat. She could see it in his once dazzling blue eyes that he was a shell of the man that had won through so many battles.

Ten years.

It was ten years ago that Sakura and Sasuke killed each other, and the day of Naruto's last smile. It was ten years ago that Tenten was the one to bear him the news, and steal the smile away.

Ten years.

It has been ten years that Tenten has been trying to the smile she'd stolen. And now, ten years later she had to admit, she'd fallen in love with the broken man. Ten years of waiting, hoping for some sign that he was still alive.

Ten years.

Ten years to see a smile, to wipe away a tear, to hear a laugh, or even to hear him shout angrily. Ten years ago she hadn't even known Naruto, and now she was his shadow.

Ten years.

Ten years, and she's still failing him. Ten years and none of their age mates would talk to her. Ten years, and she refused to be acknowledged for anything. Ten years ago, she asked for the mission from her idol. And for ten long years she has died inside.

Ten years.

"Ten years is a long time to mourn Naruto," she whispered, but he couldn't hear her. After all, ten years ago, Konoha had died when Mandara exploded from his failed attempt to absorb all the chakra of the other tailed beasts, and the living can't hear the dead.

Ten years ago, Naruto became the last man alive.


	88. Spying no Jutsu 2

Mokoto Umino sighed as she looked around the area curiously. She wasn't sure how, but she'd managed to escape the hot water she had found herself in at the hot springs a week earlier, and avoided all contact with the others, under the guise of covering the civilians as well. A few kage bunshin floated around the areas for the kunoichi under new guises, but they avoided contact at all cost.

Taking a picture of a street stall, she sighed and tried to figure out what she was going to do now. The entire group were onto the Mokoto guise, and had tracked her down to three hotel rooms. After work tonight, she was going to head to the woods where she had set up a camping area.

As her attention focused on a group of school aged girls playing a game, she smiled and wondered if she had been a girl growing up, if she would have played games like that instead of being alone as Naruto Uzumaki.

As her shutter clicked its cycle she felt a prescience behind her, and a hand land softly on her shoulder. Even as her face fell in dismay, she heard the voice of Yugito Nii purring softly into her ear. "Looks like I found a little lost birdie..."

"Indeed..." voiced one of the kage level women she'd interviewed and taken pictures of before. Mei Terumī if she remembered right, the Mizukage if she remembered right. "Such a pity she's been on flight from us... isn't it dearie?"

"That's right Terumī-hime..." Koyuki Kazahana answered, leaning against the Mizukage's shoulder a little too casually. "And it seems that she's nervous..."

"Y...y...yes..." Mokoto answered, sounding roughly like Hinata on her worst days, backing away slowly from the trio of ninjas that had her cornered. "I r...r...really ssshouldn't d...d...disturb yyyou aaany mmmore..."

Her retreat was cut off by arms wrapping around her, holding her into place while the cheerful voice of Emiru whispered into her ear. "We worry about you Moko-chan... you left without saying goodbye... we just want to get to know you better..."

Mokoto noticed that she was trapped now, and with a whimper decided to go along with them. After all, she deserved this.

Little did she know just what this all entailed.


	89. Hunt for the Elemental Princess

Hey all, just a heads up, I'm going to be doing a Christmas special story starting on December 25th. Watch for it... and now for a bit of fun.

* * *

Temari grimaced as she looked down over the village below her. She knew that she was here, and she had to warn her before the invasion by Suna and Oto, maybe even get her out of here. Shaking her head, she wished she could say the name of the one she was looking for, but only one name did she know, The Princess of Elements.

It was her duty as Sailor Suna to protect her at all cost if possible. She didn't even know how she knew that she was in this village of the entire world, but something inside her told her. She had to find her, protect her, be her loving servant again. This was a duty that came before Suna, and would likely last long after the Elemental Nations were lost in the annuals of history.

Turning her head she tracked a sudden spike of energy. It wasn't chakra, but something far more primal and elemental in nature. There was another senshi in the area. Maybe they knew who the princess was, maybe they were in trouble. Either way she wanted to meet this senshi and compare notes.

Picking up the ferret that had wrapped itself about her legs, she smiled and started leaping across the rooftops, transforming on the way. "Well Subaru... let's go see who our new ally is..."

"Be careful Temari," the ferret answered with a curious twinkle in its eye. "Not all senshi were allies, so you might want to check it out before hand."

Temari's reply was cut off as a blast echoed off the alley walls up ahead. Chasing the blast was a cry of an attack that she never quite figured out why she had to make before doing the attack. But she wasn't quite sure what the hell 'Ramen Boom-boom Blaster' had to do with anything.

Making it to the alleyway where the fight was occurring, she looked down and was surprised at what she was seeing. A small waif of a blonde girl was fighting against a monster easily thrice her size, and what was more surprising was the fact that the monster was losing. The little girl had the monster pinned to the wall with ropes made of ramen, and was... arguing loudly with the fox next to her. "I am not just going to kill it! It was a human Kyuubi..."

"That's not much of an argument... remember how they've treated you growing up..." Kyuubi purred evilly as it started cleaning its fur.

Temari was surprised to see fox ears popping up on the senshi, while a tail trailed behind her. Instead of lashing back and forth angrily, it curled around and slipped into her arms where she hugged it. This gave Temari a chance to inspect the girl even more. The blonde hair caused the orange fox ears to stick out even more, while the orange leotard and blue skirt combo made her thankful that she got a nice and simple sandy brown and red costume. The boots on her costume were replaced by what Temari could only call pixie cut slippers, but she felt there was more to it than that.

Getting ready to jump down for a greeting, she noticed that the monster was getting loose, about the same time as the other senshi did. What happened next was certainly impressive, one moment the girl was insecure and vulnerable, the next she was facing the monster and summoning energy.

"HOLY RAMEN HEALING SWIRL!" the orange and blue clad senshi shouted as a swarm of noodles launched themselves from no where, and swirled around the monster. As the noodles receded, a person collapsed to the ground where the monster had been, an evil black jewel being drawn back towards the senshi, who simply fed it to the nine tailed fox beside her. "There Kyuubi, happy?"

"Much better, Sailor Ramen..." Kyuubi answered while licking its chops in satisfaction. "Now, how about you be friendly with our company upstairs?"

Sailor Ramen as she had been called turned to look up at Temari, and smiled brilliantly with sparkling blue eyes dancing. "Hey! I'm Sailor Ramen... you're new here... what's your name?"

Temari chuckled deeply in her throat before leaping down from the roof and landed lightly in front of the blonde. "I'm Sailor Suna... Have you found the Elemental Princess? I have a warning for her..."

The poor blonde looked so sad that Temari wanted to hold her and tell her that it would be alright, but it passed by too quickly, unless she looked deeply into those pained and haunting blue eyes. "No... I've been looking for her for almost a month now, and you're the first I've found to even know who that was..."

"We'll find her Sailor Ramen..." Temari assured the blonde, resting a hand on the shorter girl's shoulder. "I'll warn you now... get out of town tonight if you can... Oto and Suna are going to invade... We of Suna are against it, but the Kazekage insists..."

A swirl of emotions rippled through the blonde's eyes before she nodded. "I see... thanks for the warning, but I promised to defend this village, and with the princess being here... I've never gone back on my word, and I'm not going about to start now."

Temari felt her eyes widen as she felt the determination rolling off the blonde girl. "Can I at least know your name? I'm Sabaku no Temari... and I'd rather not fight you if I could avoid it..."

"My name?" the blonde asked nervously, before getting a nod from Temari, "I'm Uzumaki Naruto... and I don't want to fight you."

And with that she was gone, only a scent of ramen noodles hanging in the air. A moment later, the name clicked into place. Uzumaki Naruto was the blonde haird brat that had beaten the Inuzuka by farting in his face... And she was fairly certain he was a guy.

The scream of frustration rang out louder than the fight ever had.


	90. Orbs

Naruto was stumbling back to his apartment a battered and broken young boy. It was October 10th and once again he'd made the mistake of going out to try and get some food. The mob hadn't taken long to find him, and then the pain started. He'd thought he would have died when the Bear ANBU came in and saved him.

Staggering up the stairs, he barely made it his floor, when he noticed that his door was open. It seems that today there was more than one mob, one had been here, while the other beat him up. Now it was time to see the damage they'd done. Pushing his door open, he found to his dismay that they hadn't just torn everything apart and made a huge mess of his place, but they'd also broken a wall open.

Stepping gingerly around, he looked at the destroyed section of the wall and sighed as heavily as his young frame could manage. He'd have to set about fixing it later, but for now something else caught his interest. There was a small box inside the wall.

Curious he pulled it out and looked at the note on top. "The Power to Change the World."

Smiling he felt he needed that right now, something to make his world a lot better, so like any child with the answer to their problems in their hands, he opened up the box, and found... slimy looking multi-colored orbs. Sighing again he set the box aside, and accidentally spilled one out, to roll across the floor and hit his foot.

At first he thought nothing was happening, until the orb shot out tendrils up his legs and began spreading its off white color over his body. While that happened, he felt a strange warmth building deep in his body. No matter how much he struggled against the stretchy, sentient goo, it continued coating his body until he was covered head to toe in a shiny off white color, with orangish tips on the ends of his nine tails.

As this information processed through his mind, he found himself looking into a mirror, seeing the red orbs that had once been his eyes flicking under his fox ears and an explosion of hair streaming back off his head. Reaching up with his hands he ran his fingers through the hair and smiled at how soft it felt, in fact all his body felt like it was covered in downy fur. That's when a voice deep inside urged him to speak.

"I am Kyukon..." he said calmly with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. "I have chosen Naruto as my host, and soon my family will join us in defending Konoha... our new home."


	91. No Net Ninjas 5

**Reason #21: Online Gaming**

Gai looked at his team curiously, it was not like his delicate flower of femininity to be missing to a team meeting, and yet this was the third day that she was missing. He pondered where she was. Meanwhile, other teams were also missing members. Team Kakashi lacked Naruto, Team Kurenai was short one Byakugan user named Hinata, and Team Asuma was missing a certain lazy genius.

If anyone looked for the missing ninjas, their first stop would likely be their last, save maybe Naruto since he wasn't at the ramen stand. They were all in their homes, in particular their bedrooms, as they had been for three days straight, each with tired bloodshot eyes.

"Let's go for that big guy again..." Shika spoke up as he directed his wizard towards the towering giant of digital flesh. "Naruto, Tenten, go soften him up... Hinata, prep your healing spells and keep those lighter buggers off the two of them."

"Ready Tenten-chan?" Naruto asked teasingly as his axeman began hacking into the beast, crossbow bolts impaling minions around him.

"Tenten? I'm HEEEEEEEEROOOOOOO PANCAKES!" Tenten replied while unleashing a wave of steel from her weapons master. While she danced around hacking and slashing every inch of the beast, Naruto hammered away, soaking up the damage.

Hinata hung back keeping quiet, her shots were accurate, and she seemed to have supreme view of the entire battle, as she never had to turn her head to aim the shots. Which was good as her focus on the health of the front two was paramount to their victory over this boss.

Shikamaru smirked as he rolled up his digital sleeves. "I love the smell of sulfer in the morning... it smells like VICTORY!" A heartbeat later, a torrent of magical essence was unleashed, including a few spells that were painful to think about like Evan's Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion, but every little bit helped. If they beat this boss, they'd have completed all the missions for this server, and could finally move on. They would also be the first team to do so without being level 60, as each of them were level 55 right now.

Somewhere in the deepest recesses of their minds, they knew they were forgetting something, but the game Nations of No Mercy was so addicting, they couldn't think of anything else.

**Reason #22: Mapquest again**

Team Seven was lost. Again. It had been a simple mission really, head south, pick up a letter from the envoy, go east, pick up some supplies, return. So it came as a real surprise that five weeks after they should have been back, they were lost. The Hokage had given Kakashi a map even!

It must have been in that town, where they separated to get some lunch. Kakashi had mentioned that he'd had to check out. They thought he was going to an Internet Cafe to look up porn, but he had to have gone to that forbidden site again, they just didn't have any proof.

Sighing, the trio of gennins looked at their fearless leader with a mixture of contempt and loathing. They knew he'd gone there, and that he knew they knew. After all, he'd taken Sakura's GPS device from her before they made it to that town.

"Maa... don't look at me like that, I know almost exactly where we are..." Kakashi drawled out while reading his book. He'd been ignoring them, and repeating that for hours now. It was getting annoying.

That's when it struck them, the BOOK! The vile disgusting little abomination of a book, that's where he had to have hidden it.

In a blur Naruto was up and moving, setting up pranks ahead of them. It was up to the other two to distract the teacher until he was caught.

Five minutes later Naruto had the book, and Kakashi was glued to a tree. The proof was right there in front of him, it was print offs from the forbidden site, the site that the Hokage herself expressly forbade Kakashi from using for directions in Konoha.

Kakashi could only hang his head at the shame filled looks his students were shooting him.

**Reason 23: Please, no more ideas, you're killing us here!**

Naruto licked his lips as he surveyed the prank he'd set up. If it all worked right, it would be the most incredible thing ever done. If it didn't, well that's where evasion tactics came in.

Now it was time to wait for his victim to come along. Looking up the path he frowned as he spotted one person coming, but it was the last person he'd ever have wanted to pull this prank on. Iruka was just about to step on the first part of the trap. The marbles rolled under the mat with an almost fluid ease, sending Iruka skidding down the hill and into the bucket of glue being dumped upon him, then he smacked into a large down pillow covering him with feathers, after that Iruka fell down into a pit, only to spring out in a pair of huge orange boots, a beak, and a vibrant red cocks' comb, and the finale was that he was strapped into a neon pink bikini top with a slogan of "Try our breasts!" emblazoned on the front.

Naruto decided it might be a good time to leave the village for a few... eternities. Maybe he should have reread the prank's design before setting this one up, if he made it out of this alive, he'd have to tell the others on the forum about this.

**Reason 24: Anonymity**

Deep in the lair of Akatsuki, Madara Uchiha was fuming over the revelation of his great plan. Who could possibly have known that he was the true puppet master of the organization, let alone his Moon Eye Plan. That was safely stored on his hard drive under triple encryption, with multiple misdirections, under several dozen layers of folders. Beyond that his secret identity as Tobi was blown wide open. This set him back by several decades.

Meanwhile, deep under Konohagakure, another voice was growling out in annoyance. It seemed that he was being investigated for mutilation of corpses of Konoha ninja, unlawful actions, and attempted mutiny against Konoha and the Land of Fire. To say Danzo was not pleased about this leak of information was a major understatement.

While these two were cussing out whoever found out about their secret activities, the perpetrator was currently uploading video files of one Orochimaru visiting child pornography sites, to support the history files being sent in. Naruto smirked as Shika called out more evidence being found. This was the best d-rank ever.

**Reason 25: . . . Well, what did you expect?**

It's a peaceful day in Konohagakure, everything is peaceful and still as we pan over the training grounds where Sasuke is attacking a training dummy with Katon jutsus, meanwhile, Danzo is taking a shortcut through a corner with a chicken tucked under each arm. As we pan, we see Tenten and Hinata hiding behind trees, while a reflection off one of their headbands show the camera holder is wearing orange.

A moment later the two girls hit the ground, just before an explosion ripped apart the entire training grounds. Just before the fireball blinds the camera, the view pauses, and we pan back to see two men in ANBU masks watched the film footage of the shinobi in action. Turning towards the screen, Monkey sighed and shook his head. "Seriously folks, we're trained professionals, don't try this at home."

Walrus leaned in, while weaving his fingers together. "Ever!"

"Case in point, the trio of Naruto Uzumaki, Hinata Hyuuga, and Tenten... I can't pronounce that..." Monkey continued with a groan of dismay, "have caused several thousands of dollars of property damage, and personal injury to others, including one Danzo, an elder of their village."

"The myth of giving ninjas Internet access being safe? Completely busted..."

"Undeniably busted!" Monkey exclaimed for emphasis before ticking things off a clipboard, "These ninja in particular don't seem mentally sound, and half the stunts they pull would have been banned back at M5."

"Monkey. Don't mention our other jobs..." Walrus grumbled angrily at his partner

Monkey looked back over his shoulder at Walrus after a moment he sighed. "They know who we are, and we have one piece of advice..."

At this Walrus and Monkey grabbed the camera and pleaded, beret in Walrus' free hand. "DON'T EVER, EVER, EVER give a ninja a 'good' idea!"

"And definitely don't give them a bad idea," Walrus finished, with Monkey nodding in the background.

"I've never seen a man impaled with a flaming feather before..." Walrus muttered while heading away, shaking his head.

Monkey meanwhile seemed to skip away on cloud nine, "I have got to get some of those explosive tags..."

"ADAM!" Walrus roared from off screen a moment later, "GET BACK HERE!" A moment later, he charged after monkey.

* * *

If you want to see more of these, send me suggestions. Remember, don't give the ninjas the ideas, give them to the (ir)responsible fanfic author that controls their lives. Also, ways to get to the sites requested is appreciated.


	92. Amazon

Looking down on the city of Konoha, the leader of the fierce Amazon army frowned deeply. Something deep in her heart cried out that she belonged here, as the rightful ruler. She had never felt this stirring before when conquering a new ninja village. Brushing her loose blonde hair back out of her sparkling blue eyes, she felt her fingers alight on the whisker like scars that she'd had for as long as she could remember. Which wasn't much longer than five years, shortly before she'd been found by the Amazons, wandering around nearly naked, with no memory of who she was, nor a single clue of her past. The healers had told her that she'd hit her head hard, and that her memories were locked away for some reason.

As her eyes softened at the sight of the city, she heard the approach of her second-in-command, Hikari, a woman that had supported her since they had found her all those years ago. "General Haruko..." the red-head stated quietly with a salute. "Our scouts bring us news of their defenses. It is as we thought, the village is hardened against us. But we are ready my lady, just give the word and we shall overtake it like all the others."

"Hold for now Hikari..." Haruko answered with a dazzling smile that seemed to brighten even the darkest of nights. Her rapid ascension through the ranks had been in part because of her natural charisma, but mostly because her instincts in battle were never wrong. "I get the feeling that this one will fall without us having to assault. Just the same, I wish to address the troops..."

Leaving the overlook, the blonde woman strode proudly through the assembling soldiers. Each one had won more honor and proved their hearts more than ready for the battle ahead, and yet Haruko refused to risk them needlessly. To her each and everyone of them were more precious than gold.

"Brave sisters of the blade! Today I address you not as only your leader, but as your shield-mate. A year ago, I was given command over the campaign to capture the Elemental Nations from the foolish males that rule it, and today we face our last hurdle," Haruko proclaimed while looking around at each woman in turn. "Before us lay the great city of Konoha, who had once realized the superiority of woman in electing the Fifth Hokage Tsunade of the Sannin, but they have regressed and elected a man. Not just any male, but one well-known in all records as a perverted fan of a novel series that objectifies women, one Hatake Kakashi. We shall correct them of this folly!"

As the battle cry of her name rang out, she smiled her fox-like grin at her army. They were ready, for even though the shinobi and their kunoichi allies had many tricks and tactics that could baffle the Amazonian mind, they still had the might to push through and continue fighting them.

Something new happened to break their routine this time however, one of her forward guards came running up to her. After a quick salute, the guard presented her with an interesting change. "Lady Haruko, the village has sent out a party under flags of parley. The leader, the Hokage himself, is with them. They ask to speak with you... and up to two guards to match his two guards."

Haruko smirked devilishly as she looked around, it seemed that her instinct had been right again. "Thank you Kotone, you and Yumiko will be my escort..." the blonde general stated while signaling a diminutive blue haired woman over. The two were blushing with the unspoken compliment of their skills, and the fact that the general had remembered their names. "Hikari, you're in charge should something happen to me..."

"Yes my lady..." Hikari answered with a frown. Haruko knew why this was so, but the change in procedure was a necessary step. If Haruko fell, Hikari would avenge her death, as any that loved another would do.

Clasping Hikari's shoulder, Haruko smiled brightly at her second in command before leaning in and speaking softly "Trust me lover, I'll be back, and then you can scold me."

"Count on that," Hikari answered back with a playful growl to her voice. Haruko patted her shoulder gently before heading out to meet the parley group.

Her two guards strode purposefully towards the group of three ninjas. The obvious one was Hatake Kakashi with his masked face and forehead protector covering all but his right eye. He seemed older than she had expected, but that might have been a ninja trick to throw her off guard.

The one to his left was one of the traitorous kunoichi, her red eyes and black hair would have marked her as an Uchiha, but for some reason that didn't sit with Haruko as right. She believed that if there would be trickery afoot, it would come from this one. It was the third member that surprised her most.

He was by far the youngest of the group, with a scar running across his nose. He didn't have the battle hardened look of the other two, but his motions seemed to speak of great stores of knowledge. She had to admit a liking for the pineapple ponytail he sported, it made her feel safe. For some reason this guy was familiar to her, and by the stormy look in his eyes, she to him. A name sprang forth from the depths of her mind, whispering like the wind on the prairies, but she couldn't understand why she would think of him as a river dolphin.

As the two groups met in the neutral grounds between the village and the army, Kakashi looked over the group rather lazily. For some reason Haruko thought that he should be reading some vulgar orange book or something of that ilk. Pushing these thoughts to the side she spoke up. "You called us forth under flags of parley, but we have nothing to talk about. Save your surrender."

"Maa," Hatake drawled while Iruka frowned deeply. "It seems that you might be mistaken there General..."

"Haruko," the general supplied firmly, her eyes locked on the younger one's actions. Why was he so familiar to her? It seemed like she had met these three before, but that couldn't be, could it? She was from east of Tsuchi no Kuni, and had never been to Hi no Kuni before. "And I ask you to lift the Genjutsu you're trying to put me under..."

The dual head shakes of the subordinates in answer to Hatake's glance confused Haruko, but the Hokage pressed on. "We are not performing any Genjutsu, and would not violate parley like that. Not to who we suspect you are... Uzumaki Naruto."

At the name, the two guards were taken by surprise when their general staggered as a wave of memories began flooding back into her head. The scarred man sitting with her eating ramen, the silver haired instructor saving her life, the red-eyed one teaching a lavender-eyed girl, an old man with a pipe, a blond woman kissing her forehead. The surge of memories assaulting her caused her to step back, putting a hand to her head as though pained. "I told you, my name is Haruko... what are you trying Hatake?"

The scarred one stepped forward at Hatake's bidding, holding his hands out to the side for the guards to see he meant her no harm. "Nar... Lady Haruko... What the Hokage meant was that you look similar to the form of a jutsu one of our missing and presumed dead ninja," he stated soothingly, while the guards gripped their blades. "You recognized me when you were coming here... Do you know my name?"

"Umino Iruka..." Haruko answered before clenching her teeth and shaking her head as though to clear it. And yet more memories flooded forth. A white-haired man in red peeping in on the women's baths, a battle against a boy that she thought of as the lavender-eyed one's cousin, a boy with bugs inside him laughing insanely.

"That's right..." the now named Iruka stated calmly with a broad smile.

"Call off the assault, we'll open our gates, and hold a truce," Kakashi stated quietly, indicating the opening gates behind him. "Let's go have some ramen, to welcome you home... your seat's waiting for you..."

Haruko frowned in confusion as she looked at Hatake's hand like a viper waiting to strike. Something told her that this village was going to be nothing but pain for her, still something told her that it would be alright to trust him. Clasping his hand she turned her frown at the masked man before him. "If I am not satisfied with your proof, I will hunt down each of you three, and kill your ninjas in front you... and then raze the village."

Hatake gave her a smile that had his eye turning into an upside-down u, something that she felt a deep seated need to punch off his face. Before he could say anything, the one named Iruka cut in. "I'm sure you will find our proof more than adequate..."

"Fine..." Haruko stated before turning to Yumiko, "Go, bring General Hikari, I believe that she should be present."

As she waited for her lover's arrival, she felt something she hadn't felt ever since being found by the Amazons, she felt like she was coming home, and complete. But she felt deep down that something was coming that would destroy her life forever.

As long as Hikari was with her, she felt that everything would be fine.


	93. Nins Next Door

Naruto sighed as he leaned against the railing of his clubhouse overlooking the city of Konoha. It had been five years since he took the name of Numbah Kyu(9). When he'd been recruited the former Numbah Ichi(1) was adamant about forming a team he could trust no matter what. He really wished for Itachi while he was just starting up, but he had decommissioned the agent himself.

The first person he recruited was Numbah Hachi(8), a steady rock he could always depend on to keep him grounded. Shino was the smartest boy he trusted, and could pull away from headquarters, or else he'd have taken Shikamaru in a heartbeat. To be honest the stoic bug user in training scared him, but Naruto knew that he was loyal... despite calling him 'queen' all the time.

After him came a shy girl that Shino had recommended, and proved to be an invaluable member of the team. Hinata had taken the title of Numbah Nana(7), and became the pilot and science member of the group. She was absolutely brilliant with creating two-by-four technology, and pulling out just the right plan if Naruto didn't have one.

Then they got an older adviser member, Tenten or Numbah Zyuu(10), she was a year older than he was, but followed his orders perfectly. She also seemed to be obsessed with helping Hinata with new weapons and came in very handy as the gunner on the crafts. Her accuracy set new records at the KND:HQ, and to be frank, she was scary intense when firing off weapons.

The final member had barely cleared the tests to make the primary squad instead of the backup squad. Numbah Roku(6), was a bit of a fashion obsessed girl, but was a good solid member of the squad. If only she didn't have such major issues with Numbah Go(5) over Numbah Ichi. He couldn't even understand what Sakura and Ino saw in that Sasuke-teme, but it did keep them on edge. Now he just had to figure out a way to keep them apart.

The HQ had given him the primary responsibility over protecting Konoha from the adults, despite the other squad being lower in the count. It was especially odd that a number in the middle of the count was in charge, but the others deferred to him in the majority of the problems, and so he continued being the leader. The problem was he was about to get a new squad of kids to train up, he was being decommissioned soon, and had to have the replacements ready.

The profiles on the group didn't look promising, but he was fairly certain Itachi thought the same when he got Naruto's profile. He did see one that stuck out in his mind, and felt that he'd be a good replacement leader. He had to wait until Numbah Zyuu(10) arrived for their meeting.

Sidestepping he snagged the long scarf that was falling past right where he had been. "You're late Zyuu, not a good quality in a leader..." Naruto stated with a smirk as the brown haired boy pulled himself up.

"Yeah, yeah, I'd have gotten you if you hadn't moved..." the brat groused while glaring defiantly at Naruto. "So you're the primary squad leader... you don't look like your profile says..."

"They don't update those for active members Konohamaru," Naruto answered while leaning against the railing again, pointing out towards the village below. "Take a good look kid, all that you see is what you're responsible for. Think you're up to it?"

"Damn straight I am, I'm going to be the best! Better than even you!" Konohamaru proclaimed jabbing a finger at Naruto.

"Not until I say you're ready brat... not until I say you're ready..." Naruto answered, echoing the words Itachi had told him all those years ago. Oh yeah, this was going to be fun.


	94. Bell Test 2

Kakashi had seen many things in his life, and so he thought that he'd be more than ready to face off against a trio of gennin in a simple test to see if they were ready to become his pupils. He was wrong.

The first clue should have been when he saw Sakura twirling around a sword easily seven feet long like a feather. The second should have been that instead of her normal outfit she was wearing what looked to be a solid metal breastplate, her left arm was covered in a plate mail sleeve and gauntlet, with her right arm less armored. Her feet were also encased in plate mail. She was also wearing a pink skirt to match her hair.

After that should be the small fact that Naruto was standing next to Sasuke with an evil smirk on both of their faces. There was also the faint smell of unidentifiable elements in the air. But he'd chosen to ignore all these subtle little warning signs, and explained the rules of the test to his pupils. After the word 'go' had passed his lips, hell had broken loose.

He didn't know how Naruto could summon huge fireballs, bolts of lightning, tentacles that got too close to violating him in uncomfortable ways, and creatures that he'd only heard about after a person had taken some poisonous mushrooms on a mission, all without using a single drop of chakra, but he was certain that the reason Sasuke and Sakura were currently blurring around him, hitting like Gai, and dodging like hyperactive monkeys could be traced back to the smirking blonde.

Focusing on the two offensive players had been his downfall in the end, after all he had thought he'd moved out of range of Naruto and his weird powers. Oh, how wrong he was.

Now instead of eating lunch in front of them, he was watching as the three of them munched away on the bentos he'd brought, debating over which of the three got the bells. All the while he couldn't move so much as blink his eye.

Oh, he was going to make them pay for what they'd done to him while he was paralyzed in a defensive block. The pulling down of his masks to see what he looked like he could understand, as he could the taking of the bells and some ninja tools they couldn't buy yet. But did they really have to dress him up in a tutu as though in the midst of a ballet?

No, no they didn't, and thus it would be hell for all three of them. Just as soon as he could move again. He'd torment what this weird 'magic' was as Naruto called it out of them, and after that, he'd make them beg to go back to the academy. BEG DO YOU HEAR ME?!


	95. Thousand Years: Second Try

Sunrise.

Over the course of his life he'd seen a countless number of risings and settings of that flaming orb of burning gasses floating out there in space, and yet he noted that never had he never found two sunrises that were exactly alike. It was as though the light was burning away the old to supply a new hope for the future.

Looping his three foot long blonde ponytail loosely about his neck he sighed and started heading into the city to gather supplies for the coming week. It still marveled him how much stayed constant throughout the centuries. His few meager ryuu had translated into a substantial amount of gold and silver, which in turn turned into a larger amount of yen, and then he had converted half of that into credit at a bank which expanded upon the amount within yearly. He had found shortly after that, that he could live easily off of the strange addition of money that the bank called interest for an entire year, when they added more.

He had always been a rather frugal person however, and so felt that it was only fitting to live off the margin instead of the majority. Walking past his vast mountainside fields that served as his garden he smiled, remembering the care and tenderness he'd used to start each and every field. At first he could do all the work by hand, and then he began summoning clones to aid him, but now it was all nature's doing that shaped the fields. Many were the school hiking trips, that he sponsored, that came to enjoy the beauty of the mountains and his hospitality at the campsite.

They often marveled at the ease he started fires with, how he gathered roots and herbs to spice up the meal while they walked along. Long ago a child with a curious scar across his nose asked him why he didn't have a car or a truck or something to go into town. Naruto had simply sat the child down and told him to be silent. As the night closed in around them, the child had experienced it too, the singing of nature, the gentle smells of the woodlands, and the warmth that comes from being one with nature. Thinking about the boy, he wondered what had become of him, and what exactly his name had been.

He had long since forgone asking names, after all, a few centuries in, and he found he still remembered every single name of his village caused him a lot of pain. But that was in the past, and his mind returned to the present, turning the final twist in the path before the city, he ran over the list in his mind of what he would have to purchase for the next couple weeks. If he got lucky and found a sale, he might just be able to pick up some ramen while in town. That little thought added an extra bounce to his step.

His first stop was the postal office, for mail and his yearly bank statement. As he was exiting, he nearly ran into someone walking towards the entrance to his path home. Apologizing, he was about to continue on when the man asked him to wait a moment.

Turning back around, he looked at the man fully for the first time. The scar across the bridge of his nose was oddly familiar, but beyond that, in the deepest recesses of his memories, the image of Iruka-sensei overlaid this man. His musings about the fox waking up early to play tricks with his mind were interrupted when the man spoke. "Uzumaki-san, I'm glad I caught you while you were in town. I was actually just about to head up to your house. I'm Iruka Umino, and I visited you several years ago... Don't know if you remember or not..."

"You were the one I sat down at night to experience nature," Naruto answered to Iruka's shock. It helped him cover his own shock at having met the reincarnation of his favorite teacher twice in the same natural lifetime.

"That's right!" Iruka responded in surprise, his eyes visibly widened, "That night changed a lot about me, helped me to settle down and become a teacher. I even helped to start an after school club for the boys and girls of my school district to spend time in, rather than alone since many parents are working..."

Naruto nodded with a smile. The centuries may have changed, but Iruka was Iruka, was Iruka. It was nice hearing that he'd gotten involved in children again, since he was always good with that. "And recently a group of them just graduated from the scouts into the Shinobi and Kunoichi programs, to celebrate they asked that a few of us teachers take them for a camping trip at the Uzumaki mountain from my stories. So I was wondering if you wouldn't mind us visiting for a week sometime next month..."

Naruto's laugh was as bright and dancing as the early morning sun through a crystal wind chime. He loved having kids around his mountain, and hadn't made any plans for so early in the year, since the spring had just settled in. But if his calculations were right, it was just about time for the summer vacation season to begin. "Sure thing Umino-sensei, I'd love to have them. Tell the train station to bill my account for the tickets, and I'll pick you all up when you come."

"Oh wow, thank you," Iruka gushed as he shook Naruto's hand, "We'll be in on the first of next month, it's the Saturday after our school lets out."

As the two parted ways, Naruto felt like celebrating the good news. Pulling out an ancient, battered looking frog shaped wallet, he opened it to pull out a couple thousand yen, heading for the nearest ramen stand, almost as good as the original Ichiraku ramen over a thousand years ago, and began his feast.

A month later, he was back in town, smiling like the fox that had just entered the hen house. He had several of the best campsites prepared for the kids to chose from, and had a great harvest of his spring garden. Now he just had to wait for Iruka and company to arrive.

After a few minutes he found them making their way over. The kids he could have sworn were hand plucked out of his memories of the original Konoha 12, and Sai dressed up in more modern outfits and carrying uniform packs that looked to be military surplus. He almost laughed when he saw the Sakura and Ino pair hanging off a very embarrassed Sasuke's arms. If they were anything like their ancestors, they were barking up the entirely wrong tree. The Hinata stand-in hung back with what seemed to be an overly protective cousin and his friends, the girl who'd have passed for Tenten was holding the younger's hand and talking with her. What surprised him was that it seemed Team Baki had joined the others, as Temari was pestering a rather annoyed Shikamaru while Gaara and a brunette boy that reminded him of Kankuro without the war paint seemed to try and distance themselves from her.

Behind the kids where the adults, first came Iruka, who was trying to save Sasuke, then the Kakashi clone, who was wearing an allergy mask for some reason, trying to tease the boy into doing some fun things. Gai and Asuma were trying to horde the kinds in something of a unified direction. Anko and Kurenai were hanging back to net the stragglers, which included a chip munching Chouji and a Shino that seemed more interested in following ants then anything else. Kiba and his very attractive, if wild, older sister brought up the rear with a small white dog in an animal carrier he assumed was for the train.

Iruka pulled away from the group and rushed over, again he shook Naruto's hand before speaking. "Thank you again Uzumaki-san, the kids have been very excited to come ever since I told them I met you. Kiba insisted on bringing his dog Akamaru, I hope that's alright."

"Of course it is, I should have told you that pets were welcome to come along, so long as the owners cleaned up after them," Naruto explained with a smile as Kiba all but ripped the travel case's door clean off to get at his dog. "And that must be Kiba there, and his sister? Is she staying too?"

"Yes, that's Kiba and his older sister Hana, she has a veterinarian conference in town this week, and would have taken Akamaru if you had said no," Iruka explained, before indicating the adults. "These are the others that help run the program, save a couple that opted to stay back for the other groups. Kakashi Hatake's the one with the mask, I searched him, but he'll probably be reading porn before we make it onto your path home..."

Kakashi merely waved lazily at the insinuation, as though it was all too common and true for him to care. "Next to him is Maito Gai, don't ask about the green spandex bodysuit, nor the one on his ward Rock Lee. You don't want to know..."

The green duo merely gave joint nice guy smiles and thumbs-up, which while nostalgic, made Naruto cringe inside. For some reason he heard old foxy whimpering and cowering in his cage. "Then there's Asuma Sarutobi, he's promised to not smoke for the week we're here... and brought the patches and gum to help him. He's also promised to clean up after himself."

Naruto could already see the tic of a nicotine fit in the corner of Asuma's eye. "And his wife Kurenai Sarutobi brought her friend Anko Mitarashi to help us keep an eye on the entire group."

The two ladies nodded their heads towards Naruto, however the blonde could almost swear that Anko was sizing him up for leather shorts and fuzzy handcuffs. He might just want to use the locks on his tent this week, lest he give the impressionable youth a lesson that Iruka would likely kill him over. "Our sister school had sent over a group that was interested in joining, unfortunately their teacher got a rather nasty case of pink eye, and won't be joining us. The three are Gaara, Kankuro, and Temari." At their name, the three waved politely.

"And our students are Tenten Mizuno, Neji Hyuuga, his cousin Hinata Hyuuga," Iruka continued, indicating the older two students and the shy one. "Hinata is rather shy, so don't be too offended if she doesn't talk to you."

After an indication of that being fine from Naruto, Iruka continued on. "Sakura Haruno and Ino Yamanaka are the ones latched onto Sasuke Uchiha's arms... Girls, mind your manners and let go of him!" Iruka bellowed, pulling off the Demon-head no jutsu with such precision that Naruto almost wanted to go find a chalkboard to write he'd be good on a hundred times. Almost.

"Behind them is Chouji Akamichi, who has promised to keep his litter picked up, and Shikamaru Nara, one of the top students in his grade." Naruto couldn't help but smile as Shikamaru simply rolled his eyes and grumbled about troublesome teachers bragging. "And the two loners are the artist of the group Sai Tanto, whose step father Yamato Tanzo wanted to come, but had to stay back with the others. He is a little socially awkward, but means well..."

Naruto nodded, barely keeping a smirk off his face as Sai set about sketching a bird he saw sitting on a branch. "And finally, over to the left is the future entomologist of the group, Shino Aburame, be careful or he might just clean out your garden of insects."

The shades wearing boy turned his head and studied Naruto silently for a moment, a faint buzzing noise coming from inside his coat. After a moment he spoke, "I won't take any of your insects Uzumaki-san... their natural habitat would be best for them. You are... different..."

The entire group seemed shocked that Shino had spoken, let alone to a complete stranger, especially the teachers, but Naruto took it all in stride. "Yes... yes I am, but you'll never know how different unless you ask questions Shino. But let me introduce myself, I'm Naruto Uzumaki, and I'm going to be your guide on Uzumaki mountain for this week. I hope you all can enjoy your stay."

Little did he realize just how much he would be revealing about his long secret ninja skills in the following week, nor that he'd end up as the instructor for the teachers and students in the way of the shinobi, and some of the kunoichi skills. He'd been really bored for about two hundred years and spent a couple lifetimes learning the kunoichi way of life, but that's another story.

He never did figure out how Gaara was sealed with Shukaku again, but it was a blessing that this time it was done right. Maybe he should have taken the meeting of the reincarnations of his former friends as a sign that fecal matter was going to impact the rotary impeller, but for now he was just going to enjoy a couple days camping.


	96. Spying no Jutsu 3: City of Women KYUM?

Motoko Umino groaned softly as she staggered her way back into Konoha after her long and confusing mission to the hot springs festival. Thanks to a lucky incident where the kunoichi had to track down some guy that had somehow made it into the festival, her secret identity remained just that, a secret. She still wasn't certain if they meant to interrogate or rape her, but either way she was mostly relieved to be safely home in Konoha. Once through the gate, pausing only to flash her identification, and to get instructed to go right to the Hokage's office, she staggered onward.

Her mission report, and the delivery of the pictures taken was all a blur for her. Instead of going to Naruto's apartment, Motoko drifted towards Iruka's home since she was supposed to be visiting him for the next week. The only problem was the tiny fact that Iruka was gone on a week long academy training trip, and no one had felt that Motoko might be needing a key to get into the house.

After a few minutes of pounding on Iruka's door, and knowing better, even in her sleep addled state to try and get in without him home, Motoko did the only thing she could think of doing. She turned around, leaned her back against the door and passed out.

Her pleasant dream of anally violating someone with the Forbidden Scroll of Sealing sideways for her previous mission was interrupted by the shaking of her shoulders. Opening her eyes, she blearily looked at the woman waking her up, and suddenly wished to be anywhere but here. For right there in front of her was Anko Mitarashi, one of the many to not know about her double life. "Hey, you're Iruka's little sister right?" At her nod, the trench coat clad woman smiled and started dragging the sleep deprived not-quite-a-woman along. "I promised him you could crash at my place while he's gone. But since he's going to be gone for the week, I'm going to take you to K-YUM after you get some sleep... and a shower if you want."

Motoko was about to ask what K-YUM was, but Anko kept rambling on about something, and really she couldn't be bothered, since she was half-dead on her feet already. The trip to Anko's house next door was a blur, as was the few staggering steps to the couch. If it wasn't for Anko pushing her onto the couch, she was pretty sure that she'd have just stayed where she had stopped, sleeping while standing upright.

The next awakening was to something much more pleasant than being shaken and someone shouting at her. The smell of fresh red bean soup and dangos filled her nose, as her eyes opened to find Anko sitting there waiting with a huge grin on her face. Sitting up slowly, Motoko wiped a bit of drool from the corner of her mouth. As the blush formed on her cheeks she stuttered out, "S...Sorry about that... Mitarashi-san, was it?"

"Anko's fine," the snake summoner waved it off childishly, while pointing to the food, "Eat up, we're going to be busy tonight."

"Busy?" Motoko inquired before taking a drink of the soup. It wasn't bad, wasn't ramen, but it was still a good soup. Unfortunately, it should never be taken nasally, as she soon found out.

"I told you, since you're new in town, I'm going to take you to the City of Women, deep under Konoha, and go to their Yaoi market," Anko proclaimed proudly, just in time to cause the poor Motoko to snort her soup. "Ah, come on, don't be a stuck in the mud prude like your brother... I won't tell if you won't..."

"Ah... Anko-san..." Motoko began nervously, while chills danced over her spine. She was in deep now, and her mind was working overtime to get out of the trip to what she assumed was to be a strictly no man zone. "I... I'm new here... and won't the others be upset that an outsider is intruding like that?"

"Nopers," Anko declared before snarfing down a dango dumpling. "Shee, wesh awwl shaid dat yoush coult uush ma bith o' 'un a'tah bein' stuck wif Iwuka."

Thankfully after years of talking it while slurping ramen, and listening to Iruka doing the same, Motoko knew what Anko was saying. "Iruka's fun Anko-san... and well... I haven't always lived here remember? I just found out about Iruka recently and came to visit..."

Anko swallowed the dumpling in her mouth, before looking at the ceiling in thought. After a moment, and Motoko finishing her soup and starting on a dango skewer her mind finally made the connection. "Oh yeah... Tsunade said that you were found and taken to be raised out in the country... some kind of magazine photographer..."

"That's right Anko-san..." Motoko answered pleasantly, before taking a small bite of dumpling, having had table manners pounded into her rather thick skull before she left on the hot spring trip from hell by the Hokage and Iruka. "I just came off an assignment at the Princess Hot Spring Festival over in the Land of Ice, in fact..."

Anko cut her off before she could claim to want to relax for a bit. "Oh yeah? That sounds awesome, you have to tell us all about it at GT..."

"Us? GT?" Motoko asked, that familiar feeling of dread filling her stomach with ice.

"Oh yeah! You wouldn't know... GT is GirlTown, the bar down in the City, and us is the usuals... Me, Kurenai, Yugao, and some of the younger girls like Sakura, Hinata, Ino, and Tenten... they're great girls, lots of fun," Anko bragged gleefully before eating another dango. Meanwhile, Motoko was calmly, and quietly freaking out. That's when a tiny bastion of hope struck her.

"You said it's a bar, this GT?" Motoko asked quietly, earning a nod from Anko. "Then I can't go I'm afraid, I'm a minor, and since I'm not a ninja..."

"Awww..." Anko pouted miserably, but Motoko's years of pranks told her that the gears were turning in the other woman's mind. And thus she had her mind whirling in a way to cut her off. Never once did it occur to the honorable mind of Naruto Uzumaki, hidden behind the veil of Motoko Umino, was that this was a guy's dream, to enter into the secret of world of girls, and finally get an insight into their minds. Instead, he thought of one thing, if he went into the City of Women, he would not be coming out in one piece.

Unfortunately for Motoko, Anko was just a step faster in her thinking. "That's okay, we'll just go to the Hokage and get you a special pass. That way you can enjoy yourself while your brother is away."

Motoko figured that it would be safe to trust in the Hokage denying her access.

So she was just a little surprised that four hours later, despite all her silent protesting and pleading, she found herself sitting at the bar of GT, with the 'usuals' as Anko called them, plus Shizune and Tsunade holding some drink that smelled like mango, but from what she saw of the bartender pouring in, would probably knock her flat on her backside if she did more than sip it.

She thought she would have died when she went through Konoha's Yaoi Underground Market, and then even more when Anko realized that yaoi wasn't her thing, and instead drug her towards the Yuri market. Mercifully Kurenai had intercepted them before Motoko had entered the decidedly girl only area, and helped Anko frog march her into GirlTown.

"So Motoko-san..." Tsunade began while sipping a saucer of saki, "I got to look over those photos you brought in for the magazine, I have to say that they were adorable. They were delivered to your publishers, since we took them from you, and they promised you a healthy bonus for the quality of your work."

"Thank you Hokage-sama..." Motoko replied politely under the thumping music from the band on stage. She still couldn't figure out how they couldn't be heard from outside, even with silencing and privacy seals in place. "I hope you saved the negatives, since there are a few I'd like to add to my portfolio..."

In truth, Motoko really wanted a few of the kids playing, since it was something she never had growing up, but the rest could all be tossed. "Oh yeah, I'll have to get them back for you, your publishers said they'd mail them."

Leaning in, Motoko gave the Hokage the most pleasant grin that she could possibly, while an aura of death and dismemberment surrounded her. No one else even looked near the bar, having this sort of thing happen regularly. "I do hope you got the right one... just so I know, who did you send it to?"

"Oh, I don't remember the name, but it was the Women's Beat magazine company," the Hokage answered back with a nonchalant smile of her own. That was all it took for Motoko to get the target of her revenge. Somewhere in Konoha, Jiraiya shivered and decided that writing out a will might be a good idea, but couldn't say why.

Back in GirlTown, Motoko blinked as she realized that the music had stopped, and every single pair of eyes were focused solely on her. Gulping nervously she shrunk down and squeaked out a "W...what?"

Anko supplied her the answer by leaning in and whispering, "Women's Beat is the official magazine of the City of Women... you have just obtained a legion of fangirls... I'll give you five before they start mobbing..."

Flashbacks of Sasuke's fangirls mobs filled Motoko's mind for half a second, the next four and a half seconds found her bolting from the bar, followed shortly by the rest of the occupants, save Tsunade, Shizune, and the bartender. "That wasn't very nice Tsu-chan..." Shizune whispered while the bartender set to cleaning glasses at the other end of the bar.

"No... no it wasn't..." Tsunade answered with a cruel smile of her own. "But 'she' deserved it..."

Shizune turned back to her drink, and tried to puzzle out if it was a good or bad thing that Motoko had done to deserve her own fangirl horde. And then remembering exactly who Motoko was, decided that it was probably both, and drained her glass. If Motoko survived this night, she would buy her a month's worth of ramen.


	97. Leaping the Fourth Wall

Naruto looked over the mass of clones repairing some massive wall that stretched from horizon to horizon. He didn't know what it was, but some guy named Misashi Kishimoto had commissioned for a ninja to repair it, and he got the lucky pull for this S-ranked mission. He and Kakashi, that is. But Kakashi promised him the full payment if Naruto was able to do the entire thing alone.

At the thought of the sheer amount of cash that was, Naruto gladly agreed, not realizing that due to the wall being clear, he had to search by feel where it was broken, and then patch it without knowing how big the hole was. Even with his legions of clones it was going to take the entire time of the assignment just to even know if he'd found all the holes. It occurred to him that peeking up and around a hole might help him find holes, but the scroll said that he wasn't supposed to enter the holes at all cost.

Grumbling he picked up another one of the special bricks that vanished as soon as put into place. Sadly he didn't see a pile of debris from the collapsed wall in his path and went for a tumble through a small hole in the wall. Looking around he knew that he was in trouble. After all, he'd never known good to come from floating in an endless gravity free expanse of white. That's when the voices started. "Welcome Naruto Uzumaki Namikaze, to the Fourth Wall."

"The Fourth Wall?" Naruto asked curiously while trying to find the source of the voice. "What's that?"

"A space between your dimension and the realm that sees your life as fiction," The voice answered with a sigh. "Don't try to find me, for I am everywhere, and nowhere..."

"Could you just... ya know take a form so I can talk to you? What's your name anyhow?"

"I'll take one that you are comfortable with," There before Naruto formed the Third Hokage himself. "I am what is known as the guardian of the void. You are the first to have actually made it this far... and by tripping no less..."

"Yeah... lucky me... how do I get out of here to finish that wall thingie?" Naruto asked while hiking a thumb over his back. "I mean I'm not supposed to be here right?"

"No... you are not, but the problem is, your clones finished patching the wall, and one of them was designated Naruto Prime in your absence..." Sarutobi answered, "Meaning that I cannot send you back, and yet I cannot leave you here..."

"You're not going to kill me... right? I mean it was an accident..." Naruto asked nervously, feeling that if the voice said otherwise, he'd have absolutely no method of defending himself.

"No, but I am going to send you into another universe, if you aide the key players in enough dimensions, I may help you return to your own world..." the voice stated before a strange device appeared on Naruto's wrist. "This is a dimensional reader, it will tell you what dimension you're in, who the key players are, and what you must do to correct the dimension."

"So... if I use this thing, and fix the places I end up... I can go home?" Naruto asked just to make sure.

"Yes... however there is one small catch..."

"I know I'm going to regret this... but what's that?" Naruto inquired while his body spun lazily from his looking at the new watch device.

"You'll be taking on the form of characters in that dimension... to maintain the balance."

"Oh... well fuck..."

"Bye."

Naruto felt a pull and suddenly sped into the distance away from the old man. He really should have punched him, but there was no way to move in that blank space. So instead he just braced himself for impact.

Opening his eyes, he found himself staring up at a ceiling done in light blue hues. Stretching his arms, he wondered about the odd dream he'd had. Blinking he realized a few things, his hair was a lot longer than he'd gone to bed with, he was wearing the watch, and he had breasts.

Biting back a curse, he looked around to try and get a size of what his life was like in this body. Apparently he hung his clothes on hangers for the new day, as a white dress shirt and green plaid pants were hanging off to the side, a matching green striped tie looped lazily over the shirt with a brown belt sticking out from under the shirt.

Sitting up, he used a bit of the bed sheets to cover his new breasts while his inspection continued. He apparently had a very large bed, and if the aquamarine hair in the hair brush on the other side of the bed was any indication, not alone. Hearing a three beep message from the watch he finally decided to give it a look.

**Name: Haruka Tenoh**

**Gender: Female**

**Age: 16-17**

**Universe: Sailor Moon**

**Mission: Press Green Button to read Mission.**

**Biography: Press Blue Button to read the Biography.**

**Girlfriend: Michiru Kaioh**

**Alternative Identity: Sailor Uranus**

**Further Information: Press Red Button to download knowledge into your mind.**

Deciding that having all the information would be best, he just pressed the small red button. The assault of information being downloaded to his mind suddenly made her very glad that he'd use shadow clones obsessively. Stretching her arms again he gave her mind a quick review, and decided that for the sake of her sanity he'd better start just using physically appropriate pronouns.

Her mission it seemed was to find out why this Mamoru character seemed to be stifling the development of the Moon Princess, and her Senshi. Already the Outer Senshi, including herself and her lover, suspected something was amiss, but couldn't act upon it. Her secondary mission, for some sort of bonus was to break the two of them up and set Usagi Tsukino up with someone more appropriate for her age and orientation.

The biography made her blush, and get the multi-verse's second most perverse grin, only to be supassed by the two tied for first, Jiraiya and Hipposai, but she didn't know that yet. Instead she only knew that Haruka Tenoh was a very active playgirl until such time as her current girlfriend and her started dating. Apparently, since then Haruka's never had the energy to look for more, though she still teased the younger senshi. She also seemed to have an issue with the leader of the Sailor Starlights by name of Kou Seiya, and she'd have to figure that one out as she went.

The rest of the information just continued filling her mind, but she had other things to test. Looking around carefully, she tried to access her chakra. It took a little bit of doing, but she found her reserves were accessible, and that the Kyuubi was still there as well. What was most disturbing was that the Kyuubi was still a giant demon fox, but now wearing the uniform she recognized as her Sailor Uranus uniform.

Returning to reality, she decided to get started, and stood up. Feeling the sunlight play over her naked body, she figured a shower was the first order of business, and then hunt down the delicious smelling eggs and bacon. After making out with her girlfriend, she might just go put on some clothes, after all her daughter Hotaru should be at school by then... right?


	98. Naruto: Ninja Evolved

Naruto had been having a fairly decent day. The villagers were leaving him alone, he'd just had a good meal of ramen, and that comet that was to pass the planet was going to be bright enough that he could see it from the roof of his building.

He never told anyone this, but he'd always liked looking up at the stars and wondering what was out there. After all, it was so endless and massive that their tiny little planet couldn't possibly be the only one. That's when he saw something odd, a section of the comet broke off and seemed to be streaking towards him.

Ducking down, he watched the object scream through the air over his head. As the curiosity overwhelmed him, he began hunting after the object that had caught his imagination. As far as he could figure out, he was the only one looking for the object, but that suited him just fine. He wanted to be the first one to see it, and find out what it was.

Arriving at the crash site, he couldn't believe it. It wasn't a hunk of rock like he thought, it was a construct of some kind of reflective metal still smoking slightly from the spectacular entrance it made into the atmosphere. Using a length of rope he kept wrapped inside his clothes as an anchor, he began the slow and steady process of entering the crater.

Arriving at the... pod... thing... he checked it over, and was impressed with how cool it was. He could already get this close to it, and not be forced back by a wave of heat. This thing had to have super awesome heat elimination properties in order to do that. Taking a step back, he accidentally slipped on some loose stones, and slammed into a hatch. To his amazement it swung open and he found himself face to face with a massive space suit, at least he thought it was a space suit. He'd never seen one before, and they were always white in the manga.

He was about to shake it and see if the thing inside was alive, when top of an odd short post burst into life with a strange blue skinned woman on top, attempting to snatch away his hands or arms. Her attempts proved futile as she simply passed through his arms, or was it the other way around?

"DON'T TOUCH HIM!" the scary woman of light ordered, causing Naruto to slowly pull his hand back, showing her his palms. "Who are you? Where are we? Did we crash on Earth finally?"

Naruto blinked before kneeling so he was even with the pillar projecting the woman, who was barely larger than his head in entirity. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki... You're just outside of Konoha in Hi no Kuni... I don't know what that Earth thingie is... who are you?"

The small blue pixie of a woman paused to study the blonde that had moved to directly in front of her, in a stance that looked like a cross between kneeling in submission and sheer curiosity. Instead of trying to figure it out, she just wrote it off as a investigation act. Meanwhile she ran what she recognized as the name of both the boy and the places as being an oriental derivative, ninety percent probability of it being Japanese. Scanning through the list of colonies, she found that she couldn't narrow it down without further input. All this took about five nano-seconds.

"Naruto-san?" Cortana tried, hoping she got the right honorific. Her language database hadn't been accessed in several years after all. Getting a nod from the oddly dressed boy, she really hoped it was her optic software that were acting up, not that he was actually wearing that atrocity that passed as a jumpsuit on him. "I am Cortana Halsey... and Earth is where my friend here and I came from..."

"So you guys are really aliens from outer space, Cortana-hime?" Naruto asked with an eagerness of a pup being given steak. "Wow, I can't wait to meet him then..."

Just as he was about to turn and shake the guy awake, Cortana shouted again. "DON'T TOUCH HIM!" Causing the blonde to wince and turn around curiously. He found Cortana looking down sadly, while shuffling her feet. "Sorry, it's just... he's dead... and I think he deserves some respect... not to be poked and prodded..."

"Oh..." Naruto answered softly. Looking at the fallen warrior, he did the only thing he could think of doing. Clapping his hands twice, he whispered a soft prayer for him to be at peace, and that he might find happiness in the world beyond. After a minute he stepped back and knelt next to Cortana, bowing his head forward in penance. "I'm sorry Cortana-hime... I didn't realize he had died... You must have been so lonely without him..."

"It's nothing for an A.I.," Cortana answered bitterly with a venom in her voice that surprised even herself.

"No... no it's not Cortana-hime..." Naruto corrected her, looking at the three inch high woman with sad eyes. "Being alone is not good for anyone... I know what it's like to be alone, and I don't want anyone else to ever feel that way. Not if I can help it..."

Cortana took a step back, surprised at the raw emotion rolling off the boy. Quietly she smiled and nodded. "I see... there is a lot of the Master Chief in you Naruto-san..."

"Just call me Naruto, we're going to be friends now," Naruto replied with what he thought was an authoritative nod, but just made Cortana wonder if he was suffering from internal gastroaeric pressure build up. Shrugging she decided to go along with his idea for now.

"Fair enough, then it's just Cortana," the A.I. offered with a slight bow. After she straightened she let out a sigh. "I must admit that I did suffer from a bout of loneliness after Master Chief died, and I was trying to deceive you."

To her surprise, Naruto simply shrugged and looked out the open hatchway. "Don't blame you, it's easier to let them see you smile than see you cry..."

Despite her probably decades on the boy, Cortana felt for the first time that he had more experience than she would ever want for one person to suffer. Bit by bit, this boy was showing her more and more shades of the Master Chief, Spartan 117, her first and dearest friend John. She only hoped he held some of his luck, but she thought that the blonde just might at that.

Looking out the hatch, she began processing the new information her sensors were picking up. "I'm detecting the approach of two... they're gone now... There they are... wait... What's going on... the sensors aren't malfunctioning, but I'm only picking up the bio signatures at random intervals, approaching us..." Cortana was severely confused at this, but decided she would trust in Naruto. "Quick, pull out the chip I'm going to eject, and take the portable projector from next to the Chief. I trust you, but I've found that not all can be trusted..." Cortana ordered, pointing to a small circular device sitting on the ground next to the remains of the Master Chief. "We'll talk more later..."

Naruto didn't ask any questions, but instead just pulled out the chip and the projector, hiding them safely away on his body. He turned around just in time to smile and wave at Cat and Bear as they arrived. "Hey guys, look what I found... uhh... can we bury this guy?"

The two ANBU looked each other, and shared a single thought. '_This is going to be a LOOOOOOOONG day..._'


	99. No Net Ninjas 6

If you're wanting to submit some randomness for me to work out, please feel free to. If you're wanting to take one of these stories for your own... _**PLEASE FEEL FREE TO**_! That is all.

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Reason #26: Webshrines**

Naruto had decided to use his day off to relax and browse the Internet on the new palmtop computer Koyuki had sent him. The satellite connection he got with it was phenomenal, and he'd had a clone spending a few hours a day playing some game called Nations of Nolife with a few others. But today, the others had to go train, and he was alone with his laptop and a lot of free time.

Really folks, this is a potential catastrophe in the making with a 'normal' human... Naruto it's like juggling lit torches in a fireworks factory while gasoline showers on you from above. AVOID AT ALL COST!

But since no one has ever seen the glowing neon warning signs with sparklers and blaring sirens, let's continue shall we? Naruto decided to run a search on his name. The first link he clicked on had him confused. First he didn't know how this H. Hyuuga got pictures of him in such private moments, like the last time he bathed in the hot springs. Second he didn't want to think about that countdown until his eighteenth birthday, and the one second higher one on when he was to be hunted down to be raped.

Third, he decided that he was going to lock himself into his bathroom, shortly after he gets it lead lined, and installs a hydroponics garden for air. He really didn't even want to think about what the hell was going on. He also thought asking Tsunade about this might be a better idea than dealing with it solo.

Elsewhere in Konoha, Hinata Hyuuga smiled as she updated her site. The new pictures she took of Naruto-kun with his shirt off for training were drool worthy, and made her faint on more than one occasion. Thankfully her cameras were automated for the most part. Thankfully, she knew that Naruto had no Internet connection. She of all people would know about that, right?

**Reason #27: What... ELSE did you expect?**

Monkey waved to the camera standing next to an orange clad fox masked blonde youth. "Welcome to a brand special ninja myth Mythbusters, I'm your host Monkey, with me today is one of our new Myth-terns Fox."

Fox snickered and rubbed his hands together. "Today they let us test the myth about the fact explosive tags had to be made of paper."

"Let's see the footage," Monkey offered with eagerness as he indicated the monitor to his side. "And remember, we're trained professionals."

The footage changed over to reveal three ANBU masked people looking at a towel in their hands. The bear one gave a thumbs up, while the bunny masked one poked her fingers, and the fox faced one showed the camera the explosive note on the towel to the camera. Laying it out on the ground, he sounded off the all clear sirens.

As they were counting down, something unexpected happened. Sasuke Uchiha, clearly ignoring the siren's warning landed almost directly on top of the towel. Before they could shout a warning, he was no longer there, and the camera panned up to follow his smoke trail as it arched high into the sky.

"Myth busted?" Fox asked curiously.

"Yeah," Bunny answered in a mystified tone.

"We in trouble?" Fox asked still watching Sasuke's flight."

"Oh yeah..." Bear answered this time, "Time to run..."

Monkey appeared on screen suddenly holding Fox by the ear. "We here at Mythbusters would like to assure you that no one died in the filming of the tests, and advise that when sirens go off for explosive tests... you listen."

"Bye!" Fox shouted before disappearing in a puff of smoke. Monkey looked at the air where the clone had been and snarled.

"WALRUS! WE'RE GOING ON A MYTH-TERN HUNT!"

**Reason #28: Music**

Orochimaru smiled as he stood in front of his legions, after a moment he snapped his fingers and they began dancing. It was as Orochimaru began singing that Sasuke really questioned his choice in joining the former sannin. "It's close to miiiiidnight, and somethin' evil's lurkin' in the dark... under the moooooonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart."

And now, Sasuke had no doubt about his mistake.

**Reason #29: Marketing Ideas**

Tsunade had finally figured out a way to cure her village of its financial woes. All she needed was Hinata Hyuuga's permission. "So you see, this is the Hinata Dreamhouse, it's a complete palace, with a bath, a few bedrooms, a kitchen, a living room, a dining room, and ten mini Naru-kun servants at Hinata's beck and call..."

Who knew that Barbie was so parody ready for mass marketing in a ninja based economy. "So what do you say? Can I use your likeness for this? Naruto's already agreed to be the model for the Naru-kuns, and the separately sold Naruto doll..." Tsunade asked while holding out said doll to Hinata Hyuuga. The poor girl took the doll with trembling fingers, and promptly passed out with a smile on her face.

Tsunade would just take that as a yes for now.

**Reason #30: When loops go wrong**

"So you're saying that hitting this button will cause the day to repeat until the presser is perfectly happy with it?" Naruto asked as he looked at the button he and the rest of Team Seven had uncovered.

"Yes, so don't touch it dobe," Sasuke snarled as he put up seals around the entrances. Kakashi and Sakura had left to go get Tsunade after this latest D-rank catastrophe. Unfortunately he didn't pay attention to what Naruto was doing, as he pressed the button.

* * *

"So you're saying that hitting this button will cause the day to repeat until the presser is perfectly happy with it?" Naruto asked as he looked at the button he and the rest of Team Seven had uncovered.

"Yes, so don't touch it, alright Naruto-kun?" Sakura whispered huskily in his voice, as she wrapped her scantily clad body around the blonde. Saki-chan, the once male Uchiha, was already massaging his back, while Kakashi went to go get Tsunade-sama. Unfortunately, no one paid attention to Naruto's feet, as he landed the crossed at the ankles pair on the button.

* * *

Naruto didn't bother asking the stupid question, he just slammed the button as Konoha exploded around him. Maybe removing that seal was a bad idea...


	100. Film Break

Naruto leaped from branch to branch gracefully. He wasn't really in a hurry to go anywhere, he was just out for a little training. Alone. Away from all his friends. For they could never know about this secret training. Extending the leap of one of his jumps he brought his legs up into a perfect split, to land gently on the tip of his ballet slipper while his pink tutu rustled in the wind.

It was as he posed on the branch, gauging his next leap, that he saw the mambo ducks. He had wandered too far, and accidentally gone into their territory. This was a problem since the mambo ducks were vicious and bit hard. Turning around he began springing through the trees while the mambo ducks began mamboing after him, which was surprising since they were flying at the same time.

As he ran fr...m the ducks, he fund that he was heded to town, and couldn't quite lose them before he made it there. Leaping over two ones, he caught his on the third one and went tumbing down into a itch. While laying there disorented,found himself watch ducks fly ovr hed.

Staring up... found... leering at him. The... sannin tongue... out and... leaned down. … found him... and moan... while the... swallowed his... whole... and...

A ker-chunking noise sounded , before the entire area turned a smoldering brown, and started to burn. Eventually a white pin prick of light and expanded outward in a ragged circle. Eventually there was nothing, the ducks, the tutu, everything... gone.

Naruto looked around the blank white space he found himself in, wondering what the hell just happened, and how he got back to his usual orange jumpsuit. The form of Haku appeared before him with a small smile on his... her... their face. "Welcome Naruto, this is the film void."

"So... I'm dead... aren't I?" Naruto asked curiously while looking around the white area. "I guess... this is not what I expected..."

"No, you're not dead Naruto, merely in the white space when movies break. It's rather dull here..." Haku explained while indicating the white area surrounding them. "I got here after my 'death' I think... I just remember a flash of white light... and then this..."

"Oh..."

"What gender are you, by the way? I mean I never did manage to figure that out properly, but you said you were a guy... and your body swapped a few time..." Naruto started, before trailing off at the end.

"You know... I'm not sure..." Haku answered with a nervous laugh.

"And... you've been here for... how long?" Naruto asked in surprise, as he pulled out a deck of cards from his back pocket. When you have Kakashi for a teacher, you get very, very, very, VERY, good at wasting time. And usually stayed prepared at all times.

"I've checked... Four thousand four hundred and fourty-four times, each time was the opposite of the last..." Haku explained while holding out her hand. "Go fish okay?"

"Sure."

Half-way through the game, a new figure popped into the scene. As the figure was about to respond, there was a loud voice inarticulately mumbling something about a film. After the voice ended, the white void disappeared, returning to the film in progress, however Orochimaru found himself molesting air. Although Naruto was missing, no one noticed a thing.


	101. A Little Too Sweet, Again

Hinata had recovered from the surprise of Cinnamon's arrival, she'd also accepted that her companion would be with her until the girl could become some sort of ultimate cook ninja or something... It wasn't that she didn't pay attention, it was that she had no idea what the girl was saying as though buzzed on sugar.

Right now, the little sweet spirit was sleeping on her bed, while Hinata went out to pick up some ingredients for breakfast. It was just as she was rounding a final corner that something odd happened. A tiny little person fell out of the sky and landed on her face. Plucking the person off her nose, she was ready to ask if Cinnamon was alright, until she noticed that it wasn't her, and this spirit lacked wings. "Ano..."

"Oh! You can see me! That means you've seen other Sweet Spirits..." the little girl stated with a much relieved expression. "I'm Ichi... err Fraise... and I was hoping you could take me to Cinnamon, Cayenne, or Miso... you have met them, right?"

Hinata blinked slowly before tucking away into an alleyway. "I have met Cinnamon-san... You're not like the others..."

"You can tell?" Fraise asked in a panic before trying to feel for her candy wings. Noticing them missing she began crying. "Oh no... if I go to Cinnamon now, she'll know I'm not a Sweet Spirit and I'll never get back home!"

Hinata frowned and looked around for some wings for the sobbing girl. Finally she looked straight down and blushed heavily as she had to pluck them off her breasts. Holding them up to the bawling pseudo-spirit she asked "Are these it?"

"Oh thank you!" Fraise squealed as she took the wings and slipped them on her back. "Umm... could you not mention this to the others? It's an embarrassing condition, and I want to get back to my friend Vanilla..."

"I'm sure it'll be fine Fraise-chan... let's go home... I'm making cinnamon rolls, would you like some?" Hinata offered with a smile, "I'm Hinata Hyuuga, it's nice to meet you."

"Thank you Hinata-san! I'd love some, I'm so hungry..." Fraise gushed while hugging the heiress's neck.

Just as she was walking out, she was met by someone that nearly stopped her heart. "Hey Hinata, you got a sweet spirit too?" an orange clad ninja asked with a brownish-orange clad sweet spirit sitting on his shoulder.

His shoulder companion stood up, and bowed, removing his beige hat, revealing sandy brown hair over his tanned face. "Greetings, I am Miso..." As he looked closer, he smiled warmly at the odd Sweet Spirit he had met a few days earlier. "Fraise! So good to see you again, I was worried about you..."


	102. Waltz no Jutsu

Inspired by Chapter 37 of Naruto's Kit by brown phantom. If you look, you'll find the specific line.

* * *

It had been a week since Naruto had made the promise to bring Sasuke back no matter what the cost. Kotetsu Hagane and Izumo Kamizuki were once again on guard duty at the main gate. So far the day had been fairly normal. No invasions, just a couple C-rank missions returning, and a couple civilians asking about their children. Nothing of note.

Shortly after lunch, something of note occurred that caused the two to wonder just what were in those sushi packs they had eaten. First they heard some sort of faint string instruments raising up over the horizon, then there was accenting notes that rose up with an underscoring drum. As the music grew louder, they first saw it. A sea of orange approached the gates, each one playing a different instrument, making the odd music.

That's when they heard a voice raising from the center, it was Naruto alright, but he was counting in a strange way. "One, two, three, and... one, two, three, and..." A moment later, they saw something that really made them wonder about what was in those meals. In a dance that was mostly circling around each other, Naruto and Sasuke breezed past, laughing and doing that strange count.

After all the clones had passed through, one final one approached with paperwork. "Naruto Uzumaki, returning from S-rank retrieval mission with successful results."

"What the hell was that?" Kotetsu asked while pointing at the apparently infectious dance, as others began joining in.

"Don't tell me you guys never heard of Waltz-no-jutsu!" the clone gasped in shock. "Matilda-sensei told me it was the best jutsu out there! And she was right!"


	103. Lights, Camera, Action no Jutsu

At the tender age of three, Naruto finds something that will change his life forever.

-Team Assignment Meeting-

Naruto fiddled with his camera with a frown, he really needed to get something new out soon, or else those fangirls would hunt him down and use him as a battering ram to get into the Uchiha's clan grounds. But Sasuke had gotten better at avoiding him, after the several years of being spied upon did wonders for the last Uchiha's detection abilities.

It amazed Naruto that Sasuke had had such difficulties still, after all the blonde was doing all but screaming his location. It didn't help that Naruto had even taken to directing the Uchiha in a soothing and gentle voice. "Come on Sasuke, you're a tragic hero and want to gain the skills and power to defeat your older brother... With an army of fangirls it would be easy..."

"No, I will do it on my own..." Sasuke snarled back, facing the completely wrong direction again.

"Sasuke, I'm behind you..." Naruto groaned as he focused on the survivor's face. "Just get a few of them trained up, and you'd have the lethalist army at your beck and call..."

"Come on, just one or two girls..." Naruto teased after Sasuke continued to ignore him. "How about Sakura and Ino? They would be a good complement to each other..."

""Fine, If they're on my team, I'll train with them..." Sasuke growled. "Now will you just shut up?"

"Sure!" Naruto answered with a huge grin on his face.

It was at this moment that Iruka came in, ignoring Naruto as he took up a filming position next to his desk. Without further ado, the teacher unraveled the team assignment scroll, and sighed as though he'd read it off at least 100,000 times before. "Team Seven, you are Sakura Haruno, Ino Yamanaka, and Sasuke Uchiha."

The look of abject terror on Sasuke's face would forever be held captive in the video Naruto was shooting. "Perfect Sasuke, now just give each of them a pat on the shoulder..."

Sasuke's eye began twitching as the girls all gushed over their success at getting the Uchiha on their team. Hesitantly the prodigy lifted his hands and patted the girls lightly on their shoulders. "Looks like we'll be working together... Hope I don't push you too hard..."

Naruto smirked as he continued filming. It was odd, but even in his day-glo orange jumpsuit and carrying around a camera, no one noticed him, save Sasuke Uchiha. When the survivor talked to him, everyone either chose to ignore him, or just assumed he was mimicking a jounin, and going insane.

As far as everyone in Konoha, save Sasuke, were concerned, Naruto Uzumaki had simply vanished one day. Actually, that wasn't exactly true... there were four others that noticed the blonde, but didn't approach him. One was Iruka Umino, who paid for his meals at Ichiraku's occasionally. Another was the Third Hokage, who had accepted Naruto's choice to become a movie maker, and trained him in stealth. He had never thought just how badly that would turn out.

The last two weren't much of a surprise, as they were both from the Hyuuga clan. The first was Hizashi Hyuuga, who owed Naruto his life. If it hadn't been for the boy wandering around and filming the kidnapping of Hinata by Cloud ninjas, he would have had to sacrifice his life to prevent war. From that day on, he and his son Neji had kept a close watch on Naruto. Neji still needed a bit of help finding him without his Byakugan activated though, so he doesn't count.

The last person able to constantly spot Naruto was classified as the worst Hyuuga, despite being the heiress. Hinata had always felt a fondness for Naruto after he saved her uncle, and that fondness brought out the maternal side of the shy girl, providing the budding film maker with meals now and then. After a few years, it had turned to a different kind of love, and try as she might, she just couldn't figure out how to express it to the blonde.

-----------------

Basic idea, is that Naruto at the age of three decides he wants to be a director/camera man. And the change to the Naruto world is dramatic.


	104. Navigating the Road of Life

This chapter goes out to Thordenchilde, enjoy folks.

* * *

It was bright and early on a Tuesday morning, and Team Seven had been waiting for Kakashi for the past 24 hours, 37 minutes, and 54 seconds. In that time they had sparred, gotten breakfast, beaten the living shit out of each other, review first aid, gotten lunch, discussed battlefield tactics, sparred, brawled, discussed their goals for the future, gotten into another fight, plotted out how the three of them could achieve their goals as a team, picked up dinner, got in a fight over dessert, nearly killed each other finding sleeping spots, plotted the demise of Kakashi, gotten breakfast, and were just recovering from their latest brawl, when the sun rose in the East.

"Hn... where is he?" Sasuke asked while nursing the black eye he'd gotten from Naruto's elbow.

Sakura sighed while she rubbed her knuckles that had been sore since she connected them with Naruto's chin. "We don't know, he's never been this late before..."

Naruto stood on a branch looking at the surrounding area without any visible bruising or marks on his body, despite having the most injuries suffered. Sasuke to be honest was surprised he was standing after the knee to the groin the blonde had taken, but it didn't seem to slow him in the slightest. "Do you think we should keep waiting for him?"

"I'm starting to think we should see if we can't find him..." Sakura stated with a worried whine to her voice.

"Good morning students of my most youthful rival... where is your teacher?" Gai asked as he walked onto the scene.

"We don't know... he's over a day late..." the three answered in unison, before Naruto dropped out of the tree, and pulled out a deck of cards.

"Want to play some poker with us while we wait, Gai-sensei?" Naruto asked innocently while Sakura and Sasuke began scheming for a way to keep their money in their wallets.

Gai smiled nervously, which caught the attention of all three ninjas. Backing up slightly he let out a sheepish chuckle. "It would seem I am unable to... for it seems my esteemed rival has gotten into another argument with Pakkun again..."

"Wait... this has happened before?" Sakura asked sweetly, cutting off one of Gai's routes of escape, while Sasuke moved to block the other.

"And no one felt the need to warn us?" the Uchiha avenger asked coldly, causing Gai to start sweating. It was when Naruto slung his arm around the jounin's shoulder that he really began worrying.

"See... you are going to go with us to the Hokage, and we're all going to have a nice long discussion about this... right?" the blonde asked in a tone that sent chills down the Taijutsu master's spine.

"R...Right..."

Meanwhile, in a land far, far away, Kakashi looked around the ice and snow covered land curiously. "Are you sure this is the way to go Hibiki-san?"

The black haired youth adjusted his black-spotted yellow headband and nodded confidently. "Absolutely! We'll get you to your meeting spot in no time with this shortcut!"

Kakashi shrugged and decided to follow the strange boy that offered to guide him. Stupid Pakkun saying he couldn't find his way around without him. He'd show that mongrel that Kakashi Hatake was a full grown jounin and didn't need some smart mouthed dog holding his hand and guiding him around.

The strange place filled with talking orange mushroom people, and weird walking turtles they had just left was probably a area of Konohagakure he'd never been to before. That strange blue hedgehog he'd met before was probably from there as well. Looking at the group of wolves running past them, he could have sworn he heard them mentioning finding something called Paradise, he began wondering when it started snowing during summer in the Land of Fire.


	105. It's Always the Quiet Ones

It was time, Hinata knew that it was time for her target was there directly in front of her. Licking her lips, she smirked as she looked at the kunai in her hand. He wasn't supposed to do this to her, no he was supposed to fall in love with her, and become her little love slave until he died of exhaustion, or until he had given her fifteen children. Whichever came first.

But no... he had to buck the natural order and pursue that pink haired harlot, but this would change in seconds. Verifying that he was alone she sprang out of the alleyway and latched onto her prize, with a knockout pellet crushing into his mouth and the kunai slipping securely around his neck. "Come with me Naruto-kun... don't fight it..."

As the drug took the blonde off to la-la land, Hinata slowly retracted her prey into the alley, a soft giggle escaping her lips. Rats in the alleyway looked up at the laughter, before turning and scurrying for safety. They were the only witnesses to this crime.

Naruto woke slowly, and thus when his mind finally came to the realization that he was strapped into a spread eagle position it was understandable that he didn't figure out just how far along shit's creek he'd gotten. His mind picked up a clue when he tried to access his chakra and found that whatever was binding him to the smooth hard surface was also draining him of any chakra he tried to gather.

"I... I died for our love Naruto-kun..." a voice whispered softly, lilting sharply at the 'kun' part. "Didn't you understand?"

"H...hinata? Heh, what's going on? Come on... this is... this isn't funny, let me down and let's talk about this..." Naruto asked curiously, sweat beading his forehead as he tried to look at the voice whispering behind him.

Hinata took the opportunity to step out from behind him, wearing skintight black leather that left very little to the imagination. "Oh no Naruto-kun... you see... you rejected me for that pink-haired girl... and now it's my turn to make you love me..." Slowly she pulled out a long shiny black whip, with a little flick at the end to make it crack the air inches in front of Naruto's face. "You will love me... or... I just don't know what I'll do... but with your pain tolerance and stamina... I expect this to be... slow..."

Naruto knew right there, that he was completely and utterly screwed if he didn't think of something and fast. Unfortunately all chances of thought was ripped away with a layer of flesh as Hinata's whip slashed across his chest. "None of that now Naruto-kun... we have all night... but I must go and visit your girlfriend Sakura..."

"But she's not my girlfmmmf!" Naruto tried to defend the rosette girl in question, until something cotton with a musky smell and taste was shoved into his mouth.

"Oh no she's not? You two were always together... going on little dates..." Hinata purred as she ensured her panties were firmly in place, with a ninja's worst nightmare, duct tape. "All the while I was waiting for you to accept my feelings. But don't worry, I'll bring her here for you to see her being broken. No... I'm not going to kill her Naruto... after all, what is having my prince if I don't have servants?"

Naruto could only hope that the rest of his friends were safe from the complete and utter psycho that was about to descend upon them.


	106. What Could Have Been

This was a challenge given to me by Gouken 2010, after we read Naruto's pilot on One Manga... Basically, What could have been, if Naruto met... Naruto...

* * *

Naruto sighed as he sat down at the ramen stand, it had been a long day and his favorite food was just the comfort he needed to face the rest of it. He hadn't been there long before another person arrived in the stand, and sat down next to him. The didn't look at each other, until the chef came out of the back, and blinked slowly looking between them. "What the hell? Naruto did you summon a clone?"

The two looked up at the shopkeeper before facing each other and staring blankly into the mirror image they found there. As one they pointed at each other and spoke, "You're me... weird..."

"Well... Iruka-sensei took my goggles... but I like them..." Naruto stated as he leaned against the bar, holding up a finger to the cook. "I'll take a miso, and one bowl for my duplicate here."

"Beef please! That headband's not bad either..." his duplicate responded with a huge grin on his face. "But you don't have a cool motorbike with a new sidecar, huh?"

"Uh... what's a motorbike?" Naruto asked curiously as he followed the hiked thumb of his doppelganger out of the stand, where a strange contraption was sitting. "That thing? Looks awesome, hard to ride it?"

"Only if you're just starting off, once you get it going, then it's super easy! My and my truest friend are heading to the hidden mountain village," the clone answered while the ramen arrived, and Naruto paid. "My friend prefers the sidecar though, and it's a lot faster than walking."

"Hidden Mountain Village? I've never heard of that one... you're in Konohagakure..." Naruto offered with a curious frown.

"How do you hide a village in the leaves? Besides this place was visible from miles away... Chief would really love you... I hope he's alright... Sarutobi-jii-san was a real grouch... but I miss him."

"Sarutobi died during the chuunin exams when all the ninja villages met up..." Naruto explained while wiping his eyes free of tears.

"Wait... Ninja villages as in plural?" the biker Naruto asked with a confused look on his face. "You have the most ass backwards political system I've ever heard..."

"NARUTO!" Hinata called out as she entered the ramen stand. Her shiny black leather accenting her form nicely. "I got directions while you were goofing off... what took you so long?"

"I was just talking to..." Naruto started while indicating the seat next to him, only to realize that it was abandoned without even a trace of the boy's scent remaining. "... the chef, and I got you some ramen..."

"You..." Hinata sighed after a moment before pulling the goggles up off her eyes revealing light purple eyes. After letting her pupils dilated to the sudden brightness she sat down next to Naruto and smiled sweetly. "If I wasn't your girlfriend, I'd probably do something that would really ruin our friendship..."

"Just remember we're to meet Tenten a mile outside of this village before sunset..." Hinata reminded the blond before starting to eat calmly, despite her partner's wild abandon. "I bet your chief will be proud of you bringing two friends back, instead of just one..."

While Naruto slurped down the ramen, he wondered where his double had gone, or who he had been. But instead of pursuing that thought any further, he savored the ramen. It was nearly as good as the stuff in the hidden mountain village, and made him remember his home more warmly than he had when he left. Maybe it wasn't so bad having friends...


	107. There's a License for EVERYTHING

Fangirl Assassin

A challenge from Aracade – Written by Sailor Ranger

* * *

I'd like to clarify that I deviated from the original idea/challenge Aracade gave me. Originally the idea was to have the fangirls be assassins or something, but I got confused during the writing process and came up with this. Enjoy!

* * *

Hinata found herself cornered by one of the most dangerous group in all of Konoha. None had dared to defy them and survived to tell the tale. She had been dodging them for the past five weeks, but it finally happened. She'd been cornered by them.

Two of them she'd known for years, the third only for a couple years, through Neji. She'd never thought they'd hunt her down like this, she thought she'd been secretive enough to go under their radars. "H...Hello S...Sakura-san... Ino-san... Tenten-san... w...what d...do yyou wwant?" She asked politely, trying to edge out from the cornered position she found herself in.

Sakura stepped in to pin the poor girl in further. "You're overdue Hinata..."

While Tenten moved in on her other side, Ino moved forward to press in on the shy heiress. The shrinking violet pulled back nervously her fingers poking each other. "O...Overdue... f...for what?"

She knew exactly what she was overdue for, but she wasn't ready to admit it. They wanted her to register as a fangirl. She wasn't a fangirl however, she might stalk Naruto, obsess over him, have a secret shrine in her basement with a plush doll of him on the altar, and pray every night that he would come through her window, take her in his strong, passionate arms and carry her away on a pristine white unicorn where they would fly to the fairy world and they'd make sweet passionate love all night long, but she wasn't a fangirl.

She didn't have a single fangirl quality about her. After all, she wasn't stalking Naruto, obsessing about him, worrying about him whenever he was out of sight, or acting insanely jealous or anything. She just happened to follow Naruto during her training in observational recon, think about him all the time, worship at the secret shrine in her basement, thought about his health and well being occasionally when he happened to be away from her, and considered every girl that got near him a vile temptress out to corrupt her sweet and innocent Naruto-kun. Nope, not a single fangirl quality to be found in her, even if she happened to set off a couple '_minor_' explosive tags just a little too close to his clan houses after he stole Naruto-kun's first pure kiss.

"You know exactly what we're talking about Hinata..." Ino stated flatly, with a cold and calculating look to her eyes. "You're overdue for registering yourself as Naruto's first fangirl, and starting up his fan club."

"Ano... I... I'm n...not a f...fangirl..." Hinata stuttered out, feeling trapped by the trio of girls who seemed to know her deepest and darkest secrets. She thought she'd hidden her fangirl actions so well, when they happened that was. Which were nowhere near often enough to actually classify as fangirling.

"You just spent Four hours and thirty-five minutes drooling over Naruto as he trained shirtless, and before that you watched with your Byakugan as he bathed," Tenten cut in, reading them off like a list of charges. "Yesterday you attempted to join him at the ramen stand, and after he left, bought the bowl and chopsticks from the waitress. Then you went into your house, and didn't emerge for several hours. Checks with clan members stated that they could not find you, and when you did emerge, you proceeded directly to watching Naruto train."

"Tha...that wasn't f...fangirling... th...that..." Hinata began, only to be cut off by Ino.

"You were fangirling without a license Hinata, and that is very bad if you got caught," Ino stated while slinging an arm around the shy girl's shoulders. "See, fangirls with a license get little perks, like not getting the police called on us... and special attacks..."

"A...attacks?" Hinata asked curiously, as she'd never heard that before.

"Yep... the first and most basic is the squeal... which can rupture eardrums, and stun the target allowing for easier capture. Then there's the Righteous Rage Strike... remember the attack Sakura performed on Naruto after he fell on Sasuke and they accidentally kissed?" Ino explained, adding the last carefully. After getting a nod, she continued. "The flames of her righteous fury helped her attacks be stronger and more powerful... We could teach you... and all you'd have to do is become Naruto's only fangirl..."

"So far," Tenten cut in, getting curious looks from the three other girls. "What? Come on, you can't tell me you didn't see it!"

"See what?" Sakura asked curiously, getting nods of agreement to the question from the others.

With a sigh, Tenten rubbed her forehead as she carefully plotted out her words. "Think about it girls... He's hard working, cheerful guy, with a huge heart, and likely among the most approachable of the males we have to choose from... His stamina makes a Sisyphus look like a Nara... And those whisker marks give him a dangerous edge that will drive some girls wild... It's a miracle he doesn't already have a fan club already..."

"So... she wouldn't be the **only** fangirl it seems..." Ino teased with a raised eyebrow at the weapon mistress. Her smirk was almost pure evil as she turned her attention on the other fangirl.

"Easy there Ino, I'm a card carrying Neji fangirl, remember?" Tenten answered, holding up the laminated card that looked like a pink and sparkly driver's license. "Oh and Hinata... when you get to planning out the cards... go for something tasteful and simple..."

While Tenten gave Hinata advice about the card, Ino harrumphed and crossed her arms over her chest turning a cold calculating glare on the older girl. After a minute she muttered under her breath. "If that card's worth anything, Sakura's not a violent tomboy that I experimented with... many times..."

The fist that collided with the top of her skull alerted her to the fact that Sakura could read lips very well. Tenten decided that she might want to take Hinata away before the fight involved them and scared her away again. Hinata... Hinata was reading the fangirling handbook that Sakura had given her. It didn't seem as bad as she thought...

Now all she needed to do was get all this nonsense out of the way before Naruto began training under the waterfall later. She had a brand new high-powered tele-photo lens that was begging for such a picture. But she wasn't a fangirl...

At least... _not yet_...


	108. Naruto: NCIS

Quick note: "_Italics_" Means they're talking in Japanese/Elemental Nationese, "No Italics" means English. Enjoy.  


* * *

Naruto was having a bad day. First he had missed out on a ramen breakfast due to a ramen beast attacking him from his cupboards this morning, and then Ichiraku's was closed due to the owner and his daughter being sick with the flu. Then Sasuke had ran away, meaning he had to chase him. They fought and the teme stabbed him through the chest again with a Chidori. And then he died... only to wake up standing in some office building with fancy computers, a giant screen, and four people shouting at him in some language he didn't understand. Each one pointing some squarish thing with a hole in the center at him.

Assuming they were weapons of some sort he raised his hands slowly, showing that he was unarmed. "_Hey... I'm Naruto Uzumaki, shinobi of the Leaf Village... where the hell am I?_"

The younger two males looked towards the older silver haired male, while the black haired woman kept her weapon trained on Naruto. He wasn't sure, but it looked like she and the old man understood what he had asked.

As the older man lowered his weapon and walked around, Naruto heard the others putting theirs down as well. "_Uzumaki-san, I am Gibbs, and you are in NCIS headquarters..._" the newly identified man turned to look at the younger ones, which Naruto assumed were his genin he was training. "DiNozzo!"

"Calling the Japanese embassy Boss, seeing if he's one of theirs..." the taller more athletically built one answered while dialing on a phone.

"McGee!" Gibbs snapped, getting Naruto's attention on the softer, probably most junior male gennin.

"Checking security to see how he got in here," McGee answered crisply typing with a manic fervor at the keyboard in front of him. Naruto leaned in to see a sea of letters and numbers that he didn't recognize being hit as the gennin's fingers flew over the keys. Maybe these were chuunin rather, they seemed to be very well trained and capable.

"Ziva!" Gibbs barked again, causing the woman to step around the desk and hold out her hand towards Naruto.

"I'll take him to the briefing room, and make him comfortable..." she answered before smiling at Naruto. "_If you would come with me please?_"

"_Thank you, Ziva-san?_" Naruto replied, testing out the curious name. Getting a nod from the woman, he took her hand and for the first time realized that they were all at least 30, instead of the late teens like he had been figuring. He felt like the kid of 13 that he really was. "_Excuse me... but what is NCIS?_"

"_It stands for Naval Criminal Investigative Services..._" Ziva explained while escorting the boy to a pair of metal doors. Pressing a button she waited calmly next to the orange clad boy.

"_Woah! A whole Navy! Cool... which nation? Probably Mizu no kuni or Yuki no kuni... Hey if this is Yuki no kuni, can you tell Princess Koyuki I'm here? She'd be really glad to see me..._" Naruto rambled while looking around like a kid who had just downed an entire case of pixie stix. "_I mean it's gotta be Yuki no kuni, since you got those strange weapons and I haven't seen a single shinobi other than you guys here..._"

Ziva took a few minutes to filter everything through her mind before trying again, and coming up with the conclusion that this boy was more than a little lost. "_No... this is the American Navy..._"

"_Oh..._" Naruto answered as though that explained everything. After a moment he spoke again. "_Where's American in relation to Hi no kuni?_"

Ziva's answer would have been cut off by the silver doors opening and the pair entering, if she had one. Instead she waited until the room had stopped moving, revealing a new area to the shocked blonde shinobi. As he looked at the box curiously, almost warily, she began escorting him to a room just down the hall. Another piece of the puzzle fell into place in her mind, and she wasn't liking the picture at all. "_I am going to have to ask you to relieve yourself of weapons..._"

Naruto turned around to find the woman holding a box made of some strange wood with pore through the sides. Taking it, he was surprised at just how weak it was. Shrugging away his questions, he began dumping his shuriken, kunai, garrot wire, ninja wire, fishing line, explosive tags, lock picks, senbon, stink bombs, smoke bombs, and various other weapons, leaving the box rather packed by the time he was done. "_Should I remove my armor too? And do you want to put a chakra disruptor on me?_"

"_No..._" the woman replied, looking a little impressed at the vast array of weapons Naruto had squirreled away. "_Would you like something to eat or drink?_"

"_Got any ramen?_" Naruto asked hopefully, hoping for some of that sweet ambrosia he'd been denied all day.

"_I will see about getting you some..._" Ziva explained while picking up the box that threatened to burst with even that simple movement. "_And Uzumaki-san? I have never heard of a Hi no Kuni... and I have been all throughout Japan._"

"_What's Japan?_" Naruto asked curiously.

Ziva David looked blankly at the boy for a moment before nodding. "_I see... you are very lost indeed..._"


	109. The Reaper's Toll

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, and for the civilian council of the village of Konoha, it was time to pay the reaper. Two years previously, Naruto Uzumaki and four others had gone out to retrieve Sasuke Uchiha and return him to the village. Two years ago this very day they had banished Naruto for his failure to retrieve the Uchiha heir from his kidnappers of Oto. Two years ago tomorrow, Naruto, the loyal Konoha 11 that were healthy enough, the fifth Hokage, many jounin, chuunin, and ANBU members left, leaving their headbands at the gates.

In three weeks, the two year anniversary of the departure of the healed Konoha 11, beating every effort to delay them, would occur. But none of them would see it. For today, Naruto Uzumaki and Gaara of the Sand had returned, and they were walking down the streets like shinigami, every attempt to stop them dropping dead before any chance to attack was had.

Two minutes ago the Hokage, Danzo was ripped to pieces, and then crushed by sand. Two seconds ago the council had found itself cowering in the shadows of its once lofty council chambers.

Now they were being pinned in their chairs by sand, bugs, and raw chakra while a blonde boy stepped into the middle of the floor. Next to him stood Gaara of the Sand, and Shino Aburame. Not a sound was heard as Naruto surveyed the entire council as though trying to find something that only he understood.

With one word Naruto destroyed the last corruption of the village of Konoha. He had turned and started walking out, letting the council consider themselves saved, when he stopped just at the threshold and with crystal blue eyes, he consigned them to their fate. "Traitors."

One week later, Sasuke Uchiha would return to Konoha with Orochimaru, only to find his vengeance had been stolen from him, and the only clue he had to tell him who was responsible told him all he needed to know. After all, only one man in the world would wear an orange jacket that ugly.


	110. Hyuuga Massacre

Aracade, this one's for you mate...

I would like to state first off, I do have an issue with suicide, and would prefer to not get requests like this in the future. In fact, in chapter 2 of SR's Randomness (Team Seven: Always and Forever), I altered the original content of Sakura's suicide to the fight and death/kill by Madara Uchiha because of this issue. But... something about this review caught my muse's attention and I found myself writing it. I would like to apologize in advance if this subject matter offends you, and hope that you understand the true meaning of this one shot...

Second, please keep the requests coming otherwise, I may not take them all, but it has stirred up some activity with my muses, so we'll see how it goes, hmm?

* * *

A great and terrible tragedy had befallen all of Konoha, the likes of which paled even the great Uchiha massacre. On December the Twenty-seventh, at eighteen minutes past the eighteenth hour the entirety of the Hyuuga clan convened in a private area of their clan grounds. All save three.

The prodigy of the branch clan, Neji had been escorting the two heiresses Hanabi and Hinata while they went to a celebration of Hinata's eighteenth birthday. Fortunately for the three young shinobi they had not returned to the clan housing before an ANBU patrol noticed a sudden drop of chakra while on a routine patrol.

What they found was a stunning scene of mass suicide the likes of which had never before been recorded in the annuals of history. Every single one of them had drank some type of red liquid, then laid out on futons spread throughout the room. All but one, Hiashi Hyuuga was kneeling at the head of the room, a scroll on his lap.

They knew he was dead, as his head was currently sitting next to his body on a silk pillow.

No one could make any sense of the tragic loss of one of the richest, most powerful clans by their own hands. The Uchiha massacre could at least be written off as Itachi's insanity, but what could have possessed the entire Hyuuga clan to commit suicide like this?

In the quiet of the setting sun, three days later the answer came to light to a small group of ninja. Hinata Hyuuga was clinging to the somber and caring arm of Naruto Uzumaki, who she had requested be there to help her. Kurenai Yuhi sat behind her holding Hanabi in her arms, as the younger girl hadn't come out of a fugue state, save when she was holding Kurenai's young child. The two-year old girl seemed to bring out a caring side to the shell shocked Hyuuga. Finally Neji sat a microscopic distance away from the two girls, his eyes focused on them, while his fingers intertwined with Tenten. Everything about him seemed to be controlled and rigid as was proper for a Hyuuga, but for the past two days he'd been a mother hen to the two sisters, his own cheeks soaked with tears of his own.

Tsunade looked at the assembled shinobi quietly, her face more careworn and tired, since she'd never fully recovered from Pein's invasion of Konoha. Shizune had been very shocked when Tsunade turned down sake and gambling after recovering enough to go back to work, instead asking for some tea and a romance novel. She had also started pestering Naruto to become a jounin and get back to his dream of taking the damn job from her.

But that was a story for another time, when she could sit with a cup of tea in front of a fireplace, while the flames chased away the chill from her old bones. Today was something that made her feel positively ancient. She had been the first to unroll the scroll, and now it was her turn to present it to the family.

"Hanabi, Hinata, Neji..." she began, getting all the attention of the assembled ninja. "It is with a heavy heart that I asked you to come here... and I hope that this scroll does not burden you as it did me..."

Unrolling the scroll for the second time since it had been given to her she read it off softly.

_My dearest Sunny Place, my dazzling Fireworks, and my Whirl of manhood,_

_It is with a heavy heart that I scribe this to you three, for by the time you read this, the entire world as you know it will have changed. And for this I must explain, and apologize. In the past few generations, the Hyuuga clan has changed from proud supporters of Konoha, into an insular shade of what we had been. You three have been brought up in hopes to alter this._

_Hanabi, the dazzling Fireworks of my life, you are the youngest Hyuuga alive, and have been such for many years. This has been so because many of the branch families refused to bring up a child with the curse seal placed on their forehead, and I agree. You have such a brilliant spark in you, I hope that you let that burn brightly as a Will of Flames to support your sister, your cousin, and all of Konoha._

_My darling Hinata, the Sunny Place of my heart, you remind me so much of your mother it hurt to be so cruel to you. When she died, I felt the world would end, and nothing could ever right it again. However, one night shortly after her funeral you in your innocence came to me with a nightmare, and I couldn't help but see your mother in you. It was at that time, I hoped to ensure that the Hyuuga would not crush you down as it had your mother. Sadly the only way to do this, was to become the demon you feared, and send you away with Yuhi Kurenai. I hope that your peaceful nature, and giving heart, will help guide the future Hyuuga clan._

_Neji, son of my brother, you have caused my heart to Whirl with pride and joy as you continue everyday to excel and surpass my expectations. I could not have been more pleased with you if you were my own son. I know I may not have said it nearly often enough, along with so many other things, but your father loved you more than anything one could imagine in this world. When he left you, it tore him up so badly inside. Hizashi would have been so very proud of you, that I cannot express in words what he would have felt._

_I am leaving to you three only a few things, that I pray you share wisely amongst yourselves. First, as I have seen the decent into madness that having an entire clan's lands filled with nothing but the ghosts of the past can cause. So instead of leaving them in your names, each of you are to move into a long abandoned five bedroom house on the very edge of the Hyuuga grounds. And then the land is to be sold to Konoha at cost. You have no need for money, so I ask that you sell to those that would use the land to better Konoha, and not just horde it as we had._

_Second, I leave the ritual to remove the Cage Bird Seal, but not the way to apply it. I have personally destroyed any trace of that seal's creation. I wish for you to never bind yourselves to the folly that our ancestors had about separating the branch families and the main house. Instead I only ask that you all watch over each other, and guard your family as family is meant to._

_Third, I leave perhaps the most intelligent words I have ever voiced..._

"_Let your heart speak in all that you do."_

_My deepest apologies for everything,  
Hiashi Hyuuga._

As Tsunade rolled up the scroll and set it aside, the only sound in the room was the sobbing of Hinata and Hanabi into the shoulders of Naruto and Kurenai respectively. Kurenai's daughter Ai was hugging her aunty Hanabi tightly, looking worried as she was crying. Tsunade's eyes drifted over to Neji, to find him hugging Tenten fiercely as tears poured from his eyes.

Tsunade slowly unfolded herself from her seat, and walked over to the group of lost and confused people, and pulled them into a massive bear hug. No words needed said at this point, as Hisashi had stated. "_Let your heart speak in all that you do."_


	111. His Own Path

This one is for luckykas, hope you like it.

* * *

Naruto had been awakened from the sleeping genjutsu that had fallen over the entire chuunin exams crowd. However, Naruto didn't await orders when he felt something wrong with his precious people, instead he sprang away towards the massive purple cube sitting in the middle of the village.

Landing at the outer edge of the ANBU sitting there and watching he frowned, finding that not a single one of them made a move to help his Jii-san. Something wasn't right, and after a few minutes of observing them, he figured it out. The cube blocked people from coming in from the sides and the top, but he could see that it didn't cover the ground as well. He could use this.

Dropping off the roof, he found a window ledge and used it to enter the building. Thankfully this building was fairly open, and he could remember the layout of the cube above. Getting to one of the corners, he smirked as he found that the corner only stuck out of the ceiling an inch, giving him the perfect target. A wad of explosive tags later, and he was on his way back to the roof.

Getting back up there, he found the ANBU still sitting there like bumps on the log. "Hey, what are you idiots doing? Go help him!"

One ANBU, wearing a bear mask turned to him, and sighed. "We tried, and can't get through that purple wall kid... go help the others fight..."

"BAH!" Naruto snorted before forming the right hand seals "KAI!"

The massive explosion not only took out the corner, but launched the enemy ninja up into the barrier that prevented those inside from just attacking him. The resulting red paste fell to the rooftop as the barrier collapsed from the missing support. "And that's how you do it, now go help the Hokage!"

Bear let out a grizzly chuckle as he began heading in to help the Hokage fight. "I like your style kid... come with me, and show us some of that guts you had at the Chuunin exams."

Naruto didn't need to be told twice, and the fight that he and the ANBU charged into could only be classified as a one sided massacre... of Oto forces. Halfway through, Naruto summoned Gamabunta, who squished an entire squad of Oto ninja, and the top three floors of the building. It was during this that the turning point occurred. As Orochimaru was summoning forth the Kusanagi, the collapse of the building caused his head to snap in the wrong direction at the wrong moment, sending the blade through the snake, and his brain to end up sticking out of the top of his skull.

The rest of the Oto forces seemed to sense the loss of their leader, as the vast majority suddenly stopped and surrendered. Many of them seemed to be rubbing the base of their necks, and looking around in stunned wonder at everything around them.

Gamabunta looked at the squishy red past that coated his foot silently before sighing. "Kid, you owe me some sake for this one..." Looking up, he caught something that made his frown deepen. "What the hell is Shukaku doing over there?"

"Huh? Oh, well if Jii-san's okay..." Naruto answered back, looking at Sarutobi, who was organizing the containment of the prisoners. "I guess we can go help over there now..."

As Naruto rode off astride Gamabunta, Bear stood next to the Hokage with a proud stance to his body, and in a bemused tone asked. "So... when's he taking his Jounin exams?"


	112. Genjutsu Hell

Another one for Aracade

* * *

Naruto slumped against the training dummy, his chest heaving with exertion. He'd done it, he'd finally learned a genjutsu, well... more that he made one, but he no longer was completely useless at genjutsu anymore, and with his training he could actually detect them now.

Now he just had to find another target to ensnare with his genjutsu to test it out...

As his luck would have it, Team Kurenai and Team Kakashi arrived just as he was levering himself up from the ground. "Hey Kurenai-sensei! I just made a genjutsu!"

"Maa maa... that's impressive Naruto... but genjutsu for you would take years... you used Shadow clones..." Kakashi started, only to correct himself mid-sentence.

"Only 1000... or so for the past seven days..." Naruto admitted sheepishly, causing everyone to sweatdrop at the sheer chakra reserves the blonde possessed. They didn't even want to think how many years of training he had gotten during the past week.

"You baka... you were supposed to take the week off!" Sakura snapped, resisting the urge to thump her teammate. "You were nearly killed, and Tsunade-sama ordered you to take the week off to recover!"

"But Sakura-chan! I did take the week off... I just laid back while all my clones trained... ask Hinata, I took her out for lunch for the past three days..." Naruto replied, while backing away from the pink haired fury from hell.

"No sense in complaining about the past... let's see the genjutsu Naruto... what do you call it?" Kurenai cut in, covering for the blushing and squirming heiress.

"Oh I was thinking of calling it the Depths of Hell... and it makes a person see their own personal hell..." Naruto explained with a sheepish grin.

"Show me!" Kiba challenged stepping out in front of the blonde. "I doubt you could even attempt to do it! Right Akamaru?"

As Kiba turned to look at his dog, his eyes bugged at the sight that greeted him. Akamaru looked like he had passed through a blender, and then burnt to a crisp. The only thing recognizable was tufts of white fur, and the skull bone. It was then that he realized this had to be the genjutsu... he just had to break it.

Naruto watched as everyone began panicking about something, and realized that something had gone wrong with his jutsu. Hinata was the first to break free with her Byakugan flaring to life, she only took one look at him before leaping over and pulling him tightly into her arms. The others released themselves eventually, and as one turned to glare at Naruto. "CHAKRA CONTROL!"

Naruto sweatdropped nervously under the metric ton of killer intent rolling his way from the inadvertent subjects of his test. "Yeah... I should work on that..."


	113. Thirteen Orphans

Thirteen Orphans and Four Gates

Iruka pulled his surviving students around him, holding them as many cried for their dead family. Naruto, Sasuke, and Shino seemed to be the ones handling this the best. As far from what he could tell, this band of thirteen orphans were the only ones left in all of Konoha. A group called Akatsuki had attacked Konoha and destroyed everything, all to get the Kyuubi.

The container of said demon had actually been the one part that helped them win the day. While Iruka was busy getting the academy students in his care to the false safety of the caves, Naruto had slipped away and watched at the only man he considered a grandfather figure was cut down by the invaders.

After that, the battle had changed from a one sided slaughter, to a one sided massacre in Konoha's favor. Naruto ripped through to four tails of Kyuubi's chakra, and began shredding through the enemy. Only one was left in the end, when Naruto finally slowed his destructive rampage.

The man, known as Tobi by his colleagues had called him was still breathing, despite having half his body ripped apart by the Kyuubi. His final words had been disturbing to say the least. "I... should... have... gone... lowest... first..."

Sasuke looked at the corpse of his older brother silently, he had wanted to kill the murderer of his clan, but now he owed that dobe Naruto. He would have to think about how to repay him later. But for now he had to remain strong for the broken members of his class. They'd have to figure out what they would do. They could possibly rebuild Konoha, but that would take forever, and they'd never be able to be as strong as they had been.

Something caught the failed avenger's attention, in the remains of Itachi's cloak was a piece of paper. "The Dimensional Gates..." Sasuke read off curiously as he pulled the paper out. "Length, Depth, Width, and Time?"

=Five years later =

After many ordeals, the thirteen orphans found themselves facing the temporal gate. They knew that in order to activate the power of the gate, one of them would have to remain behind and shut the gate. All of them knew that if they were the one to remain they would be the only one who didn't know the adventures they had and the bonds that they held with each other.

None of them wanted to suffer that, but each knew that none of them wanted to put the others through that pain. The debate about the one who would remain raged between the group. Sasuke was first, then Sakura, who was countered by Tenten, and so on, until such time as almost all of them were embroiled in the argument. All of them but one.

One stood back as the gates opened wide, while the others completely ignored it. Two red lengths of red chakra formed out of his backside, and Naruto used them to shove all the squabbling thirteen through the gates. Only Iruka managed to react in time to stop himself from falling through by clinging to the edge of the gate. "Naruto! Don't do this!"

"I'm sorry sensei... but I've seen too much... when you get back... buy me some ramen..." Naruto answered sadly while he pried off Iruka's fingers and sent him spiraling into the void. Turning away, he began the process of closing the gates. While they slowly closed, he felt a calling from his tenant, and decided to humor the fox demon. Finding himself in front of the massive sealed gates, he sighed heavily. "What do you want Kyuubi?"

"**Let me out... if this world is doomed already, would it be so bad that I get out?**" the smiling fox asked with evil intent rolling off it in waves. "**Let me destroy this world!**"

Naruto crossed his arms over his chest and sighed. "I do that... and I die... might as well since everyone I care about is either dead or back in the past..." Walking forward, he yanked off the seal his father's spirit had long ago warned him against removing. "Been nice knowing ya fuzzbutt."

"**You're not too terrible yourself brat...**" Kyuubi snarled as he poured out of Naruto's body, it turned around to look at the cooling form that had been its prison for this past sixteen years. Without a second thought it turned away and flicked a tail, sending the brat into the portal just before the gate slammed shut with a loud clang.

The last thing that Naruto saw as death was slowly clawing at him was Kyuubi smile sadly at him, and the gates close before darkness took him. The next thing he knew, he was waking up in the orphanage, staring up at the ceiling. If he had to guess by the cracks in the ceiling, and the cold breeze blowing in, he was four years old, and it was the day before he ran away.

His plans to leave were curtailed later that day when a young chuunin, recently assigned to the academy came to adopt him. The familiar scar on the chuunin's nose brought a smile to his face, despite the people warning him against his choice.

There was only one answer Naruto could think of at that moment. Running at the chuunin, he hugged him tightly and let out a happy laugh. He was going home.


	114. But I'm a Boy!

Curious idea, might be explored more in the future...

* * *

**But I'm a Boy!**

Iruka Umino was having a good day today, his job as a teacher had proved to be one of the most fulfilling career choices he could have made, even if the children were hellions at times, and his fellow teachers were all a little on the completely insane side of life. He'd had his favorite ramen for lunch, finished out the school year, and now he had all summer to read his books. Life was good for him.

Naruto Uzumaki was having a terrible day today, he had ran away from the orphanage two years ago, sick of the pain and hatred. He'd run into a few of the gangs that roamed the streets, lead them into fights with each other, nearly got killed when a knife impaled the wall next to his head, fell into the drainage ditch, took a bath in the cold river, and wasn't able to steal any food at all today. Indeed today was among the worst he'd ever had.

It's a bit curious that fate would counter the two extreme days in the most practical way possible. Naruto collided with Iruka's legs, sending the two sprawling. It was further complicated that Naruto's head impacted the corner of a building, sending him into unconsciousness. Iruka looked at the child that had hit him, and immediately began worrying about the little girl.

Scooping her up, he began carrying her carefully to the nearest clinic he could find. After checking her in, and getting her checked over, Iruka had only one other issue to deal with. He had no idea what her name was, or where her parents where. Judging from how dirty and rail thin the girl had been, she hadn't been fed in a while, and most likely was on her own for a long time.

The nurse had assured him that the girl wasn't in danger anymore, but she should be watched over for the next couple days. She was also just barely on the edge of being classified as malnourished, so they would have to call child services.

Iruka didn't have long to wait before the child services representative arrived. To say that she was not what he had expected, would have been like saying that there was a little lesbianism undertones in the anime Strawberry Panic. An understatement somewhere around the level of Death Star laser blasts.

Anko Mitarashi was not the conservatively dressed woman in a power suit that he had been expecting... instead wearing skin tight black leather, and a trench coat that he was fairly certain would have terrified any kid that survived the roar of her motorcycle's arrival. When she spoke, he was really debating going to hide in one of the examination rooms, with a full physical waiting for him.

"Are you Iruka?" at the teacher's nod, she smiled and extended her hand. "I'm Anko Mitarashi, and I'm Naru's social worker..."

"Naru? Is that the girl I ran into?" Iruka asked worriedly, "I hope she's not in any trouble..."

"Yep, that's her, she goes by Naruto Uzumaki normally, and has a slight problem..." Anko admitted quietly with a heavy sigh. "See, she has been through several foster homes, and always ends up running away because the parents can't accept that she wants to be a boy... Our psychologists insist that this is only a phase... but we need to find someone that accepts her as a boy, but still tries to introduce her to the feminine life..."

Iruka watched as Anko's eyes softened talking about the girl. There was something about this girl that made the social worker want to see her happy... and her interest was more than just professional. She had a deep attachment to the blonde. "I see... What will happen to her after she's finished being treated?"

"She will be put back into the system... but to be honest her options are running slim..." Anko admitted with a heavy sigh. "Look you seem like a nice guy, but I have to ask... it's part of my job... did you assault her on purpose?"

"No I didn't..."

"Okay..." Anko replied with a sigh, going into many more questions that Iruka knew were practically being read off a script at this point. His mind instead turned to the girl in the clinic's bed, currently unconscious. One of his students, Haku Momochi was a girl that claimed to be a boy all the time, and got very offended if you called her on it.

The councilor at school, had dived into the rules, and found that the school had an actual male student uniform, and that if she wore that, Haku would be fine. Mr. Mishikoto was not very popular with the teachers, but had prevented any major problems with more than a few of the students, so he was kept on.

None of the girls took Haku for anything other than another girl, but still accepted her as the boy she wants to be. In fact he knew of at least two that were trying to hook up with Haku. The other 'prince' of the school knew she was female, and wanted to live that way, but she wore the male uniform to stand out. Sasu Uchiha was sadly a mental issue of another shade, she was obsessed with her older brother and wanted to kill him for the murders of their parents.

Maybe she could help Naru out, if she wanted to be a boy...

"And now I guess this is where you go back home, Mr. Umino..." Anko stated while closing her notepad. Iruka blinked as that caught his attention, and he held up a hand.

"Actually Ms. Mitarashi... would it be alright if I talk to her when she wakes up? I... I know another girl in a similar scenario... and I could probably help her out..."

Anko seemed very surprised at the offer to help out the girl, after a moment her eyes softened and a warm smile spread across her face. "Sure, I think she'd like that..."

Two days later, Iruka was escorting a smiling and nervous blonde into his apartment. "Welcome home Naruto... just us two guys... I have a few rules, but we'll get to know each other first. Naruto... I hope that you'll be comfortable here..."

The wannabe boy smiled up at the teacher that had adopted her and hugged him tightly around the waist. "Thank you... pops..."

Iruka blinked in shock at the new designation, but slowly a smile spread on his face and he hugged the girl back. "You're welcome dear."


	115. Konoha Mobile Assault Force

Tenten purred softly as she worked the protective coating onto her beautiful, wonderful, destructive, explosive, and devastating little baby Napoleon. She was so glad that she'd managed to work out that little dent that Napoleon had gotten chasing after those damn Iwa raiders, it had made Napoleon so very upset that they'd damaged him, and it was all Tenten could do to stop him from grinding them into paste under his treads, especially once Naruto had cut them off in his bike.

Maybe Napoleon was jealous about the twin chakra fueled turret mounted cannons on the front of the bike's housing. And she wished she could give him a set of them, but she just didn't have the chakra to fuel them. Hugging his barrel she cooed soothingly while stroking its length lovingly with a buffing cloth. True it was only about three feet long, but it was his main cannon and still packed enough punch to give Naruto a run for his money. The only problem is she was limited on the number of rounds she could carry, and she had to make room enough for the Vulcan cannon's housing and heat sinks.

But Napoleon was still her sweet widdle cuddley baby of ultimate destruction, and like all babies he needed a lot of attention and care. Pulling out a wrench she disappeared into the engine houseing, looking for the clutch that she had noticed was sticking slightly. Just a small adjustment later and she was ready to take Napoleon on a patrol, all she had to do was wait for her patrol partner.

A subtle hum filled the air, bringing a smile to her face. As the hum built to a roar, she noticed that Napoleon had turned his turret so that he could see the arrival. Patting him lovingly she smiled as a burnt orange and black capsule bike rolled into the parking garage. Speak of the devil, and he will arrive. The bike pulled up next to Napoleon, and retracted back revealing a leather clad Naruto smiling up at Tenten. "Hey, I put in that order for grease you asked for, and found out they've got another new round for you to test after our patrol tonight."

Tenten's squeal of joy filled the air, as she pounced Naruto in a glomp. Somehow the two cleared his bike entirely and landed on one of the rolling creeper sending them skidding across the ground and behind a wall. Napoleon looked after them before shaking his turret and looking at the bike next to him. Letting out a soft purr, he asked (_Are mommy and daddy doing naughty things again nee-san?_)

The bike let out a hiss of air that sounded reminicent of a sigh and blinked its lights twice before replying. (_Yes Neo-kun, they most likely are..._)

(_We're going to be late for our patrol Joan-nee-san..._) the tank bemoaned, wishing their parents wouldn't be doing something that would most likely get them in trouble with grandma Tsunade... again...

(_Nothing else to do but wait..._) Joan answered again, leaning against Neopolian's treads tiredly, (_We'll give them five minutes, then you can shoot a warning shot with your Vulcan..._)

(_Okay..._) the tank agreed popping up a countdown on his internal clock. And thus another day of Konoha's Mobile Assault Forces began again.


	116. Canon Threesome

**Threesome**

A challenge by Mouserr2255

Challenge: Take Naruto and two members of the opposite sex, and write a plausible start to a story in which a threesome is the end result while remaining in canon.

Response: See Below

Naruto had a problem. It wasn't even something major like an invasion or attack by missing nins. No, for the first time since he went on his training mission with Jiraiya, he'd had time to think. And thus came about his main problem.

For the first time in ages, a celebration was to be held for a victory, without having to mourn the loss of brave friends and colleagues. And he was to be the guest of honor since he'd been instrumental in the defeat of Pein and resurrection of the entire population of Konoha. The only thing they wanted him to do, was bring a date.

On one hand, he had Hinata, who had stood up to what was thought to be Pein himself all for the love of him. Apparently she'd loved him since the academy, and that she had been the one to do those nice things for him while he was growing up. She was the one that gave him medicine that helped him so much during the Chuunin exams, always made him smile when she talked with him, and blushed so heavily while stuttering before fainting.

Thinking about it, he wondered how he couldn't have noticed her feelings for him earlier. The answer was likely the matter on the other hand. Sakura had been serious about her admission of feelings for him apparently, and had been trying to get him to accept them ever since Sasuke was incinerated. She'd been taking him out for ramen, talking with him after practice, really training with him, and even helping him get ready for becoming the next Hokage. It was his lifetime of feelings that made him want to take her, but the lifetime of feelings that Hinata had shown for him couldn't be discounted either. Leaving him in his current confused state.

Sighing, he stirred his bowl of ramen slowly, thinking things through. It might have surprised many people to find Naruto actually sitting down and thinking about things instead of just plowing through, but the location he was in was one that he'd always gone to when lost, confused, or wanting to cry. In front of the academy, there had once been a tree with a swing hanging from one of its branches. Now, there was a simple playground, with a canopy and a single swing underneath. Instead of the simple wooden and rope swing he'd grown fond of while a kid, it was a chain much more elaborate three seat metal and cloth padding. Three seats if you were a child, insanely skinny, or very friendly.

Looking up at the classroom holding his best, if only, source of advice on such matters prisoner, he sighed and shook his head. He was a grown up ninja, and should be able to deal with such matters as the potential breaking of the heart of one of the two best female friends he ever had. Even worse, if he picked neither, he'd be hurting both of them.

Why couldn't it be something easy to face, like an invasion by all the other ninja nations at once. He knew that he could go and ask Baa-chan, or Kakashi-sensei, but he didn't feel right asking them. And the only one that had found out about the dilemma gave him the worst possible advice ever.

"If you can't chose brat, then take them both..." Anko had offered after he admitted his problems to her at kunai tip. She'd even greeted him in a very familiar way, slicing open his cheek and then licking off the blood. He seriously worried about her sometimes. It felt like she was going to do things while he slept that would send all three sannin and any kage in the area running for the hills. But her idea had fueled the tiny little spark of perversion that Jiraiya had fanned so heavily on their trip.

He'd considered using his Kage Bunshin to take both of them to the celebration, but then figured that Hinata would be able to see through that, and Sakura knew his clones well enough that she'd not be fooled at all. Slipping into one of the meditative poses that the toads had taught him for his sennin training, he let his thoughts seek the balance that he needed to use his sage mode.

Little did he know that he wasn't the only one thinking about the matter. On the other side of Konoha, in a dumpling shop, two women were having a meeting concerning the common problem they shared. "Hinata... we're both only hurting him right now..."

"I... I know Sakura-san... b...but we.... we have to follow our hearts..." Hinata answered while playing with her dango stick. "I... I love him..."

"And so do I..." Sakura answered with a heavy sigh. This wasn't like her rivalry with Ino, this was much more calm and peaceful affair. The two of them knew that the man in question would return their affections, and that he would always make sure that both of them would be happy and try the best he could to help the loser move on past him.

They knew that Naruto was going to have to make the choice, and that if they tried to force the matter, there would only be one end result. Tsunade would make sure to make them suffer painfully. If they forced the issue, Naruto would feel more pressure, which would lead to him stressing out, that would lead to Tsunade getting annoyed and worried, she would figure out who was causing the issue with Naruto, and then she would show them her disapproval.

That thought had caused Sakura to shudder and curl into a protective ball. When Hinata had asked what the problem was, she decided that the answer was not worth find out. And thus as an apology she took the pink haired girl out for a snack to calm her nerves.

They'd been in the shop for about a half hour, debating about what to do when someone offered them a solution that had never occurred to the before. In the oddest way possible. Anko had gone up to the counter they were sitting next to, and began debating annoyingly loud about two dango plates. But what had caught their attention most of all, was what she'd said at the end. "Oh if only I didn't have to choose... I'd take them both!"

That drew a blush from Hinata, and a scheming look on Sakura's face while she turned to look Hinata over. It was true that Hinata was the heiress of the Hyuuga clan, and had been working hard to eliminate the caged bird seal on the branch clan members. And that she'd been utterly loyal to Naruto ever since the first day of the Academy, it was entirely possible that she could accept the offer. She would just have to word it properly to get her to agree.

"Say Hinata? We said that we didn't want to pressure Naruto into choosing one of us, right?" Sakura started with a small smile on her face. Seeing Hinata's confirming nod, the smile spread wider across her face. "Well, what if we don't make him choose? After all, we could all be friendly... and just see about dating him at the same time..."

Hinata's face went from normal to tomato red so fast that Sakura was certain that she had rerouted blood from the rest of her body. "No! Don't faint Hinata, just hear me out... I'm just sayi... and you've passed out..." Sakura started only to trail off as her companion went face first into the table of their booth. "Maybe I should have started differently..."


	117. Carded

Naruto was working the little plot of land that the Hokage had put aside for his garden, when his spade struck something metallic. Digging up the object he'd struck, he found a curious metal box waiting in the hole. Brushing it off, he found a strange eye-like design staring back at him. "Woah... cool..." dusting it off some more he felt a little chakra leak out, and heard a hiss of air as the box opened.

Inside the box was a strange pile of cards with backs covered in a red field, with gold trims and black ovals in the center. Turning them over he found that there were several pictures of monsters, spells, and traps. The traps got his attention, after all, he was a prankster and traps would be a lot like pranking people, and some of those monsters would be fun if he could get them to come off the cards.

He was holding up a pair of cards when one of them started drawing his chakra and glowing. He fell back as a giant brown insectoid thing with a huge mouth of fangs, horns, and blades of chitin on its arms. "Oh shit..." Naruto swore as he scrambled away while the monster continued swinging at him. "KAI KAI KAI KAI MOTHER FUCKING KAI!!!"

What happened was not what he was expecting, instead of the monster disappearing, another one drew in his chakra, and summoned a cute blonde girl in bizarre blue armor with pink ruffles appeared out of nowhere. She looked at the bug monster, and just blasted it away with a glowing ball of energies from her staff.

Naruto looked between the smiling and giggling woman in front of him, and the crater that had once been the bug monster dude. His ten year old mind carefully processed everything that had happened, and then calmly did the only thing it could think to do. It shut down and sent Naruto into blackness.

"Oh dear... that wasn't supposed to happen..." mused the magical girl as she poked the boy with her staff.

Kneeling next to the unconscious boy, she began petting his hair with a huge smile on her face. "He's kinda cute... reminds me of Prince..."

Leaning forward she kissed his forehead and whispered in his ear. "My name is Mana, the spirit of the Dark Magician Girl... I hope you'll be my new Prince..." she whispered softly before pulling him onto her lap and petted his hair gently. A smile spread over her face as she continued petting the sleeping boy.

Meanwhile, across the village, there was cards of another nature being unleashed on the world. Hinata stared blankly at the yellow bear thing in front of her with wide panic filled eyes. "Bear... out... of... book..."

The thing was about to speak, when she fainted and landed on the ground with a solid thunk. Rubbing the back of his head, the bear thing looked down and sighed. "At least this one doesn't have an odd girlish squeal..." Leaping down the bear poked the unconscious girl carefully. "I wonder if this one has a lesbian stalker as well..."

On the kunai throwing range, Tenten let out a loud sneeze.

Back in the library, the bear settled in on Hinata's stomach and pondered what was going to happen next. "Well whoever you are... welcome to the ranks of card captors..."


	118. Naruto's New Stalker

With much thanks to slicerness for inspiring this idea...  


* * *

Naruto had seen many things throughout his life, even if it had only been eighteen years since he'd been brought into this world cold, wet, and naked. But he had to admit this was a first for him. He was being stalked, and not for anything he himself could understand.

Unlike Sasuke's fangirls, this kunoichi seemed to be interested in only one thing, and what made it worse was that he usually got beaten for using the jutsu they're asking about. So he reacted like most sane, rational, brave, mighty shinobi would in such situations. He hid under his bed cuddling his stuffed fox while sucking his thumb hoping the crazy woman would go away.

"Naaaaaruuuuu-kuuuuuuun leeeeeet Naaaaaaaruuuu-chaaaaaan plaaaaaayyyy!!!" the dreaded voice of his deranged lesbian stalker sang from on the street, she knew he lived in the area, but due to several dozen precautions he'd taken with the help of nearly every chuunin level or higher ninja he knew, she couldn't get any closer than she had. That still didn't stop him from curling further into a ball and whimpering.

He still remembered how she first discovered about his female form. He'd been out at Training Grounds 42 working on mastering all the jutsu he'd ever came across when he dusted off the good old sexy no jutsu. No sooner had the smoke cleared than he saw her standing there drooling. The look in her eyes hadn't really assured him of his continued safety in that form, so he reverted back and began apologizing.

She waved off his apology and left, but the next time he was training, there she was. Asking if he ever trained in that female form, since the balance and strength of that body would be different from what he was used to. When he answered in the negative, she pouted and asked if he would think about it.

Every time he would go out training, she would be waiting, always asking about training in the female form, always disappointed when he refused. She would then leave to go off, and he assumed train elsewhere. This went on for about three weeks, before something changed. She began being more insistent on him training as a woman.

By the end of the fifth week, she was pretty much begging, and bribing him with meals of ramen to train as a female. He couldn't figure out why she was so demanding about something he doubted he'd ever do in a battle. So he continued to deny her request, and went about his normal training routine.

That's when it got disturbing, she would start showing up at random while he'd go throughout his day. At the ramen stand, she would be waiting with a bowl ordered for him, still steaming fresh from the pot. At the Hokage's office, she'd be standing outside the door, smiling at him and commenting about how he'd enjoy the day much more as a woman. At the Baths, she'd be sitting on the divide naked as a jaybird asking why he wasn't coming over to the girl's side.

She was even following to his home district and calling out for him to transform all night. Why the hell was she being so insistent? He couldn't figure that out. It seemed more and more that she wanted his female form... in the same way Sasuke's fangirls wanted to rape the anal retentive Uchiha survivor. His eyes bugged out when the thought sunk in. She was, a lesbian, out to make hot, sweet, monkey love to his female form.

Curling into a tighter ball, he whimpered and wonder if Tsunade might be able to save him from the stalker. Like a mission deep in Land of Lightning for him, while she was assigned somewhere in on the OTHER side of Land of Wind.


	119. Last Man Standing

For Aracade who left a review containing the following challenge... "Ooh CHALLENGE! Thanks to Madara, Naruto is now the Last man on earth... He can't repopulate the planet however because of a single normaly timid problem. Hinata has finaly laid claim on him and she is dead set on wiping out anyone who tries to take him. For the survival of the human race or not."

* * *

There was many things that had came about due to Madara's plan to take over the world. The one that people expected the least was that he'd kill off all the men in the world, save the last of the jinchuuriki. The eight tails had been tricked by Kisame, and had his bijuu extracted, leaving only one male in the entire world.

Now normally this male would be required to submit to protective custody to help repopulate the planet. But it seemed his protective custody had 'other plans' for she took him into hiding shortly after he defeated Madara and the rest of the Bijuu. And thus the hunt for Naruto Uzumaki and Hinata Hyuuga was on.

It had been five months with no results of the questing the kunoichi population was starting to despair, while the civilians were in open depression and dismay.

There was one rumor, about a team from Konoha almost finding them, before they blacked out and suddenly woke up three days and several miles away. A simple medical diagnostic by their medi-nin turned up that they'd all be knocked out by a Jyuuken strike, and their memory of where they were searching had been fuzzed out. The team in question has never been named, nor could anyone confirm the rumors.

In one ramen hut, on the outskirts of Konoha's border, there was a heated debate going on. "I don't know Tenten, why do we even have a standard operating procedure for something like this?" a blonde girl with pupiless blue eyes asked curiously.

"I've read over the contingency plans book cover to cover several times..." Tenten answered while sipping some tea. "They have plans for nearly any type of emergency... though their plan for if women died off consists of kissing their asses goodbye."

"Here's your ramen!" A brunette girl with shimmering emerald eyes and a deep tan complexion sang out while putting the bowls in front of the girls. "Why so glum?"

Tenten turned to look at the girl and sighed. "Well Motoko-san, it seems that our search is proving fruitless... we miss our friends... but we can't find them, and it's vital for the world's continuation to find them..."

"Is he that last man you guys were talking about a week ago?" Motoko asked curiously while pouring a new cup of tea for both of the stand's customers. Her partner Haruko walked out carrying a fresh pot of tea to replace the one that had just been emptied. Leaning over carefully, the long, black haired girl gave Motoko a tender kiss on the cheek. "Hey love, have you seen the two they're looking for? Hinata and Naruto, you remember from their pictures..."

"No Motoko-chan, now don't forget to clean out the grill tonight, you forgot last night..." Haruko scolded while wagging her finger. After a minute she smiled warmly to Motoko's pout and kissed her again gently. "Tell you what... clean it out, and I'll do... that... again tonight..."

Motoko seemed stunned for a minute before a huge grin split her face. "Right!"

One hour later, after much comforting discussion with the two stand owners, Tenten asked something that had been bugging her for the past week. "Motoko-san... I can't help but notice that Haruko-san doesn't do much work around here..."

"Oh that's just because she's preh... pretty sick lately... but she should be back on her feet soon, she's gotten a lot better since you two came to visit..." Motoko answered with a smile before setting to wipe the counter-top again. This caught Tenten and Ino's attention as she had just finished wiping it not even twenty minutes ago.

"She seems in good health to me..." Ino offered with a frown. "Are you sure she's not just taking advantage of your kindness?"

"Yes..." Motoko answered while studying the surface she was currently polishing to a blinding shine. "She was laid up in bed until last week... and is just getting back into shape..."

"Oh, in that case we can have the medic kunoichi that's relieving us tomorrow take a look at her before we go..." Tenten offered with a small smile. "If need be, we could take her to the hospital on our way back..."

"There's no need to trouble yourselves on our account," Motoko answered sweating somewhat more heavily than she had been a few minutes ago. "You'll see, she'll be wonderful tomorrow..."

"If you're sure..." Tenten offered calmly before a thump sounded next to her, a moment later blackness claimed her, with Haruko holding her finger straight at where the back of Tenten's neck had been.

"We have to leave Naru-kun..." Haruko stated with a strange sadness in her voice.

"I know Hina-chan... but we can't hide your pregnancy forever..." Motoko answered with a worried tone to her voice. "Let me take a job next time, and you can stay and rest..."

Haruko disappeared in a puff of smoke, revealing a pregnant Hinata rubbing her enlarged mid-section. "I told you Naruto-kun... I want to support you too..."

"I know love... just trust me..." Motoko answered before she reverted to the most hunted person in the world, his blonde hair shining in the evening sunlight. Kissing her forehead, he smiled sadly and pulled her into a hug. "I'll protect us both... and our child will remain safe..."

"I know Naru-kun..." Hinata purred softly as she relaxed into his arms. '_But you're mine... and mine alone..._'

The two were interrupted by the rustling of the entry curtain and the voice of a pink haired kunoichi entering. "Hey Tenten, Ino, I'm here earl... Naruto? Hinata?!"

As Sakura ran out of the stand, Naruto sighed, his eyes rolling skyward. "She never could stay out of my business..." For some reason he could almost swear he heard a giant fox shaped abomination to the laws of nature laughing at him.


	120. Kinky

As you might have noticed, there have been several changes made today... the first is that my Pen Name was changed to my more common pseudonym, as SR wouldn't work, the name of this has changed to reflect the new name, annnnnd due to THIS CHAPTER the rating has been upped to M from T.

New packaging, same great insanity folks!

* * *

Naurto had been called many things, demon, idiot, fool, dobe, dead last, fox brat, were just a few of the names he'd been called over the years. One thing he'd never been called was intelligent. So when Tenten pinned him to the wall with his own body weight of kunai, he was honestly confused. But when she lead in a rubber coated figure he couldn't recognize until he saw the blank lavender eyes, he was completely lost. "And now Naruto... you are going to worship me as your mistress, since you couldn't get the hint to be my boyfriend..."

"I don't suppose we can talk about this, right?" Naruto asked, while trying to pry himself free. For some reason, he didn't like the look that Tenten and the Hyuuga had in their eyes.

Hinata's eyes were oddly blank, and made him worry about her mental state, while Tenten's were the sharp and focused look that he'd seen her take on during combat. As he tried to pry himself off the wall, he noticed something new, wires were crisscrossing him tightly. "Oh don't try that my pet... those wires will cut you to shreds... just like your clothes..." Naruto spared a moment to glance at his arm to realize she wasn't lying, and that's when the cold breeze alerted him to the fact that it was almost all of his clothing that was gone.

"It would seem my precautions about your groin was a good idea after all... it would be a shame to remove that little friend of yours..." Tenten purred as she ran a finger over the blonde's perfectly still body. "And just think... you can heal perfectly from all non-lethal damage..."

"Tenten... I'm sorry I didn't figure out your feelings..." Naruto pleaded with a nervous laugh. "So how about letting me down and we'll talk about going out..."

"Oh it's far... far too late for that my dear..." Tenten purred as she nibbled on Naruto's ear. "See... I made the challengers for your affections my slaves..."

Naurto's eyes bugged as the heavy chested Hyuuga he still couldn't quiet place started rubbing her breasts against his legs. Each pass of her breasts either removed a piece of latex, or a few of the kunais holding the metal strings. "W...what? Others? But..."

"Oh? Didn't you know that there were people after your heart? You have quite the following my dear pet..." Tenten answered while lightly teasing one of his nipples, sending shivers along the blonde's spine. "Why, this one right in front of you has been in love with you since the academy..."

"Who?" Naruto asked, trying to see under the latex hood hiding the woman's face from view. For some reason her eyes were very familiar. Unbidden a name escaped his lips. "Hinata?"

"Oh? You recognized her finally..." Tenten purred before untying and removing the hood, to reveal Hinata staring at him vacantly with a strange gag placed over her mouth and chin. In the middle of the front was a circular piece that he could tell was removable, and looked just big enough for a mouth to fit around, if painfully. "Do you like what you drove her to? Such a sweet little thing..."

"I did... how?" Naruto asked in confusion as fear and uncertainty entered his mind.

"She came to me... crying her pretty little eyes out that she couldn't approach you directly, and that you always missed the signs..." Tenten answered while rubbing the rubber covered cheek of Hinata, who simply leaned into the petting. "It was easy enough to break her will enough to bring her under my powers, but by then I had done something stupid... I'd fallen in love... with you."

Tenten looked at Naruto who had a shocked expression on his face, staring at the blank eyes of Hinata nervously. Smiling sweetly she reached up and traced the whisker marks on Naruto's cheeks. "Didn't know that you were so loved... huh? But you continued to ignore us both... so now we're doing it directly, and make sure you submit to my will..."

"Uh... Tenten... that'd be very dangerous..." Naruto started, thinking about the demon currently sealed inside his stomach. "How about we go on a date? I'll pay for some Chinese food and Cinnamon Rolls..."

"Oh how sweet of you Naruto... that's why we fell in love... you always thought of the preferences of others..." Tenten cooed while Hinata began pawing at Naruto's remaining clothing. He knew that his reaction was evident to both of them. "But I have to agree with my dear slave Hinata... we're going to screw you until you can't see straight..."

As Naruto's mouth opened in protest, a large wad of his former pants were stuffed into his mouth effectively gagging him. "Soon the one that awakened me will arrive... and then we can all begin... until now... Hinata will ready you."

A trace of chakra later, Tenten pulled the circular section from Hinata's mask, giving Naruto a brief look at the plug, which seemed to be a disproportionately sized copy of his member. Hinata began licking around the wires pinning his hips down tenderly, until finally Tenten started guiding Hinata along, guiding her to the goal. Just before she reached there, a knock sounded on the door.

Tenten let Hinata continue her unaimed exploration while she went to greet the visitors. Naruto's heart sank into is toes, until he heard the sound of Lee saying he was here to deliver pizza reached his ears. He began screaming into the gag, trying to get help. After a minute he heard Lee repeatedly shouting "NOW!" to no avail.

Naruto's hopes of rescue were cut off along with Lee's voice, as another person entered the area. "So this is the resistance..." Sakura purred happily as she dumped Lee, Kiba, and Shikamaru into a heap in the middle of the room. "I should have known... I suppose we can break all four of them..."

"Yes my mistress..." Tenten purred kissing Sakura's neck lightly. "But first... your prize..."

"Oh yes..." Sakura answered before turning to look at the still pinned Naruto, who was getting tongue molested by Hinata. "It would seem he is ready..."

Sakura yanked on a leash, pulling a pink latex clad blonde in while a little swirly tail, and pink floppy ears swayed as she crawled in on her hands and knees, grunting softly. "Come here little piggy, it's time for your treat for being such a good little pet..."

Ino's squeals of pleasure were the last thing heard from the apartment, before the door closed.


	121. New Intros 13

Kakashi looked over his new genin squad curiously as they sat on the roof, soaking up the sunshin. To say they were not what he expected upon reading their files would be something of an understatement.

First was the minor fact that that the files mentioned nothing about any of them being anything but human, but sure enough two of them were anything but humans, and the third was a bit different.

The most normal of them was the black-haired boy, who was little more than parchment thin skin stretched over his bones. He was sitting next to a pair of skeletons that were sharpening a pair of axes with a steady rhythm only automatons could match. He was fairly certain that he didn't want to ask.

Next to the boy in desperate need of a meal, was a dragon. A large, pink dragon, which seemed to smile lustfully at the rail-thin survivor of the Uchiha clan. He was fairly certain that it was a dragon, but he'd never seen one so large around the midsection as this one.

He wasn't entirely certain, but the third one seemed to be a dump truck, that he had no idea how it possibly got up there. Even as he watched it changed into a man like assemblage of parts with a lot of oranges, reds, and grays throughout his body. On the center of his chest was a red mechanical representative of a stoic face, which shifted before his eyes into a round smiley face, before ending with his spiral mark he took as a clan symbol.

Yeah... he was never going to go out drinking the night before picking up his new gennin team again. Especially not when Gai makes it into a challenge.

He couldn't even identify half the drinks he'd had last night.

It had to be something he'd drank last night causing him to hallucinate, it's the only thing that made sense. Now if he could just get through the introductions, he could go get detoxified and this would all be just a bad memory.

"Alright kiddos, I'm Hatake Kakashi... your instructor..." he began calmly before indicating for them to continue. "Let's hear your introductions, starting with you oh gothic nightmare from beyond the grave..."

"Hn... I am the dread lord of your nightmares Sasuke Uchiha, me and my army of the undead shall lay waste to the worthless life that is my older brother, I shall then use him to rebuild my clan..." Sasuke snarled while gripping his leathery hands around a staff of bone that he summoned from thin air.

Kakashi wrote that off as his need to stop eating greasy foods while drinking.

Indicating the giant pink thing, he decided to keep this show going before he realized just how little sanity he had left. "You're up pinkie."

The screaming roar that followed that was either her answer or her protest to the nickname, but the throbbing pain in his head somewhat distracted him from finding out. The jet of flame that shot over his head made him kinda curious, her file didn't say anything about her knowing fire jutsu... he would have to test that someday.

Instead he pointed at the mechanical boy that was pulling various random things from his back. He wasn't sure, but that stack of Icha Icha first editions did look signed by the author and illustrator... maybe he should keep this kid around.

"How about you?"

"I am Naruto, and I'm good at _**NOTHING**_!" Naruto started pulling off a perfect demon head no jutsu on the word nothing. The fact that he was smiling, or at least Kakashi thought it was a smile, the entire time made it all the more unnerving. "I can turn into a garbage truck, and a motorcycle, and a helicopter, and a tank, and a banana!"

"What's all that junk you're pulling out?" Kakashi asked curiously, wondering when the men with lovely white coats would come for him.

"Oh! Wreck-gar-san said that I could pull out anything I ever wanted, and I just wanted to test that out... He and Sari-san told me I could be anything I want to be... and I want to be a HERO!" Naruto proclaimed while tossing a hole-filled sheet into the air. Somehow it spread out, and drifted down over his shoulders to serve as a cape, while he struck a pose that Gai would have been proud of. Maybe the men in white coats would be taking Naruto as well.

Kakashi watched them for a moment before nodding and turning away. "Screw this, I'm checking into the mental health institute again... you guys meet up at the Hokage's office sometime tomorrow, he'll figure out what to do with you."

And with that he teleported away to try and light the hospital on fire by rubbing two sporks together... again.


	122. DitR

October tenth was today, and Naruto hated it with every fiber of his being. He couldn't go to his apartment since people broke in every year and smashed up all his stuff, and he couldn't stay out in the village since others would come after him and smash up all his body's stuff.

So he did what he always did, he got a mission by the Hokage to go out of the village for the day. Today was a trip to a new cavern that had opened up, and help explore it. The ANBU he was working with had gray hair, and a lingering smell of dogs about him, but he didn't act like Kiba, so he couldn't have been an Inuzuka, right?

His eight year old mind agreed, emphatically.

Most of the exploration was done by the ANBU and science nins, but he'd be used for small areas, with a rope around his ankles to pull him out. Just in case.

One such area was a tiny, twisting tunnel cavern that led to a massive, opening with a single curious item inside. Pushing a button on his microphone he called back to the ANBU at the other end of his rope. "Hey Dog-sama? There's this weird pot thingie here... should I bring it out?"

"Sure kid..." Dog agreed while reading his favorite novel. They'd been hauling out tons upon tons of coins, gems, and other treasures, why get excited over a simple weird pot? "Heck, I bet if you ask nicely they'll even let you keep it."

Sure enough, the science nins took one look at the pot and told him to take it home. After all, with all the valuables they'd just gained, what was one copper teapot? He put it in his room, carefully hidden under his bed while he cleaned up his apartment from the devastation that the mob had inflicted on it this year. Somewhere along the way, he'd buried the lamp deep under his bed, next to a cup of ramen that had escaped his notice.

It wasn't until after he graduated from the ninja academy that he even thought about the strange little pot he'd gotten from the cavern exploration.

Well, when you track down blue smoke that filled your bedroom to said teapot, it tends to be a little hard to ignore. And for the first time ever, he could actually read the inscription, that wasn't there before or was it? Anyhow it seemed important.

"_Rub the lamp to get everything you ever dreamed of and more,_" was what it read, and for some reason, it made Naruto hungry for ramen. Five minutes later he was back with a bowl of the noodles from heaven, and studying the teapot, it was an odd thing to call a lamp, but it might have been from before they learned to use chakra or electricity.

Sitting there, he slurped his ramen and reread the message engraved in the side of the 'lamp', pondering if he should do what it said. It wouldn't be the first time that he'd been tricked by someone leaving a message for him on an object. "Maybe I should get jii-san..."

When the 'lamp' began to highly the '_Rub the lamp_' part of the message in neon blue letters, he really began to wonder if he hadn't hit his head a little too hard during his fight with Sasuke earlier today. Or maybe it was the love tap Sakura gave him to the top of his head, that left him impressed into the cement up to his eyes. He wasn't quite sure on the details there.

Finishing his bowl of ramen, he debated getting another as the 'lamp' sat there waiting for him to do something else. He really didn't want to fall for a trap again, but it was something he shouldn't draw others into if he could help it, so his mind went to the easiest subject for him to digest. Ramen.

Ramen was goodness brought down from the heavens above, and poured out into a bowl for the unworthy masses of humanity to sample before ascending to the endless seas of the wondrous broth, where the noodles swam free, while giant pieces of beef, pork, shrimp, miso, and egg floated lazily, giving rest to the spirits before they were consumed and the great migration to the source of all holy ramen was continued.

. . .

Oh right, maybe it was time to move on from his mind.

It would seem that the 'lamp' was sick of waiting, for while Naruto prayed to the heavens with a vacant expression, and a line of drool pouring out of his mouth, it poured out a blue arm with a golden band clasped around its wrist. The arm reached over, grabbed the boy by the collar of his kill-me-now-orange jumpsuit and yanked him over until he was inches from the 'lamp'. Very calmly it pointed to the words '_Rub_' and '_lamp_'.

How it managed it so precisely, he would never figure out, but he figured that if it wanted him to rub the lamp badly enough to drag him over by his collar, it was time do what it said and rub it. So he did, and out popped a cloud of blue smoke, which revealed A giant naked blue man with a red belt, two golden arm bracers, muscles to make a body builder cry, and an earring in his right ear. It seemed like only a side note that he noticed the tiny tuft of black hair on his head and chin strap beard with a curled tip or that it's legs were missing, replaced by a plume of smoke. "Ten-million years can give you such a crick in the..." whatever the hell it was started before being cut off.

"I NEED AN ADULT!" Naruto shouted, before getting a massive blue finger pressed against his mouth. The giant blue naked man smiled warmly as he leaned in to talk softly to Naruto.

"Listen kid, I'm a freelance genie here for your wish fulfillment, no limits save can't kill, bring back the dead, or make someone fall in love with you. Other than that, I've stopped your place from being burnt down about five times, destroyed about ten times, and only asked for a bit of ramen you left behind as payment..." he stated calmly while removing his finger. "Let's try this again, I'm Robin Williams, but you can call me Genie."

"Why can't I call you Robin?" Naruto asked curiously while he looked at the giant blue man. "Umm... thanks for helping me out though."

"Eh, I got the other name off this guy... umm... a loooooong time ago..." Genie answered with a shrug, "I prefer the name Genie... been mine for _**WAY**_ more centuries than I care to count."

"I see... well I'm Naruto... nice to meet ya..."

"How can I help ya out?" Genie asked, seeing Naruto's eyes glaze over and drool forming a river out the side of his mouth. "Umm... the ramen I can do, but... how about we see what else you need too..."

"Huh? Oh uh... right... so... how do we keep you secret?" Naruto asked indicating the blue smoke instead of legs, and well... his _**BLUE**_ness without many words used.

"Oh, I'll just ride around in your pocket or something, no big," Genie answered before shrinking to the size of a ryuu. "See?"

Naruto did the most logical thing he could think of.

He fainted.


	123. New Intros 14

Kakashi looked over his new genin squad curiously as they sat on the roof, soaking up the sunshine. To say they were not what he expected upon reading their files would be something of an understatement.

First was the tiny fact that he expected _**THREE**_ genin, not five, but he could deal with that later. No, it was more to the fact that three of the five were performing things he could almost quote word for word from Icha-Icha: Desserts – Whipped Cream Edition, signed by the author.

But he digressed, the blonde boy in the center being oiled up across his abs by two girls he couldn't quite place, though what that bun-haired brunette was doing to the boy's ear was threatening to send him rocketing away via nasal blood discharge, was most likely Naruto. He seemed to have traded in his orange jumpsuit for a pair of black pants, and a white silk dress shirt left open to expose his well defined abdominal and pectoral muscles. He did have to admit, the tanned look suited the boy who had grown his hair out to past his shoulders. Maybe he could get Iruka-koi to take lessons...

Wait... what?

Moving on to the left, he found... what he thought was Sasuke Uchiha... the make-up, black nail polish, and arm bandages were a bit worrying though. As was the actual storm cloud brewing over his head while he brooded over a book, that Kakashi could see was full of handwritten poetry of death, mourning, and hating his life. He also saw an web address for dead journal at the top of the page.

The music he was playing was also rather worrisome, Kakashi wasn't entirely sure, but that sounded like My Chemical Romance needed some of that chemical cocktail known as Prozac... but he wasn't a psychologist or anything like that, so he couldn't be certain.

The final one was perhaps the most troubling of all, barring just how low that Hyuuga girl's hands were going on Naruto's body. After all, how often do you see a pre-teen girl with bubblegum pink hair, playing tea party with a dolly that seemed to be her exact counter part. All the while talking about melting the flesh off people while they screamed in agony and begged for mercy, or raping a member of their newly formed team until he liked it, while smiling blissfully innocently.

Maybe he should have read their files a little bit more than that brief glance last night before bed...

But a ninja adapted and overcame any challenge set forth before them, for that was their job. And besides, how much more mentally scarring could they possibly be after his years of experience with Gai?

Kakashi wondered why he suddenly thought of that proverb about not asking questions that he didn't want to know the answer to. Instead of heeding the warning, he decided to start with Sasuke. "Alright, you oh dark, gloomy, and depressing, you're first for introductions."

Without even looking up, Sasuke began speaking in a morose sounding monotone, and Kakashi could swear he saw black lipstick on the boy. "My name is Sasuke Uchiha, and my life has been a spiraling pit of hellish self-loathing and misery ever since my older brother Itachi killed off my entire clan. I guess my goal is to avenge them, and until I do, I'll bear the scars of their deaths on my forever bleeding heart and soul."

. . .

Yeah, so he was in need of a sunshine enema to even get him to human levels of emotions, but he was dedicated to avenging his family. That had to count for something.

"Right then... we'll get you trained up so you can avenge your clan..." Kakashi answered before pointing at the pink haired one. "You with the dollies, you're up."

"And then I'll rip off his flesh to match that stupid mask he..." Sakura continued for a moment, before looking up at the instructor in surprise. Blinking a bit she smiled and nodded. "Just a moment, let me go get her..."

Kakashi could almost swear he heard a door inside her head open and close, stomping on stairs, and then a reverse accompanied by tiny squeaks of protests. But he was sure that was just his imagination. Before he could begin to second guess that, or move on, the lights returned to Sakura's eyes, and she shrank back visibly. "Um... Hello... I'm Sakura Haruno... I hope to be a brave and valiant kunoichi..."

Kakashi nodded and was about to switch over to Naruto, when she continued. "NO! I don't want to tell him that! You do it! But... Oh fine... take over..."

"Hello pathetic worms, my name is Sakura Haruno and I plan to peel your skins off and rub your bodies in salt," Sakura finished with a sweet smile before returning to her tea party, as if she hadn't threatened them with a gruesome and painful death.

"I'm almost afraid, but you being flanked by the girls... you're up..." Kakashi stated while pointing to the oiled up blonde.

"Yo, I'm Naruto Uzumaki and I'm the eros ninja," Naruto began in a smooth and soft voice that had the two girls beside him purring happily. "I hope to someday best my idol and the creator of the Icha-Icha style of combat, Jiraya the Toad Sannin, and perhaps add a few moves of my own. These are my favorite partners Tenten and Hinata Hyuuga, and it's time for me to tend to their needs... so if we're done?"

"Right... you three meet me at the Hokage's office tomorrow morning at ten..." Kakashi finished before standing up. "Just the three that did introductions... you two go back to your teams..."

With that, he was gone, and went to complain to the Hokage.

Little did he know that after getting the Hokage to agree to see what little ungodly blights to the earth his team was, they would show up the next morning with Naruto the chaste monk, Sasuke wearing rainbows and spouting off about the goodness of life and love, and Sakura studying first aid while talking to Naruto about how to best help people.

Needless to say his stay at the padded wall hotel was a pleasant one for him.


	124. Wild West

The brunette tugged on the edge of her hat, scanning the sleepy town she had just rode into. Unlike most of the ones she'd searched in these past months, this one had plenty of greenery growing everywhere. Flowers, trees, grass, bushes, and several other plants she couldn't identify filled her vision as she searched for her target.

He had managed to escape her for nearly a year, but she'd heard rumor that this village in the middle of a valley had a new sheriff that matched her target's description, and if that was so... she had just hit the jackpot.

But before she strode into the sheriff's office and asked him nicely, which meant the gun would be in his face but not cocked, to come with her. The bounty for this job was huge, but she felt that the fact it came from her idol herself was more than substantial enough of a reward. But a little extra coin in her pocket was always a good thing, as she'd learned early on growing up.

Guiding her horse over to the Lazy Deer saloon she sighed and tied it up. No use thinking about it, she had her mission, and so she went to it with a steady drive and determination that had seen her through many a gunfight in this wild west, as the locals called it. Once she returned she would return to her regular duties, and maybe work out how to get her gun collection to fire chakra based projectiles.

Pushing her way into the saloon, she removed her hat, letting her hair head finally embrace the slightly cooler air of the drinking establishment. The thought of getting a drink and a bath were tempting, and she knew she had time to take care of them. After all, her prey had been in town for nearly half a year, set himself up as the sheriff, and wasn't likely to just run away with just another stranger showing up.

Heading to the bar she passed a poker game that seemed rather heated, as nearly all the money was in the center of the table. But she ignored it, her need for a tall, cold drink of whatever they served narrowing her focus just enough to give her tunnel vision. After the drink would be a hot, soap filled bath with a lot of bubbles, one of the greatest luxuries she'd grown to love about this area was the private baths. After all Konoha only had public bath houses for anyone without their own clan, and they were always crowded at all times of the day... even in the middle of the night you could find people there.

Pulling her hair back over her shoulder she marveled at how much longer it had been since she quit putting it up into those buns on the top of her head. And despite several weeks on the dusty trails, her hair was still silky and smooth as if she'd spent everyday brushing and washing it. The 'pony-tail' that her mission adviser suggested before she arrived in the area made it a lot easier to use the hair cleaning jutsu she learned at kunoichi school.

She had just made it to the bar, when a laugh that she could recognize anywhere echoed through the bar. Turning her head, she frown deeply seeing the blonde raking in all of the money from the table towards himself. "Great playing with you guys, but I gotta go... Looks like I have to stop off at the orphanage before I go on patrol again... see ya."

And with that with a hat full of bills and coins, her target was moving towards the door. She really hated doing it in public like this, but she did promise to get the mission over with as soon as possible. So much for that drink and bath...

A few quick strides had her at the door, where she turned on heel and brought her revolver up, leveling it off right between the blonde's blue eyes. She was pretty sure that she had his attention now. "Hello Naruto-kun... Tsunade asked me to come and bring you home..."

"I'd rather not thanks..." Naruto answered with a wide smile, even as several other guns cleared holsters around them. "See I just got this town cleaned up, and they like me here..."

The brunette cut him off by cocking back the hammer on her revolver firmly, her chocolate brown eyes cold and hard. A cold smile spread over her face as she reached behind herself and grabbed out a tool she'd always dreamed of slapping on this particular target since being assigned this mission a year ago. The cuffs would limit his chakra, and keep him near her at all times. "The problem with that Naruto... is that you don't have a choice."

A snap of her hands later, and the two were bound together at the wrists. The sad, hurt, and contemplative look in the blonde's eyes spoke volumes of how he was feeling at this moment, but she didn't really care at this moment. "Can I at least know your name?"

Tenten holstered her pistol, with a sigh as she pulled out a tin star she'd gotten from her adviser that said it would help her out in her mission, and had so far."It's Tenten... Marshal Tenten."


	125. Beginning at the End

Quick note before we get into the regularly unscheduled insanity... Due to recent comments by certain people on my instant messengers, I will be removing the randoms that have gone onto being full fics already. This means 1. the Randomness is going to get a lot smaller. and 2. I won't have your wonderful reviews of the chapters anymore T_T. But I feel that this is a good step to take, and will likely perform a clean up of this nature every few months or so. But what I'm doing is for the next month there will be a poll regarding a question I had during the decision process. Please vote, your opinions matter very much to me.

* * *

Naruto and Sakura stand with Shion by the bridge which had been Team Seven's meeting point for almost their entire carreers. The sounds of celebration filled the air every where else in the city, but here, it was a sober silence as the two Konoha genins remembered their fallen friend, as the friend they had once had, and not as the dead traitor Konoha was currently celebrating over. As they watched a small paper boat with a short candle at either end burning brightly to show the picture of a younger Sasuke set in the middle, before the disasterous chuunin exam left him with a curse seal.

Kakashi was still in the hospital, but he had wanted to be here. The reason for Shion was that she was a priestess visiting town, and didn't refuse to help perform the funeral like all the others had.

Naruto gave a few words, as Sasuke's rival and best friend they had felt it only right. After the ceremony, Shion commented on how wonderful it was to see a man able to forgive others, and that she hoped any of her future children inheireted it too, hanging off Naruto's arm.

Naruto suggests that they split up for a while, that he'd like to be alone. The girls agree, saying that they'd meet him back at the bridge shortly after sundown. Naruto nods and waves, heading to his swing by the academy. Little does he realize he's being followed, so when he gets there, he thinks he's alone. Looking up into the stars he begins to question what he was supposed to do now, causing his shadow (Hinata) to silently leave, wondering if now was her chance.

Later that night, Shion and Sakura were waiting for Naruto at the bridge, Hinata sat in the bushes watching. The two were glaring at each other. Hinata wished they'd go away so that Naruto would be all hers for the taking, especially after a few of the things she's 'accidentally' caught Sakura and Ino doing.

Naruto finally showed up, just as the two girls on the bridge were nearing the boiling point. Shion smirked playfully before glomping Naruto's arm and kissing his cheek, asking him what he wanted to do... maybe they could go somewhere to be alone to fulfill his promise to her.

Sakura grits her teeth and stalks forward, putting her hand on Naruto's shoulder, asking if he'd rather go get some ramen, and hang out until they're needed for the festival's big dinner. When Naruto didn't agree vigorously enough she started attacking Shion directly. She ripped Naruto out of Shion's arms and gave him a firm kiss on the lips, before smirking to Shion in challenge.

Hinata chose that moment to pop out of the bushes, and asked if Sakura was challenging Shion, or offering to kiss her like she did with Ino. That caught everyone off guard, especially the blushing Sakura, however it was over in a moment when she asked how Hinata knew about that, since they were only done in private.

Shion smiled as Hinata blushed deeply, returning her attention to Sakura. While Hinata floundered for answers she responded to Sakura's challenge with one of her own. She was willing to share Naruto, so long as she got a future priestess and his love too.

While Sakura performed her sputtering Hinata imitation, the real deal stepped up to play her cards, hoping it was the right time. She stated that she'd accept that deal in a heartbeat if Naruto would have her, her cheeks flaring red, and her eyes locked on Narutos, asking/pleading with them and her words.


	126. Uzumaki Naruko: Civilian Kunoichi

Do remember to swing by the poll on my profile to vote for the future of The Randomness... Also, there is a forum for requests, discussions with the author, and feeding the plot bunnies available through my profile, I look forward to see you there.  


* * *

A young red-haired girl with dazzling blue eyes sighed heavily as she leaned against the wall that had been her latest cover from the mob of people out to get her today. Why the hell did they always come out on her birthday? What had she ever done to them?

Well maybe there was the small fact that she was managing to live on her own at the young age of ten... or it could be that got angry when some merchants decided to try and overcharge her on produce. But really this was a little uncalled for, after all she'd only kicked two of them in the groin... but maybe she should have gone after the third one if this was the trouble she was getting into.

Okay so maybe lifting them a good foot off the ground was a little excessive in the kick, but she had held back, really!

And that began yesterday's hunt for the little red-haired demon girl from the deepest pits of hell, or Naruko Uzumaki if you'd actually asked for her name. Most merchants called her Satan's Usurper or something similarly mean. Couldn't they at least give her a cute name?

Like... well... how about... umm... she'd get back to that...

Heading up the stairs to the run down shack she'd bought within the first week of living on her own, she sighed as she found herself alone again. Today's grocery run had been mostly successful, up until the idiots tried to overcharge her on those apples. Making a mental note to write to the Better Business Bureau in the morning, she put away her supplies for the week. Another couple weeks, and she could ask Teuchi for a raise at the ramen stand, not that she wanted much, but she did need to save up for a new freezer, this one was wearing out, and she'd rather be prepared than find her meat all spoiled one evening.

A quick check on her garden told her that she'd at least have plenty of vegetables this week, but still she would have liked to have some fruits for breakfast. Maybe she could ask Ayame to pick some up for her on break again, it sucked having to do so, but still it would be nice to have some fruits.

Independence sucked when people were idiots.

Settling in for the last couples of hours of sunlight, she picked up her novel and began reading it from where she'd left off, savoring the chance to read after a long, hard day. Maybe after getting the new freezer, she could pick up a lamp or something. It would be nice to be able to read more than when the Sun was up, and winter was coming soon... she should clean out the chimney before fall ended.

It looked like her day off the day after tomorrow was already beginning to fill up, especially if she was going to clean up like she'd been meaning to the past week or so. True she didn't have much in the way of a mess here, but that layer of dust and cobwebs in the corners were getting on her nerves.

But that was detracting from her reading. Returning to the novel, she smiled as the two friends pretended to be princesses of some nation, and were talking about how they would grow old together. After a minute she did a double-take, and reread a line a couple times over. Why would two girls kiss? And talk about getting married?

Maybe the librarian was right and this book was a little bit over her level... but she decided to keep reading. After all, once she took an undertaking, she always saw it through to the end, no matter how over her head this one might seem.

Just as the Sun settled behind the hills, Naruko lowered her book with a puzzled frown, that was... creepy...

The two girls that had been pretending to be princesses when she started apparently took their vows to marry pretty serious, because when the families tried to separate them, the girls killed them all and ran away together. It just didn't make any sense to her 13-year old brain. After all, who in their right mind would separate two people obviously in love, but the going psycho part was completely over the top.

Novels were sure weird... and looking at the back, she paled when she found that this novel was based on real events.

Maaaaaybe it was a good thing no one knew where to find her...

Unfolding from her curled up position on the worn out couch she had been reading on, she sighed and stretched her tired limbs slowly. She had to get ready for bed soon, or she'd be stumbling around in the dark... again.

That night, her mind was plagued with visions of her laughing and playing with another girl from the orphanage, but they were older, about Naruko's age right now. And they were playing games Naruko'd knew they never played back in the orphanage... but for some reason the brown haired girl couldn't help smiling at her the entire time. A smile that left her tummy feeling funny for some reason...

Despite a restless night of sleep, she awoke before the Sun peeked over the horizon, and set about her daily routine. First was the last pear she managed to buy last week for breakfast, and then it was off to the public baths for her morning cleaning. She got there just as old Mrs. Kurstein finished scrubbing up the women's side, before she could start on the men's side, as usual.

This was her favorite part of waking up early, she got the baths all to herself, and could truly soak and pretend she was a rich kid, lounging in a clan house's private baths. After a quick scrub down, and rinse she slipped into the steaming water with a contented little sigh. Oh, the hot water was a glorious gift delivered from heaven by several gods.

Okay, so maybe it wasn't but with how tired she felt, she could easily let herself get deluded into thinking that. If she had her own books, instead of those from the library, she'd probably get in a little reading as the lights were certainly bright enough, but since they were only borrowed, she couldn't risk it.

Speaking of which, she'd have to return that one from last night before work. It was only right, since she didn't want to hold onto it for longer than necessary. To ensure it for the next reader her mind pointed out, avoiding the other possible connotation her rush could suggest. Getting out of the bath, she hurriedly finished her routine and dried off, escaping before the first crowd of the day could arrive. She didn't like crowds, it always felt like someone hated her.

The trip back home, and to the library were uneventful, and then a little free walking over the library, the old clothing store, and down into the street in front of Yamanaka's florists were also rather mundane. She knew that as a civilian she wasn't supposed to be up on the roofs, but it was much easier than having to walk the three blocks just to get here.

A quick wave to Mr. Yamanaka, whom she'd helped tend to his flowers while his daughter Ino was at the academy studying to be a kunoichi, and she was off towards the ramen stand. It was nice that Mr. Yamanaka wrote her a recommendation to Mr. Ichiraku... err Teuchi, he hated being called mister, said it made him feel old. Even if she didn't need it, it was still awesome that he'd do that for her.

Getting to the stand, she hurriedly put on her apron and set about the day's business. First came wiping down the counters, while taking a couple orders from the early risers. Most of them were other merchants on their way to work. Sometimes she'd get the occasional ninja trying to kill time until the Hokage's office opened, but today it seemed just the normal early morning crowd.

At eight, right on the dot, Teuchi popped out and asked her to run and get a couple bags of flour for him, as he'd ran out while making the noodles. Same as every morning.

Off she went with the exact amount tucked into her apron, her short apple-red hair still tucked away in the cloth she got from the Ichiraku's just for that purpose. It wasn't that far, and really the two forty-pound sacks weren't that heavy, she should be there and back in under five minutes. Maybe if she got enough tips, she could save up for that freezer faster, even if that meant cutting into her weekly spicy kabobs binge.

Oh she really hated thinking about losing her spicy kabobs, but getting a new freezer would be worth it.

Getting to the stand, she gasped in shock as she ran into someone, and something went flying. Looking up, she saw a dozen eggs reaching the peak of their arcs, and beginning their decent towards her. Without a second thought, her hands snapped out in a blur of motion to snatch up the eggs, putting them into a basket sitting nearby. She managed to get all 12 of the eggs, and sighed happily as she noticed there wasn't a single crack. "Sorry about that... I wasn't looking..." Naruko offered, while turning to look at the brown haired girl she'd accidentally knocked over. Suddenly her heart began thundering in her chest as she noticed the warm brown eyes shining back at her in admiration. "Err... I... I'm sorry?"

"Never mind that... you caught the eggs... Thanks..." the girl stated while picking herself up. "Hey... how about I treat you to something? I mean you did save me a bit of cash..."

"Oh no thank you Miss... I have to get back to work..." Naruko stated, while trying to edge around the bun-haired girl that she couldn't help but feel some sort of familiarity with. There was just something about her that she couldn't help but feel she knew this girl.

"It's Tenten, and you are?" Tenten stated while picking up her eggs and returning them to the carton she'd bought them in.

"Naruko Uzumaki... bye..." the redhead stated before disappearing into the store. Tenten smirked playfully before she started on her way home. It wasn't often you met someone with that speed and control, she had to learn more about her, and since it was her team's day off, she could just find out the girl's secret.

Getting home and back, she found out two things. One was that the girl who couldn't have been more than a hundred pounds soaking wet, was easily able to carry two forty-pound bags of flour, and dodge the people walking along. The other was that the girl worked at Ichiraku's Ramen Stand.

Today was turning out to be a great day.

Sarutobi sighed heavily as he leaned back and smoked his pipe, yesterday would have been the thirteenth birthday of a little girl he'd promised to look after for Minato and Kushina. And Yesterday was also the third anniversary of the day that she disappeared all together. Not that the council had stopped celebrating a single day since she vanished, but he was very concerned about her, and there was a steady five-thousand ryou reward for any ninja that brings him information to help in the finding of the girl.

Tomorrow he would have to bring in the new generation of genin... and probably Gai's team too, and inform them about the reward. Maybe he should post a reminder down in the mission room, since most ninja would probably have forgotten about the verbal request from the Hokage by now. Well most of them...

As if on cue, the most concerned of all his ninjas walked into his office, his lazy, disaffected look contrasting completely with the sharp mind that Sarutobi knew resided behind the masks. "I've not heard anything about her Kakashi..."

"Maa... I see..." Kakashi answered with a heavy sigh. It was his sensei's daughter, he should have been there for her when she was younger, but he hadn't even known until the Hokage's request three years ago that he'd even had a daughter. And that was only because he knew about the secret marriage of Minato to Kushina. Turning around, he started to slump out of the office. "Remember to bring your team tomorrow... we might just find her this time..."

"Hai... we'll be there..." Kakashi answered with disappointment thick in his voice. Sarutobi knew that he'd wanted to have Naruko on his team, but the council had forced him to do everything in his power to get Sasuke Uchiha placed under Kakashi. And so like a good soldier, Kakashi trained the Uchiha survivor and the two teammates that had been assigned to him.

Looking out over the village, Sarutobi frowned as he knew they'd failed not only the greatest hero to ever come forth, but themselves as well. He couldn't fault them too much, for he was even more guilty than they. He had failed a little girl, and possibly the greatest hope for the future they had.

Maybe there was still time to make amends... but each passing day he doubted it more and more.

If only there was some clue as to where Naruko Uzumaki had gone...


	127. The Past That Binds

A bit of a challenge from Gouken2010, hope you all enjoy it. Also, be sure to check out the forums and polls, I'm very interested in what you guys and gals think.

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Hinata knew that she wasn't supposed to be in here, but when she heard about her mother's things being stored in here, she knew that she had to find them. Her mother would have wanted her daughters to inherit them. And so here she was, a week after Naruto had left on his training trip with Jiraiya, searching in the forbidden, dust-filled attic for the trunk that held her mother's possessions.

After a few minutes, and some discoveries about her father that would be best repressed, she found the trunk she was looking for. It was sitting in the very back of the attic, half-hidden under a pile of old sheets. Pulling it out, she reverently looked at the nameplate of her mother, glimmering softly in the pale light of the attic.

Opening it, she found her mother's wedding kimono, several picture albums, a scroll, and most curiously a studded leather dog collar. Pulling out the collar, she looked at it curiously, having never remembered a dog on the Hyuuga grounds, let alone her own family owning one. That's when she noticed two things, one it was attached to the scroll by a string, and two the tag had her mother's name written on it.

A chime of a bell caused her to gasp as she realized that the rest of her family would be home soon, and she had to get out of here fast. Shutting the trunk and tucking it back away, she realized that she'd forgotten to tuck the collar and scroll back in. Biting her lip she scooped up the linked items and ran as fast as she could, tucking them away into her pockets.

After supper, when she finally was allowed to go to her room, she pulled out the collar and scroll again, unrolling the scroll she blinked in surprise as there was nothing there. With a sigh, she laid it down and picked up the collar, studying it curiously. There was no magical revelations, no stunning insights, just the collar bearing her mother's name, and the scroll. Just as she was about to set the collar down, she noticed something odd about the scroll, it had writing on it now.

She found her mother's name and a thumb-print in blood at the very bottom of the scroll, but nothing else. Nothing save a circle that she recognized as a storage scroll's holding area, even with her Byakugan activated she couldn't see a single thing on the scroll save what she'd she saw without it.

Pondering what to do, she finally asked herself what her hero Naruto would do? He'd sign it without fear and deal with any consequences that arose. Taking her lead from him, she signed the scroll, and pressed down her thumb after poking it with a kunai.

What happened next shocked her as a mass of black shot out of the storage area, and encased her, before slowly dragging her towards the scroll. She tried to struggle against the binding force, but her arms were bound behind her back, with her legs folded up against the back of her thighs. There wasn't a way she could stop herself from being pulled in.

Finally she lost the struggle and was in a white void, where invisible hands were coating her in layers upon layers of strange material that she recognized as latex, leather, and rubber. Each layer made it harder and harder to struggle, until she heard a voice whispering soothingly in her ear. "Don't fight it child..."

It was familiar, and she couldn't help but feel warm, safe, and secure in it's care. Her struggles slowed, and she found herself slowly growing to enjoy the feel of being bound and captured. There was just something soothing about being cocooned into the embrace of the materials. It was wonderful, and she had a lot of time to learn to love it... after all, twenty-four hours in the scroll later, and she was back in her room, blinking as she realized the clocks only read one minute had passed.

A deep blush burned on her cheeks as she found herself wondering if Naruto would like to see her bound and helpless on his bed when he arrived home. She had three years to get ready, and suddenly she felt that it wasn't enough time.


	128. Sing With Me Naruto

Naruto sighed as he slumped down against the training dummy he'd been hitting for the past twelve hours. It'd been a long, hard, grueling training session, but he felt that it was very much worth it. After all, each hour he practiced brought him that much closer to being strong enough to bring Sasuke back.

As he rested, two things came to his attention, first was a girl with her blue-green hair pulled up into two pigtails. Second was that a glowing cube matching her hair was flying straight at his head. Flinging his arm up to protect his face, he was surprised when nothing happened for a full minute. Lowering his arm, he looked at the curious cube, which was floating right in front of him. There were two taps from inside, causing the side to bulge towards him. Blinking slowly he did what any normal shinobi might, well normal in his mind that is..

He poked it and sprang back as it burst open and a microphone was stuck out towards him, being held by a chibified version of the woman sleeping under the tree. It stared at him mutely for a minute before blinking slowly and looking around, after a minute it seemed to spot the sleeping girl and zipped over. It held out the microphone again, getting no response from her.

Before Naruto could suggest a course of action the little thing pulled out a leek easily taller than Naruto and brought it down on the girl's head. The girl let out a musical cry, before looking around and blushing. "Where are we?" it sang softly to the little box dweller that just broke a unnaturally huge vegetable over her head.

The chibi thing pointed the microphone at him, and shrugged. Naruto blinked as the girl slowly stood up and dusted off her gray blazer, and black/green skirt combo. Her warm, bright, beautiful smile seemed to trigger some part deep in his mind, suppressed for years by other matters.

"Hello, I am Miku Hatsune, and you are?"

"N...Naruto..." the poor blond squeaked, causing the girl to giggle softly. "W...where did you come from?"

"Oh... I am not sure... I just remember falling asleep under a peach tree and waking up here..." Miku answered while indicating the Sakura tree she'd woken up under. "Where is here?"

"Konoha... capital city of Hi no Kuni... I... I think you might want to go see Baa-chan... she'll know what to do..."

"Okay!" the melodious voice answered before latching onto Naruto's arm with a giggle. "Won't you sing with me?"

"I... I don't think that's a good idea..." Naruto stated nervously, remembering the last time he tried. The window shattering rang out in his mind to this day.

"We shall see..." Miku giggled while singing. Okay, so she sang... everything... no need to worry about her sanity Naruto. After all, look at some of your fellow ninjas...

Maaaake that all of them...

"Show me your song Naruto," Miku requested again while they walked through the market place. And for some strange reason, Naruto felt that he wanted to sing, but fought down that urge with a will of iron.


	129. ErosNin, Position 2

Sarutobi Hiruzen, the Third Hokage, The Professor, The God of Shinobi had seen many curious things in his long and illustrious career as a shinobi in the service of the leaf village. But this was pretty close to taking the cake. First was the simple fact that one of the chuunin instructors at the academy was standing tied in an oddly and uncomfortably familiar way, standing just at the end of a short leash leading to none other than Mitarashi Anko.

Usually one could presume that they were here for a marriage ceremony, as happened many times in the history of shinobi, to the captor goes the spoils. But this time it brought up the second point of oddness to this scenario, was that Anko wasn't trying to marry Umino Iruka, but instead wanted to take one of his students on as an apprentice.

This had happened before, when one of the jounin got bored and decided to check out the future members of the shinobi ranks and found a surprising candidate that got their attention. Which brought about the third point of oddness, she never specified whom she was asking for instead standing at his desk, bouncing like a puppy with huge sad eyes as she pleaded. "Come on ya gotta lemme take him, please? I'll be your bestest best friend! I'll pick up that special tabacco you like in Kumo! I'll walk him, and feed him, and paper train him, and make him fetch my dildos! Come on ya gotta lemme, pleeeeeeeeaaaaaase?"

Okay, so he couldn't figure out if she was talking about a person or a dog, but he hadn't seen her this excited since before Orochimaru betrayed her, so he was considering just saying yes to keep her in a good mood. Instead he decided to find out the entire story. "At ease Mitarashi-kun... Umino-kun... what is she talking about?"

"You see Hokage-sama it's like this..." Iruka explained while coiling up the rope he'd slipped out of somewhere along Anko's rant. "It's the start of a new school year, and we were testing the students on what they learned over the summer months..."

~Flashback no Jutsu!~

Mizuki smirked at his opponent for the taijutsu match to welcome the students back for the year, supposedly he was being fair and drawing a name at random from the box he'd brought to the field. But all the slips had only one name on them, the demon fox's human name: Uzumaki Naruto.

"Don't feel you have to hold to the academy taijutsu if you don't want to..." he offered, knowing the brat couldn't even do that properly, there was no way he could win this battle and it would be an easy and legal way to get some blows in against the damn demon.

So one could imagine his surprise when the boy charged in, and ducked under the kick that had been meant to send him sprawling to the far side of the ring. His surprise was only compounded as the blonde drove his open hand up against his balls rather forcefully. While springing back to regain some semblance of control, he failed to notice that Naruto had already rushed past him. At least he failed to notice it until he felt the demon attempt to mount him from behind.

He couldn't imagine what the brat hoped to accomplish by clinging to his back in such a fashion, especially when he slipped his legs inside Mizuki's own and grabbed onto his shoulders. It was when he felt the hip thrusts that he really began to worry, wondering if maybe the fox had gone into heat and was trying to mate him.

As he tried his best to swat off the offending pest, the laughter of the watching students filled the air. Up until the point Naruto surged up his back, hooked his legs around Mizuki's head and swung down the front side of the instructor. After that the only sound heard was a subtle whump-crunch as Mizuki's chances of pleasing his girlfriend for the foreseeable future died.

Staggering with the pain, he barely noticed that Naruto released his head just in time to continue his flip. Once the boy's feet were planted firmly on the ground, he pulled back a few inches and surged up and forward again sending the dreams of heirs into faded memories, as well as the instructor onto his back, cupping the injured area.

Iruka, having been the official for the match could only stare in horror as his fellow academy teacher called out in a choked soprano for a medic. It didn't even seem like there was a point to stating that Naruto had won the match.

~KAI!~

"I cornered him later after class and got him to admit that he had learned the style from a set of books he thought were forbidden ninja techniques when he was six..." Iruka continued, while Anko smiled happily at the thought of what her student had done. Oh what fortune had smiled upon her as she snacked on her dango and saw the boy reproducing some of her favorite positions. "Those books being Jiraiya-sama's Icha-Icha... according to him he nearly has the full set..."

"I... see..." the wizened old man answered while he stroked his beard for effect. An entire taijutsu style based off of sex positions, to be honest he had seen stranger things happen before, and most likely would again. But there was still one matter bugging him. "Mitarashi-kun... why would you wish for Uzumaki-kun as your pupil?"

"Oh it's simple really, I think he's totally awesome, and I wanna teach him to do page 139 of Icha Icha: Royal Suite Rumble!" Anko proclaimed proudly before getting a distinctly perverted face that made the two men wonder if her teacher hadn't been Jiraiya instead of Orochimaru for a minute. Then the images of said page filled their minds, and only one reaction could possibly occur.

As the trio of nasal discharges splashed into each other, a solitary figure arose from it, proudly proclaiming, "By your nosebleeds combined... I AM CAPTAIN PORNO!"

"Not now Kakashi..." Anko bemoaned once she stoppered up her nose with a few wads of cloth from Iruka's first aid pouch. Hey, knowing an academy instructor had its benefits after all. "So Hokage-sama, can I take him? Please? I promise to teach him, and love him, and hug him, and pet him, and dress him up in cute little costumes, and call him George!"

As the three men watched the strange, and somewhat disturbing woman fantasize about doing things they weren't entirely sure were legal with the boy in question, Sarutobi considered her request. Finally giving her the answer, "I will consider it Mitarashi-kun."


	130. The Wheel of Fate is Turning

**Author's Notes: **_Thanks goes out to Gouken 2010 for this one folks, he kept bringing it up, until finally he triggered something that got my muse going. If you'd like to discuss this, there's places for it in the forum, so feel free to drop in and talk. This is a crossover with BlazBlue... that I've never played, but according to Gouken was fairly accurate. So let's blame him if I completely screwed the pooch on this one._**  
**

* * *

"Kappa... Ten..."

Was the only sound heard over the rushing waters of the now blood red river. A single survivor amidst a sea of bodies slashed and torn apart, some leaving only tiny meat chunks to identify the bodies with. Nearly all of them were Nuke-nin of some ilk, drawn to this final slaughter by some unknown force.

"Kappa... Ten..."

Directly by the red river was the source of the call, coming from a tiny girl nearly completely drained of her chakra, barely weak enough to lean against the giant sword that supported her from behind. The rescuers that arrived on scene first had never seen such a sword before, but were instead focused solely on the lone survivor of the blood bath. They couldn't help but notice that despite the carnage surrounding her, she was almost pristine, like some magical force had prevented her from getting coated in the gore if only it had spared her the memories of the attack.

"Kappa... Ten..."

Maito Gai scooped the little girl up carefully, pulling her away from the massive blade embedded into the ground. Only for her to kick him in the face and flip out, clinging to the hilt of the sword as though her life depended on it. Brushing off the surprising damage from the five year old girl he knelt down and patted her on the shoulder lightly. "Hey kid, do your youthful fires declare you need to remain with this sword?"

"Kappa..." the small brunette answered, her eyes wide and almost terrified of the man in green spandex. Oh how she'd learn to loathe that outfit in the future, but for now she only saw him as the man trying to take her away from her sword.

"I see... what's your name?" Gai asked, not trying to provoke her any further, after all, she had moved the blade that was easily as tall as he was when she clung to it. And it wasn't just her weight pulling it down.

"Ten... Ten..." the girl answered timidly, just in time for the green clad ninja to pick her and the blade up together.

"Let's go back to Konoha Tenten... away from this most unyouthful place..." the man proclaimed proudly carrying her and the blade as though they weighed nothing. "We can even seal that sword of yours into a scroll, so you can keep it with you, but not quite as big as this..."

Tenten seemed to consider that fully for a few minutes before nodding slowly and tucking her head onto the man's shoulder. What she had seen today would forever be burned into her memories, after all, Kappa-10 was supposed to be the best Murakumo unit out there. It would be a shame if she didn't remember her first victory.

But she knew this would have to be a secret, for if anyone found out about it, her mission stated that they would have to be eliminated as a threat to the completion of her mission. She wasn't ready, yet. But soon she would be ready for when the wheel of fate began to turn for her again.

Closing her eyes, she sighed contentedly and allowed sleep to claim her, whispering, "Kappa Ten... out."


	131. New Intros 15

Kakashi looked over his new genin squad curiously as they sat on the roof, soaking up the sunshine. To say they were not what he expected upon reading their files would be something of an understatement.

First none of their psychological profiles suggested a single solitary reason for his cute new kunoichi to be bound by several dozen chains that were bolted through the roof of the academy. He figured there was a very good reason for it though, and for the look of utter contentment on her face. The battle axe whose blades were easily taller than himself, not so much. But he felt generous today, and wasn't going to ask yet.

Instead he turned to look at the next member of the group, the one who had chained her up in the first place and a constant source of amusement since he retired ANBU. The sunshine blonde wannabe gennin had summoned the chains from his back, and sent them down into the academy, only for them to burst forth and surprise the pink haired girl. Other than that little fact, there was nothing different from his profile, but Kakashi knew better than to trust that... especially considering the final teammate.

The straight-jacket he could understand, as well as the reading of the book in front of him. He'd done the same after his final psych-eval before he left ANBU for good. It took a lot of dexterity to turn pages with your toes. However, when Sasuke accidentally tipped the book a bit too far, he caught the title and that made him worry. After all, who would read a book titled "The Freedom of Bondage" by Ima Gimp when there was the glories of Icha Icha?

Deciding to go with the one that was mostly according to the profile provided by the Hokage, he pointed at Naruto. "Alright time for some introductions, I don't feel like telling you more than I'm Hatake Kakashi, and that I'm to be your instructor for our time together... that means you listen to me, got it?" At their nods, he finished with a lazy hand flip to wave Naruto on. "You're first blondie. Name, likes, dislikes, hobbies, and such like that... just tell me something about you..."

"I'm Master Naruto Uzumaki, an initiate of the Bondage Style. I like ramen, gardening, binding my cute little collection of pretties, and proving just how powerful my style is. My dislikes include people that won't submit, those that think my style a joke, how long it takes for ramen to cook, and those that hurt my pretties. Hobbies... well I've seen you reading Icha Icha, so you probably have a good guess..." Naruto stated calmly with a huge grin on his face, and no sign of being embarrassed, or really anything but honest and prideful. Kakashi could deal with that, after all Kushina Uzumaki had been a practitioner of that style, and he had seen enough of her style to help train the boy.

At least he thought that up until Naruto finished with a lecherous look that Kakashi was fairly certain rivaled a super perverted sannin that would remain nameless until the Chuunin Exams. "And my goal is to eventually have you as a gift for Iruka-sensei, as his personal sex slave."

"Yeah... not going to happen kid..." Kakashi affirmed before pointing languidly at the jacketed Uchiha. "You're up oh nutjob wonder."

"Sasuke Uchiha, Naruto's number one boy toy, and gonna kill my brother!" Sasuke proclaimed proudly holding up his head so that he showed off the dog tag hanging from the collar about his neck. Maybe it was a good time to get out of the ninja business, if this was the way it was heading.

But no, he would persevere! He'd made it through the last ninja war, so he could stand some odd ball students like these.

Besides, the girl couldn't be that weird compared to them, could she? "Alright, pinkie, yo-WOAH!" Kakashi stated only to cut himself off as a blades of the ax swung past his head, chased shortly after by a large chunk of roof attached to the end of a trio of chains. Only years of experience and survival as a ninja kept him unharmed as the girl did her best to kill him.

Judging by the craters she was leaving in the roof, it might be a good idea to never let her hit him in a spar even. He'd heard of the Haruno clan being a little temperamental, but there was nothing about them going into berserker rages! At least the chains slowed her down somewhat, which was probably what saved his life in the first place.

Upon hearing a dozen soft puffs of air, he watched as Sakura's eyes glazed over and she settled down into a sitting position with a dreamy smile on her face. Turning his head slightly he watched as Naruto lowered what looked almost like a pan-flute, before he realized that the boy had just hit his teammate with tranquilizers. He was just about to scold the boy for the ten darts currently sticking out of the small girl's backside, when she began to speak. "Hey thanks Naruto... oh that's the good stuff... I'm Sakura Haruno, and I really dislike being made fun of for my pink hair or my forehead... umm... apparently I recently entered a stage where my hormones cause me to erupt into berserker rages. I'm sorry sensei... please don't be angry..."

At the sad, kicked puppy dog look on her face, he was half-tempted to reach out and pet her lightly... but the huge signals from Naruto and the still bound Sasuke told him to not do that. Instead he just sighed and leaned against the damaged railing. "Tell you what kiddos... tomorrow you'll have a lovely little test. Pass that and you're gennin, fail and it's back to school for another term or more..."

"Meet me at Training ground s... make that fourty-four, and bring enough food to last a few days..." Kakashi offered before disappearing from view. He was on his way to the Hokage to beg and see if he could trade jobs with Anko. At this point he'd trade jobs with Anko's interrogation targets. ANYTHING to get away from those kids.


	132. Ballad of Naruto of the Nine Tails

Written as an omake for his latest chapter of Naruto of the Nine Tails... based off the song Frodo of the Nine Fingers, and the Ring of Doom. He edited it for posting in his version, but this is what I wrote up. Might make up other ones if the muse strikes me, based on other songs from the original Return of the King movie, or other songs. Suggestions welcome.

* * *

**Naruto of the Nine-Tails, and the Fox of Doom**

Minstrel of Amegakure(Konan) -  
Naruto of the nine-tails,  
And the Fox of Doom.

It has its beginnings in ages past,  
when Minato set forth to save Konoha from the demon Kyuubi.  
And then, while on his quest,  
Minato sealed the fox in a deep, dank cave.

When Naruto found the Fox of Doom,  
In the stomach seal of gloom.  
He always thought,  
That it would turn into a Fox of Doom.

The Akatsuki, the Sound-nins too.  
The daimyos, the Uchiha pox.  
They came to know the power of Naruto  
And his Fox.

Naruto of the nine-tails,  
And the Fox of Doom.  
It started with Minato  
Sealing Kyuubi in the gloom.

The power of the Fox it grew,  
And the Third sat in thought.  
He knew that it must be consumed,  
And its hatred forgot.

For if in evil hands he fell,  
The Earth would know it's end.  
No force of arms would win the day,  
No army could contend.

Iruka - For evil flourished every where and lay on the land like a festering malignancy, there was one hope, though. In a distant land, the noble Naruto, heir to the Namikaze and Uzumaki lines, awaited with the eight-tailed jinchuuriki to return and save us all, but he could not triumph until the Fox was consumed. So went the prophesy.

Naruto of the nine tails,  
And the Fox of Doom.  
Accepted a heavy burden,  
More than one could presume.

Iruka - Naruto and his friend Kirabi, had many informative lessons, under the Falls of Truth. Until finally they unleashed the seal, loosing the demon fox, Kyuubi. There, Naruto was beaten and thrashed about quite soundly. Kushina's chakra guided Naruto into capturing the great demon alone. And the Fox of Doom was bound to the seal.

Naruto of the nine tails,  
And the Fox of Doom.  
Why does he have nine tails?  
Where is the Fox of Doom?


	133. Captured?

Inspired by a comic by ICS called Naruto Merciful Punishment, if anyone has ways to find the original creator, please let me know.

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The day had started out rather ordinarily for Naruto, he had gotten up, ate breakfast, and went to do some solo training before his team meeting at ten. So why was he waking up with a groggy mind while standing up? Looking around, he tried to find out where he was, until he noticed something odd about his bindings. They were pushing his breasts up against his ribs rather harshly.

Wait... breasts? When had he changed into Naruko?

"What's going on here?" he asked to no one in particular as he tried to access his chakra to break free of the wraps currently holding him against the pole, or at the very least to return to his male form.

"Ah, you're awake," a dark voice whispered from behind him, though there was something oddly familiar about it. "You've come a long way young Naru-chan."

"It's Naruto bastard, now let me go! When my friends find you..." Naruto growled, struggling against the bindings with renewed intensity.

The voice let out a chuckle as footsteps approached from behind the bound blond, after a few they stopped and he heard the sound of something being set on a table behind him. "Ah yes... that is the name you chose this time, is it not?" Again the steps drew closer, "Last I came to this village, you were being shunned in your youth."

"A merciful punishment, considering the Evil within you," the voice spat out, though Naruto could hear the capitalization even from here.

"But now, you're free. Even considered a friend..." the voice added like it was some kind of grand joke the universe was playing on the bound young psuedo-woman, stepping up behind her, and causing a wind to letting her know that she was naked save for the bindings. "Understandable. They needed your power. But considering you for Hokage?"

Again the voice broke off in that type of chuckle that told Naruto that there was some joke going on that he just couldn't figure out. It was really starting to bug him. "I'm afraid they've forgotten that your punishment must continue... anew. A new seal of sorts is needed..."

Finally the jinchuuriki could contain his building rage no longer and whipped his head towards were the voice was whispering sediciously in his ears. "LOOK YOU! I've come a long way since, and I wi-mmph!" unfortunately the rant was cut off as a rag was pressed over his mouth and nose, stealing the breath from the blond, and sending them into dreamland once again.

"Let us begin," was the last thing he heard, along with shimmering green eyes and a single feather drifting down over her eyes..

Alone in the room with the young lady he had been assigned to punish, mercifully as she had yet to commit any sins on her own, the figure began his work. "We must hide you again... a new form is needed..." he mused while brushing open her eyes to look at the pupilless and drugged blue orbs that reflected lifelessly at him. "Hmm... new hair first I think... brown... no aubern."

With the simple act of running his fingers through the girl's hair, he released it from the ponytails and altered the color to suit the new form. "Yes, that is better, a much more classical beauty, not this tart's skin you chose. Ah, new eyes as well... blue works best with blond, and emerald green would best suit you now."

A brushing over her eyes closed the lids, before he slowly opened them again, showing off that in place of the sapphire irises the body had chosen last time, there were now two perfect green eyes gazing out lifelessly at him. "Hmm... these whisker scars will have to go... and this tan."

A couple strokes of the cheeks later, and Naru-chan had a perfectly unblemished face, while a creamy skin hue slowly spread out over her still naked form. "Yes a new skin... completely unrecognizable... ah... the seal of the Yondaime... I cannot remove that, but I can adjust it... a birthmark will be good..."

Lightly with one finger it drew the seal up and away from the stomach over to under her arm and shrunken, where it would be hidden by a patch of red skin. "Yes, that will contain your evil taint better Naru-chan... ah but we will need to finish your alterations. Your little jutsu has already changed your body, now it's time for your mind..."

The form reached out and cupped the girl's head in his hand, giving her the memories that he wanted her to have. She would not be a kunoichi, but a civilian this time. She would also not get the option to hide behind the mask of being a boy, no she would be a proper young lady.

Enclosing his wings about her, he smiled as he finally understood the best way to give her a believable set of memories. It would be by leaving only a partial set. Let her believe that she was suffering amnesia.

So much work to do... so little time to save this girl's immortal soul.

* * *

Tenten sighed heavily as she waited for her partner Neji to finish his sweep of the area. It had been three months since Naruto Uzumaki had disappeared from Konoha, and everyone was still on high alert. Sasuke Uchiha himself had posted a million ryo reward for the anyone finding his teammate in the mission room, ensuring that everyone spent their free time searching.

Not that anyone needed a reason to look for him, every life the blond had touched seemed to dim without his presence. It just wasn't Konoha without the prankster prince around. "Anything yet?"

For once Neji's look of superiority changed to one of confusion before he pointed off to the west. "Not Naruto, but there is someone about fifty meters that way. A civilian woman... it looks like she's been raped."

"Go get the medi-nins, Sakura preferably, I'll go and do what I can," Tenten ordered, already heading for the trees to go and help the woman. Normally, Neji would have bristled at being ordered around by his teammate, but this was a situation where she was performing the appropriate actions. Reaching up to touch the throat microphone, he signalled to Gai and Lee about the findings.

Finding the woman in the middle of the clearing, Tenten searched around for signs of her attackers. Other than for the fact she was naked as a jaybird, the auburn woman seemed to be perfectly fine. Finding no traps waiting for her, she eased herself into the clearing and slowly approached the sleeping woman. Getting to her, she knelt next to the naked girl and with a pang of jealousy noticed that she was a good deal more developed than she'd ever be. "Hey... you alright?"

Slowly the woman stirred, looking like she was coming out of a pleasant dream. As her emerald eyes opened, she blushed and tried to cover up her ample assets, while balling herself up. "Who are you? Where am I?" she asked in a panic, looking around.

"I'm Tenten Higarashi, and your in the forest just outside of Konohagakure," Tenten offered, trying to placate the woman. Reaching behind her, she pulled out a scroll and rolled it out in front of her, summoning a plain pink and black wrap dress from within. "Here, get dressed, some medi-nins will be coming soon, and I can't be sure they'll be female..."

Hesitantly the woman took the dress and slipped it on, looking at Tenten nervously the entire time. Once she had the dress on, she slowly tried to stand, gaining her feet with only minor assistance from her new brunette companion. "Konohagakure? Medi-nins? I... I don't understand..."

"I'll explain in a moment, but first..." Tenten started, trying to keep the woman calm, while looking around carefully, she could have sworn someone was watching them right now. "What's your name?"

The woman blinked blankly as though surprised by the question. After a moment she seemed to be straining her mental faculties to come up with an answer, before tears began stinging the corner of her eyes. "I... I can't remember... I can't remember anything..."

'Amnesia... great...' the weapon mistress groaned inwardly as she held up her hands soothingly, "Hey now, don't worry, it'll come back to you. Just calm down."

"Sorry, sorry..." the woman answered in a whisper, looking down at the ground sadly, while rubbing her left arm with her right. "It's just... I don't... I can't remember who I am... where I am... or anything..."

"I'm sure the medics will be able to help with that, we have some of the best in the Elemental Nations," Tenten offered kindly as she continued scanning the area, she could almost swear a pair of eyes were boring in on her, and she didn't like it. As she turned back to look at the auburn-haired woman, she found a strange gleaming white feather captured in her hair. Reaching out slowly, she pulled it free and held it up to the woman for inspection.

This seemed to calm her down more than Tenten's promises of things being alright. Slowly she reached out and ran a finger along the alabaster edges, smiling slightly at the tickling sensation. "Miu... my name is Tenshino Miu..." the girl whispered after a few minutes, "I... I remember my name!"

Tenten laughed as the woman hugged her and rubbed Miu's back. It was a nice name, but she couldn't help but wonder if that this Angel's beautiful feather didn't have more to her than what met the eyes. "See, I told you it'd come to you Miu... and you have a beautiful name."

"Thank you Tenten..." Miu answered in a whisper as a blush coated her cheeks. "Thank you for everything."


	134. A Little Meddler

Naruto Uzumaki sighed as he watched his long time crush celebrating being placed on the same team as the egotistical fuckwad of the class, Sasuke Uchiha. It didn't make any fucking sense! He had purposely screwed up his entire academic career just so he was the dead last to her top of the class.

SO WHY THE HELL WAS KIBA ON HER TEAM AND NOT HIM?

Reality then stopped, suddenly, and a short figure with what could best be described as a crab haircut walked into the area. "They STILL haven't fixed this up?" She said, "The most screwed up idea by anyone, and I keep telling them that there's several errors in this universe, but no-one debugs it. I'm calling Skuld to see if she's not busy."

"Umm... who the hell are you?" Naruto asked, his previous rant completely derailed.

"You may call me Washu-chan!" The woman said, "The greatest genius in the universe!"

Two small replicas of her then appeared out of seemingly nowhere, and began cheering for the strange woman, who just went back to studying the timeline, before pausing, and going, "So, you're the man who, according to a document written by Kami-sama himself, will save the day along with several girls who will help you defeat the darkness this world faces."

"Washu-sama..." Naruto began, before getting cut off by an irate midget, even from his point of view.

"WASHU-CHAN!" she screamed, "Sheesh, I know I'm ridiculously old, but I prefer -chan. Anyway, go and be frozen like the rest of this universe's timestream. I'm looking for the main bug nexus to save Skuld several days of work."

"Uhh... how do I do that? But first, what the hell are you talking about? I'm just going to be Hokage someday," Naruto proclaimed, for the short genius to cut him off saying anything more, then time fast forwarded to him at some location in Snow Country.

"Daimyo." She said, simply, then he was in Demon Country, "Head of the future priesthood..."

The time and their location changed rapidly as she listed off titles that were lofty goals in themselves, before she stopped, and took him back to Konoha. "Fate's bitch, seemingly, except both Fate and Loki claim total ignorance of how crap your life is."

"But I can't do all that if I'm not on the best teammates right? So... can you set me up with Team Seven?" Naruto asked cautiously, still unsure about his current teammates, the Hyuuga girl just fainted at the announcement.

Washu grinned. "You do all those things by being you. It doesn't matter if you're with Tenten, Hinata, Ino, Sakura or Ichiraku's waitress as a female partner in your first team. Within a few short months, you will be able to name your position in several countries, it's set in stone."

"Who's Tenten?" Naruto asked in confusion, having never met a girl named that in class.

The scene then vanished, and he was stood in a room with several girls in outfits that hugged their body in all the right ways, but still were decent. He could recognise Hinata, Sakura, Ino and several other girls.

"Right, Sakura Haruno..." Washu said, walking him to her, "Get her off the diet, and within a few years, she'll be good... Get her off Sasuke, confessed to her true love, and you'll be onto a winner. Notably, she has Multiple Personality Disorder. The second personality kinda likes you."

"That makes no sense." Naruto stated in confusion, for Washu to hit him and walk him towards a brown-haired girl with her hair up in buns.

"This is Tenten. Don't ask about her last name. God only knows." Washu said, then looked over her notes, "She likes pointy, sharp things, long stabby things and loud, explosive things. Preferably accessible to her long in advance of the enemy getting them. Good idea... When you get to Wave, you'll encounter a massive sword. Keep it for her. Give it to her when asking about dating her."

"This is Tenten huh? well she's cute... but..." Naruto started, only to duck the clipboard, "JEEZE! I was going to say what the hell would she see in me?"

"ALL these girls would, if you decided to invite them to your house, at least consider dating and probably bedding you." She said, "There's at least three daimyos, several important religious or political figures... and at least four enemy kuno... … That can't be right, No, even enemy ninja want in your pants? Excuse me, but we'll be getting acquainted later. I would love to know how the hell you can build a harem just by existing... out of anything female that crosses your path for longer than five minutes!"

"Oh I get it now! This is all a bad ramen dream!" Naruto declared loudly while pointing to one of the figures. "That's Kon-chan, she's always in the bad ramen dreams. Talking about her daddy or something..."

"Excuse me..." Washu said, checking something, "K... K... Kon - Daughter of the Kyuubi-no-Yoko... Huh..."

The area then zoomed to an older looking woman who looked similar to Kon. "OK, what's the Kyuubi-no-Yoko doing in the group?" She asked, "Is this a cosmic joke on my behalf?"

"No Washu-chan, it's all a bit of three decade old ramen I had hidden under my bed, that's all," Naruto stated before settling down on the ground with a huge grin on his face. "That's why you're talking about these girls wanting to put out bedding for me like I'm a hamster!"

"No... Excuse me..." Washu said, "Have you ever been taught about sex?"

"It's something that adults do with the doors shut, curtains drawn, and people are never supposed to talk about it. Nine-months later the ninja stork..." Naruto exclaimed proudly, only to be cut off once again.

"OK, excuse me while I get a movie." Washu said, then put a film of an alternate universe Naruto using Shadow Clones to bed 20 kunoichi at once on, "That is what I mean by 'Bedding you'."

"Where are their penises?" Naruto asked, tilting his head while munching some popcorn that appeared in his lap. A nude picture of Hinata Hyuuga appeared, and Washu pointed to her crotch.

"Generally, the penis is inserted in there during things like this," she said, dryly.

"No, the girls are... wow... is that Hinata? No wonder she faints all the time, if she's that fat and in such heavy clothes she must be getting heat stroke!" Naruto stated with a worry as he looked around for his teammate. "I gotta help her get out of those clothes!"

Washu chuckled. "You do that. Then you need a packet of these, and to look for a book named Icha Icha for how to work with them and the poor poor girl." She said, half-sarcastically, handing him a box of heavy duty condoms.

Naruto looked at the contents of the box and began putting the pieces of the puzzle together and got... a cup of ramen. 'Sweet, the crazy lady is giving me water balloons, and this Icha Icha book must be a secret battle tactics manual!'

Naruto then found himself back in his apartment... several months before he last remembered waking up, with the box from the 'dream' sat on his bedside table, and Hinata's address on a card next to it.


	135. Parent's Lament

_When you were alone, I was there._

A small blond boy huddled in the darkness of his apartment, hearing the sound of the festival going on outside his windows. He wasn't welcome there, he never was. It just wasn't fair, dammit, he wanted to celebrate the defeat of the Kyuubi too!

Five years ago today, the Yondaime had defeated the Kyuubi and saved all of Konoha, but for whatever reason they had, the people refused to let him join in the celebration. Was it because they thought he'd want special treatment because it was also his birthday?

Wiping away the tears, he felt a gentle warmth enveloping him, one that he always felt when he was lonely and sad. A soothing warmth that told him it was alright, and that he would be fine. At the edges of his hearing, a gentle voice whispered, "It's alright son, I'm here for you."

When he opened his eyes to look around, he found that it was just his imagination again, as there was nothing around save his few pieces of damaged and worn furniture. Those voices were such liars... everyone he met lied to him all the time.

Deciding to end the night early, he curled up on his bed and cried himself to sleep. In the morning, he could never figure out how the blanket had gotten tucked in around him, but it did make him feel a bit of happiness bubbling from deep in his heart.

_When the world stood against you, I was there._

Naruto pulled himself up from in front of the training log he'd been kicking away at since classes had let out. It had been parent's day again, and once again, he was the only one without anyone showing up to see their child's progress.

Instead he was taken to an isolated training ground by Iruka-sensei and tested on much the same things the others had been, but without anyone to cheer him on. No one cared about him, not the dead last. Not Naruto Uzumaki, but he would show them, he'd show them all! He wasn't useless like they all said, he wasn't a demon! He would become Hokage if that's what it took for him to be recognized by those people that looked at him with those hateful eyes.

"You can do it Naruto, I'm here for you," a tiny voice whispered softly into his ear, causing him to whirl around, trying to find the source. No one was there, but in a village of ninja that didn't say anything. They could hide, and none of them really stood out. Every one of them blurred together to everyone else, however Naruto would remember them.

He would stand out to them, make sure that they remembered him too. He'd seen those orange jumpsuits in the windows, and if he could be an awesome ninja in those, then no one could touch him when he became a chuunin.

Even if he had to go it alone, he would show the world just who he was by walking his own path to being a ninja!

_When you were broken, I was there to help you mend._

Naruto gasped as he felt the hole in his chest closing, he'd failed to bring Sasuke back. Sakura would be so disappointed in him. But right now, he didn't care, he just wanted to drift away on this feeling of lightness that was enveloping him.

Forcing his eyes to open, he found himself staring into a pair of eyes he could never again remember, save for the tiny fact that he knew he was safe with them. "Hold on kid, I'm here for you." Smiling weakly, Naruto reached up with his blood soaked hand to stroke the cheek of those tender eyes. However, his strength failed him before he could reach and slipped into darkness once again.

_All along, I was there for you, because you were there for me._

Minato Namikaze held the little bundle of joy his wife had given him in his arms. He was an amazing child, and he was going to need to grow up strong in order to survive in this world. "Naruto, I'm sorry I won't be here for you... but this is so there is a here for you to be..."

With that, Minato charged off to face off against the great demon fox, knowing that his life was forfeit, but more than willing to do anything to save his wife and their child.


	136. Narummi Bears!

This is a strange crossover that occurred to me after watching a few old cartoon ops on YouTube. Basically what happened is that Sunni of Disney's Adventures of the Gummi Bears is the sole remaining Gummi Bear of Gummi Glen, that's been around since before Konoha was even a dream in the eyes of ninja. I put the lives of the Gummis as being somewhere near a few hundred of years. Due to a barely remembered episode, I've put a somewhat halt on Sunni's apparent age, so that she's roughly the same physical age as in the show.

Don't own the Gummi Bears, nor Naruto.

* * *

Naruto was on the way from the mobs again, this time he went into the forests, beyond the rocky area that was forbidden for any to enter. He couldn't see why, they were actually a bunch of really cool buildings with these metal suits, cool swords, and all those books behind that invisible wall!

But he had never been beyond them before today, so since he'd been chased past his usual hideout, he decided to do a little exploring. Climbing past one of the trees, he let out a shout as the entire side of the trunk collapsed in on itself and sent him tumbled down into what appeared to be a cozy, if dusty, living room. Looking around he noticed a few indicators that someone had been living here not too long ago, and so he called out, "Hello? Anyone here? I kinda just fell in your front door!"

Hearing a faint sound through one of the doors, he started heading towards it so he could see if someone lived here. Knocking softly on the door, he listened for movement on the other side, and was almost surprised when he heard someone approaching the door. Stepping back he blinked as a short bear appeared in front of him, a short blond bear with a green dress on, a short blond bear with a green dress on and a giant forelock over her forehead. Maybe he should stop focusing on the short bear's appearance. Well short for a bear, since she was about his height. "Umm... h... hi... I'm Sunni..."

"Hey Sunni, I'm Naruto! Are you all alone here?" Naruto asked curiously, looking at the strangely void living quarters. It looked like there should be others here, but there was no one else around.

"N... no... the others are j... just out..." Sunni protested weakly as she rubbed her arm quietly. "They... they should be back soon. Gumhalla isn't far..."

"Oh, well I'm sorry about barging in Sunni... how do I get out of here?" Naruto asked, figuring the girl-bear-thingie wanted to be left alone. As he was looking around, he couldn't be faulted for missing how her eyes widened in what looked almost like terror, and her body stiffened fearfully.

"Go? B... but you just got here, how about some tea? I'm sure Grammi left some of her cookies around too... Just stay for a bit and you can meet everyone..." Sunni offered suddenly as she nearly pushed Naruto into a chair by the empty fireplace. It was as she was turning away that he noticed her eyes were rimmed with a redness he'd only seen when he was crying late at night.

Deciding to stay for a little while with the obviously lonely bear, she seemed young and this had to be her first time alone like this. So it wouldn't be too bad to stick around for a little while. Besides, he'd never had cookies before, and all the kids said they were great, so why not have some?

It was while he was waiting for her, he saw a faded photograph with a group of six bears including Sunni all posed together. There were several colors among all of them from pink to purple, even an orange one. If he'd been asked by anyone, he would have commented that for some odd reason they reminded him of his academy class, but he couldn't think of why.

Hearing the bear's return, he blinked as she set out a pair of cups with handles, on small plates, and a metal pot with a pour spout on it. "Sorry about this, but we only have Gummi Berry tea left... don't worry it won't do anything weird, Grammi made sure of that when she taught me the recipe..."

"That's fine, it smells great!" Naruto assured the girl, while taking the cup of tea she poured for him. Taking a sip, he watched as she busied her hands with tidying up a little, as though she was nervous or uneasy about something. Taking a moment to swallow the sweet tea, he pointed at the picture he'd been looking at earlier. "Are those the others?"

Sunni's head snapped to the faded picture, and then she did something Naruto hadn't expected. Her eyes welled up with tears, and she curled up into a sitting ball on her seat. "Yes... t...that's them..."

Now, Naruto had never grown up with what anyone might consider a normal family life, but he could see that them not being around was hurting her. Thinking quickly, he picked out what he hoped would cheer her up. "Hey, how about you come over to my place for a while? Just leave a note for them or something..."

"SURE! That'd be great... but... other humans can't see me... it's a rule of ours..." Sunni explained while fidgeting in her seat nervously. Naruto blinked slowly as her nervousness became almost palpable.

It was at that moment that he got one of the strangest ideas he'd ever had, and figured it might just work. "Why don't I just say you're my ninkuma or something?" Naruto asked curiously as she looked at him as though he was completely insane. "Well you're a bear, and not one of the usual ones, so all we have to is say that you're my ninja companion and no one'll even give you a second thought!"

"T...they do that now?" Sunni asked in shock, her tea completely forgotten.

"Oh yeah, all the time. I saw one girl with a pack of three wolf-like dogs," Naruto explained with a laugh as he downed the tea, feeling a strange sensation wash over him. It would be so easy to pull this off, and if she didn't like it, she could just disappear, and he'd make some story up to cover for it. "What do you say? I mean, we'd just have to talk to the old man, and he'd smooth everything over. Whatcha say? Wanna just hang out at my place for a while?"

"T...That sounds great!" Sunni answered cheerfully as she hugged the boy that had suddenly offered her freedom from her loneliness. The others had been gone for so long.

After Granni and Zummi passed away in their sleep, the others had gone take them to Gumhalla, the traditional burial grounds of the Gummi Bears, and then took Cubbi on his coming of age quest. That had been nearly five-hundred years ago. She had stayed behind to continue brewing the Gummy-berry juice and maintaining the bushes. After all, if they weren't picked at least every five years, they would die out and to grow new ones would take at least thirty years before they were able to be picked.

In that time they would run out of their surplus juice, and most likely suffered some horrible fate because of it. She had just picked and bottled the last batch of juice for the year, so she could take a short vacation. The others would understand, and she wouldn't be exposed thanks to Naruto's plan. All she had to do was not use any juice in front of humans, or any of the magic Zummi had taught her before he died. She could also keep the Great Book of Gummi Magic at Gummi Glen and keep that secret too.

Finishing their tea and cookies, the pair set off on the journey back to the village of Konoha as Naruto referred to it, past what Sunni called the ruins of Dunwyn. A once mighty and peace loving kingdom that had been destroyed after her friend Calla had passed on from old age. After they got past the gate guards, with orders to see the Hokage, she found out much that Naruto hadn't mentioned.

It seemed that her loneliness wasn't the only one the boy had cured that day. If she had anything to say about it, he was never going to be lonely again.


	137. Ghostwriter

An old man sat in his den looking over the pages that he was supposed to submit to the editor with a deep frown on his face. It was pure and utter drek, and he knew it. However, there was nothing he could do about it since the editors were the ones calling the shots right now. Tilting his head, he sighed heavily and pointed over to a sealed envelope on the desk by the door. "What you're looking for is over there," he stated calmly setting down the stack of pages.

Without turning around, he seemed to know when the package suddenly vanished from the desk, replaced instead by a small lotus blossom on top of a DVD. "Thank you for your hard work, I'll get that over to the animation department as soon as possible."

The silent presence didn't dissipate, causing him to let out a small, bitter chuckle. "I know you'd prefer to get back in the show, but they have plans for you." He answered bitterly, tossing her a recent volume, for it to end up impaled on the wall by a senbon a few minutes later, "I would love to have you be there for him, along with the other two girls, but the editors won't let me publish it."

"Sasuke?" The presence asked quietly, for him to nod gravely as he contemplated adding a few knives of his own to the senbon. At least it was a copy and not the master, so he could destroy it however he would like. "What's next week's Uchiha worship fest?" The presence continued.

"Hell if I know, I just want to wash my hands of the whole damn thing," the man answered tersely as he rubbed his face. "Sorry, I'm just tired... forgive me. They're even misquoting me in the fandom, and that's not right."

"There is no need to forgive, we understand you are not representing us, but rather what the editors wish to see. Ninja understand how to play the part, I will leave you to your work Kishimoto-sensei," the voice answered revealing a softness he'd come to appreciate in his regular visitor.

After the presence had left, the old man ran a hand through his thinning hair and smiled warmly. Scooping up the lotus blossom he ran his thumb over a petal and chuckled lightly, looking at a faded pile of manga pages, His Naruto. "Someday Haku, someday the real story will come out."


	138. Naruto MacGuyver

Naruto was BORED. He had been out walking along, minding his own business when Iruka popped out of nowhere and dragged him off to a library to finish some report or other for class. He still had a whole three weeks before it was due! So instead of enjoying a nice sunny day outside, he was stuck in the library browsing through books on survival.

Looking over his shoulder, he sighed heavily as Iruka continued to keep an eagle-eyed watch on him. Letting out a grumble, he turned back to his search, looking for the smallest book he could get away with for the report. 'Crikey!' by Steve Irwin was just too large, while "Bear Wrestling" by James "Grizzly" Adams sounded like it'd just get him laughed out of class. Finally his eyes landed on a book simply titled "Survival Guide" by some dead guy named Angus MacGuyver. To be honest, that just sounded like a really odd name, so he pulled it off the shelf and began reading.

What he found inside was a man that spoke to his very pocket book. This wasn't just about surviving in nature, no this was about surviving in any situation. Everything seemed to be in here, from how to fish with only a bit of gum and a wrapper, to how to blow a hole into a wall using only a pocket knife, a banana peel, and some cleaning supplies.

Oh, this was going to be perfect.

Five Years Later

It was a bright and sunny day in Konoha, the birds were chirping, the ninjas were getting missions of a kill or be killed nature, and all was quiet and calm. A rather unusual day for Konoha actually. But they do get a few.

"_**HE DID WHAT?**_"

Ah there we go, the sweet sound of peoples minds snapping like brittle twigs. Let us away to the Hokage's office to see what the old man's advisers are yelling about today, shall we?

"He did nothing that we can confirm, however it would seem he escaped from being tied up over a tiger pit, and blew a hole big enough for himself to escape through, with only a paperclip, the rope and chains he was tied up with, and one of the tigers in the pit," Sarutobi explained calmly, knowing that the investment in ear plugs he had bought was paying off today.

"How in all the hells does that little nuisance manage these things!" Homura cried, exasperated. He honestly couldn't understand how it was physically possible. And worse, this wasn't an isolated incident!

"He claims clan-technique rights as the head of the Uzumaki clan," Sarutobi admonished in a practiced tone, that almost hinted at being utterly bored with explaining this over and over again. "Now, can you tell me why he was there in the first place? As it was your warehouse he was locked into..."

"Just planning to teach him a lesson for last week," Homura admitted, blushing and unable to meet his old teammate's gaze. His pride still stung...

Sarutobi took a long drag on his pipe, and let out the smoke in a simple circle which drifted lazily out the window. "And would you say that he learned said lesson?"

"...Somehow, I doubt it," the disgruntled elder grumbled. Honestly, that boy had far too much of his mother in him... and too much of the _evil, irksome, loathable, mischievous _side of his father for that matter.

"Insurance claim denied on act of annoying Naruto, move along."

"You can't be serious," Homura muttered mouth hanging open.

"Homura, under any other circumstances, I'd help you," 'I'm still planing to actually,' he thought, "but I need to make an example otherwise these circumstances will repeat and Naruto will keep causing damage and become increasing angered with his aggressors, and that's just not anyone's good interest."

"I suppose..."

"Care to join me for some tea later?" the old Hokage asked.

"But we haven't-" then Homura noticed his old squadmate winking at him. '_You sneaky son of a bitch!' _"I would be delighted Hiruzen."


	139. New Intro 16

**Kakashi looked over his new genin squad curiously as they sat on the roof, soaking up the sunshine. To say they were not what he expected upon reading their files would be something of an understatement.**

The most immediately noticeable problem with these students was the complete and utter lack of anything resembling clothing, or the usual shame that one might show being completely and utterly naked before a stranger. Yet these three were perfectly fine sitting in their little cages on the other side of the roof.

Alright, so maybe the cages themselves should be another red flag, or at least something that should have been noted on their psych profiles. The need for cages aside, he could only hope that there was some semblance of normalcy to these new students. According to the Hokage, he had to take these three, or else it was teaching at the academy again. He couldn't face those kids again.

Then there was the tiny, insignificant fact that each one of them look like they hadn't seen the inside of a bathroom since the day they were born. The hair on the girl was matted and entwined with mud and sticks, and she was the best case out of the three of them. Each one of them had hair long enough to wear as a vest, if not a tunic. Their claws, as he couldn't even rightly call the things at the end of their limbs anything else.

Personal hygiene issues aside, the pink one was picking bugs off of the blonde one, while the black haired one was licking his own upper thighs clean while emitting a noise that reminded Kakashi of a cat's purr. The flexibility would serve him well in the future, especially if he couldn't get a date, but that was a little on the disturbing side. The aforementioned blonde one was just sitting there with a dopey grin on his face, and Kakashi could almost swear there was a tail wagging behind him.

Now Kakashi had been a Jounin for longer than these three had been alive, and in that time he'd seen many unique and interesting individuals, including a woman that walked around with living snakes serving as a bra. Those serpents truly knew how to lift and separate as far as he was concerned, but that was another matter to be reminisced over a hot bath and a copy of Icha Icha not in front of three young and innocent children who happened to look more like they were just pulled out of the tar pits.

"Let's introduce ourselves," Kakashi started, getting their attention. "I'm Kakashi Hatake, and I'm going to be your jounin instructor..."

Trailing off, he couldn't help but notice the complete and utter lack of understanding upon their faces. Wonderful, they couldn't even understand speech, how was he supposed to communicate with them? Thinking about it for a moment, he sighed and summoned up his most trusted canine companion, Pakkun.

"Hey boss, what's with this animal show?" Pakkun asked curiously as he took in the scene before him. "Is that one marking his territory?"

"That's... why I called you in... I need you to communicate with them..." Kakashi explained while watching Naruto hike his legs at the back of his cage. "Or at least translate for me."

"You're going to owe me so many steaks for this..." the pug grumbled before waddling his way over to the cages and beginning to bark and whimper at the trio of future students. At first it seemed like they had some sort of understanding building as they all turned to focus on him. That illusion lasted until Sakura reached out, picked up the dog and began to pet him while grunting happily.

"Boss! Get me out of here!" Pakkun shouted as he tried to drag himself out of the cage with his claws leaving scratches in the solid metal bars. He hadn't done that since the last time he took him to the veterinarian's office. Writing the dog off as lost, the valiant jounin reconsidered working with children, after all it couldn't nearly be as bad as her remembered.

Oh wait... there's that twitch his eye got every time he considered going back.

"Sakura?" Kakashi tried, addressing the pink monstrosity quietly. As she turned her attention towards the man, her hands still clutching the dog. "Let him go."

That she seemed to understand, as she bared her teeth and let out a roar of challenge. It was a rather deep one for a female, but he knew that for a human copying the gorilla roar it was pretty impressive. How he learned that is a sad tale that involved him getting lost in Training Grounds 44. Counting to ten before he did something stupid, he repeated in a calm, soothing voice. "Let him go."

The girl clung to the dog, who let out a terrified whimper that sounded more like a squeak toy than his usual begging whimper. Again she gave the challenging roar, which Kakashi met with dry and emotionless look on his face. Honestly, those little angels that join the academy seemed far more ideal than this trio all the time.

"Let him go," Kakashi ordered again, and this time the girl set down the dog and released him. "Good girl." Looking at her he really wondered just how long it would take to make her look like a human, let alone act like one. Then his eyes drifted to the other two and his mind wandered down paths of just dropping them off at the zoo instead. Honestly there was little humanity left to these three, it would probably be better and easier just to go that route.

Leaving the gorilla girl to sulk in her cage, the masked jounin turned to face the whiskered blonde with an almost bored expression. "Naruto?" the boy's head tilted curiously as a soft whimpering noise escaped him. "Pakkun, can you understand him?" the man asked as he broke into a strange almost clucking noise that he could almost remember being called gekkering or something along those lines.

"He thinks you're wanting to play with him," the dog answered from his spot safely behind the jounin instructor, "Either that or a fight, but I'd suggest playing for now."

"Maa... no playtime until after we get everyone introduced..." Kakashi argued, but tossed a rubber ball to the blonde, who pounced upon it and began gnawing on it. It hadn't escaped the silver-haired instructor that the bars were showing teeth marks from him being in captivity for so long already.

Turning to the last one, the one he had hoped to be the most civilized and adult of the trio, he found him curled up napping while a soft purr-like snore rumbled from his chest. It felt strange that his eye was beginning to twitch when he hadn't even considered going to teach those little hellions how to not get killed while killing others. Was it too much to ask that they actually listen to him once in during the year?

Well at least this one wasn't screaming holy hell and running around like a maniac. Though completely ignoring him and sleeping wasn't much better. "Sasuke?" Kakashi asked, trying to draw his attention. As the snore continued unbroken, he decided instead to attempt another tactic. Pulling out a can of cat food and a can opener that he'd wondered why the Hokage had insisted he take along, he set it on the floor and began opening the can.

The effects were nearly instantaneous as Sasuke perked up from his nap, swirled around and ran into the bars with enough force to roll the cage like a giant die. Hearing the mewling and hissing, Kakashi let a heavy sigh escape. Traditionally dogs might be the dumber of the two species, but sometimes he couldn't help but wonder why that stereotype ever took off if a cat did things like that.

"Right... you three wait here until the zoo comes to pick you up, I'm going to go volunteer to be an academy teacher," Kakashi stated dryly before standing up and walking off without a care in the world. Teaching children wouldn't be so bad, at least they understood human language and spoke it for the most part. Besides, if that didn't work out, he'd just whip out Icha Icha, start reading and get killed by Iruka.

Total win-win for him.


	140. To Win without Killing

The first of two challenges submitted by my friend Gouken 2012 as a starter for stories to build off of. Have at her folks!

* * *

Bowed with age and a bitterness over the fate of the once beautiful landscape around her, the once mighty warrior tightened her cloak about her chest as she held onto her staff. Her troops, the brave kunoichi of the Kitsune Warriors, had told her that this was the place and the time that the mighty Kurama-sama had agreed to meet with the leader of the remnants of the beautiful country.

It was a bitter irony that they were meeting here, the very site of her greatest failure, and Kurama-sama's final freedom. A bitter irony that she knew that the powerful being that she swore fealty to knew and was using to reinforce just how much she suffered Hinata's continued existence.

"There you are, Yuurei-no-me, Come to look at the dead body of your precious boyfriend?" a silky voice asked from behind her, causing her to turn around slowly already knowing the owner of the voice.

"Kurama-sama, I your humble servant thank you most deeply for granting me this audience," Hinata responded formally as she dropped to her knees as quickly as age would allow. Something that she knew annoyed the kitsune.

"You might fool Inari-sama with your masks and the fact you have allowed her precious worshippers exalted status, but I know your real feelings. You hate me, don't you? Hate that I took the boy from you that you loved..." Kurama purred.

"You had no part in what took him away mighty Kurama-sama, the mistakes of fools shall not be paid upon your greatness," Hinata answered nearly automatically, something that she knew would annoy her some more. She may not hate the demon-fox, currently standing in a form that the last Hokage of Konohagakure bore herself when she surrendered the services of her nation for its survival. However that did not mean it didn't grate upon her to be subservient to a constant reminder of the death of her love, a love that was never fulfilled.

"So, what do you want that brings you into a place that, if it wasn't for my order, would mean you join the thousands who died here before you?" Kurama asked with a slight twinge to her eye. The girl knew her buttons to press, and used them well.

Hinata paused for a moment before taking a deep breath as she readied herself for what she was about to do. It had weighed on her mind since the first she had been offered, and now she felt she knew what to do with the opportunity granted her. "I am here... to accept your offer of returning to the past."

"Your youth, your strength, everything returned to you, for a simple price. To become a kitsune, past, present and future, if you fail to deliver peace to this world without my victory." Kurama purred, "I will not claim your past yet, little fox. But, when you fail, you will not be able to taunt me, tease me, and cajole me into thinking you care."

"There is one final condition before I agree and sign my blood to your contract..." Hinata stated as she pressed her hand for all it was worth, what little that was, she wasn't certain but it could not be overly much.

"Naruto's soul was always going to be yours, little fox," Kurama offered, "Well, he died in my service..."

"In lieu of that, I ask instead for one thing my liege," Hinata cut in, adding another layer of formality and finality to the negotiations. "I ask that the condition you make yourself known to Naruto immediately be exchanged."

Kurama laughed. "Guess what, little fox. If you meet him, well, your word will be like my word in the mortal realm, since.." She declared, pausing before she explained it more, "Your soul is tied, for eternity, to whatever vessel my soul is in, as soon as the contract is signed... So, if Naruto doesn't die..."

Hinata's breath hitched for a moment. That was the big catch. Her present-day self would be Naruto's slave, through Kurama, while her past self would be unaware of the contract for all time. "Yes, Little Fox, the reason you can go free from the contract as it stands if Naruto survives, is that you will be his kitsune, not mine. And there's no other way."

"Naruto... is a fit man and always has been, for my humble service. Should it be called of me, I would give more than just my soul to protect him," Hinata answered after her breath came back to her. It was time for the contract to begin. "I, Hinata Hyuuga, the servant of Kurama no Yoko, the great Kyuubi no Kitsune, offer my eternal soul in service in return that my youth be returned and granted the chance to right wrongs of the past."


	141. Naruto's Angels

The second of two challenges from Gouken 2012, this one caught my interest in particular because it expresses a brilliant solution to what I consider a problem in the Naruto-verse.

* * *

Once upon a time in the land on Konohagakure there lived a hero that was seen as something to be tormented as a demon that he held at bay. Little was done to protect the boy as he grew up, and in fact the truth was rather the opposite and the protection went to making sure that the only people that cared for him to completely fail to stop the assaults upon him. However, one should really think that they couldn't stop the greatest ninja in the entire village from knowing what was happening.

****

What he saw sickened him, in particular the actions of some of his own ninjas lashing out in grief and anger. They should have better control over their emotions than that. While he could understand that they were suspicious of another Orochimaru of unimaginable might growing up in their midst, he could not forgive.

****

Many of those ninja suddenly saw service cleaning ditches and chasing a notorious cat known only as Tora. Some suspected that Tora had once been a summon that had somehow gotten stuck in their world, but the truth was that the damn thing was far too immortal for that to be true. They'd already confirmed it wasn't a nekomata or bakeneko anyway.

****

But back to the current problem, he wanted some way of protecting the boy, without showing his hand in such a way that the council could raise too much of a fuss. He may have been overlord of the city, but he was old and didn't want to listen to their bitching all the time. So instead he sighed as he watched his young hero happily slurping bowl after bowl of ramen with abandon. It was his half-birthday treat, and Ichiraku's had always been a haven for the lad.

****

Admittedly, any other restaurant in Konohagakure had been fined, discreetly, for 'health violations' related to not giving him even one koku of rice. Reaching out he frowned deeply as he found his cup of tea had been emptied in his last drink. Before he even could raise a question of a refill, young Ayame was there with the pot and a smile. "Here you go Hokage," she offered cheerfully before bustling over to take Naruto's empty bowls. "More ramen Naruto?"

****

"Thanks Ayame! You're an angel!" Naruto shouted between bowls, happily bouncing in his seat. And that sentence struck up a thought in the crafty old mind of one Sarutobi Hiruzen.

****

An angel huh? What if there was a team of them watching over the boy? A group of girls perhaps? Yes, they tended to have more maternal instincts, and he had seen less females, especially among his age group violate the Fourth's wishes. His gaze drifted over the scenery and smiled as he found an old familiar sight hiding just beyond a bush. The young girl had more than once acted in Naruto's defence, though the boy didn't know it. She would be perfect to start the group, and then-

****

He cut himself off as he caught sight of the eyes peeking out of the bushes. A predatory gleam entered his eyes as he realized just who the young lady was. It would seem that old Hiashi might have a way to pay off the debt he owed to Minato after all. And the fact she was already looking out for him...

****

Perfect leader.

****

The next member, he might go with that orphan girl that had played with Naruto a few times before she was adopted by Kumo-chan, the great mother bear of a woman that ran one of the best blacksmith shops in town. Which had the unfortunate side-effect of drawing out the weapon obsession in the young girl, who no longer found time for play and bugged him nearly daily for missions she could do to earn money for more 'toys'. Kumo-chan was also the one that had forged Minato's own hirashin kunai all those years ago, she would be a wonderful asset for Naruto to get to know and befriend.

****

For the third member, he figured that bright young girl with vibrant pink hair that was in Naruto's class would make an excellent addition, and hopefully would assist the boy in his schoolwork as well. Her mother being head of the merchant division of the civilian council was barely a side thought, especially since she had to often refuse to dole out punishments to the merchants for they made counterclaims. However, she believed the boy to simply be a product of his environment growing up. She would also share some of her favorite pranks of the week with Sarutobi in a memo.

****

However, her husband was a bit troubling as he hated Minato with a passion for some unknown reason, and Sarutobi could only pray that he hadn't taught his daughter to hate Naruto. The fact that he was trying to get in good with the minders of Sasuke Uchiha so that his daughter could gain the boy's favor was disquieting as well. She may have to be a flex member, as the other girl he suspected of becoming a genin on the first try was vital to the counterintelligence future of the city, he couldn't commit her. He would prefer her, but perhaps her team would work closely with the angels.

****

Now he just needed a jounin to lead them.

****

Whoever he chose would have to effectively be outside of the normal jounin rotation, so he'd not be taking more than just three girls out of the graduation rotation for that year. "GET BACK HERE YOU BRATS!" shouted a voice that he should have expected to hear when it was least opportune. Turning around he found one of his Tokubetsu-jounin chasing after a group of genins her snake arms stretching out before her. The fact that she was soaking wet and those genin were still carrying water balloons told him much about the situation. It was Anko, the other 'demon' of Konoha and pariah because her master Orochimaru had abandoned her when he left the town, bearing his cursed mark.

****

She would understand the boy's plight the best, and would be a grateful for the mission that wouldn't take too much time from her current assignment with the Intelligence and Interrogation division. Well, all she'd need to do is collect information from the 'angels' and tell them what to do with it. It was worrying how much she enjoyed the second part of the division's name, under the private tutelage of Ibiki Moreno, but perhaps a couple 'blind eyes' to her activities might garner her favor towards the second job.

****

Yes, Naruto should be happy at all costs. Sipping his tea, he allowed himself a faint smile as he realized just how much hell these 'angels' will likely end up raising.


	142. No Net Ninjas 7

******31) TV Tropes**

Naruto knew that there was supposed to have been something he was supposed to be doing today, however that had flown out the window about twenty pages back. Every click brought about a torrent of information for him to read through. It had started innocently enough with looking up something about the show Sakura had been going on about, and from there he found a link to a topic that seemed funny, which linked to a show Iruka-sensei had mentioned a few times, after that it started to blur into a mild haze.

Haku looked at Zabuza, who looked at his watch. "They were going to come for a rematch, I'm sure of it..." Haku claimed, "So, think I should go mess with the cute boy's head again?"

"If he actually notices you've been taping up your breasts, date him." Zabuza declared, "I'm going to go kill Gato, this is too boring a job."

"Maa... excuse me Zabuza? But we're behind you..." Kakashi grumbled as he and two of his three students stood behind where the pair were holding the discussion. Zabuza simply swung his arm back, and clocked Kakashi in the mask, dispelling the water clone..

"As I was saying, we'll wait for another hour for your boyfriend to get here, then we're going to kill Gato." Zabuza continued completely ignoring the protest of the unimportant two.

"He's not my boyfriend!" Haku protested before turning away with a pout. ". . . yet."

******32) Kickstarter**

"We've managed to finance the rebuilding of Wave!" Naruto announced as he showed them the page for the Kickstarter project he'd started when he'd heard about Tazuna's problem, "Everyone that Gato had been found to be screwing over in his mercenaries paid 100 ryo. We've managed to earn enough to build the bridge and employ Zabuza Momichi for guard duty on the bridge as well."

A few feet away, Zabuza was smiling, not that you could tell with the bandages around his face. All he'd done was tell the mercenaries that Gato wasn't paying them. Meanwhile, thirty Naruto clones were serving as a small, impromptu army of assistants for the bridge building crew.

******33) Skype**

Tenten opened her laptop, logging into one of her favorite chat programs, Skype.

BigBadaBoom: So, how's everyone been?

WatersFriend: Fine, my friends just left and I realized that the house is empty without them... especially her...

BigBadaBoom: Never had that problem myself. Does help that my friends are over regularly.

WatersFriend: Oh we're always together, but you know my mother's always working at the hospital, and dad's gone... The others have an energy about them I miss when they're gone.

WitchHunterNotRobin: Don't be sad, they'll come back to you. Despair is a terrible emotion to feel.

WatersFriend: I know that, but I just keep thinking about them... especially her smile... her laugh... her obsession with that jerk sempai that broke her heart.

WitchHunterNotRobin: I know the feeling. I've lost my friends... many times, and it usually ends up badly for everyone.

BigBadaBoom: Lost friends? Wait, is this about that multiple-life thing you talked about?

WitchHunterNotRobin: Recently resolved. Took a lot, but now no-one died... I feel like that man off the TV, The Doctor, only happy when no-one dies but the day is saved.

WatersFriend: Usa-chan is the same way... I hate dying, but I know that surviving is worse.

BigBadaBoom: Seriously glad I haven't died yet, it's a little less... flexible... here.

WitchHunterNotRobin: If you see anything that seems cute named Kyubey, tell him to go jump off a cliff. I prefer WatersFriend's way of becoming a magical girl.

BigBadaBoom: Born into it is much more pleasant than those contracts... I'm stuck just being me...

Tenten sighed, closing her laptop with a heavy heart as she found herself looking up at the clock on the wall. She had an appointment to go to and if she didn't leave now, she wouldn't have time to get dumplings on her way in. Picking up the laptop, she sighed again before forcing a smile onto her face. Maybe if she convinced the psychologist she was emotionally stable enough, she could get her Boom-boom tags back.

After that maybe she'd tell WatersFriend to just ask out her friend M-chan, and that WitchHunterNotRobin should just use this Kyubey that she keeps talking about for archery target practice. But they each had problems to deal with, and she just didn't feel right advising them when she couldn't beat her own.

******34) tumblr... just tumblr...**

Temari looked around her room very carefully, she knew that if anyone found out about this, she'd have to kill them in various horrible and indescribably painful ways. Powering up her system, she waited patiently for it to load by pacing around her room. Finally it played the familiar loading notes alerting her to its ready status.

Sitting down in her chair she smiled as she logged into her account and began scrolling through the new posts since last night. There was only about fifty or sixty today, so it had to be a slow day. Then she found that she had some questions in her ask box. Seeing the familiar red speech box off the word Inbox she smiled knowing that someone liked her fan-created character enough to play along with her. Then she saw the number inside the box and felt her heart clutch in her chest. "Over a hundred?!" she exclaimed while nearly falling out of her chair.

Who knew that her pony based off Naruto Uzumaki would be so popular?

******35) HAVEN'T YOU GIVEN THEM ENOUGH BAD IDEAS?!**

"After our previous group almost got us killed." Monkey announced, "We had to let one of them go for a while. The psychiatrist claims she'll allow her access to explosives when she doesn't think they should be used to wallpaper the Uchiha compound then set them off."

"Our new Myth-tern is Haku Yuki, who will be testing what is the slipperiest surface you can create using just things you can find in a normal ninja village." Walrus continued with a quiver of his mustache, "We have got some people in to test each surface, and to attempt to cross them without falling over. The surface they fail worst on is the winner."

"Oh we finished that already," a young female explained while wheeling into the room in a wheelchair. "Who would have thought that banana peels, marinated in the sweat of Maito Gai, and sprayed with cooking spray would be so dangerous? I do remember you saying we got medical right?"

"Yes, but only psych help," Monkey declared, "We don't do injury coverage, beyond the usual waivers."

"I'd like you to talk to my attorney then..." Haku countered while Zabuza stepped out of a mist cloud wearing a business suit and carrying his blade.

"Oh shit, it's the Demon Lawyer of the Mist!" Walrus exclaimed, "CUT THE FE-!"

We would like to apologize for the interruption of our regularly scheduled program with this musical program.


	143. New Intros 17

You didn't ask for it, some of you didn't want it, but it's back!

* * *

Kakashi looked over his new genin squad curiously as they sat on the roof, soaking up the sunshine. To say they were not what he expected upon reading their files would be something of an understatement.

For one, he didn't know where the one had gotten a full spandex outfit in that particular shade of Blue, but he was nearly certain that Gai had something to do with it. But even that he could have dealt with, if it wasn't for the flamboyant pirate hat that the boy was wearing on top of his face masked helmet. "And then Red ran him through with her sword and-" the boy exclaimed to his companions, having used several pirate terms that curdled the blood of any true ninja previously. The mention of 'stealing' the powers of others had him a bit worried, but he was sure he could train the boy out of whatever it was.

His companions also seemed to be a cause for concern as the pink one was wearing a strange hat, similar to the one the blue nightmare was wearing, but much stiffer. The strange devices at her waist held his attention for a moment, especially as she constantly kept cocking back the hammer-like part at the backside of the shiny silver object.

The final one was the oddest of the lot. From the top down, he was the least suitable for any type of ninja activity. The helmet was a bright blue that only seemed to be ready to stop impact blows to the head and nothing else. The matching blue jersey seemed to stretch over some sort of padding underneath, with more stuffed under the garish red pants. And worst of all he was wearing ice skates.

"Maa... I'm Kakashi Hatake, let's hear some introductions from you three..." Kakashi drawled as he looked over the odd trio curiously. How these three passed the academy baffled him to say the least.

"What would ya have us tell ya," the rosette drawled back with an odd twang to her voice.

"Oh, just your name, dreams for the future, and the like..." Kakashi offered while waving it off as unimportant. "For example: I'm Hatake Kakashi, you're not old enough to know my dreams yet, and my goal is to get through this without having to figure your insanity out."

"HURRICANGER!" A voice called out as the first figure took out some kind of key, his outfit changing into a light blue spandex suit with a ninja theme, before saying, "My name is Naruto Uzumaki, I am a member of the Mega Force Power Rangers, and protect the powers of the Super Sentai."

"Why are you a girl now?" Kakashi asked dryly, having heard of the 'sexy no jutsu' attack, and he was honestly underwhelmed by this.

"DEKARANGER!" The voice called out as Naruto took out a different key, changing into a totally different spandex suit, "Sorry about that. The Blue Dolphin Ranger was a girl, so... well, I can't use that Ranger Key without changing my gender."

"A useful transformation technique, but I would like to talk with you directly, not your other forms," Kakashi droned before turning towards the next one. "How about you oh pink one?"

Dodging from a direct path of the object she whipped out and pointed at him, he watched as a small metal projectile flew past his face and took out a chunk of cement. "I'm not the meek little girl you can get away with calling that, the name's Sakura Haruno, Texas Ranger. One day I will bring in the outlaw Tobi, and prove his identity to the people of Konoha."

"That's an S-ranked nuke-nin, good luck kid," Kakashi grumbled as he turned to look at the third and final one, who just gave him a sneer showing off several missing teeth. "How about you?"

"Sasuke Uchiha, Hockey Nin, I will prove to the village that my brother played dirty before killing my family. He was wrong, the New York Rangers are the best hockey team, and I will prove it with my ultimate skills," Sasuke proclaimed as he stood in the midst of the group sanity overlooked.

"MAGIRANGER!" the henshin voice called out, for Naruto to appear as yet another form, who slung an arm around the avenger's shoulder. "Tell you what, let's team up, us rangers against those that oppose us..."

"We need to do something about our fourth partner..." Sakura mused as she spun the chamber housing more of those metal projectiles.

"I suppose I know where we can get some green clothes and brown leathers," Naruto mused as he reverted to his normal self, and removed the helmet while leaving the hat in place. A female figure wearing a white and gold partially armored spandex suit with a stylized white tiger faceplate then joined them.

"I'm sure you had me choose to be blue since the gender flipped on them regularly!" He snapped at the other figure, "And stop using the Dairanger key."

"Well, I'm not strictly allowed to show my face in the village." The stranger said, "Anyway, have you finished with class?"

"No, he has not, who are you?" Kakashi asked, getting a bad sense of where this was going. "And please spare me the ranger stuff, just a name."

"Kurama, and I'm Naruto's friend. We have some ranger stuff to do, so..." the tiger faced female stated flatly, getting a wave of dismissal from the teacher.

"Have him at the tower tomorrow by nine, I'm going to see about getting them reassigned to more... appropriate teams," Kakashi stated vaguely before disappearing in a swirl of leaves.

As he found his way towards the Hokage office, he reflected on just how wrong his life had gone, and how easily it could be fixed by bathing in gravy, strapping steak to his body, and leaping headfirst into the Forest of Death.


	144. No Net Ninjas 8

**36) Halloween Special! - Plants vs Zom- Ninjas**

"What kind of stupid summon is a sunflower?" the first of the invasion force sneered at Naruto. The orange clad ninja simply smiled as he suddenly summoned a odd looking pitcher plant with three heads, as well as a second sunflower, the pitcher plant seeming to look at them interestedly.

"Screw the summons, just kill the brat and lets go!" the second ordered as he shoved his partner towards the plant line. The pitcher plant suddenly started firing green projectiles which seemed to hit him with the force of a kunai shot, only to vanish as they reached an invisible border between the ninja and Naruto.

After a few minutes, Naruto had summoned a row of five of the sunflowers and five of the pitcher plants, the area in front of them somehow completely bare of anyone. "OK, I'm going in myself!" The leader of the group said, for a large purple venus fly trap to appear.

The last thing he heard was a loud chomp, then Naruto smirked. "So, How do you like my new summon jutsu?" Naruto asked Kakashi, who just looked at the fact Naruto had effectively blocked off one of the major bottlenecks with some kind of battle plant jutsu, and wondered where he'd learned it from, while the rest of the ninja wanting to attack where he was guarding just ran.

"And they said learning to garden was a useless hobby for a ninja," Naruto sneered as he cuddled one of the sunflowers.

**37) Get a Second Life**

Kurenai and Kakashi looked at each other, sighing.

"Your team missing as well?" She asked, looking towards the other team leaders who were waiting on part, or all, of their team to arrive for the day after their latest teamwork exercises.

Naruto snoozed on a beach, half-watching as several girls played in the water, Sasuke fast asleep while Sakura and Ino sunned themselves next to him.

While it was a private beach, several girls had managed to petition Naruto, as owner of the area, for use of it, and most of them were among the ones playing beach volleyball and swimming.

Othello_Yaya: Naruto, Have you seen the time?

Naruto: Yes, yes, but would you rather enjoy this or go out and deal with D-Rank crap missions?

Othello_Yaya: Good point. I'm going to see if I can beat Hinata and Hanabi at volleyball.

Sakura got up, and joined the volleyball tournament. Yes, life was good, especially when you let the hell of the real world pass you by. Still there was one question that was burning to escape Naruto, that he felt he had to ask.

Naruto: Oi teme, why are you a girl?

Saki: Because I get 10 times less rabid fangirls.

Naruto: And 200 times the fanboys...

Saki: I hate boys.

Naruto: Okay, so... that doesn't stop any, does it?

Kurama: Ooh, I've found out your...

Naruto: Foxface, get off the chat service!

A red-haired girl slid up next to Naruto, looking up at the sun.

Kurama: No, I just want to sit here, and not be considered a force of nature... Please?

ShadowKing: Hey Naruto, who's the new girl? She looks like a force of sexy nature...

Naruto: She's... a good friend. And no hitting on her. She had some bad times with a guy a few years ago.

ShadowKing: I won't, too troublesome, Ino wanted to know.

Kurama: Yeah right.

Piglet: SHIKA! YOU PROMISED NOT TO TELL!

In the real world, Naruto glared at the red haired girl who was sat with her own laptop. "Dammit, now I've got to explain about my 'sister'... What excuse do I give this time?" He asked the kitsune.

"That I'm from another country, and that I'm not answering Ino's request to... 'Split a pink pie.'?" Kurama offered while pointing to some of the private messages she'd been getting.

"Send them to Othello_Nana, Sakura's other account. She'll get revenge on Ino for that." Naruto replied.

"Done... weren't you supposed to be somewhere an hour ago?" the kitsune asked as she forwarded the message.

"Damn. You keep going on the moderating of my plot, and make sure Haku and Shion don't do something stupid." Naruto declared, "And make sure Sasuke and Sakura get to the same place as me."

"Like the last time they plotted out how to give you five hundred children, only using five hundred wives?" Kurama snarked with a devious smirk. "Let's see... ah here's the boot commands..."

Before Naruto could protest, a dreaded message appeared on every computer in the village. "NOOOOOOO..." Sakura howled, "I had that game won!"

**38) Service Not Found**

"Is that... it's... it's our students! Our beautiful, most youthful students!" Gai cried out as tears of joy tracked twin trails down his cheeks. It was almost like he couldn't tell that each and every one of the students were a good deal paler than they had been the last they'd been seen.

"I just want to let you know... The Kyuubi accidentally crashed the village's ISP." Naruto explained while pulling out a catalogue. "But I suppose we could stand to stock up on supplies before the next raid... Sasuke, do you want more tomato juice?"

"How about a nice mission?" Kakashi offered while waving a scroll in front of Naruto's face. "We can get it done in no time, and then maybe some ramen and tomatoes, and Sakura can have a nice salad if she wants..."

"Kakashi, the village's ISP is down," Kurenai whispered, "Meaning no online for anyone."

"Why do you think I'm trying to get us away from Tsunade before she recovers from her online gambling site being down?" Kakashi whispered back with a nearly panicked look in his eye.

"Mapquest is down." She enunciated.

"I have an app for that!" Kakashi proclaimed while his phone dialed in to the site, only to show '404 - Site not found'. Kakashi tapped a few commands and it began dialing in through the phone lines to the Suna ISP. "Only a small delay... one... maybe two hours..."

"He's found an ISP!" One of the students called out, "He's got online up!"

"QUICK! TO THE COMPUTERS!" another student shouted, starting a stampede towards their apartments, only to have a mass of them stopped by chains bolting them to the ground.

"Now my Youthful students, let us train..." Gai stated calmly while pulling on one last chain, holding Sasuke in place as he tried to claw his way along.

"But we are going to beat Suna in Clan Wars tonight!" Ino protested as she watched Sakura struggle against the chains. "We need to run some practice battles in World of Tanks, they just updated the maps!"

"Maps? Updated?" Kakashi perked up at this news, thinking that Mapquest had updated again.

**39) Facebook Games**

"Hey cool, I'm in Pockie Ninja II..." Naruto announced as he looked over the new game he'd just discovered. "In fact... all of us Konoha Nin are here..."

"And they actually have your father, and you can actually fight alongside Hi-na-ta!" Kurama announced, "I've got a really good team going now."

"Hey! You knew about this?" Naruto asked as he looked over the team that Kurama had assembled. "Umm... there's only girls on your team aside from me... this isn't another attempt at getting me a harem, is it?"

"Would I have your mother on the team if it was that?" she pointed out with one of her clawed fingers.

Naruto paused to think, before groaning and placing his face into his palm. "Yes, because you think she'd give the other girls pointers with my father as a teaching model..."

Kurama got out a notebook. "Must use that in my counter to that evil book." she declared happily while scribbling down notes as Naruto glared at her. "Hey, rule 5: If you suggest it, and I can use it, it's fair game! Anyway, I'm going to do a DDoS on Mapquest again, don't let Kakashi know I keep bottlenecking it."

"And risk having to go through Kumo to get to Suna again? No thank you... Though I did get a couple numbers from girls there..." Naruto commented with a smirk. "You might even like one... she smelled of cats like Gaara smells of tanuki."

"Thanks for the tipoff." She said, smiling, "She was a fun girl when we weren't sealed into anyone."

"She mentioned much the same about you... and about sake and ice cream..." Naruto commented casually as he pulled out a photo album. "Gave me this copy..."

"Thanks," she offered, before going back to being the indirect sysop of Konoha's ISP node. "Anything else?"

"Yeah... Castle Age still lags out my system," Naruto complained as he pointed to where the game was still loading.

"You've got work to do anyway. Walrus and Monkey are still in the courts over Haku getting maimed." She pointed out.

"Tenten's getting it set up," Naruto answered dismissively.

**40) Ninbusters: Where Bad Ideas Abound**

The panda mask clad mythtern looked at the camera as she asked, "All set there?"

A thumb popped out in front of the camera turned upwards, getting a clap of pleasure from Panda. "Hello and welcome back Konoha, this is Panda, filling in for Walrus and Monkey while they're dealing with other matters. Today we're testing the myth that storage scrolls are bottomless. I can assure you that they aren't, but we're here to provide proof... and so..."

Tenten pulled out a storage scroll, "We are here in front of the Hokage monument, and will attempt to store it inside. Now, for something this size, we need a huge amount of chakra... FOX! GET OUT HERE AND USE YOUR CHAKRA!"

"Darn it... The ISP supervisor is having problems fixing that outage from earlier, and now this..." Fox grumbled, "Inari would be better at this you know, but she refuses to come out on camera."

"I know, but we need to prove this myth with a human chakra reserve so... seal the monument into this scroll please..." Panda ordered as she laid the scroll out at the base of the mountain. Fox let out a sigh as he walked over and eyed up the mountain for a moment before activating the sealing matrix with as much chakra as he could summon. "As you can see, there is not enough room in this scroll, nor chakra in Fox, to seal the monument inside so-" Panda began only to whip around as a blinding flash of light signalled that something had happened. As the camera focused, it revealed that the monument was now gone, though the ANBU that had been sitting around the headquarters were a bit perturbed about being forced to stop their plummets to death by whatever means necessary. "We are SO in trouble... PUT IT BACK! PUT IT BACK!"

Fox released the seal, only for the monument to return, facing the wrong way and upside down. "Umm... that shouldn't have happened..."

"Okay... first step is to destroy the evidence, then we kill the witness, and never talk about this again..." Panda commented as she pulled out a wicked looking sawback dagger. "Give me the camera..."

"You do know Inari broadcasts this across the entire Elemental-..." Naruto began, before the feed cut out.

A placard appeared on the screen reading 'We here at Inari Corporation would like to apologize for the inconvenience our programming has been having recently, in the meantime, please enjoy a recording of last night's Kabuki Theater."

Kurama munched on pocky as she watched Naruto and Tenten being chased by ANBU, several ninja, and lawyers. "Ah, the good old days, when Naruto got into trouble like this every day..." She sighed, "Gotta love when his ideas go bad."

She then picked up her phone. "Mum, it's Kurama. Yes, your son has got himself into trouble again. Flipping the Hokage Monument. Stop laughing... I know Dad will be pissed, but you're proud... Wait... he's laughing too? OK, When are you going to tell him his father is the Shinigami and you're... Oh, when he's THAT old..."

"Hold on, gotta go save him from the bloodthirsty monsters... and the other ninjas too I suppose..." Kurama offered with a sigh. "Stupid Lawyers ruin everything..."


	145. New Intros 18

Ah, it feels good to be back... not so sure that Kakashi agrees.

* * *

Kakashi looked over his new genin squad curiously as they sat on the roof, soaking up the sunshine. To say they were not what he expected upon reading their files would be something of an understatement. One he really, really wished he could fall back to at this point.

To start with, he was pretty sure the contingent of prison guards were fairly unnecessary, especially with the sheer amount of restraints pinning his cute little students to the roof. He had never before seen a pre-genin strapped to a hand truck, wearing a straightjacket, muzzle, chains, chakra draining seals, and he was pretty sure that even under all that, they were cuffed at both the ankles and wrists. He wasn't sure he even wanted to know at this point, but he felt he had to press on.

"Welcome... everyone, I am Kakashi Hatake, and I suspect I should be your Jounin instructor in the coming months... can they even perform introductions like that?" He asked the assembled guards while waving a hand at the bound and probably gagged potential students. Honestly, he couldn't even imagine why they were in those crazy contraptions to begin with.

One of the guards stepped forward, unfurling a scroll. "Due to... circumstances, these three are restricted until such time as the Hokage clears them. Until then, you are to accept responsibilities for them. I shall give you their introductions, and lead the guards assigned to ensure their cooperation."

"First is one Uchiha, Sasuke. He is charged with the following offenses: arson, attempted arson, assault with intent, public indecency, attacking licensed fangirls out of season," the guard began, causing Kakashi to wince, that would hurt. The lawyers the Fangirl Licensing Authority used made a shark in chummed water seem friendly. "It should be noted that these charges are not confirmed, and are under investigation. There is supposedly several more potential charges as well, but we cannot confirm any yet."

Kakashi looked at the last of the Uchiha who was giving off a smug sense of satisfaction as each of the charges were laid against him. The guard leveled a glare at him for a moment before going onto the next person. "This is Uzumaki, Naruto..." the guard started before unraveling a longer scroll, one that stretched down from his hands and nearly touched the grounds. "Multiple charges of property damage, impersonating others, stealing, and..."

"I can see where this leads... just give me their lists later and we'll review any details I have questions with," Kakashi stated with a sigh as he waved the guard off. Watching Naruto he got a feeling that he was unrepentant about everything, save for maybe getting caught. Turning to to look at the final member of the team, he sighed as he actually found one of them showing some sign of remorse. He wondered why the pink haired girl was under the heaviest security of the three of them, until he saw the scroll being carried in by four rather muscular men. The fact that it cracked the rooftop when they set it down was a little worrying.

"As you can gather from the scroll here... Haruno, Sakura seems to have been the ringleader of their little escapade," the guard explained while edging away from where the scroll threatened to collapse the rooftop. "I am not going to go into details, however I would suggest you review the case in minute details..."

"Maa..." Kakashi drawled for a moment to try and figure out how he was going to get out of this trio, when something about the last part caught his attention. "Wait, escapade?"

"Oh yes, see they got a little... exuberant in their celebrations last night over passing. These charges are mostly from tonight and this morning..." the guard explained while the trio laughed darkly.

"What a hell of a party," Sasuke muttered happily as he shook his head in the muzzle.

Naruto seemed to be fit to burst as he answered back. "Who knew you two could knock back shots like that. We'll have to go out drinking again soon!"

"**_NO!_**" the guards shouted in unison, and Kakashi could almost swear he saw Iruka and the Hokage join in from the offices. However, that didn't seem important right now.

"Very well then, seal up those scrolls and deliver them, with those three, to training ground 8 tomorrow morning," Kakashi stated calmly as he felt a headache coming on. "I'm going to go find out how it feels to have your soul sucked out by the Shinigami to seal Tora the Cat in a stone."

With that he was gone, never to be heard from again. However, it should be noted that Tora was still around, wearing a blood-stained half mask, but that's a tale for another time.


	146. D-Ranked Missions

I hope people like this one, I may be doing more of these.

* * *

**Chapter One - Capturing Tora The Cat**

Kakashi sighed heavily as he leaned against the rooftop, watching his team perform the simple D-rank mission in order to build up some funds. To be honest, he hated these mission nearly as much as they did, but it was easy money and they could practice jutsu without it being life or death. Well in all the missions save for this one.

No one wanted to imagine what had led to Tora bursting out of that Jounin's chest and sitting there while nomming on his entrails, so to avoid having to explain that the staff kept the mission as a D-rank. They did however authorize the use of any jutsu known to the ninja running the mission.

Pulling out his favorite orange novel, he settled in for a bit of reading, only to nearly drop it when a huge explosion took out an area of the forest. One would think that his cute little students would know better than to attempt to blow up the cat that they were supposed to be returning to his owner. Judging by the destruction, he would guess that Sasuke was using the Grand Fireball technique. Tucking the novel away, he decided to go and make sure they were still alive.

It was just as he got into the forest that he noticed something disturbing. Every tree, bush, rock, and he almost swore grain of dirt was trapped in a way that made it clear that some insane trap making genius was loose with nearly endless amounts of chakra wire, time, and sadism.

He didn't even want to think what that snare that would drop whoever triggered it into a vat of bubbling green goop.

Terror for his cute little students clenched his heart as he thought of the maniac getting them. Redoubling his speed, he charged towards the sounds of combat while artfully avoiding the multitude of traps littering the area. He was just getting into the area when he had to dodge a tree that literally sprang up in front of him, letting it careen past him. As it sailed beyond him, he noticed a fist shaped indent in the trunk.

Just who the hell was after his students?

Several careful minutes later, he found his students squared off against their foe. The foe in this case was a rather surprising one. For just across the way from them, barely scratched was Tora the Cat. He was wondering just what the hell was going on when Sasuke flung out two fuuma shurikens, Naruto summoned forth a swarm of clones, and Sakura punched the ground. He hadn't expected anything of the ground punch, until the cat was launched into the air. The two shurikens nearly bisected the cat, until one transformed into a cage and trapped the cat inside. Even as Kakashi watched, the cage fell to the ground, only to be caught by a sea of orange.

"Cool! We did it!" the legion shouted with a laugh. "Now can we make cat stew?"

This was a report that he might want to 'adjust' before handing in to the mission room.


	147. New Intros: Challenge 1 - Demotivated

This is my part of an exchange of challenges between myself and Christopher Scott: A Gentleman Thief. I won't spoil what challenge he accepted of mine, however this is a new intros based on a concept that he had, but couldn't get to work. The challenge he gave to me will be listed at the bottom.

* * *

Kakashi looked over his new genin squad curiously as they shuffled reluctantly onto the roof before slumping down with all the energy and enthusiasm of a Nara on tranquilizers. To say that they weren't what their profiles suggested they should be was much the same as saying that Sabaku no Gaara needed a nap, a gross understatement. Honestly, it was like the person that was in charge of writing their reports had never even seen the three of them before.

The first cause for concern was that all three lacked anything even remotely resembling enthusiasm for anything except getting out of here. He'd seen members of the Akimichi clan look more eager about the prospect of dieting than these three showed to even make it up onto the roof for a meeting in the bright sunshine.

Examining them in detail, he frowned at just how wrong the profiles were about these three. Starting with the female of the group, he saw that she was reading a book on clan laws while twirling a highlighter in her left hand. Every few minutes she would pause and use it to pick out key sections for whatever reason she had in her mind. She wasn't even dressed in attire that was remotely suited for field work. Gone was the pink top and shorts that her picture showed, in its place was a business suit. Perhaps it might be a good idea to point her towards academy work, it would be safer for both her and her teammates.

Though the way the Uchiha looked didn't promise much for field work either. Gone was the traditional Uchiha academy and genin uniform that he was supposed to be wearing according to his profile, and in its place was jeans, a black dress shirt, and a pair of loafers. He was busy reviewing what looked like ledger books while wearing a pair of reading glasses and a pissed expression.

The last member of the group was reading travel brochures in his trademark orange jumpsuit. Other than that, he seemed to be pissed, extremely pissed. He was almost certain that he should have been cloaked in red with claws and fangs, but instead his eyes were ice blue and his grip tightened upon each of the brochures as though sure someone would snatch them away if he let go.

But the profiles said they were three promising young genin and thus would be treated as such... with utter contempt and disregard.

"Let's have some introductions, shall we?" Kakashi asked after deciding on a course of action, only to be met with dead silence. "How about I start?"

"If it's all the same to you Hatake, sir, we'd rather not get personal," Sasuke grumbled as he glanced at the jounin over his glasses. "None of us want to be here, save maybe you. Each of us have our own way of looking to get out of being shinobi, and honestly, what's the point of introductions if we're not going to be a team?"

"Humor me," Kakashi attempted, having been told in no uncertain terms that there would be no way he wasn't going to pass this team without being sent to Anko's sex dungeon as a permanent fixture. There were fates worse than death, and that threat put many of those to shame. "I'm Kakashi Hatake, and I'm hoping to not be Anko's sex toy by this time tomorrow... now how about the lovely young kunoichi?"

"Piss off!" Sakura shouted in a voice that sounded more like a demonic bear growling than the voice of a teenaged girl. After a moment's silence for Kakashi's sanity, she sighed and in a more normal voice answered properly. "Look, I'm just here so my family can become a clan. I'm a third generation shinobi, only one of my family physically able to fill the role. And as such, I'm stuck until I a) become a chuunin and can retire to a nice teaching position, b) killed, c) crippled in the line of duty, d) marry into an existing clan, or e) bribe the fangirl certification board lawyers to argue my case to the tribunal."

Kakashi blinked slowly as he processed just how much venom was in the girl's voice, and considered pointing out a nice safe position at the hospital, or ninja library, or... well there was the mission room, but all of them required her to be a chuunin first. As such, the mission selection process might be a bit easier if he actually showed up early enough to pick out preferred missions once. It was a moment later, while she was eying him like a piece of meat, a sparkle of hope in her eyes. "Say sensei... the Hatake clan is just you right?"

"Yes... and not interested," Kakashi cut her off sharply, before turning to look at the remaining members, in a vague hope as to minimize the damage to his hopes for future freedom.

It was then that he heard the rosette mutter, "Figures, all of the good clans are taken, gay, or both..."

"Mr. Accountant, you're up," Kakashi commanded with a bit more harshness than he intended, pausing at the thoughtful expression on the supposed avenger's face.

"Hmm... yes... accountant, I could become one of those," Sasuke mused while lowering his glasses. Folding them, he set them on top of the file he was reading over during the initial part of the meeting. "I do that a lot with all the inheritances I got when Itachi killed off the rest of my clan. He wants me to be a ninja, but I'd rather be something else. I thought of originally being some grim avenger based around some night animal that struck terror in the hearts of the criminal element in shinobi society... then I put down the manga I was reading and really thought about it."

"I want to piss Itachi off, so I'll become anything but a ninja, and tell those minders that keep dragging me to the academy to kiss my a-" Sasuke started, only for Kakashi to cut him off with a sharp glare. "Fine... Can we be done yet? I think I need a new book on taxes for this year."

"Let's finish our introductions..." Kakashi stated with a heavy sigh as he turned to where his third student had been, only to see him trying to put away the picks he was attempting to remove a tracking bracelet that was strapped to his leg. Blinking slowly, he finally noticed that the other two were also wearing similar devices. "How about you?"

"Naruto Uzumaki, escape artist extraordinaire," the blond started with a hate-filled glare at an ANBU that showed up to collect the picks he had been using. "I plan on getting away from this hellhole, tell the asshats in charge to suck my d-"

He was cut off by Cat returning with an impatient body stance and hand held out demandingly. Naruto grumbled darkly as he passed over a set of keys, which Cat counted and inspected carefully before nodding and walking off. "Say Kakashi... we leave town when we get on a C-rank mission or above, right? Shinobi tend to die, vanish, or get crippled when out on missions like that right?"

"You don't get those until after several successful D-rank missions... and even then I think the Hokage might hesitate before sending this team out on those types of missions..." Kakashi explained while realizing just how long of an assignment this might just become.

The trios of four letter words, starting with 'f' and rhyming duck smashed any hope that it was going to be any shorter than he was imagining. "Right... well tomorrow morning we'll have a little exercise to decide who becomes a ninja and who goes back to the academy... or washes out entirely."

This last part seemed to catch their interests. "So here's what you should do... stay up late tonight, miss the start at seven am, have a nice filling breakfast, come to Training Grounds Seven around noon when the test ends, and don't even try!" Kakashi explained happily, thinking that Anko would be far less damaging to his psychological well-being than spending more time with these three.

* * *

Kakashi glared at the three students that were sitting across the clearing from him. Apparently the ANBU had taken an exception to him trying to dump them back into the academy, and even if he was a former captain, the Hokage's order that the team had to pass overrode any feelings of camaraderie they might have still held.

And that is how he found himself sitting in the clearing with the three students he was sure would have still been in bed at 6:45 AM. Each of the three were given a ration bar: well... force-fed one would have been more accurate, and explained that getting a bell meant freedom.

He was even given the bells to ensure that he couldn't claim that as a reason to not have the test. "Right... I suppose we'll be having this test... Come at me with all you got or you'll be forced to..."

Whatever else he might have said was cut off as three ANBU appeared and held out their hands expectantly towards the trio. His eye nearly bugged out when he saw them handing over heavy duty explosive tags, sets of keys, and what appeared to be a civilian issued taser. "Now, now, I think they should get all that they... how the hell were you hiding that gatling cannon in your pants?" Kakashi asked as Naruto pulled out something that would have made the test very messy from his pockets.

"Seals, I talked one of last year's graduates into showing me how to make storage ones, and sewed them into my pant's pockets," Naruto explained while handing over more weapons than any kid his age should have access to, shinobi or not. He didn't even want to touch the fact that storage seals were meant to only be used on paper. "You'd be surprised what you can cobble together out of the landfill sensei..."

Ignoring the fact that the brat seemed to have read his mind, he decided to continue explaining the test. "Right... get a bell, get freedom... don't and well... there are things far worse in store should you not get a bell."

"Can we get this over with?" Sakura asked in a bored tone as she levered herself off the ground. "I'm supposed to meet with the lawyers for dinner and would rather get a shower before then."

"Fair enough," Kakashi answered as the boys joined their teammate on the field of combat. "You have three hours. Begin!"

What happened next was something that he could never have predicted from reading over their profiles. Sakura and Sasuke simply picked up their teammate and threw him at the instructor. Said teammate turned into a swarm of clones, which would have been fine, save for one tiny factoid.

As they landed, he found out that each of the two-hundred some clones that were being flung at him had been overloaded with chakra. This lead to a rather experience of being blown up several times over, with no escape route.

A week later, he woke up in the hospital, sharing a room with his three students. He knew they were his students, since there was a giant banner on the opposite wall that read "Get Well Soon Team Kakashi."

Maybe paying for a few missions at the academy, an accounting firm, and travel line might be a good idea. And should none of them return, well there were cases where ninjas simply vanished. He'd always wanted to try and be a pirate, and if these three were to be his students, he doubted he'd survive long trying to convince them to be shinobi.

"Maa... what have we learned?" Kakashi asked the group, wondering if any of the burn victims were awake other than himself.

Less chraka per clone unless you want them to blow up on you," Naruto stated calmly from his bed, the full body-cast doing more to hold him in place then set his bones. He'd been healed up for a couple days already, but the doctors had orders that he wasn't to leave until the entire team was able to depart together. He was also being forced to eat vegetables and meals that didn't consist of noodles in broth.

They would pay for that... oh yes, they would...

Sakura mumbled something through the bandages covering her face, while Sasuke just grunted in pain. "They say also that plans such as Uzumaki Armageddon strike should be a last ditch idea."

"Very good, now, can someone reach the remote?" Kakashi asked as his eyes located a clock. He knew the channel the hospital had on, and knew what was about to appear.

"No, that is part of the punishment..." Naruto stated with a dead sounding voice, "They're hoping we'll be a happy family..."

'_Must not chidori my eardrums... Must not chidori my eardrums..._' Kakashi mentally chanted as a dreaded purple and green dinosaur walked onto the television screen before him. Perhaps he should have passed a team prior to this one?

After all, that one group which with three cannibals didn't seem so bad right now. They were fine young cannibals, and should have been strong supporters of Konoha, if only they hadn't mistaken him when he said bells. Never before had three children tried to grope him, and he prayed that it never would happen again, or at least until the bruising his bits took during that test had faded.

* * *

Paraphrased challenge: Team Seven do not want to be ninjas, but have reasons that caused them to be forced into it. Sakura to ensure her family achieves the coveted clan status. Sasuke wants out to spit Itachi, but can't get anyone to agree with his decision. Naruto, upon learning he's the jinchuuriki is reinforced in his desire to get out of Konoha ASAP, already an accomplished escape artist. He really loathes the Yondaime right now.


	148. Moth to a Flame

Shino knelt in front of the marker that was the only representative of the bright shining light that had been such an inspiration to him growing up. Not just an inspiration, but a friend and then more. Never had he spoke the words, but somehow he knew that the person whose ashes rested far below knew the truth.

At first it had been a small smouldering ember one day, they had met eyes across the academy room and something sparked between them. He had ignored it then, and gone about his own business. The bug user had always known something was different between them than with any of the other members of the class, but he had never been able to explain what it was. The one time he attempted to get his parents help on the matter, they shared a look before telling him that he would understand in time and that he needed to be patient.

He had been patient, circling the warmth that he had come to feel every time they were together. Eventually the ember grew brighter into a large flame that shined brighter than the sun, a light that drew more and more into its warmth until they were consumed and burnt. Yet still Shino circled, trying to figure out the strange feelings he held.

The light had vanished, stolen away by a thief in the night, bringing about a darkness that threatened to swallow the world whole. Shino knew that it was the departure of the light that caused the darkness to seem so all-consuming, and so he waited for the light's return. His wings rested as the darkness lingered, allowing him to study the situation objectively. The light by another name was something that his clan didn't consider proper, but accepted it as part of their nature. His fluttering about the light was the same as a moth fluttering just outside of a flame in a glass lantern.

The glass separating the moth from the flame was lies whispered to his heart, excuses his mind threw up to prevent him from flying into the flame and being burnt as so many had. The light didn't know just how much it consumed, as it was always seeking a flame of its own.

You see, his flame was Naruto Uzumaki, the moth to Sasuke Uchiha's flame. In the end, it had been Uchiha that consumed Naruto, and now the moth was left fluttering near the smoking remains of his flames. In his mind, there was only one course of action to take.

He would remove the flame which had snuffed his light, even if it should cost him his life. Sasuke Uchiha was a flame that needed to be snuffed out before he stole another's light.


	149. Making Time

I had this idea after going over a couple time travel stories and always wondered one thing. "Why is it only the primary characters of the canon that ends up going back in time (aka looping). This is what I thought would be a good choice for a returning character. Enjoy!

* * *

Snapping a hand over his chest, Kakashi Hatake woke up in his room. He was alive?

The last thing he could recall was his childhood friend having turned into some world destroying monster, and how they fought in a realm removed from this one. All through the use of his Sharingan eye, something he thought wouldn't be possible to evolve as it was a transplant. He had used up so much of his chakra, he didn't think he would survive, but hopefully some of the other ninja could take down Obito before he strayed even further from the path he had chosen as a boy.

Taking a deep breath, he looked around his room, hoping for some sign of how he got there. What he noticed was that the dust wasn't nearly as thick as it should be, his wall had cracks which had been fixed when the repair crews replaced it after they were destroyed during the Sound Invasion, and he was missing a picture. Where was his team photo?

After attempting to dispell the genjutsu through both of his means, he pushed up off the bed and explored a little more of his surroundings. There was something odd going on, and he was determined to find out what. Levering himself off the bed, he wandered out of his bedroom and into his living room before spotting something that caused him to freeze and his heart to stop. It was the day before he was to meet the trio that would be the first team he ever passed.

Somehow, he was being granted a second chance, or so it would seem. Swallowing against the lump that was forming in his throat, he wondered just what the hell was going on. First thing's first, he would report to the Hokage and find out just how far gone his mind was to be hallucinating all this.

When he arrived at the Hokage's office shortly after daybreak, he nearly gave a cry of joy at seeing Sarutobi-sama sitting there. That exclamation died in his throat when he saw the man eyeing him suspiciously, that's when it hit him. Kakashi, for the first time since Obito's 'death' under the boulder, was early for a meeting. Swallowing again, he flashed a sign that only ANBU and the Hokage knew before starting, "Hokage-sama, this is hard to explain but-"

"Not here Kakashi," Sarutobi stated calmly as he nodded towards the doorway where a nervous looking chuunin stood, glancing between the two powerful men. "Perhaps in a secure debriefing room?"

"Yes Hokage, I will await your summons," Kakashi agreed, wondering just how deeply he was in it this time, and just how completely insane his explanation would be. Turning, he marched out the door and settled into the waiting room, for all the world appearing to read his book.

If this was real, and he really was back in time before his students were his, he could do so much to fix things. He could stop Sasuke from turning traitor, encourage Sakura to blossom under his tutelage more before letting Tsunade take her under her wing, and Naruto. His breath caught in his chest, which he forced out as a giggle over a passage in his book. Naruto, he could be the teacher to Naruto that he deserved, the council be damned.

He had failed them the first time, he wasn't going to fail this time around.

First thing's first, he would start lying at Rin's marker to mislead Obito. He wasn't ready to attempt to save his friend, nor to strike him down, but it would come, and Kakashi wanted to be sure of what he was going to do before that confrontation arose. As the half-hour passed, so many plans ran through his mind, yet through it all, Kakashi only had one thought.

He would not fail, not if he could help it.


	150. It's Alright

Got a bit of an odd request at the bottom...

* * *

"Naruto," a voice said, causing the blonde to turn around with a huge grin on his face, one that the voice knew to be fake. It was a common ruse he would use to convince someone that he wasn't hurting, wasn't blaming himself. "It's alright, it's just me."

"What are you talking about?" Naruto asked in confusion, but in his eyes, she could see the pain telling him that he was exposed, that he wasn't fooling her.

Her arms encircled him gently, pulling him into a hug as she stroked his sunshine hair while whispering. "It's alright, it's not your fault."

"W-what?" Naruto asked weakly, feeling himself giving in to the pain. Tears started stinging in the edges of his eyes. "D-don't do this to me..."

The voice simply closed her eyes and continued to stroke the back of his head gently, repeating herself. "It's alright..."

Finally the dam broke, and he clung onto her as though she was the only thing keeping him in this world and not flung off into space. It broke her heart knowing that there was nothing else she could do, just let him cry out all the pain, all the hurt, all the anguish he went through in life, every last bit falling from his dazzling blue eyes.

There was never anything more she could do, because he wouldn't allow anyone else to do more. She would always be here for him to cry out all the negativity out. He was the hero of the Elemental Nations and its people, so the least anyone could do would be to recognize him as a human.

She felt Naruto's body relaxing, and pulled back. "It's alright," she said once again, a tender smile on her face, one reflected earnestly from the blonde.

"Thank you," Naruto offered with a heartfelt smile as he broke their eye lock, looking down the road. "I'll bring you some gifts later..."

"You don't have to, just some pretty flowers near my place is all I ask," she corrected, wiping his cheek. "Thank you for the thought."

"It's the least I could do," Naruto answered gently as he closed his eyes. "It's time..."

"It's alright, I'll be here... forever," the voice answered as she faded into darkness, a moment later Naruto's eyes opened up, waking up slumped over the table he'd been filling out a mission report on. Reaching out, he grabbed a picture that rested over the desk and traced the cheek of the woman from his dreams. She would always be there, because he had failed her once.

Her last words would always linger in his ears, "It's alright Naruto, I'll watch over you from the next life," she whispered before the light faded out of her eyes and she slipped away.

"It's alright."

* * *

Who is the person saying "It's alright?"


	151. Pranking the Jounin: Leafing a Mess

This is an answer to all those 'paranoid Jounin' stories, and then I decided that I'd have fun with it and call it 'Pranking the Jounins" Here's the first chapter.

* * *

**Leafing a Mess**

Iruka sighed as he leaned back in the chair behind the mission desk, watching the routine procedure occurring in front of him. It was the same as any other day, the genin would walk in and drop off the mission reports as prepared by their Jounin instructors before being dismissed to the payment room. It was so freaking boring!

Ah, at least Team 7 was showing up now, their reports were always good for a laugh. Oddly enough, Kakashi delivered the report himself, instead of letting his students do it. It was when he noticed that Sasuke was wrapped in bandages like a mummy, Naruto was edging away from a twitching Sakura, and the pink-haired girl seemed to have a hair trigger as she screamed and swung a punch at nearly anything that moved in her vision, let alone touch her. A quick glance told him enough to explain everything. "Tora?"

"Tora," Kakashi answered flatly with a nod.

"Three days paid leave for your students, and a trip to the hospital's mental health ward," Iruka stated as he stamped the approval. "Would you like to take your mission now, or after you see your students to the medics?"

"Maa... I'll take it now and walk them over," Kakashi answered casually holding out his hand. Iruka picked up an easy C-rank mission that Kakashi could complete before sunset with a couple of random ninja from the support pool.

As Team Seven walked out, Iruka couldn't help but notice a leaf that was left on the floor, probably from one of them having been in the bushes. Shrugging it off, he figured that some of the cleaning crew would be in later to pick it up, until he noticed something odd. Asuma stepped around it carefully, his eyes tracking it carefully, while his hand twitched next to his trench knives.

This raised a prankster alert in his brain, and so after taking the scroll from Ino, he waved off the chuunin who were coming in to clean. A promise of covering for them, and drinks on the next day off, Iruka had a single leaf sitting on the normally perfectly clean floor of the mission room. One that had the other clerks looking at him curiously, a look that he answered by simply putting a finger to his lips with a smile that most anyone else shudder in dread. It was the prankster smile, and he had plans.

It didn't take long for his plan to start bearing fruit as the tokubetsu jounin trickled in to submit their reports for the day. First was the ever punctual Ebisu, who quickly flashed a kai upon entering the mission room and spotting the leaf on the floor. While he gave the report to Iruka and proceeded to be debriefed, the chuunin noticed his attention constantly diverted towards the leaf on the floor.

"Very good Ebisu," Iruka stated, pausing a moment before speaking louder. "Ebisu!"

This seemed to snap the man out of his study of the leaf, turning to face Iruka fully. "Thank you Iruka, I'll go to the disbursement office then."

As the man walked past the leaf again, he 'accidentally' dropped a kunai out of his pouch, which landed point first through the leaf. Bending over, he scowled at the leaf embedded upon his kunai before depositing it in the waste bin next to the door. Once the door was closed, Iruka and the other Mission desk workers chuckled.

A moment later, lunch was delivered on the Hokage's tab. Sure, it was just Ichiraku Ramen, a fact that must never be told to Naruto or he would beg for desk duties, but it was free, and they could eat it while working. As the man was leaving after the delivery, Iruka noticed that strangely enough another leaf was on the floor. Judging by the subtle gesturing by the other two, he wasn't the only one, however he made a gesture that got them looking at him oddly. A slurp of his noodles later, he tossed two ryu into a small chalk circle inside the desk, which was quickly joined by more.

With their bets in place, the chuunins finished their lunch and stacked the bowls for recycling just as the next tokubetsu jounin arrived. A deathly chill filled the room as they noticed that it was none other than Ibiki Morino, the head of Konoha's Torture and Interrogation Force. He strode in and presented his mission report on the interrogation of a captured enemy nin, not that he personally performed it, but it was part of his job. Mostly since it kept the more... off-color... members of his division out of the public eye more.

His eyes lingered upon the leaf for a moment before stamping on it on his way to the desk. Placing the report upon the desk, he glared at Iruka, who returned it unflinchingly with a little smile on his face. The two met each other's gaze for a few minutes before Ibiki snorted and nodded towards the scroll on the desk. Iruka unrolled the scroll and gave it a quick look-over before nodding his approval and stamping it.

"Very well Ibiki, you may go," Iruka stated pleasantly as he held out the slip for the payment authorization.

The man took the slip and nodded, before giving Iruka a smirk and leaned in to growl, "Make sure you get the cleaning crew in soon. It's dangerous to leave things like that out."

"I'll be sure that they clean things up properly soon," Iruka answered before the man grunted and walked out, making sure to stomp on the leaf once more. The other clerks waited until the man was gone before reaching under the desk and handing Iruka the entire stack of cash. Just as soon as the money was safely hidden away from prying eyes, and nimble fingers of ninja with dreams of being paid, the doors opened once again to admit Anko Mitarashi.

Suddenly his fellow clerks had something else to do, on the other side of the village, abandoning him to one of the 'traitorous snake's student' a title that he felt was unjustly forced upon her by the village. It wasn't her fault that Orochimaru was a traitorous snake in the grass with an unhealthy penchant for young children and disturbing word choice. When they were gone, he smiled up at her while holding out his hand for the scroll.

As though distracted by something else, she handed over the scroll without comment. He smiled warmly as he looked it over, noting that her little drawings of the cute kitten in the margins out of blood of her enemies were getting better. Perhaps he would pick up that new manga for her as a reward for wasting less margin space with scribbles, what was it called again? Hello Sanrio? He probably had a copy in his confiscated materials from his students, he'd find out the title and get her the latest one while she was out on her next mission.

Finishing his perusal of the scroll, he stamped it and passed over the payment slip. "Very good Anko, everything is in order... would you like another mission?" he asked, already fingering a new one for her. When she didn't answer, he called out again, "Anko?"

"Sorry, think I'm a bit tired today," Anko answered with a laugh as she scratched the back of her head. "I think I'll pass on that mission..." Anko answered before turning away and picking up a snake that was slithering back to her. Kissing it on the forehead she walked out of the office, leaving Iruka holding her paystub. Mentally filing a note to make sure it was submitted, he walked out from behind the desk with the intention of filling his coffee mug before the real headaches started coming in. As he passed the leaf, he couldn't help but chuckle at the two circular holes where a snake's fangs had sunk into it.

Maybe mission room duty wasn't so bad after all?


End file.
